Ex gave me a letter but I don't know what to make of it!

[scarnface]

My ex and I broke up in May after a one year relationship. After we broke up I thought we could work things out but he wasn't sure so. He said he'd been hurt in the past, hurt by me, and didn't know how to feel about it all. There were a couple of times I tried reaching out to him so we could talk but he used the same excuses over and over again so I stopped trying and we had no contact since.

 

Then after three months of no contact, he dropped off a letter at my house.

 

In the letter he said he regrets letting his pride get in the way on the night we broke up and claims that he didn't realise we had any problems so when I tried to talk to him about the isses I had, it made him feel like everything between us had been a lie and he didn't know how to deal with that. He said he was at his lowest and that he's sorry for not showing his appreciation for me and regrets not communicating with me more because then so much of this wouldn't have happened. A lot of the letter was him reminiscing about the times we shared and how much of an amazing person I am, how he still thinks of me all the time and has all of the stuff I made/gave him. According to him we had a passionate love that was one of a kind and I was truly his best friend and the only person who understood him and the only person who he could talk to. He said that he hopes the letter gives me the closure I needed and apologised for hurting me. He said this isn't goodbye, he doesn't want to say goodbye to me, and will be here for me regardless of time or need and that I have no excuses not to reach out to him because I have it in writing.

 

I guess I don't know what to take from this letter. Obviously I won't know unless I hear directly from him, but does it sound like more of a way to relieve his guilt or could he be testing the waters to see if I'm open for reconnecting?

[marky00]

Such a letter is rarely seen but if its going to happen, it would usually be a guy.

 

 

Its somewhat contradictory because one the one hand he says all that nice stuff and on the other he says "hope it gives you closure".

 

 

To be honest when I read, it doesn't make much sense as to why he wrote it. Writing a letter saying sorry for behaviour on day of breakup is pretty silly because no-one ever behaves well on break-up day.

 

 

So yeah, I am as lost as you but the word "closure" seems to be a significant word.

[aloneinaz]

Do yourself a favor. Stay NC and continually remind yourself that your R/S w/him ended. Healthy, loving, amazing R/S's never end. They don't incur any breakups, ever.

 

Read this site for a few weeks. It's littered w/failures of second, third or more attempts of a reconciliation. They only work in the fantasyland of movies.

 

You'd be MUCH better off finding a new R/S than recycling a failed one w/a guy that clearly loves drama..

[scarnface]

Such a letter is rarely seen but if its going to happen, it would usually be a guy.

 

 

Its somewhat contradictory because one the one hand he says all that nice stuff and on the other he says "hope it gives you closure".

 

 

To be honest when I read, it doesn't make much sense as to why he wrote it. Writing a letter saying sorry for behaviour on day of breakup is pretty silly because no-one ever behaves well on break-up day.

 

 

So yeah, I am as lost as you but the word "closure" seems to be a significant word.

 

When I think about it the last time we spoke, it kind of makes sense as to why he would hope the letter gives me "closure". Basically before I went NC I texted him asking if we could meet up and mentioned that I hate leaving things unresolved. He made an excuse not to see me that night but assured me we'd meet up to talk. I didn't bother replying because I figured if he really wanted to talk he would make an effort and suggest a time. He didn't, and that was the last time we heard from one another. So maybe that's why he think a letter is the "closure" I need. Although after 3 months of no contact makes it pretty clear to me how things were resolved, lol.

 

Who knows... I'm probably way overthinking it. I just didn't expect to hear from him at all and it's messed with my head a little.

[BluesPower]

aloneinaz may be right but I'm not sure.

 

This letter sounds like an opening to me, maybe. The real question is what do you want? Was the relationship that good? Was the sex really great, and yes it should matter. How do you feel about him?

 

Also, how old are you, it makes a difference.

 

This one is hard to call...

[Sunkissedpatio]

I see him throwing in the "closure" comment as a test, to see if you would still be open to giving things another go or you are done for sure. So either way he is getting the guilt off his chest but is too afraid to say "I want to give it another go, I regret things" He might be using reverse psychology to test how interested you still are.

 

 

How do you feel? Would you want him back? Or will you respond "thanks this does give me the closure I need, I appreciate the apology for your wrong-doings"

[scarnface]

The real question is what do you want? Was the relationship that good? Was the sex really great, and yes it should matter. How do you feel about him?

