Ami1uwant Posted September 4, 2016 Posted September 4, 2016 Ughhhhh I told him to call me when he got a chance. I wanted to talk about the love language and planning a date and he acted really frustrated and stressed like I was attacking him, his way of life, etc. I think he needs to cool off. Te talk was supposed to help but it made it worse. he's usually so good at conflict resolution but not this calm. Gonna give him space. I'm really sad hoe that went. The problem is communication. You need to be explicit and say you want a date where it is just you and him and not with friends. Are his friends single? Married? After you get married and start having kids you stop seeing friends like you used to. It's really important to understand how just you two are together without friends around. 1
Author abby_tx Posted September 4, 2016 Author Posted September 4, 2016 All of his friends are married, engaged, about to be engaged, or baby on the way. So the friends we hang with are all couples and the dynamic will soon change once the best friend has his baby. My guy was odd man out til he met me. I know he was very happy to have found me and I do know he wants a family/kids someday as do I. Obviously my clock is ticking faster. I have to be patient with his inexperience if I think we are truly a match which I did the last four months. Last night and the phone convo today made me paranoid we are doomed. It should have been simple. Obviously Iike him so asking for a date night should be flattering but he took offense. My girl friend said I'm too good of a girlfriend and I need to do my own things and have my own friends so he values me as a confident woman. Maybe then he'll start to make compromises more. His friends are also just a weekend thing with a very rare week day. Weekdays he's worn out so he mostly just wants to do TV dates.
Omei Posted September 4, 2016 Posted September 4, 2016 (edited) OP one thing that you should probably not do tho is try and discuss these things the moment they're happening while you were on your outing you wanted to go home but pulled him aside to try and discuss how your feeling right then and there thats embarrassing for a man to deal with and can backfire because your putting him in a "pick" situation and setting yourself up for disappointment because it's not the time and place chances are a dude will pick staying out then going home and getting an earful in the future try to bring up these things in the privacy of your own home then he won't feel jumped on and you'll have more chance of having his attention and being heard. Edited September 4, 2016 by Omei
teamo Posted September 4, 2016 Posted September 4, 2016 Ok that changes things. I was getting a different picture in my mind based n your first post that he wanted to party with single friends multiple times a week. If you are only going out with friends on the weekend maybe communicate that you'd like one weekend date to b be on one time? You really need to have a conversation with him what quality one on one time is. A lot of people view staying in watching tv and movies with their significant other qt. if having qt for you is intense conversations and that is it him, you may just be incompatible. Otherwise I really don't see the problem if you're spending time by yourselves during the week and using weekends to meetup with friends. Why don't you decide on a mutual time to go home before alight out with friends? What is his timeline for marriage/ kids? You are 33 and I think you need to communicate more about this. He wants kids in the future could be 5-7 years. In 7 years you are almost 40..... Is that viable for you?
Author abby_tx Posted September 4, 2016 Author Posted September 4, 2016 OP one thing that you should probably not do tho is try and discuss these things the moment they're happening while you were on your outing you wanted to go home but pulled him aside to try and discuss how your feeling right then and there thats embarrassing for a man to deal with and can backfire because your putting him in a "pick" situation and setting yourself up for disappointment because it's not the time and place chances are a dude will pick staying out then going home and getting an earful in the future try to bring up these things in the privacy of your own home then he won't feel jumped on and you'll have more chance of having his attention and being heard. Good point. I'll try to avoid that in the future. I Probably embarrassed him.
Author abby_tx Posted September 4, 2016 Author Posted September 4, 2016 Ok that changes things. I was getting a different picture in my mind based n your first post that he wanted to party with single friends multiple times a week. If you are only going out with friends on the weekend maybe communicate that you'd like one weekend date to b be on one time? You really need to have a conversation with him what quality one on one time is. A lot of people view staying in watching tv and movies with their significant other qt. if having qt for you is intense conversations and that is it him, you may just be incompatible. Otherwise I really don't see the problem if you're spending time by yourselves during the week and using weekends to meetup with friends. Why don't you decide on a mutual time to go home before alight out with friends? What is his timeline for marriage/ kids? You are 33 and I think you need to communicate more about this. He wants kids in the future could be 5-7 years. In 7 years you are almost 40..... Is that viable for you? We are only 4 months in so that talk might freak him out. He already seems so pressured by this current one. I notice when I am easy going, he sets a more serious pace. I don't know his exact timeline just that it's not on his radar currently.
Omei Posted September 4, 2016 Posted September 4, 2016 Good point. I'll try to avoid that in the future. I Probably embarrassed him. Indeed in a grp setting whenever the gf pulls her guy aside it's like a mom scolding her child and then he has to dk that shame walk back to his friends and they don't even have to guess he got a talking too also makes you look needy to them.
