Karel Posted September 4, 2016 Posted September 4, 2016 Hi everyone, I (male, 28) was dumped about two months ago, by my girlfriend after a very intense relationship that lasted for about a year. I was so in love with her! The break-up came as a surprise to me, and left me devastated. In a nutshell, she kissed a friend of hers, and that made her seriously question our relationship and what she felt for me.... I am a bit better now, but still struggling.... a lot..... Feel depressed, still cry a lot.... Though I really try to do whatever I can to keep moving: Friends, sports, work, etc. I tried to go into 'no contact' immediately, but she contacted me after around 4 weeks (that was the moment she came home from a trip abroad), asking me to meet to talk. At first I was hesitant, but I could resist. So we talked, but nothing had changed really. She said she felt I was more in love with her than she was with me. I decided not to ask for more 'explanations', knowing that it would only hurt more, and that things arent that crystal clear, also not for the dumper. When we said goodbye we talked about two books of mine that she still had. I said I couldnt care less about the books, and then we hugged and said goodbye. I also told her I didnt want to see her or have contact with her, because it would hurt me too much. Now around 3 weeks after we talked, she texts me asking me how I am doing and telling me she still has my books and whether she can bring it to my work or whether I am home today. I guess these are the 'breadcrumbs' people talk about at this forum. At first I felt happy because of the text, thinking it showed she was missing me, and that she wanted to see me.... I decided to ignore the text. Now more than a week has passed. And I feel crap again. I REALLY hoped she would contact me again, with MORE than just a stupid message about books. But it didnt come..... No I am thinking about responding to her message about the books, although I am not sure I should. I know I must sound pretty desperate, and as a matter of fact, I am. I find it hard to accept it will take a long time to 'heal'. I have very good self-discipline in the sense that I do all the right stuff in terms of talking to people about it, excersise, go to work, take care of myself, dont lose myself in alcohol, sex, drugs or whatever..... But what I find really difficult is to accept that the way I feel (CRAP/DEVASTATED!) is not because I do anything wrong..... I find it hard to give myself the room to grief, to say it's okay that it will take a lot of time...that I will be okay.....That I shouldn't feel bad about seeing that people on this forum feel much better already after 15 days of NC, and that...well.... I dont really. I guess I am posting this to get some support.... And perhaps some advice on the breadcrumps that I got lost week and how to handle that. Many thanks, K
Marco Valerio Posted September 4, 2016 Posted September 4, 2016 Hi friend, I can only tell you that, you deserve someone who loves you as much as you love them. You deserve someone who appreciates having you in their life, and who who respects you enough to never kiss someone else or worse. You deserve better, she's not the one for you, no matter how much you love her right now. 1
BluesPower Posted September 4, 2016 Posted September 4, 2016 (edited) Read some of my other posts. Just click on my username and look at the last few posts I have written to guys in your situation. I can post them here if you really need me too, but it is kind of a waste of time. I am so sorry that you are hurting, but it does get better. You are way better off with out her. But, man, at 28 you are almost grown, this can't be the first time you have broke up with a woman. ***(Hard Truth Alert)*** But this being so weak with women thing you young guys seem to have trouble with is really strange for me. I mean do you guy not have anyone around that could set you straight about this type of stuff. I am not trying to be too hard on you and your generation so please don't take it that way. But look, if you don't really know how the be strong with women, please take some time and figure it out. It is no way to live. It is really good to keep the no contact, but you really have to stick with it. Try to take time and figure out what some of your issues are and deal with them before you get back out there. If you do this, you will be so much happier. You may find the love of your life and be able to keep her on your terms. You never know. Edited September 4, 2016 by BluesPower
Lansing Posted September 4, 2016 Posted September 4, 2016 I am so sorry that you are hurting, but it does get better. You are way better off with out her. But, man, at 28 you are almost grown, this can't be the first time you have broke up with a woman. Some people are late bloomers. I didn't have my first relationships into my late 20s. Sometimes guys don't have any role models when it comes to relationships either (i.e. no older brother, dad who never talked about dating/women/etc). As a guy we are exposed to romantic comedies/films/songs and sometimes think that is how it is all supposed to work. I don't know if you mention in your other posts where to go to "learn" this stuff but I will check out your other posts because even older than OP now I still feel like I haven't "learned" it.
preraph Posted September 4, 2016 Posted September 4, 2016 Block her so she can't contact you and end this temptation. This is why you do it, because you'll endow every piddly contact as a chance at reconciliation. Block her so you don't get strung out like a yoyo. If she wants to return books, she can mail them to you. She's probably just trying to save her self $12.
ksol9 Posted September 4, 2016 Posted September 4, 2016 What was the reason for wanting to meet with you if she wanted to same the same thing as when she broke up with you? Her contacting you afterwards just shows that she is in fact thinking about you, but what for? There is something she isn't communicating about her feelings. Maybe she is confused. She misses you, but is confused. The only way this is going to sort itself out is with time and no contact. Sorry you're hurting. I know what agony you're in...I'm just really sorry.
