Ex gave me a letter but I don't know what to make of it!

[juniorrocha]

I strongly believe the only people that believe reconciliations are possible are those that are clinging to the hope to get back w/their ex that in most cases, dumped them.

 

I wouldn't put all of these people into one category; I actually believe reconciliation can work for some couples. Taking my situation as an example, I don't want my ex back. There are some girls I've met before, who I fell in love with, that I'd never try anything either. But there are some of them that I'd want to give it a second shot if they wanted that too.

 

Each to your own beliefs, of course. If you're one to never take an ex back, then that's your choice and I respect that. But to say couples that break up once are done for life based on the facts 1) you don't know any that succeeded and 2) you're on forums that most people only look for when they're unhappy/confused, is just plain silly.

[Lansing]

I think sometimes a breakup can make someone realize the issues of the relationship, etc but for me if a girl breaks up with me without giving me a chance to fix any issues she feels like I have then I am not going to go back to her. If she doesn't "feel it" anymore then two weeks later wants me back it makes me wonder about her decision making process.

 

Only situation I could see now is if she just doesn't did know how to deal with a particular event in her life (something traumatic like a death in the family or something) but even then I would hope that she would turn to me for support vs run. It would make me think about what she would run from next.

[aloneinaz]

But to say couples that break up once are done for life based on the facts 1) you don't know any that succeeded and 2) you're on forums that most people only look for when they're unhappy/confused, is just plain silly.

 

I really wish there were statistics on the percentage of reconciliations that actually worked. I'd wager it's very low. I've had a couple of LTR when I was younger that included a break up in them and recycling and going back didn't change anything and it only ended again. As I got older, if a R/S I was in ended, it stayed that way. Everyone I know who has tried a 2nd, 3rd or more try at saving a R/S didn't succeed.

 

Now, I'm NOT suggesting that there are NO success stories of reconciliations. I'm just suggesting to folks on form's like this, that most dumpers are FIRM in their decisions and have no interest in going back to the person they dumped. I've ended most of my LTR's. I never had thoughts of going back to them.

 

My rambling point is that to suggest to people who are on forms like this, hoping and grasping for a second chance after being dumped and having their hearts broken, is not the right advice.

 

I can't imagine any professional advising a recently dumped person to cling to hope that the dumper will return and they will live happily ever after. The best things a recently dumped person can do is to go NC to heal and get their self esteem back. They should move on with their lives like the dumper is dead to them. They should NOT sit around moping for months/years feeling sorry for themselves while clinging to the hope that the dumper will ride back into their lives on their white horse. That's not healthy or productive.

 

The VAST majority of dumpers who accept the dumpers decision and go NC, feel better after a couple of months. In most "rare" cases that a dumper does return to "try again", the dumpee has had time to really assess that failed relationship with a clear head. They usually realize that the relationship wasn't that great and wisely decline restarting it.

Edited September 6, 2016 by aloneinaz

[scarnface]

I agree with Sunkissedpatio: we need more info about what really happened.

 

A little bit of context:

 

Ex 1 = most recent ex who wrote me the letter

Ex 2 = guy I dated for two years

 

There was a lot of uncertainty in the early days and a lack of communication. I knew he had spent the weekend with his ex as "friends" after our second or third date and because of this I didn't want to put all of my eggs into one basket. I continued to use the dating site on which we met and my ex had also come back into the picture after months of no contact so I was talking to him as well. About a month into going on dates Ex 1 suddenly stopped talking to me for a couple of days. I jumped to conclusions and figured that he had ghosted on me and was probably working things out with his old girlfriend or had already gone back to her. Ex 2 invited me over to his place and we had sex. Then like an hour after I'd been at Ex 2's place, Ex 1 called me to apologise for pushing me away and he asked if he could see me the following night. So I went over the next night and left my phone on the bed. My phone lit up with a text from Ex 2 about the previous night, Ex 1 saw and demanded to see the messages. And it all snowballed from there...

 

Basically while I thought he was ignoring me because he must have worked things out with his old girlfriend, he claimed he was upset because he thought I seeing other people as I'd been logging onto the dating site. Although we became a couple after this, he always had issues with what happened and claimed it was cheating because I should have known we were together, even though we'd never specifically discussed it.

 

This issue popped up a lot during our relationship. It really upset him and he already had trust issues from his previous relationship which made things a lot worse. He was worried I was going to hurt him again, even though I'd NEVER cheat in an exclusive relationship.

