Poppy47 Posted September 4, 2016 Posted September 4, 2016 I didn't want to hijack another thread, I often wonder how WH/W cope with grieving for and AP while remaining in the marriage. If they truly grieve, it must be difficult to control feelings. This question has probably been posed before but it's something to ponder. Poppy.
imsosad Posted September 4, 2016 Posted September 4, 2016 It is so,so hard to be in that position, My AP and I were NC for a year, during which I was determined to work n my marriage and work through the mountain of guilt I was feeling. I guess it makes a big difference if you disclose or not. I didn't (at that point) . In a way, it was similar to continuing the affair,because I was still living in two worlds. I tried really hard,but most of the time, my mind was elsewhere. I thought of my Ap constantly, misses him terribly and felt sad and broken. I addition, the guilt was killing me. I couldnt feel like myself. It was a really bad year.You have to put on some sort of act all the time, your demeanor is never in synch with your emotions. My stbx husband came home once to find me crying and I had to lie,again,about why. I hardly cried during this year,even though I wanted to all the to all the time. Things were better with my H, I turned my guilt in to overcompensation and he sensed I washaving a hard time and tried to be supportive. We had some good times then,but ultimately,it wasnt enough. I was inauthentic the entire time. Today I believe in most cases, disclosure is essential to recovery. I didnt think this way before, but disclosing enables you to be truely honest and maybe start over. 8
Englishman Posted September 4, 2016 Posted September 4, 2016 Hey, I'm going through this right now and it's really hard, both me and AP our married and were in a long term affair but now my AP is pregnant by husband, weve tried to remain friends just by talking which wouldbe lovely warm conversations about anything and everything but it was just to hard on my AP as after conversation she would get another rush of guilt about situation especially as she would sometimes talk about us getting back together one day often. So now she has asked me not to contact her at all which I will respect but its hard and grieving is the only word I can use to describe the feeling. I too haven't told my wife but she knows that's something wrong I've lied again and told her its depression (I suppose it is true but I haven't told her the cause) I also do love my wife and never wanted to either be in an affair or do I want the marriage to end but I truly did fall in love with two people. 1
imsosad Posted September 4, 2016 Posted September 4, 2016 Oh,Englishman,I really feel for you. It is so difficult. I too at one point felt I loved two men, which was too much of a mind game for me to contain.I could not hold that feeling,of truely wanting to be with,and loving, two people. It must be so hard on you. For me,eventually, it came to a crossroad. I had to make a choice and stick to it. It is heartbreaking to love one person and share your life with another,even if you do still live your spouse. How do you cope? I wish you the best. Hopefully, it will get better with time. 1
Author Poppy47 Posted September 4, 2016 Author Posted September 4, 2016 Thank you for your very frank replies. I am 19 weeks NC now. After 8 years, I am still grieving the loss of xMM. I don't have to be accountable to anybody else and I can be in any mood I choose. He can't and I wonder how he deals with it. Yes, I know it doesn't matter a damn any more because it's all over. We are all human beings with feelings and thoughts, no matter what wrong we have done. Poppy. 7
imsosad Posted September 4, 2016 Posted September 4, 2016 Poppy, 18 weeks is fantastic! It is understandable and even expected that you would still be struggling emotionally. Come on,8 years! I think often MOW/MOM seem to be doing better on the outside than the single OM/OW, but I suspect in many cases it's pretty much a show we need to stage to maintain our marriages. When we broke NC, my AP told me how he felt during this time and it was very similar to what Englishman and I expereienced. He too felt drained,edgy,incomplete. On the outside he was great! Just wonderful. Don't apologize for wondering how MM is feeling or what he's thinking. It's only natural you would.Yeah, it is not productive but very human. Take your time and take good care of yourself. 2
imperfectangel Posted September 4, 2016 Posted September 4, 2016 As a ow I have nothing to contribute but this thread has made me feel a little better. Thanks poppy 1
