Such a tangled mess... Wound so tightly, how to break free?

[Deep Blue]

My situation is really a tangled mess. Yet it all started so innocently... Here is my story. About two years ago, I was working with a MW on a project that involved us working together closely. From the long hours we would work together, I guess it felt so natural to become closer to her and start talking about personal things, and I was totally oblivious to the danger that lurked.

 

Our first touch. Our first kiss. The smile on her face, and her bright blue eyes. Although already almost two years ago, I still remember the moments as if it was only yesterday. Although at work she would be strong, but when we were alone together, she would show me her vulnerability; her humanity. It seemed so right and natural to fall in love... We were intimate numerous times. Every time, I would fall deeper and deeper in love. Every time I was with her, it was a beautiful expression of my love for her. I would think about her night and day. Although I knew she was with her husband most of the time, somehow I felt that our love was special, and somehow made up for it. One time last summer, her husband had gone away on a business trip. We spent the day and night together. On that day, it felt like we were a couple. A real couple, and didn't have to hide. It was a taste of what it would be like if we were together. Was was I expecting? I guess I thought that things would change in such a way that we would be together forever. Every time I looked in her eyes, I could see a bright future with her.

 

But then things changed.

 

Last fall, she dropped a bomb shell on me. She told me that she wanted to have a baby with her husband. I was crushed. Felt sick to my stomach. But I put on a brave face, acting like all was good in the world, when all I wanted to do was crawl into a dark hole. I was ready to leave then. By all accounts, I should have. When she saw I was ready to go, she cried and cried. She asked me not to become a stranger, to stay very close friends. My veneer of strength broke, and I cried too. Although she was adamant about staying with her husband and trying to have a baby, I felt she did love me on some level. And so we began integrating into each others lives life in other ways. In "legitimate" ways, as she would call them. And so the web of deceit began to grow. As a start, she invited me for dinner at her place. Since we had worked on the same project for quite some time, it made some sense that she would introduce her co-worker to her husband.

 

Not wanting to come alone into the lion's den, I asked my sister if she would come along too. My sister had recently come out of a difficult relationship of her own, so it made sense to bring her along too. I was scared to death of meeting her husband face to face, but since I wanted to keep my MW in my life (at least in some form), so I gritted my teeth and made the best of it. I loved my MW very much, but little did I know this love was turning into an addiction... The dinner went surprisingly well. Her husband was very nice to us; in fact, I started to like him quite a bit. We ate, we drank, we laughed. For a while I even forgot that I was in this completely deranged family setting. When her husband found out that I was an avid tennis player like him, he invited me to play a few matches in his club. I accepted, not really knowing how to refuse. Later that night, when back home, I couldn't sleep. I was assailed by a whole series of strong emotions. First guilt. What had I done with this husband's wife? Then jealousy... thinking that I should be her husband, not him!. Then terrible grief... It was all too much, and the next day I didn't go to work, not wanting to see my MW. I wasn't in much of a state to do anything at all.

 

After the initial shock, somehow things settled in. Since I hadn't been intimate with my MW for a while, I thought everything was alright, and that I was still keeping a great friendship. But all this time, I was still flirting with my MW, and essentially carrying on an emotional affair. I played tennis with her husband, pretending he was my good friend instead of my MW's husband. My MW went shopping with my sister, and all was good. Or, so I desperately wanted to believe... Over the months, I began to like my MW's husband more and more. Although he has some bad points, but he's not a bad guy. And so I distanced myself from my MW, and began to move on. In the spring, there was a new girl who worked in my company (single!), and so I began talking to her, and even asked her out for a coffee. But when my MW found out, she became incredibly jealous.

 

Somehow, I got completely wrapped back into my MW, and we started loving each other all over again. We began sleeping together again, more intensely than ever. Although it really felt like love, maybe it wasn't? Perhaps it was more like feeding an addiction. But I was also in a lot of pain... overcome with jealousy about her husband, grief because of my friendship with him. Often, I would even tell my MW that I wanted to have a baby with her, and that her baby should be with me, not with him. Now that I read my own words that I'm writing, this seems so wrong.

