Don't know how to overcome this...

[abby_tx]

My boyfriend of four months and I have had a pretty great relationship thus far. Personality wise, we're kinda the opposite as he's a social butterfly with many friends and I'm more introverted. I have tried dating shy and introverted guys and it doesn't work for me, so this was great. But this week it has become the source of two of our more serious talks and I'm really worried about the state of our relationship. It's weird because a week ago I was on cloud 9. So take this week for example. We hung out 4 times, but it didn't feel like quality time to me because 3 of those times we were around friends and I didn't get that one-on-one time with him. Two of those times we really only talked in passing. I know he still likes me because his friends all tell me he's crazy about me. Also he's always inviting me to hang out with his parents and friends.

 

We were out tonight with his friends. I told him I was tired and ready to go home, assuming he'd leave at the same time so we could get in some cuddle time. We don't know when we'll next see each other. Instead he told me, "I'm not ready to leave. Is it okay if I hang with them some more?" This made me incredibly sad because I was so looking forward to it and couldn't believe he'd choose friends over me again. I ask if we can talk outside. I explain where I'm coming from and he doesn't get it. He's PERFECTLY happy and thinks we saw each other more than ever this week. He doesn't understand what quality time is. I would say that word and he'd be like, 'But... what was last night then?" And I'm like "That was you not getting a chance to talk to me because you were with your friend." I told him I was really sad to be leaving alone because I miss him and I wish he wanted to see me more than he wanted to party. He then says weekends have always been about friends/partying because work is stressful and it's his outlet. Of course, he does 100% include me in these weekends but it's not always what I want to do. I tell him we need to have more date nights. Long story short after all this, me saying I was sad to go home alone, he still stayed out with his friends and I'm crushed. Do we even belong together at this point?

[usa1ah]

Not if he is treating you like this. When I first meet my wife I basically blew my friends off for awhile. Spent every spare minute with her.

[abby_tx]

I guess what I want to say is...I really do love him and I think it could end up being a really wonderful relatoinship but I don't know how to get past this hump. Like, just give me your devoted attention 1 night a week and that's really all I need but it's like you can't even do that

[abby_tx]

Not if he is treating you like this. When I first meet my wife I basically blew my friends off for awhile. Spent every spare minute with her.

 

Well, he does want me there for everything and I don't have many friends so it was easy to just be there for it all. I went along with it all with no fuss whatsoever cause it was new and I was excited to meet everyone, not to mention they were fun. There's never been a time he didn't want me there. It's just now I have a desire for one-on-one time and he's not really understanding the concept or how I couldn't be fulfilled when we see eachother so much.

Edited September 4, 2016 by abby_tx

[Teknoe]

It sounds like you two simply have different love languages. Have you read The Five Love Languages? Yours is obviously quality time. His sounds different. A lot of conflict in relationships come when the couple doesn't know how to provide the proper love language for their partner.

[Omei]

Sound like if he's crazy about you likes to show you off to others that's great

 

So you said he was social butterfly so going out is a regular thing for him and he's telling you that straight up he likes being social and isn't the type to spend all night snuggling on a couch.

 

Surely you get some effection time? It's just not to the amounts you like tho? He isn't a homebody

 

I'm a introvert to I like being alone a lot do you really want him around all the time ? Maybe you can figure out how to get alone time with him yet still being more active like more private dates

[abby_tx]

It sounds like you two simply have different love languages. Have you read The Five Love Languages? Yours is obviously quality time. His sounds different. A lot of conflict in relationships come when the couple doesn't know how to provide the proper love language for their partner.

 

I have read about them. Sounds like I'm definitely quality time. The quote below is definitely what I've been craving and I don't even need it every single day. Just once a week would be great. I'm having a really hard time with him understanding what this means. He thinks when we out to dinner and watched tv that was quality time but at dinner he was more focused on eating and obviously during tv we don't talk.

 

"Quality time is giving someone your undivided attention. I don’t mean sitting on the couch watching television. I mean sitting on the couch with the TV off, looking at each other and talking, and giving each other your undivided attention. For some people, quality time is their primary love language, and if you don’t give them quality time, they will not feel loved."

[smudge21]

Relationships are always about give and take. As much as you want him to be one way, you also have to accept how he is and what else he has going on. In the same sense, he has to understand your needs and desires. I would never expect someone to give up on their friends or change their lives drastically to fit me in, instead just include the relationship as part of their lives. I'm more an introvert like yourself and in many ways there's been times when, whilst dating, I've wanted my own time. My "me" time, and that has caused problems for those that don't get it. I reckon you're both doing well, but just need to talk this through and understand each others differences.

[abby_tx]

Relationships are always about give and take. As much as you want him to be one way, you also have to accept how he is and what else he has going on. In the same sense, he has to understand your needs and desires. I would never expect someone to give up on their friends or change their lives drastically to fit me in, instead just include the relationship as part of their lives. I'm more an introvert like yourself and in many ways there's been times when, whilst dating, I've wanted my own time. My "me" time, and that has caused problems for those that don't get it. I reckon you're both doing well, but just need to talk this through and understand each others differences.