Englishman Posted September 4, 2016 Posted September 4, 2016 18 weeks NC, wow that's fantastic. I'm still trying to break 14 days !!! I really regret breaking last Nc as its now caused some friction between AP and myself for first time in 11 years. Two weeks ago we had a lovely warm conversation, not going over old ground both accepting the situation as it was, accepting that we did really love each other but our love for our families was stronger so we'd have to end relationship especially as she was pregnant, AP said something along the lines of "its inevitable that we'll start the affair again one day" I said let's not talk like that as we shouldn't make any plans for the future together and AP agreed. I should have left it at that, for a week I felt fine, everything made sense, the situation was what it was we'd managed to get out of the relationship without hurting our families, I could start to be the husband and farther i should be and want to be. But then I just went weak and sent a few text's saying I still missed her etc, which got no reply,I should have stopped then but by now all the doubts feelings of rejection, depression kicked in so I sent another text/email asking if everything was OK, to gets reply saying please don't contact me anymore i need to give 100% to my family as thats what I've decided ii need to do, thank for the past 3years (11 on and off the last 3 were very deep and emotional) but its over. So I'm now devastated... Again. So stay NC Poppy. I wish I had
Forever broken Posted September 4, 2016 Posted September 4, 2016 Good question Poppy, I always wondered about that too. Although my XMM is exceptionally cold towards me, I have wondered if he ever grieved for me while alone. But I guess I will never find out.
Grey Cloud Posted September 4, 2016 Posted September 4, 2016 My xmm was always very rational and pragmatic. After our first period of NC he told me he was ok as to him it all made sense. That the A had to end one day, his wife was suspicious so he just had to bury the past and move on. I think for the most part he could do that quite easily as he always viewed the affair for what it was - temporary and he never had a bad marriage in the first place. I think there was also some relief involved as it got harder for him to continue juggling a double, secretive life. I on the other hand have struggled so much and still am! It almost makes it harder knowing some of them can move on from it so quickly. 3
Noideanow Posted September 4, 2016 Posted September 4, 2016 18 weeks NC, wow that's fantastic. I'm still trying to break 14 days !!! I really regret breaking last Nc as its now caused some friction between AP and myself for first time in 11 years. Two weeks ago we had a lovely warm conversation, not going over old ground both accepting the situation as it was, accepting that we did really love each other but our love for our families was stronger so we'd have to end relationship especially as she was pregnant, AP said something along the lines of "its inevitable that we'll start the affair again one day" I said let's not talk like that as we shouldn't make any plans for the future together and AP agreed. I should have left it at that, for a week I felt fine, everything made sense, the situation was what it was we'd managed to get out of the relationship without hurting our families, I could start to be the husband and farther i should be and want to be. But then I just went weak and sent a few text's saying I still missed her etc, which got no reply,I should have stopped then but by now all the doubts feelings of rejection, depression kicked in so I sent another text/email asking if everything was OK, to gets reply saying please don't contact me anymore i need to give 100% to my family as thats what I've decided ii need to do, thank for the past 3years (11 on and off the last 3 were very deep and emotional) but its over. So I'm now devastated... Again. So stay NC Poppy. I wish I had thats one of the saddest stories i have heard of, makes the optimistic me for a second regret going to read here today:( so sad i now need to read or just see a couple af people making it.. but I guess you both want it that way it seems, and where there is no will there is no way// still i can relate to the fact that you are probably controlled by fear? why accept this suffering? i guess it will only get worse in time or maybe feelings will numb and it will be difficult to feel anything:confused: 1
MidnightBlue1980 Posted September 4, 2016 Posted September 4, 2016 I didn't want to hijack another thread, I often wonder how WH/W cope with grieving for and AP while remaining in the marriage. If they truly grieve, it must be difficult to control feelings. This question has probably been posed before but it's something to ponder. Poppy. Hi Poppy. I'm sure you saw my posts in that other thread so I'm not going to repeat it all here. Yes, I saw my H grieve for the OW and he saw me grieve for xMM. It took me much, much longer to feel better. H was over his A in about 2 weeks. His was more of an EA than mine but it was intense, same duration. So I *knew* by looking at my H, that xMM was over me in a short time as well and I was alone in all this heartache. I couldn't imagine going through all I went through without my H knowing. It was hard enough to act normal at work and outside events. I was so broken, panic attacks, depression, etc. There was no way I could have hid it all. He knew everything. Today we are closer than ever from the experience. I understand a lot of posters do not understand how that is possible but our marriage is stronger and very different from what is was before the A. 4