 

And so, here I am. Completely tangled in a web, where I don't know how to break free. I know this is all so wrong, but I really don't know what to do about it. I work with my MW, and I really need to keep my job, so quitting is not an option. The company is small, so I can't even change offices, or change my hours.

 

As for the husband, I never should have involved myself directly in her family like that. At the time, I was just trying to be (and stay) friends, so it seemed like a reasonable thing to do. I still seem him fairly often, as we play tennis and do other activities. Sometimes I just want to tell him everything that is going on. But part of me wonders if this isn't for selfish reasons, because I am also quite jealous of him, and them breaking up would make her free to see me...

 

Which brings me to my MW. I am so madly in love with her. Or addicted, I don't know which anymore. The thought of not having her in my life anymore... almost inconceivable.

 

Wound so tightly. Such a mess. Please help. How to break free?

[LucreziaBorgia]

The affair will not end unless you really want it to - your freedom from this lies entirely in your will and determination to be free of it. It sounds like you are hoping to keep the affair going - but on the off chance you are really and truly wanting it to end so that you can break free:

 

Well, it would be so much easier if you could just pack your stuff into a U-Haul and disappear on her with no forwarding address or way for her to reach you, but since you can't - you have two options: emotional 'no contact' and/or exposing the affair. Completely. Exposing it will be like an atomic bomb, leveling everything in its path and poisoning every single aspect of your lives that were connected with it in some way - but... it will without a doubt end your affair. You can try the emotional 'no contact' first, and see if that douses the affair. If not, then it will be time to drop the bomb in order to break this cycle.

 

Unless the two of you discreetly agree to end the affair, and then DO IT and stick to the ending - you are stuck. If you want to end it, and she doesn't - then you are hosed because you may not have the strength to put the emotional 'no contact' between you that is necessary to end the affair while still having to see her on a daily basis.

 

If you have the strength you can try the emotional 'no contact' while you are fighting to get control back over your heart. Tell her the affair is over with no discussion, and then take the following steps:

 

1. When you are with her, if she mentions ANYTHING outside of professional work concerns or voices those professional concerns in a less than professional way then end the conversation and physically walk away. Refuse to speak to her at all unless it has to do directly with work, and only if she uses a professional manner. If she causes a scene, express your concerns with HR.

2. Do not associate with her outside of work: including phone calls, text messages, emails, etc. If she sends you a letter, mark it 'return to sender' and drop it back into the mail. Delete all other forms of contact unopened. Do not see her. Do not see her H. If he wants to see you, make excuses not to.

3. Do not allow her to touch you in any way, shape or form: affectionately or not. Make a wide swath of personal space around you and do not let her get into it. No less than five feet.

4. Do not let her speak to you about your 'relationship' in any way, shape or form. If she insists, remind her that the affair is over. PERIOD.

5. Avoid eye contact. Do not touch her. Keep your voice flat, your replies clipped, and make it clear that you have no time for her outside of the day-to-day parts of work.

 

If she takes drastic measures, you will have to also. If it starts getting ridiculous, then expose the affair to her H. This will take every ounce of strength you have - but you will need to tell him what is going on.

 

I know that you are hoping that she will end up with you, but don't count on her being 'freed up' to see you after this. I expect what you will get is to hear about how she is 'fighting for her marriage' while she has you cooling your heels on some 'no contact' of her own. She has only her own best interests in mind: and that includes keeping her marriage intact. Otherwise, she'd have left him instead of expressing an interest in starting a family (and thus pretty much cementing her future with him).

[newbby]

deep blue,

you are right, it is an addiction.

i dont think coming clean is a good idea, its up to her to do that, no matter how friendly you are with the guy. she wont though.

she is addicted too, i believe.

however, the situation is not so detrimental to her as it is you, she has alot to fall back on.

she will get jealous of you being with other women, but she has no right to, and if she makes a scene bring that up.

i know how it feels, i am at the moment being friends with my mm. difficult.