 

I understand his need for friend time which is why I will either accompany him and his friends or stay home alone if I don't feel like partying. But if I specifically say, "I had a bad week. I miss you. I don't want to go home alone tonight. I want you to be there and wake up next to you" and he still makes the choice to stay at his friends... things don't feel so good. I think I'm great at making his life better. I asked him, "If you're unhappy, please tell me." And he told me he's 100% happy and thought I was on the same page. I think he's happy because he's living his life as he wants and I fit in there in a way where he didn't have to change anything. I don't see him making as many compromises. I've had way more relationships and experience so I know what does and doesn't work and I get the feeling this is new to him.

[smudge21]

I understand his need for friend time which is why I will either accompany him and his friends or stay home alone if I don't feel like partying. But if I specifically say, "I had a bad week. I miss you. I don't want to go home alone tonight. I want you to be there and wake up next to you" and he still makes the choice to stay at his friends... things don't feel so good. I think I'm great at making his life better. I asked him, "If you're unhappy, please tell me." And he told me he's 100% happy and thought I was on the same page. I think he's happy because he's living his life as he wants and I fit in there in a way where he didn't have to change anything. I don't see him making as many compromises. I've had way more relationships and experience so I know what does and doesn't work and I get the feeling this is new to him.

 

Hmm, in that case it does sound like everything is pretty much running at his pace right now. Why not, instead of asking him how he is, you tell him how you are. Sadly though, no matter how good something feels, we can't force it to all work out and we have to cut our losses. I hope that's not the case here. I would definitely talk it out as you say, this may all be new to him.

[abby_tx]

Oh it's definitely new to him. I'm 33 and have a 7 year relationship under my belt as well as 3-4 other semi-serious ones. He's 4 years younger. He took most of his 20's off to work on himself so I get he is pretty inexperienced but up until now it wasn't a problem. I genuinely wish one of his older friends in happy relationship woudl tell him about give and take. I think he has a really good thing with me, as made evidence by the fact that he told me h's 100% happy. It's very upsetting that last night I told him what I needed, "I miss you and want you to come home with me" and he didn't do it. He could have recovered the situation instead I lay awake with sadness and confusion and anxiety.

[Kamille]

Do you two go out on romantic dates, just the two of you?

[abby_tx]

Do you two go out on romantic dates, just the two of you?

 

Honestly no. I can't think of the last time we did that. It's more like we would hang out for a reason… Me helping him buy something for his house or visiting his parents. There hasn't been a real date in quite a while.

[abby_tx]

I did a really nice thing for him a couple weeks ago and he told me "I OU a date quote and I've been really wanting this to happen but he doesn't seem to put the effort into it because his life is so busy with things that don't seem like a priority in my opinion

[Sthrngem87]

Figure out what QT actually looks like for you and then explain it to him. Don't be accusatory, don't whine if you're prone to that, just make it short and a matter of fact. I feel x because y happened. I think z is the solution.

 

QT is my love language too and I did have to have a talk with bf once but after I told him what I needed, he stepped up to the plate. I also learned his love language so that I can understand how he communicates love. That has helped me a lot. I see the effort he puts into our relationship that I would miss if I was expecting him to behave like me. Acts of service is huge for my bf so I recognize how he serves me and I encourage him and thank him through my actions and words. He feels appreciated and I feel loved.

[Kamille]

I did a really nice thing for him a couple weeks ago and he told me "I OU a date quote and I've been really wanting this to happen but he doesn't seem to put the effort into it because his life is so busy with things that don't seem like a priority in my opinion

 

Why wait for him to set it up? You two have been together long enough. Alone time together is your idea of quality time and intimacy. Ask him out and set up what you need. This is particularly important since you differ so much: for him anytime spent with you is quality time, regardless of who else is there. This way, you show him what you need.

[abby_tx]

Ughhhhh I told him to call me when he got a chance. I wanted to talk about the love language and planning a date and he acted really frustrated and stressed like I was attacking him, his way of life, etc. I think he needs to cool off. Te talk was supposed to help but it made it worse. he's usually so good at conflict resolution but not this calm. Gonna give him space. I'm really sad hoe that went.

[Kamille]

Ughhhhh I told him to call me when he got a chance. I wanted to talk about the love language and planning a date and he acted really frustrated and stressed like I was attacking him, his way of life, etc. I think he needs to cool off. Te talk was supposed to help but it made it worse. he's usually so good at conflict resolution but not this calm. Gonna give him space. I'm really sad hoe that went.

 

It's the day after he found out you're not as happy with the relationship as he is. Give him time.

[abby_tx]

It's the day after he found out you're not as happy with the relationship as he is. Give him time.

 

 

That's hard cause I'm so full of anxiety and want to know we will be okay. Should I go completely silent til he reaches out to me?

