No Contact Is Killing Me.

[lexytheblasian]

Let me just start off by saying I never thought I'd sign up on a site like this but I'm driving myself absolutely insane and I need help.

 

I don't want to make this too long so I'll cut some corners.

 

Several months ago the son of a family friend reached out to me while he was at Police Academy. This is a guy who I almost lost my virginity to more than a decade ago.

 

His wife filed for divorce a few months before he reached out to me. We talked on the phone constantly, he texted me everyday, blah blah blah. He kept talking about our future together, how he's not here to play games, on and on. I maintained my cool and refused to believe anything he said because I've been down this road too many times to count. He even sent roses to me with a note saying "you're worth it."

 

After graduating from the Police Academy he came back to where he's from (we live about an hour away from eachother) and we spent the weekend together.

 

We had sex. He came with me to my parents' house and gave my dad his dad's watch and football jersey (his dad passed away last year, they were best friends.)

 

While he was in my town he stayed in a hotel room. When I went back to my apartment we were texting and he told me he broke down because of everything - his dad, his ex, the loss of his family and what his son is going through.

 

He started becoming distant and backtracked on all the future talk, which felt like somebody dropped a ton of bricks on my chest.

 

He was still calling me and texting me everyday as well as videochatting me but I just couldn't stop going psycho on him. I won't go into detail but I did act pretty irrational, often calling him drunk out of my mind.

 

Fast forward to now. He no longer reaches out. No more video chatting. No more texting. No more phone calls. No more dates. Radio silence. It's killing me.

 

He sent my call to voicemail the other day, claiming he was soooo tired. Well, since I'm a bit of a psycho, I created a fake number and called him that same day. Guess what? He answered. Yeah, super tired.

 

When I tried to go to his apartment to stay the night he claimed he was working overtime the whole week.

 

On facebook, I noticed a girl who left a comment on his status and also liked a few of his pics and statuses. Once again, my inner psycho came out. I sent a request to this girl - mind you, I don't know her.

 

Well, I've been checking their timestamps via FB messenger and I think I figured it out. Their timestamps are seriously almost ALWAYS aligned with one another. My gut is telling me he's pursuing her.

 

I decided a few days ago to go NC so I blocked his number so I can' t get any texts or calls. I deactivated my FB too but I can't stop reactivating it to check his timestamps to compare it with his new flame. Everytime it kills me. Everytime.

 

Anyway this NC business is hurting me so much. I know my psycho outbursts and drunken calls played a role in pushing him away but if he didn't think he was ready to pursue someone due to his current divorce situation, why the heck did he reach out to me and lead me on?! WHY ME?! I'm dying inside because I miss the person he was towards me months ago and now... he's gone. I want to reach out so bad, I want to stop cyberstalking him so bad... because I know it's not healthy and it's causing me more turmoil.

 

Sorry, I just need to vent. He was such a great guy to me and now he's gone. Is there any possible way that sticking with NC will make him want to pursue me again someday? I'm so depressed and I can't shake him off.

[Satu]

Welcome to Loveshack.

 

Checking his social media is the emotional equivalent of hitting yourself on the kneecap with a hammer.

 

The other stuff you've been doing is pretty worrying

 

Stop it.

 

The chances of him "pursuing you again," are so slim as to be effectively zero.

 

Who would want the "psycho" behaviour?

 

Surely you must know, that the way you've been behaving, is something that most people would find intolerable?

 

Watch your drinking; it's not good for you.

 

Get some counselling and sort yourself out.

 

I sympathise with your pain, but your behaviour needs to change.

 

None of this is about him.

 

Its all about you.

 

 

Take care.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think he will be coming back. By your own admission, you behaved like a crazy person. That is the memory that will linger with him for a long time.

 

I can understand why you're hurt. But you need to pull yourself together so you can live without regrets like this.

[BC1980]

I know my psycho outbursts and drunken calls played a role in pushing him away but if he didn't think he was ready to pursue someone due to his current divorce situation, why the heck did he reach out to me and lead me on?!

 

You have to cross a line to realize you've gone too far. Pursing you might have sounded good, but the reality wasn't what he wanted. And honestly, psycho outbursts and drunken calls make the reality that much less appealing. You know that you are going overboard with the social media stalking and making up fake phone numbers to call him. Don't double down on this one. Your dignity is not worth this.

