What should I be doing now?

[normanland]

Hi guys,

 

Background

 

• 5 years together
  
• She says I'm complacent and don't give her attention.
  
• Year 4, I went clubbing behind her back and made out with a girl she found out but gave me another chance
  
• She got a insecure
  
• She doesnt club herself and is very loyal to me
  

 

How it started

• 3 weeks back my ex and I had an argument that snow balled everything
  
• The argument was because I went out with a group of new friends and she wanted to know the names of the girls in the group but I refused as I barely got the know the name of the girls as well
  
• So she said she had enough of being insecure and we decided to have a cooling off for 1 week
  
• This is the first time we really took such a long cooling off within the years that we were together
  

 

Cooling off period

• The first few days, she was telling me how much she misses me and want to get back but I was stupid and stubborn and wanted to stick with the 1 week period
  
• Day 3 onwards she stopped texting me
  
• Day 5 she told me she couldnt wait and was moving on
  
• I knew she had a party the next day and offered to fetch her back home but she said she already had a tinder date to fetch her back
  
• This was when it struck me that things are getting real and we are REALLY going to break up
  
• Day 6, she went for her company party, got drunk and made out with that tinder date in bed but no sex
  
• The guy dumped her. She texted me about it, but I told her that I didn't mind.
  

 

What happened after

The day after, I went over to her place and I tried to get her back but to no avail. The reasons she gave were because she enjoyed the freedom and do not want to commit and settle down and because she was afraid the r/s will be stagnant if we got back together again. So I concluded to her firmly that I will change, I dont mind looking past the issue and that I will chase her back and be there for her whenever she needs me. When I was leaving, she cried.

 

How we got back but failed

The next few days she went out for a few tinder dates again and met a creep who kept touching her on one of the dates. She was freaked out by it and immediately texted me about it. I calmed her down and then she told me that she felt that she could really calm down because of me.

 

Later on, she initiated a dinner with me and we went out. During the night, we got back together, but the next day she said she couldn't do it. On that same night she asked me over to her house and told me she is willing to try for the relationship, and we got back again. But the next day, she said she felt she didn't want to go through this and we broke up again now saying that we shouldn't contact each other till the end of September before deciding again.

 

My thoughts

But based on what has happened, I think if I'm not even there to be with her, she will forget about me and move on. I've heard about the "no contact" strategy but I'm just afraid it will backlash because she herself told me that it is better I don't be together with her because she is "toxic"

 

So what should I do?

 

Please reply in this thread this thread

Edited September 4, 2016 by normanland

[normanland]

Hi all, my apologies, I might have written too long a story on my previous thread thus there were no replies. Will try to summarize in this thread.

 

My ex and I of 5 years had broken up just 3 weeks back. It all started in year 4 when she found out I made out with a girl behind her back one time in a club. Though she forgave me, she became a little insecure. 3 weeks back, we had long argument before she decided to have a cooling off period for 1 week.

The argument was because I refused to tell her the names of my friends that I barely knew (it was about 10 names)

 

It was the first time we took this so seriously. In the beginning, she was still telling me how she missed me and wanted to get back, but I was stubborn and wanted to complete the full 1 week.

• Day 3 - She stopped texting me
  
• Day 5 - She told me she didn't want to drag any longer and is moving on
  

I remembered that she had a company party the next day till late so I offered to fetch her back home and told her I wanted her back. But it was too late my heart dropped instantly when she said that she already had a tinder date fetching her back home

• Day 6 - She went to the party, got high, and made out with the guy in his apartment, but promised me they had no sex
  
• Day 7 - The guy dumped her and that's when she told me the whole story
  

I didn't mind. So the next day I went over to her place to tell her that I didn't mind and am willing to accept everything. But she still didn't want to as she said she enjoys the freedom and didn't want to settle down or commit. But I didn't give up, I told her that no matter what I'll still be there for her and left. She cried.

 

How we got back but failed

The next few days, she went for a few tinder dates but met with a creep who kept touching her. She ran away from him and texted me about it. I calmed her down and then she told me that I made her felt comfortable.