immokk Posted September 4, 2016 Posted September 4, 2016 I think it would depend on how much 'honesty' there actually was. If the MM genuinely saw it as just sex or no more than an affair the whole time, I suspect getting over it is much easier. In Midnight's case, I don't want to be contradictory as she has lived it, I'm an OW so have no idea how the MM/MW feel but I think in many cases, in all of life's relationships, men just deal with things very VERY differently emotionally. I genuinely find the emotionally/ mental differences between women and men fascinating and have done a lot of reading on it. The general consensus is that men simply compartmentalize (this is a VERY general rule, not all men and not all women are the same and, of course, there will be degrees of each) and don't deal with it. They shut it away. Women are largely (again, not always) not very good at this. So we are forced to deal with the pain immediately. And it takes us time, but we do. For a lot of men, emotional angst can become a bit, well, repressed, for want of a better term because they shut it off. In my experience men, in general, feel things further down the line. But in the case of the affair, I think it must surely be so dependent on the person themselves and the nature of the affair. The intensity, the length, the depth of feeling (because it may not be love as people consider it but it is something and this something is addictive and intense). Just my two cents. 8
ladydesigner Posted September 4, 2016 Posted September 4, 2016 I grieved my xOM alone and with LS and the help of one friend I knew. It took me a while but it was NEVER something I felt like I should share with my BS who is also my WH. I would not tolerate my WH's grief over MOW (if he even had it). His indescision on picking led me to limbo. I think this kind of grief needs therapy not the BS, although there are some who do want to hear it (there is a thread on infidelity forum that is discussing this topic of how long do you let your WS grieve). To me after all of my processing of my WH's A any additional info only led to my resentment of him. 2
BeingStrong Posted September 4, 2016 Posted September 4, 2016 Oh,Englishman,I really feel for you. It is so difficult. I too at one point felt I loved two men, which was too much of a mind game for me to contain.I could not hold that feeling,of truely wanting to be with,and loving, two people. It must be so hard on you. For me,eventually, it came to a crossroad. I had to make a choice and stick to it. It is heartbreaking to love one person and share your life with another,even if you do still live your spouse. How do you cope? I wish you the best. Hopefully, it will get better with time. I agree with you! I was in love with 2 men and it was so hard to make that decision and stick with it. I told him to go may it work with his wife because his children needed him. I believe I hurt him very badly. I have only received one text from him since on mothers day. 6 months later and I am still grieving heavily. I've seen a recent picture of him and he looks terrible. I don't wish this situation on anyone.
Rikki67 Posted September 4, 2016 Posted September 4, 2016 (edited) Poppy 47, 19 weeks is amazing. I am at week 2. Not very long I wonder the same thing. How is he when he is with his family? I believe my xMM grieves our relationship. He is not that cold hearted. The last time we broke it off, about a year ago, he came to my house one day to drop something off, he looked terrible. And even tho I haven`t seen him up close those past 2 weeks, I would think he looks and feels like hell this time around as well. Why is it, that we still worry about them? Wonder if they feel like crap, too? Knowing my xMM he will put on a brave, happy face, and fake it with his Wife and especially his grown kids, as good as he can. He has no choice now that he decided to give his marriage a go again. Personally, I hope he feels like hell. Edited September 4, 2016 by Rikki67 adding 1
Daisy2013 Posted September 4, 2016 Posted September 4, 2016 I took extra bubble baths so I could cry. Went to bed earlier so I could cry. Tried to zone out and push my pain down. I was more cranky towards my H, but our M so bad it didn't matter anyway. We don't really talk or have common interests, so it wasn't like staying to myself or keeping quiet was any different than usual. 1
BluesPower Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 I just wonder, where you are at with everything? How are you doing? How is the marriage? Where are you headed with all this?
