No Contact Is Killing Me.

[Satu]

Here's a clipping from my journal:

 

 

"Never begin a new relationship until you've fully moved on from the one before.

 

Also never begin a new relationship with someone who hasn't fully moved on from *their* one before.

 

By 'moved on,' I mean any necessary grieving done, not preoccupied with the ex, enjoying life, feeling good about yourself, and optimistic about the future.

 

The best way to move on is to decide to be single for a while; not dating, not hooking up, no fwb. Some short term counselling if that appeals to you.

 

'Get back on the horse' is sound advice, but its best to let the cuts and bruises heal before you do."

 

 

Take care.

[aloneinaz]

Perhaps I did take it too seriously but he made me believe we were working on building something together and then he pulls this crap on me. It just hurts.

 

I'm a big believer in that words mean absolutely nothing. People's actions are what you monitor. People say all sort of things at the beginning of a relationship. Guys/gals say things to get the other in the sack. We all know this.

 

This is why you don't let your guard down for months into a R/S so you can verify that their words match up to their actions. It's sad but true.

[lexytheblasian]

@Satu I really, really liked that. I definitely need to be single for awhile. The thought of doing anything remotely close to dating or being involved with the opposite sex is just... no. Just no. Not now, anyway.

 

@aloneinaz yup. Yet somehow it's happened to me more times than I care to remember. I'm not sure why with this particular guy I'm finding it so hard to accept the fact that it's over and he isn't coming back.

[lexytheblasian]

Hey all,

 

So I had an epiphany today. Can't explain it. I accepted a date from a guy who isn't really my type, but I figure, "why not?!" I've actually turned him down a few other times because I wasn't fully over the guy I'm talking about on this post. I had a sudden change of heart today after much reflection. He was very accepting and understanding when I kindly explained my reasons for turning down his initial dates.

 

I'd be lying if I said I'm not anxious and downright terrified. I hope I don't cancel again out of fear and anxiety like I did the last few times.

 

Is this a good idea? I don't want anyone to feel the pain in their chest that I felt for the last several months.

[lexytheblasian]

...my guy texts me out of the blue.

 

Some of you may have seen my previous post about how a man I'm dating suddenly went silent after my psychotic outburts. Everyone pretty much told me to block/delete him and move on.

 

I went NC.

 

Out of nowhere he texts me and I decide to respond. Instead of doing what comes natural to me (flying off the handle, asking why I hadn't heard from him, being overly emotional/irrational, ect.) I remained calm and cool.

 

We end up talking on the phone and he apologizes for being distant, stating that due to his situation (his recent divorce, the passing of his father, ect.) he slips into depression. He said some days he will literally not talk to anybody, family included.

 

Next thing I know we're making plans to go grocery shopping with his mom and son. Even his mom called me shortly after we got off the phone and she's going to cook for us. I'm also going to church with them Sunday. And he asked me to accept his friend request on facebook (I blocked/deleted him).

 

Now, I'm not sure if I broke NC too soon but I am definitely going to tread this road lightly. No more emotional outbursts, drunken phone calls, asking him "where is this going?," ect.

 

I just wanted to give an update on my situation.

[ChickiePops]

But what about the other woman?

[VeveCakes]

Hes probably an avoidant though. This pattern will repeat. BE careful.

[lexytheblasian]

@chickiepops turns out I was being paranoid. The woman I thought he was seeing is actually a high school friend who is dating one of his friends.

 

@VeveCakes, good point. Something I thought about myself, especially given the fact that his divorce is so recent and fresh in his mind.

[marky00]

Tread carefully.

 

 

Calm and cool. Well done. But, that can sometimes set you up for greater pain. Trust me.

 

 

You don't want to get to the point where you just never react or don't show emotion because instinctively you know that might cause issues.

 

 

My Ex told me she wanted to break it off mid 2013. I flew over there, convinced her to change her mind and we lasted until early 2015.

 

 

But looking back, I really wasn't getting a lot out of it. I was giving her my time, some financial support at times and essentially showing an interest in her life. At the same time, I never once in those 18 months showed one crack or emotional outburst, I pretty much turned into a machine that was "positive" at all times. Very draining indeed. This was partially motivated by the fact that in 2012/2013 I was under a lot of stress and for the first time in our 8 year relationship, I showed a "weak" side of me. Once she agreed to take me back, I swore I would never show her that side of me again, no matter what occurred.

 

 

So yes, it is possible, you can make adjustments to extend a relationship... but you need to be the type of person that can handle the pain. Me personally, I didn't necessarily feel bad during those 18 months. But, when it all ended, the pain rose to the surface in a big way.

Edited September 9, 2016 by marky00

[lexytheblasian]

@marky00 at least you got your ex back. So, you two are still together?

 

Bad news, everyone. He pulled away from me yet again, I reacted like a psycho again and now I'm restarting NC - AGAIN.

 

I'm so angry with myself. I should have never responded to his text. Now I'm back at square one. He fed me the classic breadcrumbs and I fell for it: hook, line and sinker.

 

This sucks.

[Blanco]

@marky00 at least you got your ex back. So, you two are still together?

 

Bad news, everyone. He pulled away from me yet again, I reacted like a psycho again and now I'm restarting NC - AGAIN.

