purplesorrow Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 I find it disgusting that adults would put their needs before a child's. But this is exactly what happens during an affair isn't it? 3
MidnightBlue1980 Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 Ok, I'll be honest. Yes, I do hold women to a higher standard. It's beyond me in a general sense how any woman would sleep with another woman's husband. On a personal level, I do hold only my husband responsible for betraying me. People will be surprised I am agreeing with this statement but I've changed my viewpoint. I think women not so much should be blamed more but I think they need to be the ones more in control of the situation, the words "keeper of the hearth" comes to mind. It has been my experience that men in general are pretty weak so we have to be the stronger sex and maintain the boundaries. I've even had men friends tell me this and instruct me on the proper way to shoot down a guy showing interest. They say guys appreciate clear, direct statements - like I'm married, nothing will ever happen. They said men would generally always cheat if able and with basically anyone, especially someone fit and pretty since most guys in my age bracket (40s) are in semi-sexless marriages. They say something happens to a guy's mind in these roommate type marriages, they are like animals. Not saying men should be held not responsible but if women did not even go there and just kicked these guys to the curb in the first place, we wouldn't be here posting all the time about all the pain we are in. Sorry if I'm about to get blasted by the men now. 2
imperfectangel Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 But this is exactly what happens during an affair isn't it? How? My mm at least has never taken time away from his children to spend with me. I can't speak for all obviously but in my own situation that has never happened 1
gettingstronger Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 How? My mm at least has never taken time away from his children to spend with me. I can't speak for all obviously but in my own situation that has never happened I think she's referring to getting caught and the trauma it causes in families. I have to agree. 3
purplesorrow Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 How? My mm at least has never taken time away from his children to spend with me. I can't speak for all obviously but in my own situation that has never happened Any time spent with his ow could have been time spent with his daughter. His affair also destroyed the security she had in a two parent home because I divorced him. Had he put her before his own wants, she wouldn't have had to go through now having two homes. 4
gettingstronger Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 People will be surprised I am agreeing with this statement but I've changed my viewpoint. I think women not so much should be blamed more but I think they need to be the ones more in control of the situation, the words "keeper of the hearth" comes to mind. It has been my experience that men in general are pretty weak so we have to be the stronger sex and maintain the boundaries. I've even had men friends tell me this and instruct me on the proper way to shoot down a guy showing interest. They say guys appreciate clear, direct statements - like I'm married, nothing will ever happen. They said men would generally always cheat if able and with basically anyone, especially someone fit and pretty since most guys in my age bracket (40s) are in semi-sexless marriages. They say something happens to a guy's mind in these roommate type marriages, they are like animals. Not saying men should be held not responsible but if women did not even go there and just kicked these guys to the curb in the first place, we wouldn't be here posting all the time about all the pain we are in. Sorry if I'm about to get blasted by the men now. I agree with the first part. Not really I the sexless marriage or the APs are fit and pretty. Not always the case from my experience. I'd go with doesn't have the strings a marriage has more than anything. But that's JMO. 1
stillafool Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 If they get used and mistreated by their AP, they deserve it. What are some opinions on this? I think both MW and MM deserve exactly what they get when they chose to have an affair. I think society judges MW with kids a lot harder than MM with kids because they think she should be spending her time with her children rather than having sex with some man other than her husband. 2
noelle303 Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 But this is exactly what happens during an affair isn't it? So we should be correcting a wrong with another wrong? ''Punishing'' the child because of their parents' decisions and mistakes? Any marriage counselor should encourage the adults in the situation to behave like adults, not to accept that the BS has hostile feelings towards the child (who is an innocent party) and assume that the OW will surely find someone else to be a substitute ''father''. 2
noelle303 Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 Ok, I'll be honest. Yes, I do hold women to a higher standard. It's beyond me in a general sense how any woman would sleep with another woman's husband. On a personal level, I do hold only my husband responsible for betraying me. But why isn't it beyond you that a man would have sex with another man's wife? What's the general difference? 3
purplesorrow Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 (edited) So we should be correcting a wrong with another wrong? ''Punishing'' the child because of their parents' decisions and mistakes? Any marriage counselor should encourage the adults in the situation to behave like adults, not to accept that the BS has hostile feelings towards the child (who is an innocent party) and assume that the OW will surely find someone else to be a substitute ''father''. Where did I say that? I was agreeing to put ones wants before their child is wrong. I wouldn't want any child abandoned. Edited September 5, 2016 by purplesorrow
gettingstronger Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 But why isn't it beyond you that a man would have sex with another man's wife? What's the general difference? I'm just telling you what I think, I'm not exactly sure why I think it. I speculate that as a woman, I hold women to a higher standard. It's the whole protector of the family thing I guess. Even way back in college, girls didn't even date another's ex boyfriend. We just didn't. Guys, now as midnight said, don't seem to have that same expectation of each other. The only man I hold to that standard is my husband. He failed, miserably I might add. I'm a work in progress and so is my reconciliation. 2
OneLov Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 How can a man be less responsible for the act of intercourse, but equally responsible for the consequences of the act, i.e. the baby from the resulting pregnancy? I do not think anyone would agree the man would have to support the child less because he was less responsible for the conception.