[lexytheblasian]

Thanks for the advice. I know I need some serious help because it isn't normal to behave this way.

 

So should I just continue with NC? Do you think he will at least one day REACH OUT to me to see how I'm doing?

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, stick to no contact. Show him you know how to respect a boundary.

 

I rather doubt he will get in touch again, but anything is possible. Don't get your hopes up though.

[lexytheblasian]

The girl who I suspect he's now pursuing is soo pretty, in shape, successful... my chest is aching something terrible right now. I know I shouldn't compare myself to anyone he may be seeing but it's hard. I know I messed up pretty bad.

 

Should I block him on facebook or just deactivate it? I keep hovering over the "block" button but I just can't muster up the courage to click it.

[springy]

It was much too soon for him to be seeing anyone so fresh out of a divorce; I think your intuition kicked in early on where you said you were were leery of his advances. Your "gut" said don't go down this road. That is where this should have ended. Next time, pay attention to the situation around the man's life, do not ignore the red flags. Fresh out of divorce/relationship = major "smacking you upside the head" red flag. Sure there are some people who can successfully leap frog from one to the next, but that is the exception and not the rule.

 

Sorry for your pain. Do not reach out anymore. Get off social media entirely if you cannot shut off stalker mode.

 

Your reaction was very extreme. Look into the underlying reasons for all that, work on yourself. Put this all behind you. You are worthy of love, this was just not the man for you.

 

You want to know if he will reach out or want to try again. My opinion is that this is something you should not hold out that kind of hope for.

[ExpatInItaly]

The girl who I suspect he's now pursuing is soo pretty, in shape, successful... my chest is aching something terrible right now. I know I shouldn't compare myself to anyone he may be seeing but it's hard. I know I messed up pretty bad.

 

Should I block him on facebook or just deactivate it? I keep hovering over the "block" button but I just can't muster up the courage to click it.

 

Just block/delete him.

[BC1980]

The girl who I suspect he's now pursuing is soo pretty, in shape, successful... my chest is aching something terrible right now. I know I shouldn't compare myself to anyone he may be seeing but it's hard. I know I messed up pretty bad.

 

Should I block him on facebook or just deactivate it? I keep hovering over the "block" button but I just can't muster up the courage to click it.

 

You might want to deactivate your FB is you feel you can't resist blocking and then unblocking him. Sometimes, it can he helpful to stay away for awhile. When my ex was getting married, I stayed away from FB for awhile because we have mutual friends. I didn't want to risk any pictures popping up on my feed because that had happened in the past. At least, when you are really emotional, it's sometimes good to take a break from social media to decompress.

 

Something I had to learn was that my ex's relationship with another woman wasn't a reflection on me. It had nothing to do with me, and it didn't negate his past feelings for me or the good times we had shared. I know that there are a lot of difficult and confusing feelings when you seen an ex move on (especially when you see mutual friends/acquaintances commenting in support of the relationship), but their relationship isn't about you. It's not a judgement on you at all though I know it can feel that way at times.

[BC1980]

Thanks for the advice. I know I need some serious help because it isn't normal to behave this way.

 

Sometimes, relationships can make you do crazy stuff that you later look back on and think WTH? I've done some crazy stuff too in the past. In college, I drove to my ex's house unannounced one night, so, I mean, we've all done some crazy stuff. I look back and cringe when I think about that, but just do better moving forward.

[preraph]

Your behavior would run any rational person off because no one needs that. You need to forget about dating and get a grip on yourself and your drinking, if that is your main problem, or if that's just how you are, always going nuts, then obviously, you need some guidance.

[BlueIris]

...

 

His wife filed for divorce a few months before he reached out to me. We talked on the phone constantly, he texted me everyday, blah blah blah. He kept talking about our future together, how he's not here to play games, on and on. I maintained my cool and refused to believe anything he said because I've been down this road too many times to count. He even sent roses to me with a note saying "you're worth it."

 

...

 

Sorry, I just need to vent. He was such a great guy to me and now he's gone. Is there any possible way that sticking with NC will make him want to pursue me again someday? I'm so depressed and I can't shake him off.

 

No, he wasn't and isn't a great guy. He love-bombed you, future-faked, and used you for comfort while was divorcing. STAY NC! Once you emotionally disconnect, you'll see it more clearly.