 

I'm so angry with myself. I should have never responded to his text. Now I'm back at square one. He fed me the classic breadcrumbs and I fell for it: hook, line and sinker.

 

This sucks.

 

marky is one of many examples you'll find on this forum of why it's generally a bad idea to go back to a relationship that has already failed before. It just delays the inevitable (another breakup) and the necessary (healing).

[kevintech]

Well, I've been checking their timestamps via FB messenger and I think I figured it out. Their timestamps are seriously almost ALWAYS aligned with one another. My gut is telling me he's pursuing her.

 

I decided a few days ago to go NC so I blocked his number so I can' t get any texts or calls. I deactivated my FB too but I can't stop reactivating it to check his timestamps to compare it with his new flame. Everytime it kills me. Everytime.

 

How is that possible to see? Do you mean their "last online" times were syncing up?

[lexytheblasian]

@kevintech yes that's what I mean.

[Ahurtgirl]

I think what is fueling your craziness is you fear losing him. Next time he reaches out, believe that he respects you and has an interest in you. See if that helps you not go psycho with him. Ignore the doubts you have inside you and think positive thoughts. If you live for his praise and affection, you will also die by his criticism. IF at any point in the conversation, you feel it is going south, like you can feel your emotions getting out of control, tell him you have another call and tell him you'll talk to him later. Then HANG UP or STOP TEXTING. Just get out and away from him anytime you do not feel in control of your emotions. Do not talk to him until you feel strong and in control of any out bursts. Men hate when a women is not in control of herself and they lose respect for them. They want someone who can be in control of their emotions because they need to have someone in their life that will be able to keep focused and stable when something really dramatic happens in life. Stability is key. I keep learning this over in my life and the relationship in my life that I keep drama free and maintain a positive attitude, by far, have had the best and longest lasting friendships of all.

[lexytheblasian]

I actually went no contact for almost a month and was doing so well... until I had the urge to contact him.

 

Big mistake.

 

He initially asked me to come stay with him for the weekend, but when we talked the day before I planned to drive down there, he changed our plans out of the blue. Instead of staying with him for the entire weekend, he asked me to just stay the night. Mind you, we live almost 2 hrs away from one another. Also, I didn't get off work until 4pm and had class. When I reminded him that I had to be at work in the morning, he said, "just leave at like 6 or 7." Seriously? So we'd be spending less than 12 hrs together?

 

When I asked him why he suddenly changed his mind, he kept saying, "I just can't for the entire weekend." Literally lying through his teeth. I couldn't and still cannot believe the audacity he had to tell me such a bold faced lie. He then said, "I picked up overtime hours." Dude. SERIOUSLY?

 

I refused to do it. The next day I noticed he deleted me from his facebook. He threatened to do it the night before but I didn't actually think he'd do it, but do it, he did.

 

My mind scrambled and I ended up adding a girl on facebook that I suspected he may be pursuing now. He's liked nearly all of her photos, posts and he has commented on a few. The girl is very beautiful. She responded with heart emojis. After I saw all of this I immediately blocked him on everything.

 

My self-esteem is at an all time low right now. I feel absolutely pathetic and my chest is aching all over again.

 

My point is this: LISTEN to those who say DO NOT, for any reason AT ALL, break No Contact. If you feel the urge to initiate contact, take some deep breaths, go to the gym, watch cute kitty videos online, something.

 

Don't give in. I gave in and it's as if rubbing alcohol has been poured over the wound. Now I'm hurting all over again.

Edited October 27, 2016 by lexytheblasian

[Kelley]

I'm so sorry you are hurting all over again, it's hell I know. But think of it this way that door is closed forever now, and you will never be wondering what if. Maintain NC, don't look at anything concerning him on FB, look after you now. You deserve to move on, live your life. Take care.

[lovebug_5858]

I'm sorry you are going through this yet again but yes, please maintain NC and use this time to heal and take back your power. He does not have power over you, at least he wont if you dont give it to him.

 

I'm 3 days post break up, 2 days NC. Immediately after the break up I sent a simple text saying I agree with the break up and I wish him well. Of course I've been hurting and sad but he's not lying around sulking and crying so why should I? I'm taking this time to better myself, physically as well as mentally. Studying all day tomorrow, then going to class on Monday, signing up for the gym, and taking a yoga class. My point is, use this time to go through the motions, let yourself feel it, but also remind yourself that he chose to leave so you don't owe him any more time of crying, sulking, rewinding your past moments in your head, etc. Better yourself. Find something, a new hobby, anything that will bring you joy. Even sitting outside and letting the breeze hit you is nice. I hope you begin feeling better. We're here for you.

[Blondie75]

Yeah girl, take the high road. Cut off all contact and start your healing.

 

I've been there and done this too (not exactly the same, but similarities for sure). My man did come back, but after several months (almost a year) of no contact. In the long term, it didn't work for him and I, but for other reasons, not crazy behavior.

 

I say as hard as it is, invest your energy and time into self help. Even if it's not CBT per se, join some clubs, start some new hobbies etc. Maybe buy some self help books that speak to your situation and resonate with you (that's what I did). And most significantly, learn from this and apply to the future. Hugs.

[malebroken]

How u go no, when ex sends u stuff but put child all the time, yet won't let me see him?