feeling insecure from lack of affection from girl im dating

[trevjim]

Ive been dating this girl I met online for a little over 6 weeks, we are both mid twenties, and see each other 2 sometimes 3 times a week.

 

We get on really well, seem to have a spark, a few things in common, no real red flags....so far so good.

 

however she isnt affectionate, and that's making me feel insecure, what i mean by this is, if I go to kiss her, hold hands, cuddle, have sex, she responds positively and reciprocates. not once however has she initiated anything, im not clingy or overly touchy feely, but she offers nothing in that respect. if I dont initiate it, nothing would happen, yet i figure as this stage of dating usually you cant 'keep your hand of each other', so the lack of affection really makes me feel insecure as to how she feels about me.

 

like i said though, she does always seem happy around me, we get on well and she always seem to want to see me, she responds well to any affection i initiate. she is confidant, she has no body issues or anything like that, she is just 100% reactive to physical things. for example when we go to sleep she doesnt say good night, cuddle or kiss me, she just rolls over, but like i said, if i do or say one of those things she responds well

 

im reluctant to speak to her about it because I can only see two outcomes both negative 1) she starts showing affection but it will be force and fake 2) i come across as clingy and push her away.

 

another thing that adds to my insecurity, is she doesnt seem bothered about introducing me or even mentioning me to her friends and family, she lives with her mother, and when i visit if we are staying in, we go straight to her room, I feel quite rude not saying hi to her mum, ive told her i feel rude and she just brushes it off. she even said she hasnt told her friends or her mum about me, not even my name. I know its 6 weeks but I find this quite odd, especially as my friends and family are all show an interest in who she is.

 

the sex we have is good, but there is not intimacy, eye contact is 100% non existent and after we barely cuddle. im not expecting long loving stares or anything like that, but currently it feels like a transaction not a bonding thing.

 

looking for some advice because I quite like this girl and could see it developing into a relationship as most of its going quite well, the lack of affection doesnt bother me too much in the physical sense because she does respond well to anything i initiate, but im wondering if there is a reason behind it

[BaileyB]

I was about to ask if this was her first relationship, because she could be a little nervous and unsure. Same for the discussion about meeting friends and family - we girls often feel like we shouldn't pressure a guy and that we should wait until he tells us we are exclusive/he is really ready to meet family.

 

The thing that concerns me is the fact that she won't look at you when you have sex or cuddle after. That could be shyness/insecurity, but I would hope that she would at least be more affectionate at those times.

 

talk to her about your concerns. Tell her that it's important to you to feel connected to her. See what her response is, then you will know. Don't make assumptions or jump to conclusions though.. I wonder if it will change when she really feels secure in the relationship - it could be shyness or self protection. Hopefully it will change.

[trevjim]

I was about to ask if this was her first relationship, because she could be a little nervous and unsure. Same for the discussion about meeting friends and family - we girls often feel like we shouldn't pressure a guy and that we should wait until he tells us we are exclusive/he is really ready to meet family.

 

The thing that concerns me is the fact that she won't look at you when you have sex or cuddle after. That could be shyness/insecurity, but I would hope that she would at least be more affectionate at those times.

 

talk to her about your concerns. Tell her that it's important to you to feel connected to her. See what her response is, then you will know. Don't make assumptions or jump to conclusions though.. I wonder if it will change when she really feels secure in the relationship - it could be shyness or self protection. Hopefully it will change.

 

thanks for the reply, its not her first relationship, she has had a couple of proper ones and a few short term ones, she is extremely good looking and not short of options. insecurity has crossed my mind, bit it just doesn't fit in my opinion.

 

admittedly its still early days she perhaps i just dont know her enough, she just gives me so many mixed signals i find it stressful, she always says yes to another date and seems happy so im assuming she wouldn't see me if she wasn't interested, but at the same time she is quite 'cold'

 

i wonder if im being used

[BaileyB]

I wouldn't say you are being used. But then again, I'm not overly cynical of people's intentions.

 

If it's not her first relationship, it's less likely that she is nervous. Although, she may be a little insecure with you because it is early in your relationship... Sometimes in the early days, when you are unsure where the relationship is going, some girls may hold something back just as a form of self protection. It may change when she feels more secure in the relationship.

 

Although, I think now it's more likely her personality. I would talk to her and tell her that you notice she is not overly affectionate. Ask her if she has been like this is past relationships. Ask her how important physical affection/intimacy is to her and tell her that it is important to you. If it stays the same, it may not be enough for you. Best wishes.

Edited September 4, 2016 by BaileyB

[Tahirthegreat]

From my experiences, it wont change. Its also possible that she likes spending time with you, but doesnt enjoy the sex, and is getting it from someone else. I would be wary, and proceed with caution.

[phineas]

Some women are just like this.

I've met a few where they won't show any signs of attraction but if I make a move they don't stop me and then once it gets going it's like a switch turns on and they are into it.

But they don't make a damn sound other then moaning and if you ask them if they like something they don't answer or say they don't know, but if you tell them to do something, they will.

 

It's really weird to me because i really do prefer women that are agressive and like to talk during sex.

 

However the lack of eye contact, ect stuff is very strange.

Sounds like she is keeping emotional distance while enjoying the physical.

[Romantic Gentleman]

Maybe she's sexually frustrated? There are girls, and guys that are nice, that don't want to come off as the player type, so they act this way, but she just may not be fully opening up to you yet, cause of her past

[preraph]

She sounds too passive for you. There was a time when MOST women were passive like that and didn't initiate.

[smackie9]

From an article I had read: Women also express their affection in terms of what they don't do, more so than men. Females show love and affection for their partners by being less assertive and less dominant, according to a University of Texas in Austin study written about in "Love Knows No Gender Difference" by Barbara Bronson Gray, published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. The news may stun men, who generally show affection by initiating sex, sharing chores, or doing joint leisure activities. If your girlfriend allows you to be more dominant in the relationship, that could mean she's being affectionate.

[BaileyB]

From an article I had read: Women also express their affection in terms of what they don't do, more so than men. Females show love and affection for their partners by being less assertive and less dominant, according to a University of Texas in Austin study written about in "Love Knows No Gender Difference" by Barbara Bronson Gray, published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. The news may stun men, who generally show affection by initiating sex, sharing chores, or doing joint leisure activities. If your girlfriend allows you to be more dominant in the relationship, that could mean she's being affectionate.

 

Very true. Especially early in a relationship - a woman doesn't want to be too assertive or aggressive. This is very interesting - and typically not understood by men who think if she is not overtly sexual early on that she in either not feeling it or seeing someone else.