aloneinaz Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 My advice.. Stop having any contact with her. Like you said, she dumped you because she wasn't feeling it w/you. Change you mindset AWAY from any thoughts of reconciliation. Would you really consider round two w/her for her only to get bored again and you to be dumped again? That's exactly what would happen. Right now, your focus need to be all about you. BLOCK her number or change your phone number. Block her on social media. Provide no means for her to contact you. You owe her nothing. No responses, etc. She kicked you to the curb. The fact that she dumped you and then wanted to meet up for no reason is BS. I think she just wanted to make sure she still had you wrapped around her finger and wants to keep you there. That's why she's making up stupid reasons to contact you. Some people need to know there's folks out there who want them. Understand, the vast majority of guys who got dumped would of ignored her wishes to meet up. Her text or call would of been meet with dead silence. She would of been ignored. That would of been the right thing to do. It's what you must do going forward. Block her. Ignore any attempts at contact for her ego to be stroked. As far as time it takes to heal? It's all up to you and your choices. Cutting all contact and going strick NC, not spying on her social media, looking at old photos of her, will make you feel better the quickest. Within a couple of months you should be feeling much better and you may even consider dating again. It was only a year RS so that should speed up your recovery time. 1
BluesPower Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 OP and Lansing guys I hope I did not offend you to or the other guys your age. Good god I had 3 kids by the time I was 28. Just read my posts on this type of stuff, not the stuff where I am dealing with my crazy sh**, I might scare you too much. How to explain this? And older guys please chime in with some type of help here. Look, women are just the most wonder things that god ever created. No, that is totally true. Their eyes, their skin, just everything about them is wonderful. And that does not even take into consideration the smart ones and there are a ton of those. Way smarter than you or I. Good grief it makes them makes them so sexy. And then their capability to love us stupid guys. I mean wow. But here is the deal, just like men there are bad ones. And you try to do your best to avoid those. Sometimes it is hard, because sometimes the bad ones are the smartest and the hottest. Not all the time but sometimes. As a matter of fact one of my rules is that if they are just smoking hot, it is better to pass those by rather that take a chance of losing your head over one. Sometimes it takes a long wet sweet kiss to be sure if she violates that smoking hot rule or not, but that is more advanced. So first ignore everything about men that is in the movies or any other popular entertainment. You just have to be a strong and confident in yourself. Take your time learning about what makes a particular women tick. Just don't fall for the first one that has sex with you. Be sensitive to there needs, likes and dislikes and all that. Over time you find out what you like about a woman as well. But don't lose your head over all of them. Let them come to you at some point so you can kind of gauge if they really love you or they are just kind of in to you or whatever. I am not really explaining this very well. Can someone help me out or have I just dug to much of a hole? 1
Captivating Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 (edited) Karel, It is completely normal how you feel ! It will slowly subside, be patient and face the pain, let yourself cry, it's ok ! It sucks, I know. Your brain is going over-analyzation mode and doesn't want to accept reality, makes you anxious, sad etc. After the honey-moon phase ends in a relationship (1-2 years) young people tend to think that something is wrong with their relationship so then they quit it. They are just simply unaware of relationship dynamics and they split up. It doesn't help the situation if that person has a wondering eye and all of a sudden he/she starts to feel the same already known excitement towards a new person. (what he felt towards you at the beginning of your relationship) So it is possible that someday she will realize that it was stupid to split up with you, because the honey-moon phase ends sooner or later in every relationship, it just changes, that's all. That's when people really start to see each other in reality, how they truly are. Regardless, don't answer to breadcrumps. It will make her uneasy, she seems to be wanting attention she can feed off of. --- Actions speak louder than words !!! --- Seeing you moving on would bother her too (Don't tell her that you are in pain, it will confuse her.) Bluespower is right, be confident with women and take your time getting to know them. Observe them how they act, think and feel. Similarity in moral compass, caring, compassion, responsibility is key in a good relationship besides the evident attraction part Watch this video, it is very interesting : Edited September 5, 2016 by Captivating 1
smudge21 Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 So she leaves then reaches out but never really to say anything, just looking for that ego boost that you're still around and willing to jump when she comes a-calling. Nice. Like you said though, you ignored her last contact and now none has come. Dumpers be like that - they'll reach out up until they stop getting responses. As much as they're ego is bruised, they're too stubborn to go out of their way to fix it. Plus, as they're not reaching out for anything other than that ego fix, they'll quickly stop doing so when the dumpee fails to respond. It can be a kicker though as we do get a buzz knowing the ex is still contacting us, no matter what it's about. But once it fully stops, you can finally start to heal properly. It sucks, but unless the dumper is crawling over broken glass and begging to be taken back, then everything else is just pointless words... best left ignored. 1
Bialy Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 Your ex is looking for an ego boost, absolutely. You've described some very classic signs that a person like that exhibits after a breakup. She wants the benefit of NOT being in a relationship with you, but she still wants the satisfaction of know she still has control over you. NC - block her! Show that she doesn't have her meat hooks in her brain. It's the first step.
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