 

Few days later, she initiated a dinner and we got back at night, the next morning she said she couldn't decide and wanted a break again BUT the same night she said she should at least try the relationship and we got back again. THEN the next day, she told me things can't work out and we parted ways again, only this time she said that we shouldn't talk till the end of the month.

 

I told her "I'm sorry if I move on", but she replied that it might be better if I do because she feels she's a toxic girl after what had happened. So now I don't know what I should be doing. Based on what happened during the cooling off period, don't you guys think there's a high possibility she wont be getting back with me in this 1 month of no talking? Please help!!

Edited September 4, 2016 by normanland

[BluesPower]

Look, I am going to be really blunt with you. I am not trying to be mean in any way. But, you sound really young and goodness I would like to save you some trouble from this day and forward.

 

Dude, she is a little bit nuts. You really need to see that and learn from it. Stay away from women like this. They only bring heartache.

 

You were a complete A**HOLE and childish when you guys had the argument though. No doubt about that.

 

And what is worse is that you handled everything after that completely the wrong way. I get that you guys dated for 5 years, but you never, ever want to chase a woman and appear weak to them in any way. The ones that are worth keeping around just hate that and the ones that keep weak men around are not worth it.

 

If you are really that weak and not self confident, then don't see anyone for a while and try to gain that confidence with in yourself. There are women, and men for that matter, that really get an ego boost from playing with the hearts of weak men. It is like a cat playing with a mouse for a while, until they kill it and eat it. (No ladies not all women are like this, so please don't get in an uproar.)

 

You have really blown it with this girl, and you are so lucky that she does not want to be with you. You are so much better off.

 

And, look, let's be real for a second. The guy that she met on tinder, yeah, she totally screwed him. It may or may not have been good sex for her, but she screwed him with out a doubt. She is lying to you for whatever reason, but come on man you really should not be so naïve.

 

Bottom line - Stay away from her and get yourself together. In the end, you really cannot imagine how much happier you will be. In fact, you dodged a bullet, even if it was by accident.

 

Learn from this and move on...

Edited September 4, 2016 by BluesPower

[aloneinaz]

What you should be doing is going NC with her and moving on with your life. Spend some time alone to heal from this and learn what you can about yourself and what you may need to do differently in your next R/S.

 

Relationships run their course and after that length of time you were together and the fact that you made out w/someone else while still with her only suggests you were losing interest in this gal. It happens all the time.

 

It takes too to tangle in a R/S. It takes a lot of work to make a LTR to work w/both parties having to work at it. I'd let this one stay in the rear view mirror. You've already discovered that these break ups and get back togethers didn't do any good. Guess what, it one month or 6 months go by and you try again, it will only fail once more.

 

She's already out there dating which means she was probably done w/that R/S as well. Again, let it stay ended if you want to stop the BS, drama and pain. NC, no spying on her social media and out of sight, out of mind will be the quickest path to getting over this R/S. When you're truly feeling better, start casually dating again.

 

Life's way to short to keep recycling failed R/S's. There's way too many other people out there that may REALLY rock your world.

[normanland]

Thanks for the comments guys. Just FYI, when I chased her back, I didn't begged or pleaded her, I told her I would give her space and would just be there if she needs me.

 

What if I don't want to give up this relationship yet? What should I do?

 

Are there any relationship coaches to recommend? I saw Brad Browning's videos on youtube, was thinking to consult his services. I'm from Singapore, does this change anything?

[Bazamu]

Hey man, I've been in these types of situations so many times, i'm surprised I haven't even fixed myself so my next relationship wouldn't end up like these.'

 

First off, I've tried tinder for a week and everyone knows its a one night stand app. Not many people who go on a "date" using Tinder is there to get to know each other, other then what thread count are on your bed.

 

"Giving her space" is giving her the upper hand. You are pretty much saying, "hey if all the dudes you are screwing and aren't working out, i'll be there"

 

Everyone says GO NO CONTACT and STAY away, but 90% of us people who were in love know that's almost physically impossible, unless you are a robot. They say go to the gym, go hang out with friends and re sew all the loose ends you had with friends you have ignored, because of the girl you were dating.

 

From my experience, the gym worked out for a little while, but she was always on my mind, talking with friends and family can only go so far, specially when some of them have been married and never met another woman (everyone in my family are married, have kids, and never divorced, GO ME) so for me, my family and some friends cannot understand what you are feeling or going through. They always end up saying, quit talking about her and move on, it's over dude.... That;s usually what comes out of my friends mouths.