 

Also, how old are you, it makes a difference.

 

A big part of me would like to reconnect but I'm scared of being hurt again. The relationship had its ups and downs but I know a lot of that was because of my own issues and we didn't communicate very well. That's something we would definitely have to work on if we were to try again. The sex was good but probably better for him than it was for me (does it matter because that could be all he wants?) I loved him, he was my best friend. We're both 22.

 

I see him throwing in the "closure" comment as a test, to see if you would still be open to giving things another go or you are done for sure. So either way he is getting the guilt off his chest but is too afraid to say "I want to give it another go, I regret things" He might be using reverse psychology to test how interested you still are.

 

That was my initial thought too. He knows he screwed me around, and he even said in the letter that he knows I'm angry and probably don't want to hear from him. So I guess he was uncertain about how the letter would be received.

 

How do you feel? Would you want him back? Or will you respond "thanks this does give me the closure I need, I appreciate the apology for your wrong-doings"

 

I feel a little torn. Part of me does want him back but we would have a lot of things to work on and I don't know if he's capable of changing.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Well if you are torn you might just have to send a response back to see what his intentions were.

 

Otherwise it will fester and you might ruminate about this and that could prove to be counter productive for you as it will keep you thinking "what if" and in limbo.

 

Are you strong enough to close the door in your mind to this and not think about it further?

[aloneinaz]

Listen, stop listening to the romantic side of your thoughts. The "ok, we learned from our first break up and everything will be fine if we reconcile". You're only 22 YO. You have to know rationally that it didn't work the first time and both your core personalities won't change.

 

That's the whole point of dating and having R/S's with many different partners at your age. You have to try on different personalities to see who you're a good fit for. Recycling and going back to a previous FAILED R/S will only cause more BS and drama for you.

 

There was NO value in him sending that letter. He was putting out a "feeler" to see if he still had someone out their who coveting him to stroke his ego. DON'T give it to him. Stay NC and save your self respect and pride. Let that failed R/S stay there, in your past.

 

You're 22! My gosh, go out and have some fun! Date different folks. Expand your horizons and gain more life experience. Don't SETTLE for BS or drama from any relationship. This site is littered w/posts who did just that and obviously was a disaster.

[Lansing]

I agree 100% with aloneinaz...

 

I wish I was 22 again, I didn't even really start dating until my late 20s.

 

You are better off dating someone new. At least go out with 3 or 4 other guys before you even think back about this dude again but I suggest you just move on completely.

 

I can relate to your story. I was only seeing a girl for a few months but she ended things because she thought I wasn't into her enough and the way she went about the breakup really made me wonder what was going on with her. She wouldn't listen to what I had to say and that really frustrated me so I accepted she wanted to break up. She sent me an e-mail about a month later saying that she wanted to apologize for the last conversation and that she was wrong and being unreasonable. I sent her a message back saying thank you for the apology but I didn't know what else to say and then I asked her about some other stuff to change the topic. When she responded she basically said she just wanted to get that off her chest and she hadn't expected a response but it was nice hearing from me.

 

Anyway, I have since run into her a few times in social situations. I think she is dating someone else now.

[spiderowl]

I read it as a closure letter. Quite why he would suddenly spring this on you out of the blue is anyone's guess. Maybe he was feeling guilty about not breaking up 'properly' - if there was such a thing.

 

I feel it would be dangerous to take this as a way of him reaching out for a possible second chance. It is too wishy-washy from the point of view of intent and talks mostly about how he should have broken up in a better way.

 

I think he's just sending it to assuage his guilt.

[scarnface]

I read it as a closure letter.

 

I think he's just sending it to assuage his guilt.

 

I thought that may be the case. He did seem guilty about how we broke up and the stuff that happened afterwards.

 

But then if he was sending it as an apology I don't understand why he'd mention stuff like how he thinks of me all the time and still has everything I gave and made for him. E.g. he wrote that the wooden decoration with our initials that I made for him is still hanging in his room but I thought that'd be one of the first things he'd get rid of. Yet it's been three months and he obviously still hangs onto it. I don't get why he'd tell me this stuff if he didn't mean to stir up feelings.