[Deep Blue]

Lucrezia, you've really got me thinking. You're right that part of me doesn't want the affair to end. But it's not really the affair that I'd want to keep, it's the love and hope that one day we may end up in a real relationship that is both beautiful and lasting. But I know it's only wishful thinking, since as you stated, she's cemented her future with him by declaring and trying to start a family. I really do want this madness to end, if only to regain balance in my life and in my heart.

 

I don't think I would be able (or want) to drop the bomb and tell her husband about the affair, although the point is taken that I am unable to detach myself emotionally from her, it may be the only sure way of ending things and breaking the cycle. Newbby does have the good point that it's not really my place to do so, even though I'm right in the middle of it. Let's try and see what we can do first by creating some emotional distance.

 

Here are my thoughts of how to start. Tonight, I intend to start letting her go in my heart. Although difficult, I'm going to collect all the little things she's given me over the last two years. The pictures, the letters, etc. And I'll throw them all in the trash. At least by doing so, she won't have a physical presence in my apartment anymore.

 

I just wish it were as easy as it sounds... Those years worth of time is not easy to throw away, even though I recognize that a lot of it was wishful thinking about the future on my part.

[BoatingBabe]

Deep, I feel for you, wish I had words of advice...but I don't...I just wish you find some way to work through it...

[Deep Blue]

Well, I finally took the first step. A baby step, but still a step in the right direction. Yesterday night I collected all the items that she had given me over the last few months, and threw them out. It was difficult, and I have these mixed feelings. Although I feel empowered because I finally did something, I also feel like cr*p. Because in those items I can sense she really did love me, although I know she could never be there for me in the way I want.

[Dueces]

Deep Blue, I feel for you. I am or was until 2 weeks ago having an emotional affair that was just on the brink of becoming sexual. We had a night planned to spend together and he backed out because I am the MW. We have not had any contact since, and the withdrawals I feel are so strong. I want to see him so badly.

 

You see, we had a sexual affair 21 years ago while I was separated from my husband whom I have been married to for 26 years now. When I found out he was in town, I contacted him via email. He responded and called me and asked me to lunch to a very fancy restaurant. When I saw him, all the love I harbored for him for 21 years just came to the surface. We caught up on the last 21 years and talked about being friends. We also found out that we are in the same exact line of work and that we both moved back to our home town the same month. He never married but was engaged a few times and he has no children. But during the lunch, he revealed that I was his 1st greatest love of his life and he has had 2 others since. He also revealed later that the reason he left town so abruptly was because he couldn't handle the emotions of being in love with a MW who would not leave her husband. Back then I had a 4 year old.

 

It didn't take long and we have been fighting the sexual affair for 5 months and almost lost. We have been very intimate with each other on several occasions. Fortunately, he is a smart person and told me he doesn't want to ruin my life and my family as I now have a 10 year old child along with my 25 year old child which are both with my husband. He has just moved 50 miles away and started a new job. So hopefully he will stay strong and keep me in check by no contact. If you could be like him, you may be able to end it. I am trying the best I can. It's hard when you love them. I never had another affair and never wanted to until he came back into my life. I hope that you and I can be very strong. Good Luck to you.

[Deep Blue]

Dueces, thank you kindly for your reply and telling me your story. Although our positions are reversed, our situations are similar. I can sense the deep love and attachment you have to this man, and I feel for you. He must have cared for you a lot to give you up, when you were he first real love. No matter what can or cannot be in this world, I am sure that he loves you a great deal. The best way to return that love, is to accept his wishes, unless you find yourself free and could be with him.

 

As for my dreadful tale... Although my detachment from my MW has thus far been one-sided, but nonetheless I am feeling such strong withdrawal symptoms. I love my MW, and as I cannot be first in her life, it saddens me a great deal.