 

Then on the night we broke up I was upset because I arrived at his house (like we'd planned) only to find that he wasn't there. Instead he had gone out with his mates and when I called him to ask where he was, he blamed me for not texting him all day. In the past few weeks he'd been playing these stupid games and I was tired of it. I waited until he got back so we could talk but he didn't want a bar of it. Basically I just told him that I didn't want to be with him when he treated me like this and he replied, "Then don't. Get your stuff and leave." After we broke up I tried to reconcile but he said there was no point because I "questioned our relationship", then he brought up the stuff about my ex and I figured he'd made up his mind so I went NC.

 

Then he sent me a letter 3 months after breaking up. In the letter he blames himself for what happened between me and my ex and wish he reinforced that we were together because in his words "it was you and only you". He said he wish he known I could only take so much and wish he stopped it before it was too late. He also talks about the night we broke up, how he let his pride get in the way and wished he communication with me instead of reacting like he did. He said he didn't know how to react after hearing those words from me because he thought we didn't have any problems and hearing that made him think everything between us was a lie.

Edited September 6, 2016 by scarnface

[juniorrocha]

My rambling point is that to suggest to people who are on forms like this, hoping and grasping for a second chance after being dumped and having their hearts broken, is not the right advice.

 

I can't imagine any professional advising a recently dumped person to cling to hope that the dumper will return and they will live happily ever after. The best things a recently dumped person can do is to go NC to heal and get their self esteem back. They should move on with their lives like the dumper is dead to them. They should NOT sit around moping for months/years feeling sorry for themselves while clinging to the hope that the dumper will ride back into their lives on their white horse. That's not healthy or productive.

 

The VAST majority of dumpers who accept the dumpers decision and go NC, feel better after a couple of months. In most "rare" cases that a dumper does return to "try again", the dumpee has had time to really assess that failed relationship with a clear head. They usually realize that the relationship wasn't that great and wisely decline restarting it.

 

Alright, now you're bringing something new which I completely agree with. No one here is telling the OP, or any other member, to hold on to hopes that their ex will come back at some point. Waiting for the other one to show up is just very dumb. The best you can do is get going with your life, so you can heal and move on.

 

However, in this case, we're dealing with a different situation: both of them were moving on with their lives, but now one of them is second guessing their decision and the other one seems to be confused? Sometimes you need time apart to see things more clear and that's what I see here so far. I don't see any problem on trying to see what's up and then try again, if the relationship was worth it.

[juniorrocha]

scarnface, just saw your update.

 

Well, in that case, a relationship shouldn't even have started in the first place. Apparently it wasn't that good after all, due what happened. You can't really tell whether he's really willing to let the past go or not, unless you give him a second chance. If you don't really wanna risk that, then just let it be and continue moving on.

 

It seems to me that the fault wasn't even yours, but his insecurity. You were single and free to do whatever you wanted. If you gave him no reasons during the relationship, then he should resolve that himself. Apparently he did, but like I said, you'd only know trying again.

 

Now ask yourself whether you'd like that or not.

[scarnface]

scarnface, just saw your update.

 

Well, in that case, a relationship shouldn't even have started in the first place. Apparently it wasn't that good after all, due what happened. You can't really tell whether he's really willing to let the past go or not, unless you give him a second chance. If you don't really wanna risk that, then just let it be and continue moving on.

 

It seems to me that the fault wasn't even yours, but his insecurity. You were single and free to do whatever you wanted. If you gave him no reasons during the relationship, then he should resolve that himself. Apparently he did, but like I said, you'd only know trying again.

 

Now ask yourself whether you'd like that or not.

 

I was technically single, but I understand why he was so upset about it. We'd been seeing each other for about a month but I had already been introduced to all his friends, I'd met his parents (because he lived at home but still), and we saw each other almost every single day. I know what I wasn't technically cheating, but it still wasn't right. Or healthy.

 

He had a major breakdown when he found out about me and my ex. Then a few days later he took me back to the spot where we had our first date and asked me to be his girlfriend. I suppose he never gave himself the time to get past what happened and that's why it became such an issue every now and then, where even the slightest trigger (like driving through the part of town where my ex lived) made him get upset about it.

[juniorrocha]

I do understand why he was upset too, but still it wasn't cheating. However, maybe he was at a higher level of commitment than you were, and that lead to his heartbreak - which, again, wasn't necessarily your fault.

 

But anyway, if aside that the relationship was good, it seems to me that it's a fixable problem. Maybe you can get past it now, shall you give it a second shot. I probably would, but that's just me and I'm sure most of people here wouldn't.