Author abby_tx Posted September 4, 2016 Author Posted September 4, 2016 I go to therapy for anxiety and she specifically told me not to think about that clicking biological clock or I will sabatoge current relationships by putting a serious tone on t too early.
teamo Posted September 4, 2016 Posted September 4, 2016 We are only 4 months in so that talk might freak him out. He already seems so pressured by this current one. I notice when I am easy going, he sets a more serious pace. I don't know his exact timeline just that it's not on his radar currently. Understandable, but at the same time if you are 33 and want marriage and kids you need to be date someone on the same time table. Do you want to wait 5 years for somebody to be ready for a more serious commitment? What is your time frame? What do you want? This doesn't mean he needs to feel pressured to propose tomorrow, just communication in the future that you're working on same timeline. 1
Author abby_tx Posted September 4, 2016 Author Posted September 4, 2016 Indeed in a grp setting whenever the gf pulls her guy aside it's like a mom scolding her child and then he has to dk that shame walk back to his friends and they don't even have to guess he got a talking too also makes you look needy to them. Yeah I'll try not to make that mistake again. That was stupid on my part.
Author abby_tx Posted September 4, 2016 Author Posted September 4, 2016 Understandable, but at the same time if you are 33 and want marriage and kids you need to be date someone on the same time table. Do you want to wait 5 years for somebody to be ready for a more serious commitment? What is your time frame? What do you want? This doesn't mean he needs to feel pressured to propose tomorrow, just communication in the future that you're working on same timeline. I am going to waitir that convo after 6 months and if we're feeling more stable and happy. I want to figure this out before adding the kid pressure.
teamo Posted September 4, 2016 Posted September 4, 2016 I am going to waitir that convo after 6 months and if we're feeling more stable and happy. I want to figure this out before adding the kid pressure. Ok sounds reasonable. Just make sure you are not compromising what you want from a relationship is my advice 1
preraph Posted September 4, 2016 Posted September 4, 2016 We have been together 4 months and it was never an issue til this last week cause there wasn't much alone time. I've dated introverts and it doesn't work for me. I like social guys with their own lives. It's attractive and gets me out of my shell. I love having stuff to do with him and hanging out with his friends. I've been going along with it and it's been working. The issue is just lately it's been so busy we didn't get the one-on-one time that I crave. I don't even need much of it but I seriously can't think when we had our last date and evidently we couldn't figure out a good way to talk about this without him being offended or thinking it's all in my head. I'm very unhappy at the way he dealt with what wasn't even a big deal. Just be like "I'll take you out on Wednesday. Sorry." Instead it turned into "this is who I am!" He just told you this is who he is. Granted, he probably gave you more time alone right at first but the longer you know someone, the more of the real person you see. And he just told you this is who he is. He is not wanting to give you more one-on-one time. He is wanting to weave you into his life. He's just not the one for you. And I say that because even though he's perfectly normal, still, not every guy wants to spend so much time with friends and family as he does, and the guy you need is only slightly less inclined to hang with friends and family. And there's plenty of those. You know, it's often the guy who doesn't want to go to family things or hang with their woman's friends. 1
Author abby_tx Posted September 4, 2016 Author Posted September 4, 2016 He just told you this is who he is. Granted, he probably gave you more time alone right at first but the longer you know someone, the more of the real person you see. And he just told you this is who he is. He is not wanting to give you more one-on-one time. He is wanting to weave you into his life. He's just not the one for you. And I say that because even though he's perfectly normal, still, not every guy wants to spend so much time with friends and family as he does, and the guy you need is only slightly less inclined to hang with friends and family. And there's plenty of those. You know, it's often the guy who doesn't want to go to family things or hang with their woman's friends. We don't know he's unwilling yet. I'm sad at the idea of ending something for a bad week. We like each other and hope can figure it out. 1
randall Posted September 4, 2016 Posted September 4, 2016 Give it a little more time. He's 29 and a lot of guys are still not very mature even at that age. If you're concerned about your biological clock ticking you shouldn't stretch things out trying to "change him". But if he continues to prioritize his partying time with friends even after you've had a talk with him then you should move on. Also IMHO, if you've only hung out four times and you're already wanting certain aspects of his personality or behavior to change it's a bad sign.
Author abby_tx Posted September 4, 2016 Author Posted September 4, 2016 Give it a little more time. He's 29 and a lot of guys are still not very mature even at that age. If you're concerned about your biological clock ticking you shouldn't stretch things out trying to "change him". But if he continues to prioritize his partying time with friends even after you've had a talk with him then you should move on. Also IMHO, if you've only hung out four times and you're already wanting certain aspects of his personality or behavior to change it's a bad sign. It's been four months. Last week I was o cloud 9 with this guy. Happiest relationship I've been in this far so what changed I have no idea... Gotta be lack of contact last week.edit: also I don't want him to change, just how often we see eachotger
BluesPower Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 I just read your age and the clock thing. That is a different situation. Look I am just saying that a man (and look guys 29 is a grown man, or it should be) that loves a woman, is going to do what it takes to make her happy. I is not sounding like this guy is anywhere near ready for real life. I would hate for you to wait around for a man child to grow up. They really never do. A friend of mine just realized this about her boy friend and they had been together for 8 years. She just finally had to break up with him because he was never going to grow up. You really need to look deep at the potential of this relationship. Good luck...
Blanco Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 You two aren't a good fit for each other. Neither one of you is wrong, but it's tough to overcome fundamental differences. Eventually, it turns into resentment on at least one side. Please don't stay with this guy on the hopes that you will change him. 2
Recommended Posts