 

I have found out trying to avoid her, even when she tries to talk to you, even though it hurts and she is no longer next to you when you wake up, or be their to talk to you 24/7, it hurts a lot.

 

yes, please, the next person quote me on what I just said, ("avoiding her and no contact contradiction.)

 

No one can tell you whether you are going to be okay tomorrow or the next day or hell even a year from now. She was your drug and you can't have it as much as you want anymore.

 

My ex was my drug for more than 2 years. I started to fall out of love with her though, since she started juggling me and this other dude at the same time. Once you start thinking about how gross it is when you are in the sack with your GF/Wife, you start to become disgusted with her and yourself.

 

This will take some time and it's up to you to decide what you are going to do with it. All of us on her can give you advise left and right, but you are the one who decides to ignore or agree and actually take a step forward, instead of 2 steps back.

[BluesPower]

Dude, please listen to what people are telling you.

 

If you still want this R/S you could check yourself in the a psych hospital. Maybe get some really concentrated therapy that way, and get yourself together.

 

Look, so far you still have your balls in tact. If you allow yourself to get back with her, you won't even have that. This woman is poison, pure poison. She gets off by humiliating you, (and you are her little cat toy).

 

I have seen this so many times. And, it does not matter where you are from. In fact, that is such a huge city that you could just piss out the window and find 10 or a 100 other women that would be better that this one.

 

And no, I am not joking with you at all. Please for your sake, Go NC with this woman and stay that way.

[aloneinaz]

Thanks for the comments guys. Just FYI, when I chased her back, I didn't begged or pleaded her, I told her I would give her space and would just be there if she needs me.

 

You leak weak and kinda like a doormat that she can walk all over. You're giving all this power to her. You're allowing her to make all the decisions on whether or not she will see you again. She snaps her fingers, and you come running back to her. That's not attractive to anyone.

 

 

What if I don't want to give up this relationship yet? What should I do?

 

Are there any relationship coaches to recommend? I saw Brad Browning's videos on youtube, was thinking to consult his services. I'm from Singapore, does this change anything?

 

It sounds like she is the wise one in this situation. She knows your relationship didn't work and you two broke up. Maybe she understands that if you got back together, it wouldn't last long and would only cause more pain, drama and BS. GREAT, lasting, loving, healthy relationships never include cheating or ANY break ups. Those two things are R/S enders for most people.

 

You should spend the money you're considering spending on a R/S coach on going out and meeting someone new. Your last R/S appears to have run it course and then crashed and burned. Spending money on "advice" to chase this ex isn't wise. Those movie scenes were the guy chases the girl after a breakup and they live happily ever after are not reality.

 

Again, it just my opinion but.. I think you should leave her alone, go NC, heal and learn what you can from this past experience. Then, when you're ready, start dating again.

[normanland]

Her common reasonings given is because she wants to take a break from the 5 years together and wants to have fun and dont want to commit.

 

She texted me last night saying that she misses me in the morning, but misses her freedom at night. What is this interpreted as? I think she is just very confused as to what she's doing. She knows she had screwed up her life.

 

I'm thinking if NC will be a good way to make her gain her attraction for me again and clear her head.

Edited September 5, 2016 by normanland

[Bazamu]

DONT RESPOND TO HER NO MATTER WHAT man.... silence is the worse thing to do to someone... she will wonder what you are doing, since you aren't available as much.

 

Just stop respond for a day or 2 and watch... I once had a girlfriend where she was messing with a guy and I stopped talking to her for a few weeks, then one day. I heard a rock hit my window. She was out in the cold asking to talk to me.

 

I told her, "if you want to talk, get a hotel room, tell me what room you are in, and we can talk."

 

It was a nice booty call, but again, its still disgusting thinking about putting in a chick you have no idea where she has been or what diseases she contracted along the way.. always strap it up, no matter what!

[normanland]

I hadn't reply her yet, she texted me again to tell me she's planning for a solo overseas trip. But not sure if she's angry at me because she ended with a "if you still care".

 

Or is the NC thing working?