Dueces Posted July 13, 2005 Posted July 13, 2005 Blind folded: Yes, if no children were involved, I would be with him now and get a divorce. If your MW has no children, what ties does she say are keeping her with her husband?
Dueces Posted July 14, 2005 Posted July 14, 2005 Originally posted by Deep Blue I just finished talking to my MW. It didn't go very well. I told my MW that I loved her dearly. That she was the girl of my dreams, and that I really hoped that we could have a special love between us that would last a lifetime. I told her that I wanted a real relationship, and to be with her exclusively. It wasn't what I inteded to say, but deep down in my heart it's what I really wanted to say. When she told me it couldn't be that way, I felt crushed. Through tear filled eyes I told her it was over, as I couldn't live like this any longer. The pain was becoming too great. I asked her not to contact me except for work purposes, and to keep it to the point and with as little interaction as possible. I guess I'm in day 1 of no contact. sigh... Deep Blue: How are you doing? You are going through a very hard time no doubt. You may even backslide, but just hang in there and do what is best for you.
pacificdove Posted July 15, 2005 Posted July 15, 2005 Dueces, When I read your reasoning, it was as if my mm was answering to my question. Today, it's been 2 weeks since I haven't spoken to him. He lives very far in another state so he visited me for a week after we last saw each other in Feb. this year. I've been distancing myself trying to let go little by little, one step at a time. Not seeing him would help I thought but because in the past we constantly stayed in touch through IM's. it was difficult to actually do the 'cut'. In my case, I didn't meet him as a married man. The situation was reversed. I was married and he was single. We are both at mature age. He in mid 50's and I in late 40's. I was married for 22 yrs but unhappily due to infidelity of my husband (although never caught him with her, knew of and spoke to his 'girlfriend'). In the beginning, I tried to fool myself we were just casual friend. Of all places, we met at McDonald's during early lunch hour. Then, I lived in the same state. This saga began about 4 years ago. I was working for a private firm close by. He was working at the hospital just up the hill from my office. We connected from the moment we laid eyes on each other. I loved the feeling of acceptance and the attention he gave. Simply started over him wanting to know the 'time'. He wasn't wearing his watch and I happen to be sitting a table across from him. Our relationship started to become one that could be trusted. I have never been disloyal or unfaithful to my husband whom I married as a virgin. I was very adamant about being faithful. Anyway this became apparent to me that I can no longer be the wife I was. My kids are still young and while 1 was away in college, I had 2 still living with me in Middle school and High School. He had none living with him. He was done with responsibility. He too was married for 22 years and had divorced 7 years prior. He told me when we first met that he was in a "relationship" but oh...nothing of any commitment type, only the usual 'need' among mature adults. No love, and no commitment. I believed him. 3 Mos after we've been seeing each other daily for lunch (that was the most I could do), one rainy day in the afternoon, after lunch, we went to his home not far from work and became intimate. I was so shocked that I was capable to do this and felt extreme guilt towards my husband who was so in love with his lady that he couldn't even 'see' my pain nor acknowledged me. He was home but only physically not emotionally nor mentally. I have been deceived more than 3-4 x that I can remember. I left so quickly and didn't go back to work but instead went home. I showered, then preoccupied myself by scrubbing my floors intensely. When my kids and husband came home, he was wondering why on earth I was doing that during the week-day. I just needed to deal with myself. Although my husband was spaced out, he never mis-treated me in anyway . He did love me. (just never understood how you can love and hurt them too). I too loved him but I had so much pain and anger, I wanted to feel I am desirable too. So, I didn't spend lunches with him for 1 week after that afternoon episode. When he called me after I was avoiding his call the 1st. couple days, I told him that I needed some time. I couldn't accept my behavior so I told him I will call him and assured him it was not about HIM. Well. I did call him after that weekend was over and truly was eager to 'see' him. I missed his company, his love, his attention. I married young at 23 and didn't date except when I met my husband as a blind date at 18 during high school senior prom. Anyway, 6 mos into our 'relationship', I started to notice that the 'friend' my lover was seeing was more than what it should be. I drop by his house at evenings and find her laundry hanging around the hanger in bathrooms and door jams to dry. "oh, she is always working and doesn't have a washer at her house so I am helping her" was his excuses. Naive me, I believed everything or maybe that is what I wanted to believe so much that I was actually buying it. Then one weekend, I went to the mall with my youngest girl to eat at nearby food court when I spotted him with the 'friend'. He looked as if he just woke up and freshened up and came in to have lunch with her. She looked about my age too. She was petite Asian. He sat and was eating with her distant away and didn't notice that I was near by watching and observing. Later I saw her reach for his drink, drank from it, walked to the counter for refill and brought it back to him, handing it to him, cleaning after him after he finished his meals as he was getting up. He saw me, whisper something to her, she walks outside and he walks over to me to say 'hello'. Acted casual. I was puzzled and didn't know what to do. They got bored and thought they will go watch a movie he said and left. That night I sent him a message and asked about what was REALLY going on? The following day, Monday, he called as usual and we met for lunch. He acted very stern, ready to attack. So the words were, "You are married, if you were single, I would stick to you like glue. I am so attracted to you and I love you very much