 

Very shortly I intend to speak to her about having a separation of sorts, and initiate a no contact except for those things specifically related to our work. If I cannot be first in her life, it is the only thing I can do to grieve and heal. I do not see myself being friends with her, as it would pain me to hear about her starting a family with her husband, and would only be a reminder that I am always less than someone else in her life. sigh...

 

Just today, I had another reminder of the loss that I felt. I found out today that a woman that I used to date is has just gotten married this weekend. Although this other woman is no longer in my life and had not been for quite some time, but the love I had for her was real. I guess it saddened me to hear of another woman whom I onced loved, with whom I will never have a future.

 

Oddly enough, the first person I wanted to talk to when hearing about this was my MW. I guess she was a lot more than my lover. She was also my good friend, and we would always talk openly about such things. I feel her loss deeply because she was many things to me: my co-worker, my friend, my lover, and the woman of my dreams.

[blind folded]

deep blue,

 

 

your story sounds familiar. i am absolutely in love with my MW and it's... very hard. i have been an emotional wreck for the last year. she told me once that she had thought about leaving her husband for me... in the fall of 2003, and i have hung on to that so tightly... but i don't think she has ever thought about it again. things between us have gone badly because i am so obsessed with her, i get upset... and i suppose this doesn't come across as attractive.

 

my biggest problem is that i *know* if I am ever to be with another woman, i would always think about her. and i don't want to do that, i don't want to settle for less than my dream girl... i can't imagine what you are going through, destroying pictures and memories.

 

recently i visited her, we were down by the water but i couldn't just enjoy the moment... i brought up things about how i wanted to be her husband, how i wanted to spend my life with her. she got upset, told me that she wouldn't break up with me but why do i want to do this to her... and thought that maybe for my own happiness that i should just walk away. so i did...

 

and i hoped that she would follow. but she didn't. of course, i am weak so i called her mobile from my hotel room. i cried and told her how much i loved her. she told me she had thought i broke up with her... she wasn't crying... i saw her the next day before i left town. we kissed...

 

these things are difficult.

[Deep Blue]

blind folded. I'm really glad you posted, as we have so much in common!! I feel much the same way about my MW. She is my dream girl. I've told her on occasion that I wanted to be her husband. Her reaction was different though; she would dream with me, and we would sometimes talk about what it would be like if we were married, imagining all the beautiful things we would do together. It was great to dream with her like that for a while, but ultimately I was crushed just the same.

 

Like you, sometimes I would get upset at her when she wasn't returning my love, and I would walk away for a while, only to be weak and call her up again. She knew that I was hooked, as I was deeply in love with her while her feelings would often shift and was not always clear. My always coming back to her made me lose credibility, and she knew she had me under her thumb. This wasn't really what I had in mind when I first starting loving her, but it became that way.

 

Even after she declared that she would only be with her husband and have a family with him, the old pattern with my MW remained. The pattern was cyclical: I would see her and feel great with the love she was giving me. I would want more than what she could provide, she would pull away, and I would feel terrible. Then after a while, she would come back to me, and the cycle repeated. I was an emotional wreck for more than a year. Although it took a long time, but when I finally recognized that it seemed more like an addicition than love, I knew that it had to stop. So, I grabbed what was left of my diginity, started writing on this board, and began the separation process in my heart.

 

But the stopping has been very difficult. Yes, I've thrown away the many items that reminded me of her. But she is still very much present in my thoughts and in my heart. I dream about her at night, and think about her all day, every day. I have yet to speak to her about my intentions and actually end things though. I guess I'm dragging things out in the hope that things will miraculously change at the last minute, that she will become madly in love with me, and spend the rest of her life with me. But I know I'm deluding myself.

 

It's only a matter of time before I have to do what I am not yet ready to. sigh...

[Deep Blue]

I just finished talking to my MW. It didn't go very well.

 

I told my MW that I loved her dearly. That she was the girl of my dreams, and that I really hoped that we could have a special love between us that would last a lifetime. I told her that I wanted a real relationship, and to be with her exclusively. It wasn't what I inteded to say, but deep down in my heart it's what I really wanted to say.