 

(I suppose if I REALLY want to know his intentions I'm best to ask him directly and there's no point in asking internet strangers about it but it does help to get advice/insight from other people so thank you).

[aloneinaz]

But then if he was sending it as an apology I don't understand why he'd mention stuff like how he thinks of me all the time and still has everything I gave and made for him. E.g. he wrote that the wooden decoration with our initials that I made for him is still hanging in his room but I thought that'd be one of the first things he'd get rid of. Yet it's been three months and he obviously still hangs onto it. I don't get why he'd tell me this stuff if he didn't mean to stir up feelings.

 

Again, I believe he was looking to get a reaction from you by saying those things. Maybe he was hoping you'd respond by saying to him that you miss him and have also kept his things and you think about him all the time..

 

Basically, he was looking for you to stroke his ego knowing you still longed for him. It's like he was throwing out a fishing line w/a nice piece of bait on the hook and was hoping you bite on it.

 

The only other option is what has already been suggested. He was simply trying to clear his conscience for whatever things he did wrong with you. Some people believe that when they treat others poorly that Karma will catch up to them and bite them on the butt.

 

Either way, you need to NOT bite on the hook nor break NC for any reason. Continually remind yourself that it DIDN'T work the first time and WON'T work the second time either.

[mg4514]

I'm alone on this thought, but that sounds like a reconcile letter to me. C'mon guys, he said all the right stuff. I'm sorry. I made a mistake. I think of you all the time. I kept all the stuff. He even admitted it was his pride for God's sake.

 

That's a reconcile letter. If you still care, and love him, take a shot at another go of it. People make mistakes, and act irrationally from time to time. If you have doubts about whether or not it will work again--- then leave it on that note, and don't respond in any fashion.

 

Plain and simple.

[Toodaloo]

I have another take on it completely.

 

He feels guilty and the letter makes him feel better.

 

OP just stay away from him. He is clearly messed up.

[marky00]

As I said before,

 

 

The guy is nuts and the letter is nuts. It has like 50 agendas packaged into that letter.

 

 

Somehow I feel like not responding is best because that would be the only way to get a more direct communication from him.

[scarnface]

That's a reconcile letter. If you still care, and love him, take a shot at another go of it. People make mistakes, and act irrationally from time to time. If you have doubts about whether or not it will work again--- then leave it on that note, and don't respond in any fashion.

 

To be honest if I respond there will be a big part of me that hopes it leads to something more but if I never heard back from him after that or he replied wanting to just be friends then it would set me back to square one. But then if I don't reply I can see it festering in my mind and I'll be wondering "what if". Maybe the best thing to do would be to send a quick "thanks for the letter" text and leave it at that?

 

OP just stay away from him. He is clearly messed up.

 

The guy is nuts and the letter is nuts. It has like 50 agendas packaged into that letter.

 

^^ Funny you should say that because I've had other people tell me the same thing.

[marky00]

Yes,

 

 

I guess if the itch gets too great,

 

 

a simple Thankyou text covers you both ways I guess. If he is wanting a recon, he may use that as little opening. If he's just playing games, that message doesn't really give him anything, in fact it would probably bruise his ego a little.

[Sunkissedpatio]

A simple "thank you" text won't get you the answer you need. It will keep you right where you are.

 

Straight up, "what was the point of your letter?" is much better, "I already got closure when we broke up...why now after all this time?" is direct and to the point.

 

Why all the pussyfooting around? This guy takes the liberty to write you a letter that toys with your heart and your life, once again, you have every right to want to know why and for what. No games, straight up "what do you want from me" type of response is not out of line.

[aloneinaz]

Just my opinion but, there's NO reason to reply, ever.. He's trying to bait you into contacting him to see if he still has power over you. If you'd even consider dating him again, you need to work on your self esteem and confidence.

 

People with strong pride, self conviction and confidence would vanish from that persons life. They wouldn't give that guy the time of day nor a response. They'd understand it didn't work and would NEVER consider revisiting it.

 

You're going to damage your self esteem further if you break your silence. Nothing good will come of it.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Just my opinion but, there's NO reason to reply, ever.. He's trying to bait you into contacting him to see if he still has power over you. If you'd even consider dating him again, you need to work on your self esteem and confidence.