noelle303 Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 I'm just telling you what I think, I'm not exactly sure why I think it. I speculate that as a woman, I hold women to a higher standard. It's the whole protector of the family thing I guess. Even way back in college, girls didn't even date another's ex boyfriend. We just didn't. Guys, now as midnight said, don't seem to have that same expectation of each other. The only man I hold to that standard is my husband. He failed, miserably I might add. I'm a work in progress and so is my reconciliation. I understand that that is how you feel, but it is ultimately an innately sexist concept. Women are a collection of individuals, no different than men. They don't have to be ''protectors of the family'', they don't have to feel a ''sisterhood bond'' with other women, those are pre-concieved notions about women that we don't necessarily have to fall into. We do as humans owe other humans the courtesy to not hurt them, but that is something that is equally apllied to all genders. 3
gettingstronger Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 I understand that that is how you feel, but it is ultimately an innately sexist concept. Women are a collection of individuals, no different than men. They don't have to be ''protectors of the family'', they don't have to feel a ''sisterhood bond'' with other women, those are pre-concieved notions about women that we don't necessarily have to fall into. We do as humans owe other humans the courtesy to not hurt them, but that is something that is equally apllied to all genders. It's definitely sexist. I do believe there's differences between the sexes. But yes, we all owe it to each other not to be harmful. I was just being honest that I'm more surprised when a woman falls short of that goal. I'm sexist in that I believe women to be mentally stronger than men so when they slip up, I tend to be more surprised, for lack of a better word. I'm empathetic to women who blow it, it's not a hate thing, it's more like, come on sister, you're better than that!
gettingstronger Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 And yes, I believe in the sisterhood but if others don't, that's fine with me. I think we're stronger and more effective in numbers. We have unique challenges, many which have been overcome by sticking together. If you don't want the benefits of the sisterhood, that's fine. I like them and they enhance my life.
MidnightBlue1980 Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 It's definitely sexist. I do believe there's differences between the sexes. But yes, we all owe it to each other not to be harmful. I was just being honest that I'm more surprised when a woman falls short of that goal. I'm sexist in that I believe women to be mentally stronger than men so when they slip up, I tend to be more surprised, for lack of a better word. I'm empathetic to women who blow it, it's not a hate thing, it's more like, come on sister, you're better than that! I guess these guys...they all get us at least once with their poor me stories. Many are very good at it. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I am now very mistrustful of men. Unless you are interested in me for a business purpose, keep on walking. 2
gettingstronger Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 I guess these guys...they all get us at least once with their poor me stories. Many are very good at it. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I am now very mistrustful of men. Unless you are interested in me for a business purpose, keep on walking. Exactly! Learn from experience. What else can we do?
road Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 (edited) I find it disgusting that adults would put their needs before a child's. Ever play the game life boat? Not everybody can fit, one has to be left behind. The OC is 1 The marriage saved 1, the family unit saved 2, the COM (children of the marriage) saved 2,3, saved = 5 total saves. Came back to add: Every thing in life has consequences. Some do not matter and some are serious. In the case of an OC being the woman affair partner entered a sexual relationship when there is no contraceptive 100% effective she has no one to blame but herself when an unwanted pregnancy happens. Edited September 5, 2016 by road
noelle303 Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 Came back to add: Every thing in life has consequences. Some do not matter and some are serious. In the case of an OC being the woman affair partner entered a sexual relationship when there is no contraceptive 100% effective she has no one to blame but herself when an unwanted pregnancy happens. Except him (the MM) because he entered the same sexual relationship with her, knowing that there are no 100% effective contraceptive. 50-50 blame distribution. 1
DKT3 Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 Except him (the MM) because he entered the same sexual relationship with her, knowing that there are no 100% effective contraceptive. 50-50 blame distribution. But he holds no responsibility in her marriage....odd stat .89/4 kids born into marriage is not fathered by the husband. Unbelievable, almost 1 out of 4 kids come from infidelity.
MuddyFootprints Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 I think you are misreading your stats or your source is incredible. My quick Google search came up with a 2.5 percentage rate for children born as a result of infidelity. Maybe it's my locality, but mentally going down each classroom row, I even find that stat difficult to believe. 2
ShatteredLady Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 I've heard disturbing statistics about how few kids now live in the same home as their biological father but I've never heard stats like that!! Where do they come from? That's beyond shocking. You're talking USA?
road Posted September 6, 2016 Posted September 6, 2016 Except him (the MM) because he entered the same sexual relationship with her, knowing that there are no 100% effective contraceptive. 50-50 blame distribution. Yes but you conveniently ignore that men do not get pregnant let alone give birth. The worse that can happen is CS. Blame the men all you want. He walks off into the sunset to never have to change a diaper. The preachers of feminist movement ignore this.
Quiet Storm Posted September 6, 2016 Posted September 6, 2016 How? My mm at least has never taken time away from his children to spend with me. I can't speak for all obviously but in my own situation that has never happened A child's world is their home and family unit. It is their anchor in life. The family unit provides them with the stability and structure that they need to grow. Having both biological parents together is optimal because both parents are usually equally invested in the well being of their child. A parent's job is to protect the family. Having an affair puts the family unit at risk. A divorce would turn a child's world upside down. The security that a child needs to thrive is threatened by an affair. Just like it could be threatened by other forms of selfish behavior, such as a parent's addiction, criminal behavior, domestic abuse, etc. In addition, a child views their family unit as special-something to be valued and treasured. Think of a child's drawings, how they play "house", their imaginative stories and made-up songs. A child's thoughts center around their family unit- mom, dad, brother, sister, dog, etc. Their family is so important to them. When a parent has an affair, it's not just disrespectful to the betrayed spouse. It's disrespectful to the entire family. The cheating parent is saying with their actions- my family isn't special enough to be respected and protected- and they're not just leaving the door unlocked, they're inviting the intruder in. This can really affect a child's sense of self worth, not just in childhood, but throughout their entire life. This isn't saying the cheating parent is purposely trying to hurt the child, but that's redundant because the damage is the same. A cheating parent may be confused, starved for affection, misguided, lost, etc., but saying "I didn't mean to hurt them" doesn't change the outcome. Mom may be starved for affection, Dad may be starved for sex- this is not an excuse to rob a child of the stable and nurturing environment that they deserve. When you become a parent, your kids should come first. Their well being should be more important than romantic love, IMO. At least in their formative years. Sure, kids survive divorce, but they have no choice. They have to go on and be strong and make the best of the cards they were dealt. It's sad when kids are the collateral damage on their parents quest for happiness. 1
noelle303 Posted September 6, 2016 Posted September 6, 2016 Yes but you conveniently ignore that men do not get pregnant let alone give birth. The worse that can happen is CS. Blame the men all you want. He walks off into the sunset to never have to change a diaper. The preachers of feminist movement ignore this. Technically, yes. That doesn't make it right. Technically, a woman can walk away from her child too. It's not unheard of.
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