 

When she told me it couldn't be that way, I felt crushed. Through tear filled eyes I told her it was over, as I couldn't live like this any longer. The pain was becoming too great. I asked her not to contact me except for work purposes, and to keep it to the point and with as little interaction as possible.

 

I guess I'm in day 1 of no contact. sigh...

[westernxer]

Too bad you work with her... no more "bonus."

[blind folded]

About a month ago, we sat at a cafe and she talked about 'if we were married, etc...' but she is adamant about staying with him. this is how she wants me, and she feels that if i become her husband that she will lose me as a friend and lover. it's so warped, but in a way i almost understand. the only reason i want to be her husband is because i am so jealous of him... well, and because i love her so much and want to be there for her more often.

 

and i'm tired of living in secrecy... i want to tell all the world that we're together, i want to plan our future together, i want to spend my life with her. i don't want to break it off with her, i just want to find ways to be happier when she's not around. i try to focus on my career... but i'm planning on moving closer to her. she lives a considerable distance from me, and it limits the time i have to see her considerably.

 

i know i'm crazy, that i'm setting myself up for potential disappointment, but i just can't give up... i follow my heart more than my head. i never want to lose her, i feel she is my destiny.

[Dueces]

Deep Blue and Blind Folded: Now, this is coming from a MW's point of view. I love my ex-lover very much. I would love to spend my life with him. I married at 19, but never knew what love was until I met my ex-lover. I thought about him for 21 years before we met again. I love him as the day he left me. But this time, we were so much more passionate and told each other constantly how much we were in love. We talked about being a couple and what we would do if we spent our lives together. We spent long days together and felt that we were a couple, but it was all a facade. We knew we would never be because I would not make the move even though he is my greatest passion and the love of my life. Though, it was a awhile before I admitted to him that I could not leave, I avoided the subject whenever he brought it up. I knew he would not have it any other way. He wanted me with him day and night.

 

It has been almost 2 1/2 weeks and he has not contacted me. Yes, I sent him an email and he did not respond. The last thing he said to me was that he was not going to be a boyfriend on the side and wait around for me to spend time with him. He asked me to make our relationship an open one and confront my husband. I told him no. As much as I love him, I cannot leave my family. I could not do it the 1st time and cannot do it now.

 

Deep Blue, the first weeks are the hardest, but I hate to say this, I also worked with my ex-love 21 years and we did have a platonic relationship for about 6 months in the middle of our affair. We acted like friends and fooled ourselves into thinking that we could be just that. But before he left, we started the sex again and here we are, almost headed back into it 21 years later. Since you and your MW work together, you are in for a long haul.

 

Bkind Folded, yes you are setting yourself up for disappointment, but I know, our hearts rule our heads. Since she is adamant about not leaving, she never will.

 

So what I hear from both MW's that you are in love with, is that they will not leave either. My ex-lover is using this no contact hoping that I will decide to leave my husband if I really want to be with him. But the decision is still no. If I had it my way, I would keep him as the boyfriend in waiting. But after 5 months he has had enough. I don't blame him, but I made sure he knows that I have love him and will forever.

[jadeblossom]

Dueces,

 

As much as I love him, I cannot leave my family. I could not do it the 1st time and cannot do it now.

 

just wondering and trying to understand... did you stay because of your children?

[Dueces]

Yes, basically I have stayed because of my children. I really have a good life with my husband. He has been good to me and I would feel guilty leaving. You can love 2 people at once and I told my ex-lover this. But the 2 loves can be totally different. The love with my husband is comfortable and predictable. The love with my ex-lover is exciting and unpredictable. Sometimes, I feel that life is too short and that I should go with my heart. But I feel that the devastation that this could cause would hurt all of us and taint the very love I have for him. He knows this too, so he has walked away before we got caught and had dire circumstances to endure.

[EC]

You ate dinner with him and played tennis with him all while banging his Wife behind his back ?

