Just know that you dodged a bullet

[lostsoul6486]

If you were in a relationship where you were emotionally manipulated or cheated on and you're feeling like you can't live without your ex, just know that you dodged a bullet. I know it's hard when it's fresh, but always have that thought in the back of your mind. It's not just something your friends tell you to make you feel better. It's true, especially if your friends never liked your girlfriend. I'm not saying you need their approval, but you are who you hang out with and if they don't like her it's not a good sign.

 

I was catching up with a friend today and he asked me if I had heard that my ex got married. I had. No matter how good I've been with NC, word gets around. I even posted about it a while back I believe. Anyway, he told me how I "dodged a bullet" with her. I will confess that I have never been a huge fan of the "dodged a bullet" speech. I've always seen it as something that is just meant to make you feel better, but, as I mentioned above, it's not. I didn't say anything, but he could tell that I really didn't want to talk about it. He went on to tell me that he was only asking if I had heard of her marriage because he had seen her a few days ago being a little more than friendly with someone who is not her husband. So, when it's getting difficult and you really want to break NC, just remember that you dodged a bullet.

[TexasGuy12]

If you were in a relationship where you were emotionally manipulated or cheated on and you're feeling like you can't live without your ex, just know that you dodged a bullet. I know it's hard when it's fresh, but always have that thought in the back of your mind. It's not just something your friends tell you to make you feel better. It's true, especially if your friends never liked your girlfriend. I'm not saying you need their approval, but you are who you hang out with and if they don't like her it's not a good sign.

 

I was catching up with a friend today and he asked me if I had heard that my ex got married. I had. No matter how good I've been with NC, word gets around. I even posted about it a while back I believe. Anyway, he told me how I "dodged a bullet" with her. I will confess that I have never been a huge fan of the "dodged a bullet" speech. I've always seen it as something that is just meant to make you feel better, but, as I mentioned above, it's not. I didn't say anything, but he could tell that I really didn't want to talk about it. He went on to tell me that he was only asking if I had heard of her marriage because he had seen her a few days ago being a little more than friendly with someone who is not her husband. So, when it's getting difficult and you really want to break NC, just remember that you dodged a bullet.

 

Thanks for posting this. The issue is that your head and heart don't think the same. My ex had lots of issues, manipulated me in lots of ways, I always was loyal and stood by her. Ended up cheating on me, dumped me. The whole 9 yards. My friends thought she was nuts - my best guy friend of 20 years told me to run away and never look back during the middle of our relationship. My best girlfriend-friend never liked her, but never told me that until after.

 

My point? In my head, in my logical time, I know that I'm better off out of the relationship. But in my heart, I can't help who I love and who I care about, and who I want to protect. And it's her. So those 2 powerful organs are working against each other, and most times, the heart wins out.

 

I can see myself in a new relationship down the road with a much more normal, stable person, and understanding that I'm much better off in a much better situation - but I feel my heart will always be attracted to this specific ex. Not just because she's my most recent ex, but because I had that soulmate/lobster feeling with her much more than in any past relationship.

[DarrenB]

What about if it wasn't a loyalty or deceit story? no cheating or love elsewhere involved, just needing to change for the better as a person and attitude to be potentially re-gaining them.

 

Do you believe in that?

[lostsoul6486]

Thanks for posting this. The issue is that your head and heart don't think the same. My ex had lots of issues, manipulated me in lots of ways, I always was loyal and stood by her. Ended up cheating on me, dumped me. The whole 9 yards. My friends thought she was nuts - my best guy friend of 20 years told me to run away and never look back during the middle of our relationship. My best girlfriend-friend never liked her, but never told me that until after.

 

My point? In my head, in my logical time, I know that I'm better off out of the relationship. But in my heart, I can't help who I love and who I care about, and who I want to protect. And it's her. So those 2 powerful organs are working against each other, and most times, the heart wins out.

 

I can see myself in a new relationship down the road with a much more normal, stable person, and understanding that I'm much better off in a much better situation - but I feel my heart will always be attracted to this specific ex. Not just because she's my most recent ex, but because I had that soulmate/lobster feeling with her much more than in any past relationship.

 

I know that feeling all too well. I also had that "soulmate" feeling with my ex. The head and the heart aren't always on the same page which makes things extremely difficult. I've come to accept the fact that my ex will always hold a place in my heart. I have tried SO hard to just forget everything about her. There's no point though. It's not going to happen so I have accepted her, the good memories and the bad ones, as part of my past and that's made things a whole lot easier.