MidnightBlue1980 Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 I just wonder, where you are at with everything? How are you doing? How is the marriage? Where are you headed with all this? Poppy is single and in NC.
Adoraxx Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 I've cried so so so much... Sometimes H has seen me cry, other times he hasn't. Most of the time he is at work anyway. He knows that I'm sad about losing the 'friendship' with xMM but he doesn't know it was more than that. H had multiple affairs himself, although they were emotional ones. H and I never had a good marriage to begin with. No sex life whatsoever and I'm glad about that because thinking about having sex with him makes me feel sick (sorry about that but it's true). 1
Author Poppy47 Posted September 5, 2016 Author Posted September 5, 2016 I just wonder, where you are at with everything? How are you doing? How is the marriage? Where are you headed with all this? Blues, I am widowed. Hopefully , being NC for 5 months now, I am headed for a saner, healthier life. After 8 years with xMM I need to put my life together again. Everything has been affected by the A.... work, family, friends. I looked around and my whole world was a train wreck. I am determined to rebuild a solid life, make new friends, pick up the threads of work, make amends to family. When my husband died, I was in the worst place ever. I was in desperate need of company and comfort. Unfortunately the wrong person came along. I do not blame myself for the beginning of the A. xMM must have known he had discovered a babe in the woods. However, I let it go on too long because I was afraid beginning again. Now I have recovered my confidence and life looks more hopeful. Poppy. 8
BluesPower Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 You sound like you are getting better. I am just so sorry for everything that has happened. Wow, that situation is just rough all the way around. You really should really be proud of yourself for coming this far. 2
LimeBlue Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 This has been my reality for nearly 9 years. I met the most wonderful man and I stayed in my marriage as I honestly had to because my elderly grandmother was living with me and my husband. And the house was (still is) 100% in my husbands name, and had I left my marriage my 87 year old gran would have been homeless. I could not do that to her as I was the only person she had. Not to mention the stress it would have put her through. She passed away 4 months later, but at the time I did not know she was going to pass away because she was fit and healthy. So I stayed in my marriage and have thought of my other man every day ever since. I knew him for 10 years prior to the spark happening, he certainly was not just an affair to me. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him but he got fed up waiting. So he shut me out, and he moved on. I wish I could talk to him, we have one another on WhatsApp, but i am far too scared to reach out for fear that he hates me to the core. I will live with the regret of not leaving for the rest of my life, but in the same breath I do not regret keeping my grandmother protected in her final days. 2
Birdies Posted September 6, 2016 Posted September 6, 2016 It would be very, very difficult. My plan (as a wayward wife) was always to end the affair and not tell my husband and just get over it. It would have been heartbreaking... I was truly in love with my AP, while still loving my husband very much although doubting whether I was still "in love" with him. However, my affair blew up publicly and I'm now divorced (somewhat amicably) and more or less dating my AP. While this has been incredibly hard, I am also grateful that I didn't have to get over my AP either in secret or with my husband's knowledge. 1
Birdies Posted September 6, 2016 Posted September 6, 2016 (^^^^ Obviously there's a LOT more to this story, including overwhelming guilt and heartbreak for hurting my spouse, and gratitude to him for being quite gracious, more gracious than I deserve, throughout this whole process. I don't mean my above response to sound callous - it was purely a response to the question at hand.)
Recommended Posts