[blind folded]

EC... I don't know why you used a question mark with your statement.

 

Also, he was not "banging" her, he is in love with her. Perhaps you have not learned the difference between these things.

 

Dueces,

 

Would you have left if not for the kids? The woman I am involved with has no kids. I cannot understand why she would be true to some of her vows, and not others.

 

I know I am probably wasting my time with her, but life feels like a big waste of time anyways... I mean, what is the point of life?

 

Anyhow DB, I want to hear how it goes... however I have made a commitment to my mw to be there for her, and I'm pretty adamant about keeping it. I want to learn to be happy as an OM, to be content with my solitude.

 

I don't want a relationship with anybody else, so why would I bother?

[westernxer]

Originally posted by EC

You ate dinner with him and played tennis with him all while banging his Wife behind his back ?

 

Let's hope the husband didn't pick up the tab, too.

[westernxer]

Deep Blue, ever think about looking for a new job?

[Deep Blue]

Originally posted by EC

You ate dinner with him and played tennis with him all while banging his Wife behind his back ?

 

Sounds really crude, doesn't it? But here's the thing: his wife and I were no longer intimate at the time. After his wife told me that she wants to start a family with him, I had let go and was only going to be friends with them. In fact, I was feeling so guilty for what I had done, that I tried to make up for it by being really nice and friendly. Completely hypocritical I know, given that the affair resumed shortly after, when his wife got jealous that I became interested in another girl at work.

 

My position with him will be the same as with his wife; I will cease all dealings with them and go into no contact; as much as I am able to given that I'm working with her. I realize that I have done this man a terrible wrong. Since I do not think I can make up for it in any reasonable way without creating more damage than has already done, I will show him respect by simply bowing out. Do you think that is reasonable?

 

And yes, I did pay most of the bills.

[westernxer]

Stop fishing from the company pier, lest you find another hook in your ass. That's all I'm gonna say.

[Deep Blue]

Originally posted by Dueces

So what I hear from both MW's that you are in love with, is that they will not leave either. My ex-lover is using this no contact hoping that I will decide to leave my husband if I really want to be with him. But the decision is still no. If I had it my way, I would keep him as the boyfriend in waiting. But after 5 months he has had enough. I don't blame him, but I made sure he knows that I have love him and will forever.

 

Dueces, I do believe you love your ex-lover a lot, and your messages help me understand my MW's actions. I do believe my MW loves me a lot, and like you, feels she must stay with her husband.

 

The thing is, I always have this picture in my head. Imagine a university student, who has a guy in her class that she's in love with and wants to date, and also another guy who she's best friends with. She would cry on the best friend's shoulder, spend lots of time talking about her feelings. But, the other guy she's in love with always comes first, and although the best friend loves her too, is limited to staying on the side-lines, and waiting for whatever crumbs of affection comes his way. I just want to come first in her life, and not be a guy always waiting for the crumbs.

 

I think, like your ex-lover, I'm also partially guilty of using no-contact as a way to try and influence my MW. I guess I figure that since I was providing her support network, that if I was no longer there that she would suddenly realize how important I was to her, and that she would come back to me in a way that I would be a bigger part of her life. The other part of me wants to have no-contact just to get away from this situation that is toxic to my emotional health, so I dissapear into a hole, and have time to grieve, lick my wounds and heal.

 

Kind of tough when I see her every day at work... sigh.

[Deep Blue]

Originally posted by westernxer

Deep Blue, ever think about looking for a new job?

 

Yeah, I guess that is the next logical step. Since she's not going to leave her husband, I'll doubt she'll leave her job. So to create any real physical distance, it's what needed. Otherwise, as Dueces pointed out, I could get caught in another cycle.

 

So easy to write the words though, but much harder to actually do, especially in my current emotional state. But I'll start thinking about what I can do. Thanks.

[westernxer]

Originally posted by Deep Blue

So easy to write the words though, but much harder to actually do, especially in my current emotional state.

 

I hear you, man.