[Bialy]

For your sake, UNFRIEND him and her.

 

It's destroying you and will make things worse.

[aloneinaz]

Ok, I'm confused here? You only went out with this guy a few times, never were in a R/S with him? I'm struggling to understand your actions if you only dated/slept w/him a handful of times?

 

Like the others are suggesting, you need to really consider some therapy to uncover why you're responding this way.

 

Pls, leave this guy alone or he could impact your career if he files a claim of stalking or harassment against you.

[lexytheblasian]

Thank you so much for all of the advice. Honestly I wasn't expecting to get any replies because I know this topic has been beat to death on this website.

 

Everything you all are saying, my head fully agrees with... it's just my heart, for the time being, that can't seem to get a grasp on the reality of my situation.

 

We were not in a relationship. Went out on a few dates, slept together a few times and maintained contact daily.

 

I wish I could go back in time, I'd put a stop to it the moment he told me he was fresh out of a divorce. In retrospect, ALL of his behaviors towards me are signs of a person who ISN'T ready for a relationship: very clingy, talking about the future soooo early on, constantly bashing his ex...

 

I'm starting to wonder if I was just a rebound to him. Like someone else said, a 'comfort thing.'

 

It's starting to become more and more clear to me that even if he didn't INTENTIONALLY mean to hurt me, he has to know deep down that he did. Whenever I used to tell him that he hurt me, he'd say, "we weren't in a relationship," or "stop always trying to play the victim." He apologized but that honestly means nothing because where is he now? Not with me.

 

I have serious abandonment issues, so the fact that another one jumped ship has pushed me over the emotional cliff.

Edited September 4, 2016 by lexytheblasian

[Satu]

Now would be a good time to get some counselling and work on these issues.

 

If you don't, they'll slip out of your awareness, until the next time you get involved with someone.

 

I'd also recommend keeping a journal.

 

Writing about your thoughts and feelings can be very therapeutic.

 

 

Break the cycle of acting out and forgetting.

 

 

Take care.

Edited September 4, 2016 by Satu

[BlueIris]

Thank you so much for all of the advice. Honestly I wasn't expecting to get any replies because I know this topic has been beat to death on this website.

 

Everything you all are saying, my head fully agrees with... it's just my heart, for the time being, that can't seem to get a grasp on the reality of my situation.

 

We were not in a relationship. Went out on a few dates, slept together a few times and maintained contact daily.

 

I wish I could go back in time, I'd put a stop to it the moment he told me he was fresh out of a divorce. In retrospect, ALL of his behaviors towards me are signs of a person who ISN'T ready for a relationship: very clingy, talking about the future soooo early on, constantly bashing his ex...

 

I'm starting to wonder if I was just a rebound to him. Like someone else said, a 'comfort thing.'

 

It's starting to become more and more clear to me that even if he didn't INTENTIONALLY mean to hurt me, he has to know deep down that he did. Whenever I used to tell him that he hurt me, he'd say, "we weren't in a relationship," or "stop always trying to play the victim." He apologized but that honestly means nothing because where is he now? Not with me.

 

I have serious abandonment issues, so the fact that another one jumped ship has pushed me over the emotional cliff.

 

Pull yourself back from the cliff. Shift to looking at this event (the event, not him) as being a wonderful gift for changing, for learning. If getting sexually involved makes you attach (and it does for lots of people), in the future hold off having sex for a much longer time to assess someone's steadiness and investment first. Don't fold to pressure and manipulation devices (such as, "You're using sex like some prize," "I can't tell if I want to be serious until we have sex," and "There's something wrong with you"). Let those guys leave. Take this event as an opportunity, a turning point to change how you date and who you date.

[lexytheblasian]

@Satu, I've just recently started writing in a journal and I definitely think it's helping. I will continue to write in it and possibly seek professional help.

 

@blueiris looking at my past dating habits and how they ended, I do think I give myself physically to men too soon. I get super attached and when the guy ghosts me or pulls a slow fade I spiral out of control... until I meet the next man and repeat the same thing. It's a vicious cycle that I'm struggling to break. But you are right. I am trying to look at this event, NOT him, as a lesson. I have got to stop getting intimate with men based off what they say instead of what they do.