 

Part of the reason I don't like talking about her is because it ends up in some of my friends bashing her. Logically I know she wasn't good to me, but I still don't like hearing people speaking badly about her. It's just that whole mind versus heart thing.

 

I wouldn't say the heart "wins out" though. Neither of them do. It's important to strike a balance. I've always been a man of logic except when it comes to this girl. Almost every decision I made about her was purely based on emotion and it didn't go well at all. It seems like your break up is fresher than mine judging from your reply, but time will make it easier for you to strike that balance. I don't know about you, but a big reason why I still care about my ex at all is because I don't believe she's a bad person. She lied to me, cheated on me, manipulated me, broke me, and left me in shambles but I still don't believe she is a bad person. No matter how much my friends genuinely believe she's a ****ty person, they don't know why she is the way she is. I do. She's had it rough. She has issues as a result. Not an excuse for her, but just a fact of life. It's weird because I want her to be happy. I just don't necessarily want to know about it.

[lostsoul6486]

What about if it wasn't a loyalty or deceit story? no cheating or love elsewhere involved, just needing to change for the better as a person and attitude to be potentially re-gaining them.

 

Do you believe in that?

 

I'm not sure where you're coming from with your reply. I'm guessing your ex broke up with you because she thinks you need to change? If that's the case, I wouldn't focus any of my energy on regaining her. I would look in the mirror and ask myself if I liked what I saw. If the answer was no, I would strive to become someone who would change the answer to yes. Not because I want to regain her, but because I want to be someone I could be proud of.

[neuroscience]

I really don't like the term 'dodging bullets'. I rather find it disrespectful, and no matter what your exes have done to you, I want to be the person to be able to take the high road.

 

Case in point: my ex turned out to have a mental maturity of a three year old, which led to a rapid demise of the relationship. I got back together with my first ex, whose problems (the reason we broke up in the first place) were resolved by then.

 

It's been four years since then. The three year old is still holding grudges in an extremely passive-aggressive manner. The weird thing is, he was the one who used the term "dodge a bullet" during the break-up. I thanked him for all the wonderful time, wished him the best, and moved on.

 

I am not saying that I didn't have problems. But four years of grudge for a six month relationship seems a little absurd. And I feel as if because he is the person who wrote the relationship off as 'dodging bullet' - which really doesn't put any blame on yourself, when you aren't completely in the right - he still hasn't grown up and moved on. It is your fault that you selected your ex, as it is my mistake to have selected my own. But unless you own up to it, learn from your mistakes, how will you avoid making mistakes the next time?

 

'Dodging a bullet' implies that you were lucky to have missed a mishap, but that mishap was through no fault of your own (it is, after all, not 'wow, you missed a suicidal round'). It fully blames the other party for firing the bullet, when you were party to the misery as well.

[lostsoul6486]

I really don't like the term 'dodging bullets'. I rather find it disrespectful, and no matter what your exes have done to you, I want to be the person to be able to take the high road.

 

Case in point: my ex turned out to have a mental maturity of a three year old, which led to a rapid demise of the relationship. I got back together with my first ex, whose problems (the reason we broke up in the first place) were resolved by then.

 

It's been four years since then. The three year old is still holding grudges in an extremely passive-aggressive manner. The weird thing is, he was the one who used the term "dodge a bullet" during the break-up. I thanked him for all the wonderful time, wished him the best, and moved on.

 

I am not saying that I didn't have problems. But four years of grudge for a six month relationship seems a little absurd. And I feel as if because he is the person who wrote the relationship off as 'dodging bullet' - which really doesn't put any blame on yourself, when you aren't completely in the right - he still hasn't grown up and moved on. It is your fault that you selected your ex, as it is my mistake to have selected my own. But unless you own up to it, learn from your mistakes, how will you avoid making mistakes the next time?

 

'Dodging a bullet' implies that you were lucky to have missed a mishap, but that mishap was through no fault of your own (it is, after all, not 'wow, you missed a suicidal round'). It fully blames the other party for firing the bullet, when you were party to the misery as well.

 

What exactly is the high road though? I agree that the phrase does not apply to a lot of break ups, but it does apply to the type referenced in the OP. There is no excuse for abuse or cheating. None. I'm sorry but if that happens getting blocked is the highest road you're gonna get. That doesn't mean I can't identify and work on my shortcomings. It just means I'm no longer dealing with a cheating, abusive ex.