[scarnface]

Thanks for the advice.

 

All of our issues stemmed from a lack of communication and I think both of us realise that now and regret it. I don't know if the letter was an attempt at reconciliation but if he is willing to try again then we would definitely need to work on communicating more and he would need to get past what happened with me and my ex.

 

I really don't know where to go to from here. If I don't reply it will play on my mind and I'll always wonder "what if", that's just the type of person I am. But I don't want to be set back to square one if things don't work out or if I contact him in hopes for reconciliation and get rejected.

[Sunkissedpatio]

I'm with Juniorrocha that it seems fixable after reading your update as well.

 

Only if:

• There is true forgiveness about the "perceived cheating"; and
  
• you both actually learned tangible tactics on how to manage your poor communication.
  

 

Otherwise I think, like others have said, you will both be down the exact same road again once the honeymoon wears off.

 

Getting back together is exciting, we feel on top of the world for a bit we are on our best behaviour, then as the weeks roll on we let our guard down and become comfortable that's when the old issues creep up again.

[juniorrocha]

We can't really tell what comes next so you'd have to risk that - which may include another heartbreak. But the guy acknowledges his issues, he sees things more clear now, he knows where it went wrong and apparently is willing to reconcile too. This whole "I don't want you out of my life" play, to me, it seems like testing waters - he's opening the door for contact, but he may be scared you're not and is only leaving it open in case you want to come to him.

 

If you feel comfortable, how about inviting him to do something outside? You don't have to mention it's like friends, but do it like friends. Just a walk, a drink, to see how things go then.

[aloneinaz]

If, and I mean "if" you decide to break contact with him, just go in with your eyes wide open w/no expectations. Understand you are risking further pain and heartbreak. What if he doesn't respond and ghosts you? What if he only seeks revenge and head games to screw w/your emotions?

 

What if you two get together and the sun is shining, the birds are singing and sparks fly? How long will this rebooted honeymoon phase last before potentially all the same compatibility issues you had the first time show their ugly head? My experiences w/reconciliations were that the honeymoon reboot did NOT last long at all. One or both parties still harbored resentment, hurt and pain from the first break up and that's a huge hurdle to overcome.

 

I promise, I'm not trying to be Debbie Downer here. I just think the people who break up and get over the pain, hurt and sorrow and reach the clear headed stage, usually don't want to go back to the relationship. They are able to assess the failed R/S and see clearly that it wasn't as great as they thought when they were in the heat of the break up, hurt and pain.

[scarnface]

^ All very good points. I really appreciate the advice so thank you for taking the time to help me out in my situation.

 

I have decided to contact him. I will probably do so sometime in the weekend. At this stage I'm thinking of a text to say thank you from the letter and go from there. To be honest I will be disappointed if he doesn't respond or rejects me, but at least I know that that I tried and I will never have to wonder "what if".

 

If by some chance we do get back together, we will definitely have to work on communicating more and I'm confident that if things don't improve then I will be able to walk away.

 

I promise, I'm not trying to be Debbie Downer here. I just think the people who break up and get over the pain, hurt and sorrow and reach the clear headed stage, usually don't want to go back to the relationship. They are able to assess the failed R/S and see clearly that it wasn't as great as they thought when they were in the heat of the break up, hurt and pain.

 

No you're just being realistic which is good. I know where we went wrong and I think he does to (judging by what he wrote in the letter), if we are able to fix those things then we would have an amazing relationship. I don't usually believe in reconciliation but there is something about this that makes me think it is worth giving it another chance. That is, if he wants to as well...

[scarnface]

UDPATE:

 

Well what an unexpected turn of events. His mother called me today to see how I was going. I hadn't spoken to her since the day I collected all my belognings from their house. She's a lovely lady and we got on really well. She said she's been thinking about me and wanted to know that I'm doing ok. I told her about the letter her son sent me and she had no idea, and told me that he got back with his ex girlfriend just a few weeks after the break up and they are still together.

 

He sent me that letter while he was in a relationship with someone else (not to mention he always told me that his ex was a cheater and a liar and he could never love her because she hurt him too much). What a joke!

 

So yeah, a reconciliation WILL NOT be happening.

Edited September 11, 2016 by scarnface

[privategal]

Birds of a feather stick together so it sounds like he is with the perfect girl now lol.

Maybe his girlfriend would like a copy of the letter!

[scarnface]

Trust me I was tempted but I'm going to stay farrrrr away from it all now.