[lexytheblasian]

I know this is a really silly thing to ask but what if he disappeared so that I can work on myself? He used to tell me all the time that I needed to work on myself and that he's praying for me...

 

...or am I being ridiculous to think he'd ever come back around (I'm sure I know the answer but why not ask, right)?

[Satu]

As you said, you know the answer.

 

 

I'd like to recommend a book that you might find helpful:

 

 

A Gift to Myself: A Personal Workbook and Guide, by Charles L Whitfield.

 

ISBN-10: 1558740422 ISBN-13: 978-1558740426

 

 

Take care.

[BlueIris]

@Satu, I've just recently started writing in a journal and I definitely think it's helping. I will continue to write in it and possibly seek professional help.

 

@blueiris looking at my past dating habits and how they ended, I do think I give myself physically to men too soon. I get super attached and when the guy ghosts me or pulls a slow fade I spiral out of control... until I meet the next man and repeat the same thing. It's a vicious cycle that I'm struggling to break. But you are right. I am trying to look at this event, NOT him, as a lesson. I have got to stop getting intimate with men based off what they say instead of what they do.

 

Great! Many of us have been there. Believe me, you're not alone! Look back at your original post- you saw it right off the bat. that was your initial reaction, that he was coming on pretty strong. That's good. In the future believe it when you see it. Listen to yourself. Trust yourself.

[aloneinaz]

It's good to hear that you're recognizing that you have some work to do on yourself. All of us have room for improvement in some area of our lives or personalities.

 

What you wrote about his actions makes me believe he did nothing wrong and his intentions were not to be mean or hurtful. The whole issue is you took this whole situation WAY too seriously.

 

When I was single after my divorce, I NEVER let my guard down or let myself really fall for someone until months into a SOLID, drama free, commited relationship developed. It's so common in the first weeks or even the first couple of months of dating someone, that it can suddenly end w/out explanation. You either get a phone call/text or ghosting to let you know they weren't feeling it with you or you have to let them know that.

 

You can't take it personally or SO SERIOUSLY. That's what dating is about. Trying on different people to see who you really connect with. If you're aware that you're actions or behaviors are potentially turning folks off, make adjustments.

 

Also, I'd NEVER date or go out w/anyone freshly divorced or out of a LTR. EVER.. They have way too much baggage and things they need to work through and process before their available to potentially be in their next R/S.

[BlueIris]

It's good to hear that you're recognizing that you have some work to do on yourself. All of us have room for improvement in some area of our lives or personalities.

 

What you wrote about his actions makes me believe he did nothing wrong and his intentions were not to be mean or hurtful. The whole issue is you took this whole situation WAY too seriously.

 

When I was single after my divorce, I NEVER let my guard down or let myself really fall for someone until months into a SOLID, drama free, commited relationship developed. It's so common in the first weeks or even the first couple of months of dating someone, that it can suddenly end w/out explanation. You either get a phone call/text or ghosting to let you know they weren't feeling it with you or you have to let them know that.

 

You can't take it personally or SO SERIOUSLY. That's what dating is about. Trying on different people to see who you really connect with. If you're aware that you're actions or behaviors are potentially turning folks off, make adjustments.

 

Also, I'd NEVER date or go out w/anyone freshly divorced or out of a LTR. EVER.. They have way too much baggage and things they need to work through and process before their available to potentially be in their next R/S.

 

Very important point! And be particularly wary of those who insist that they're over it, have been over it for years, have moved on, all of that. Very often they have oodles of issues and heads deep in the sand.

[lexytheblasian]

@satu thanks for the recommendation, I will look into it.

 

@blueiris most of the time I ignore my intuition and end up in situations like this. Next time around I'll pay better attention.

 

@aloneinaz I was waiting for someone who is divorced to chime in. I'm not sure what the heck I was thinking to go along with what he was telling me, knowing he was divorced for such a short period of time. I guess because I haven't been in a relationship for so long it felt really good to be showered with so much affection and attention. So when he pulled the plug and backtracked from all the future and lovey-dovey talk, it just didn't make sense to me. He did constantly tell me, "I can't give 100% of myself to anyone right now."

 

Perhaps I did take it too seriously but he made me believe we were working on building something together and then he pulls this crap on me. It just hurts.