[Kamille]

That's hard cause I'm so full of anxiety and want to know we will be okay. Should I go completely silent til he reaches out to me?

 

I would give him at least until tomorrow and would then reach out with a positive message.

 

In the meantime, find ways to cope with your anxious feelings. Go for a walk, take a bath, go hit the gym. The conversation will go all that much better if you aren't in an anxious headspace when it happens.

 

If he is still feeling like you're attacking him, if he withdraws for too long or if he balks at the idea of a one on one date, you two might be incompatible.

[BluesPower]

Think about this...

 

You sound young, and I am not being condescending, but how many REAL relationships have you been in? There are people who are really social out there that also know how to give a woman or man the quality time they need. If it is the right type of person they will enjoy spending quality time with you.

 

Let me give you some examples, I am an introverted guy, and people don't realize it, especially a lot of my women. Introverted means that you gain energy by being alone and recharging yourself, or maybe in a really intimate setting with someone else. Extrovert really means that you gain energy by being around other people.

 

I can actually be a butterfly and people love that about me but I am actually losing energy when I am in that situation. My (wife at the moment) is an extrovert and she loves being out around people all the time. I adapt because I want her (or any other women that I am with) to be happy. At the same time, she knows I have to be alone sometimes and she is good with that.

 

People that are more self aware can make these compromises and still be happy. If I need cuddle time I tell her and she is only happy to do that as well.

 

Here is another weird thing about me and some people like us. I am a musician, I love to perform and I have performed in front of some huge crowds and it is always great. I get energy from large crowds in this type of situation. But I hate going to concerts with huge crowds. It makes me really uncomfortable. I can play my a** off in front of 10,000 people but attending a concert with a 1000 is kind of uncomfortable.

 

Back to you and this guy. If you have been really clear with him and he still does not get it, you really may have to let him go. Some guys, especially young ones are just blind to the needs of other people.

 

But not all guys are, and finding one that is a little more sensitive really may make you more happy.

 

Good luck dear...

[preraph]

Your social outlook is opposite from his, as you already know, and no, it's not working out well. To him, being social is the norm. He is never going to want to ONLY be with you. To his mind, inviting you to share his friends and family is the ultimate compliment. He's including you in his life. That is his life. He's not about to just stop having friends and family and socializing because you do not like it. You'll either have to find someone more suitable or learn to enjoy him for who he is, a guy who likes to hang with friends and family and not just have quiet one on one time with you. Getting a bf or gf does not mean they alter the rest of their life for you, which means probably he is not the right guy for you since this normal behavior of his makes you so unhappy.

[abby_tx]

I would give him at least until tomorrow and would then reach out with a positive message.

 

In the meantime, find ways to cope with your anxious feelings. Go for a walk, take a bath, go hit the gym. The conversation will go all that much better if you aren't in an anxious headspace when it happens.

 

If he is still feeling like you're attacking him, if he withdraws for too long or if he balks at the idea of a one on one date, you two might be incompatible.

 

 

 

He did agree to a date but was kinda irritated by me thinking out last hang out wasn't a date. I hope he comes back and apologizes

[abby_tx]

Your social outlook is opposite from his, as you already know, and no, it's not working out well. To him, being social is the norm. He is never going to want to ONLY be with you. To his mind, inviting you to share his friends and family is the ultimate compliment. He's including you in his life. That is his life. He's not about to just stop having friends and family and socializing because you do not like it. You'll either have to find someone more suitable or learn to enjoy him for who he is, a guy who likes to hang with friends and family and not just have quiet one on one time with you. Getting a bf or gf does not mean they alter the rest of their life for you, which means probably he is not the right guy for you since this normal behavior of his makes you so unhappy.

 

We have been together 4 months and it was never an issue til this last week cause there wasn't much alone time. I've dated introverts and it doesn't work for me. I like social guys with their own lives. It's attractive and gets me out of my shell. I love having stuff to do with him and hanging out with his friends. I've been going along with it and it's been working. The issue is just lately it's been so busy we didn't get the one-on-one time that I crave. I don't even need much of it but I seriously can't think when we had our last date and evidently we couldn't figure out a good way to talk about this without him being offended or thinking it's all in my head. I'm very unhappy at the way he dealt with what wasn't even a big deal. Just be like "I'll take you out on Wednesday. Sorry." Instead it turned into "this is who I am!"

[teamo]

He is still somewhat young. To me this seems he enjoys the companionship and benefits of a girlfriend but is not ready for a more serious commitment. He is still very influenced by the frat boy college party lifestyle. Maybe he will mature with the relationship, but I don't think this is the guy if you eventually want to move towards living together, marriage, kids. There's nothing thing wrong with meeting up with friends, but multiple times a week, every weekend just seems a bit much. What are you looking for in a relationship op? Right now and a year from now? You are 33, do you want to settle down and have kids? The answer to that question will determine if this relationship is viable long term. " this is who I am" screams to me, I am not ready for a more serious commitment.