 

People with strong pride, self conviction and confidence would vanish from that persons life. They wouldn't give that guy the time of day nor a response. They'd understand it didn't work and would NEVER consider revisiting it.

 

You're going to damage your self esteem further if you break your silence. Nothing good will come of it.

 

I fully agree with this!

 

Having said that, in this particular case it sounds like the OP was dumped because she may have messed up and he was pretty determined at the time to end it but now has had a change of heart. We'd need more context, but if the OP wants him back and feels she wants to give the rel. another chance it is in her court to give things another go if she was the reason he broke up in the first place.

 

 

I do agree in most cases with the self respect and self confidence bit but in this case it sounds like the break-up was due to things that did not involve another person, being simply bored, or falling out of love. They had issues and it sounds like the OP did things to push the ex away and at the time he was not open to working things out but now is.

 

Again, we'd need more context but that is how it appears given what was written in the opening post.

[aloneinaz]

I fully agree with this!

 

Having said that, in this particular case it sounds like the OP was dumped because she may have messed up and he was pretty determined at the time to end it but now has had a change of heart. We'd need more context, but if the OP wants him back and feels she wants to give the rel. another chance it is in her court to give things another go if she was the reason he broke up in the first place.

 

 

I do agree in most cases with the self respect and self confidence bit but in this case it sounds like the break-up was due to things that did not involve another person, being simply bored, or falling out of love. They had issues and it sounds like the OP did things to push the ex away and at the time he was not open to working things out but now is.

 

Again, we'd need more context but that is how it appears given what was written in the opening post.

 

I understand what you're saying. I'm just in the camp that when a R/S ends for any reason that it should stay ended. This site only reinforces that reconciliations don't work out.

[juniorrocha]

I agree with Sunkissedpatio: we need more info about what really happened.

 

If the OP messed up and her ex couldn't at the time stay in the relationship because he was hurt, and now after the dust settled he sees that the problems were fixable, then I don't see why not check on what he's up to, especially if the relationship was a good one.

 

Some of you guys talk like only one side ever screw up in the relationship. Do you really think these 10-15-20 years marriages are always about rainbows and colors? They're not. Most of these go through a lot of sht, including cheating and other mistakes people commit because they are human. A good part of it is about letting go, as long as both of you are willing to make it past the mistakes and make things right.

 

After all, life is all random. You can't ever tell what's to come. You could have an amazing and matured relationship with an ex, as you could also spend years and years meeting horrible people and having a struggle to find a match.

 

Being rational is great, but sometimes I go for following your heart. And it may be innocent on my side, but I don't see bad intentions in that letter.

 

Whatever you choose to do, OP, remember it's your life and your decision. We're only here to offer you opinions and to make you think about your situation. Good luck.

 

I understand what you're saying. I'm just in the camp that when a R/S ends for any reason that it should stay ended. This site only reinforces that reconciliations don't work out.

 

This is not a rule. You don't hear about the reconciliations that worked out here because people only look for this forums when they're aching. Almost no one comes here to share their amazing relationship or how things are great now with their current partner, because they're too busy being happy.

[marky00]

I understand what you're saying. I'm just in the camp that when a R/S ends for any reason that it should stay ended. This site only reinforces that reconciliations don't work out.

 

No

 

 

That's because when reconciliations work, they wouldn't waste their time posting here.

 

 

I have heard of several married couples who had a breakup for like 6 months or so about a year into their relationship. Its actually quite common.

 

 

Sometimes external events happen as well like a one person get really sick or w/e and the other party can't handle it. It definitely sucks when your partner does a runner when u need them most (I have been there) but then again I did understand why they did in a way.

[aloneinaz]

Again, folks need to have their own beliefs and hopes as it pertains to anything in life. I strongly believe the only people that believe reconciliations are possible are those that are clinging to the hope to get back w/their ex that in most cases, dumped them.

 

I don't know of ANYONE in a happy LTR or marriage that sustained a break up. Not one. Everyone I know that had a R/S that sustained 1 or more breakups didn't make it and they broke up again.

 

Believe it or not, I love the movies where a couple breaks ups and gets back together and lives happily every after. I really do. It's just the odds of it happening in real life are low.