but I am in the military and I can get in a lot of trouble." In contrary to my inquires about that very issue months prior, which he said personal lives were of no ones business, now he is saying the very fact is forbidden ? So he proceed to lecture me that I should be single if I want to get involved and that he was walking away from me and then he said men had needs and she was just that. It was a mutual arrangement and "No, I don't think I am in love with HER". OK, so 2 mos after this I was DIVORCED !! What transpired between that Monday and 3rd week of March was all his dances about how strong I am to carry this out and how much he 'adored' me for the courage and blah..blah... After the divorce, my ex-husband had to be literally kicked out of our home because my boyfriend couldn't understand why he was still home and not accepting the divorce. He then indirectly pressured me about breaking clean with my ex. So, one evening I kick out my ex. He got emotional, my girls were shocked and angry with me. My ex had no place to go so he got his clothes packed in large lawn bags, carried to his truck and spent the night at his warehouse office, on top of his table. Then, the whole DRAMA began. My ex followed me without my knowledge because he suspected that there must be another man involved and sure enough, while my boyfriend and I were having lunch, talking about how we should now get married so we can 'show' everybody how serious we are , my ex walked in with that look to kill and I had to introduce them, but felt uneasy because I still cared about my ex-husband and quite frankly didn't want to be mean, got up and walked my ex out to ask him what he wanted. He sped off, like he wanted to kill himself. My boyfriend was starting to constantly complain about how I am not putting my foot down, my weakness in him, my kids, how they are not welcoming him enough to have him invited. All I wanted was patience and time to settle the dust. I didn't want to re-marry that quick. The ink on the divorce papers weren't even dry yet! To make matters worse, my ex became violent and called on my boyfriend's mutual military friend while drunk and threatened to have him killed. He actually came over one evening to my boyfriends house after calling him on the phone weeks prior impersonating himself to be the local police to scare this man, and lost himself. Broke windows to get in, yelled and screamed at him calling him all the language in the book, littilerly scared us both out of our bed during our intimate moment, and the neighbors called on the police. Well, months of whirlwind began, from jail to complaints filed by him (not me) because I couldn't put him through this . I still had a soft spot and that broke my boyfriends trust with me because I didn't stand up for him. (so he said) So....to shorten this, 2 mos after this nasty evening storm, he LEFT ME. 1 week after he gave me the keys to his house, asking me to work on commitment with him for the future, despite I didn't want to pursue the legal action against my ex but the law required him to stand accountable being a domestic violence case and the Military barred him from military compound to protect their "officer". My boyfriend RAN away from me faster than the wind. After we had our argument because I didn't want him to continue with the court case of my ex. I was merely trying to let it die so my kids won't be on the worse side of my boyfriend. Maybe I was wrong, I don't know. He started to tell me it was all MY fault, I was too weak and poisoned by my ex's husband's 'control'. He won't tolerate this behavior and he can't see himself being happy with me with my kids hating him forever to blame about what is happening to their father etc.. Then before the evening was over, he ran back to his 'friend'. The "friend" he left so he could be with me. (Time gap between when he left her and came back to her was 4 mos) 6 mos after leaving me, he married this "friend". 1 week before this 'marriage', he was in my home, in my bed telling me how much he still loved me ...but..... 3 weeks after he left me, we had lunch because he kept in touch with me by phone at least 1-2x a week. Giving me mixed signals that maybe he wanted me back but was feeling the waters for safety. 4 mos after he left me, we went on a trip together and he visited some members of the family, took me and introduced me as a friend, and spent our first Thanksgiving with his family. All this time, I thought he was trying to 'test' the situation to see if things will be OK. I thought this was a window of opportunity to reconcile. I was fooling myself. 1 week before wedding after making love to me in my bed, that very Monday he calls for lunch and then, BANG, "I will have to get married very quickly because...she needs my hospital care at my facility for an emergency operation and we have to be married for her to enjoy my benefits". (she had one, a minor one !)
pacificdove Posted July 15, 2005 Posted July 15, 2005 TO THOSE WHO WANT TO READ MY FULL STORY, PLEASE SEE THREAD "[ b]SUFFERING 4 YEARS AFTER HE RAN TO MARRY ANOTHER/AFTER I DIVORCED TO BE WITH HIM."[/b]
Author Deep Blue Posted July 15, 2005 Author Posted July 15, 2005 Hi everyone. It's been a difficult few days, but I'm still hanging on as best I can. I took a few days off from work, because I just can't concentrate, and I don't want her to see me in this state. Instead, I've just taken things easy, and during the periods when I have some clarity and my eyes are not wet, I do simple mindless things like watering the grass, going for walks, etc. sigh... I miss my MW terribly. I miss all the beautiful moments I had with her. Sometimes I just want to run into her arms, and just accept whatever love she gives me. Dueces, you're right that I feel like sliding back, starting to think that even crumbs are better than nothing. I keep telling myself that this will pass, and things will get better in the future. But I'm having a hard time believe it. I've had several days of no contact, but it's been easier since I've been away from work. I'm dreading going back on Monday. I don't want her to see me like this. I'm afraid that when I see her I may slide back, then she'll know she'll be able to get away will giving me crumbs, and that I'll just accept that. I keep telling myself that I deserve more, that I deserve better. But right now, all I can think of is her...
westernxer Posted July 15, 2005 Posted July 15, 2005 When you see her on Monday, you probably will slide.
Author Deep Blue Posted July 15, 2005 Author Posted July 15, 2005 Originally posted by westernxer When you see her on Monday, you probably will slide. Your message made me a bit mad... but I'll take that on as a challenge! Monday morning I'll head in there, and I won't let her mess with my head. I'll present the image of stone to her... unmoving, uncaring. If I can survive Monday without sliding, then I know the next day will be that much easier. I can do this.
westernxer Posted July 15, 2005 Posted July 15, 2005 Originally posted by Deep Blue I'll present the image of stone to her... unmoving, uncaring. They don't call it survival mode for nothing...
Dueces Posted July 17, 2005 Posted July 17, 2005 Originally posted by pacificdove Dueces, When I read your reasoning, it was as if my mm was answering to my question. pacificdove, you have really been on a roller coaster ride. You have gotten the rough end of the deal. I cannot believe he married another woman but claims his love for you. But I still believe you can love more than one person and he seems to love both of you. But for some reason he was afraid to make a commitment to you. You made the right choice by leaving the state and trying to start over.
Dueces Posted July 18, 2005 Posted July 18, 2005 Originally posted by Deep Blue I think, like your ex-lover, I'm also partially guilty of using no-contact as a way to try and influence my MW. Deep Blue: My ex lover finally answered a 2 week old email. I told him the no contact was not working for me but I assumed it was working from him. The no contact went on for 3 weeks. He said it wasn't working for him either. He has been working 12 to 16 hr days including weekends to keep his mind off things. So we met today for lunch to discuss if we would continue the no contact or have a limited plutonic relationship. He asked me.."are you still married?", knowing the answer, but I guess hoping I left my husband. He said it was my decision on what kind of relationship we would have because as long as I am married, we will not have an affair and that he preferred we have lunch even if it was only twice a year. He wants to keep in contact with emails, too. I know I should have said no contact. but after not seeing him for 21 years, I don't want to lose contact with him. He said what he really wanted to do was take me with him and you know, but as long as I am married, he will not. I barely got a hug from him and a quick kiss on the check as left me. He said he can't even touch me because he knows that any passion can get us in trouble. When we first met at lunch, we did the normal chit chat. He asked me about a mutual friend. I told him that I just saw him (the friend). I told him the mutual friend has planned a night out to celebrate his birthday. My Ex-love asked me when and where. So I told him and he said he may show up. So is he still trying to keep the door open hoping that I still leave my husband? I need your point of view. I know you have alot going on in your head with tomorrow being the first day that you are going to try to stop your situation.
RecordProducer Posted July 18, 2005 Posted July 18, 2005 I didn't read the whole thread, but I more or less figured what it's about. Was just wondering how it feels to sleep with a spouse and someone else at the same time. I mean do you at least not sleep with both of them in the same day? Do you feel excited or guilty?
blind folded Posted July 19, 2005 Posted July 19, 2005 Deep blue, and Dueces.. I wait anxiously to turn the page and see what happens next in your lives. Personally, I am just carrying on as usual,.. the om... hoping, waiting, dreaming...
Dueces Posted July 19, 2005 Posted July 19, 2005 Originally posted by RecordProducer I didn't read the whole thread, but I more or less figured what it's about. Was just wondering how it feels to sleep with a spouse and someone else at the same time. I mean do you at least not sleep with both of them in the same day? Do you feel excited or guilty? Never thought about. I guess you feel a little guilty. Never slept with both on the same day.
pacificdove Posted July 23, 2005 Posted July 23, 2005 Deep blue, How are you doing so far... How are you copying with your situation? Haven't seen you post so I am worried about you! hang in here!
sunflower1008 Posted July 23, 2005 Posted July 23, 2005 Deep Blue, I read with interest your whole thread and I feel for you. I hope things worked out well for you when you went back to work and you remained strong. Let us know how things went.
floatinglotus Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 Deep Blue, How are things going? Are you still visiting this board? I don't visit as often now simply because I feel I am finally moving on and sometimes I find visiting here reminds me of all the pain. Maybe you feel the same way? Anyway, I do hope you'll come again soon just to let us all know how you are. Take care, FL
Recommended Posts