ThisisIt606 Posted September 3, 2016 Posted September 3, 2016 (edited) I've been dating this guy for about a month. He's initiated most dates and we have been intimate. I've asked if we are sexually exclusive and he said yes. He asked me deep questions such as what's important to you? Who would you like to meet that's currently alive to have dinner with? Just more " get to know you questions" Out last date was Wednesday where we went out and he sleep over after. He teases me a lot and sometimes it's hurtful but he says he's joking and likes to see me squirm. When he came over early evening he was really late Bc of traffic. He apologized but smelled like booze. ( he took taxi) He said he was drinking with his friends early and his friends invited him and me ( never met me) out to food with them but the guy I'm dating declined as we already had plans. We had fun at our event and he said how he would like to see me more, thinks about me a lot during the week, etc. I told him I think about him too and would like to see him more. ( looking back I'm wondering if he was drunk saying this?? He didn't act drunk though) We didn't sleep well that night. He sleeps on an angel and I wa exhausted from my long day before so kept telling him to move and pushed him over. When we woke up he said he didn't sleep well and only had a sliver of bed, he said he felt like he was on the edge all night and that he " told you I was too big for your bed". We then cuddled more on the aM and everything seemed fine. I tried to finalize weekene plans as he suggested a movie this weekends when we were out on our date. I said Saturday? And he said how about Sunday since we are both off Monday? ( he works fri- sun) He told me the time he gets out Sunday when I asked. For some reason this seemed a bit off to me, I can't put my finger on it. I just felt unease. I said ok. He said if not a movie there is always something interesting to do. I agreed. He said he would walk me to work and i bought him a coffee on my way which he thanked me for. He gave me a pat not the back in front of my building and I said what's that??? And he said its your work place I don't want to put my tongue down you're throat. So I said ok... And he kinda laughed and gave me a kiss saying I'll see you later That afternoon I texted asked for the pics he took last night. He replied saying he didn't forget and was just waiting till he was off the road. I replied no problem whenever you're ready and he sent them right away. We chatted a bit more, mostly him complaining about traffic, and all he had to do that day. I made a joke and he laughed, asked me a question and then the convo died down after I answered. I texted later referencing something that reminded me of our last date. He said it was really fun and we should go back to that place again. I agreed. I sent him two snaps ( not dirty, one of clothed body shot and one of face) He replied to the first snap right away. He responded with heart emoji eyes and said great legs! I took the 2nd snap about 10 mins later and it took him an hour to view/ reply. He just said " thanks will be dreaming of that" ( the one of my face) I said I'm glad, goodnight and no response... This was Thursday night. Also no word from him at all on Friday. He was working... But still I find it odd. He viewed my snap story around 11pm. Today is Saturday and I sent him a text before he has to be at work asking what he wants to do tomorrow and suggested an activity. Again no response.... He is also at work today. Am I freaking out over nothing? Is he ghosting? Edited September 3, 2016 by ThisisIt606
leogirl876 Posted September 3, 2016 Posted September 3, 2016 It's too soon to tell if he's ghosting. It's only been a day & a half. Give it more time. If it's been a week, then yes, he ghosted.
kendahke Posted September 3, 2016 Posted September 3, 2016 (edited) He teases me a lot and sometimes it's hurtful but he says he's joking and likes to see me squirm. Ok, I haven't read past this, nor will I. This was enough to stop me in my tracks. THIS is a problem, especially this early in the acquaintance process. You don't even know each other and already, he's gaslighting you when you tell him something he's said has hurt your feelings--hell---he's saying hurtful things to someone he doesn't know well at all!!! Then he said he likes to see you squirm? Did he also pull the wings off of moths as a kid? He's a problem and you are doing yourself an extreme disservice by trying to ignore this just because you want a boyfriend and he's on deck. Girl, let him ghost and be glad he's gone. He means you no good. You can do better and you deserve better than this. Know your worth and don't settle for someone who intentionally hurts you, likes hurting you then tells you you're imagining it. Edited September 3, 2016 by kendahke 4
stillafool Posted September 3, 2016 Posted September 3, 2016 Stop texting him so much. It seems you are doing all of the texting. Let him reach out to you. Men like to lead. 1
Author ThisisIt606 Posted September 3, 2016 Author Posted September 3, 2016 He has been doing most of the texting it's just been Thursday that I initiated twice. Friday no one texted and Saturday/ today I texted early AM as I want to plan my day and time for tomorrow since I have a friend's event I have to attend. I wanted to text early so he would have all day to reply and minimal excuses. I don't like to be left hanging. Should I call tonight when I know he's out of work? To confront him? If he's " done" after a month and how he said he thinks about me, wants to see more more on our last date and then going total radio silent... He needs to man up and say something. I demand more respect that his silence
katiegrl Posted September 3, 2016 Posted September 3, 2016 He has been doing most of the texting it's just been Thursday that I initiated twice. Friday no one texted and Saturday/ today I texted early AM as I want to plan my day and time for tomorrow since I have a friend's event I have to attend. I wanted to text early so he would have all day to reply and minimal excuses. I don't like to be left hanging. Should I call tonight when I know he's out of work? To confront him? If he's " done" after a month and how he said he thinks about me, wants to see more more on our last date and then going total radio silent... He needs to man up and say something. **I demand more respect that his silence First off you cannot *demand* respect. You can want, hope and even expect respect, and if you don't feel you are getting it, you simple move on! Graciously, no fanfare. No histrionics.... just let him ghost, you ghost and call it a day. Especially after only a month of dating. Make other plans for tonight.. do not contact him again, you have done enough contacting. The ball is in his court. 2
oasis Posted September 3, 2016 Posted September 3, 2016 Just let him go. There is no dignity in calling someone out, who have made it clear by their actions, that they do not want to be with you. 2
Author ThisisIt606 Posted September 3, 2016 Author Posted September 3, 2016 First off you cannot *demand* respect. You can want, hope and even expect respect, and if you don't feel you are getting it, you simple move on! Graciously, no fanfare. No histrionics.... just let him ghost, you ghost and call it a day. Especially after only a month of dating. Make other plans for tonight.. do not contact him again, you have done enough contacting. The ball is in his court. Our date isn't for tonight. It's for tomorrow night. The point of want to call his to hold him accountable for his actions and not look like he can just toss me aside and I'll graciously take it
katiegrl Posted September 3, 2016 Posted September 3, 2016 Our date isn't for tonight. It's for tomorrow night. The point of want to call his to hold him accountable for his actions and not look like he can just toss me aside and I'll graciously take it Actually, the reality is he *can* do whatever the **** he feels like doing, it is up to YOU as to how you handle that. Your behavior sounds controlling.... I would explore that if I were you, it will push guys away. Huge turn off. You cannot control what he does or doesn't do. You can only control yourself and your response thereto. If you continue to call and *demand* an explanation or 'hold him accountable' you will look like a psycho chick, big mistake! This is not a long term relationship... you have been dating one month! Get a hold of yourself, calm down and see what happens. 3
leogirl876 Posted September 3, 2016 Posted September 3, 2016 Our date isn't for tonight. It's for tomorrow night. The point of want to call his to hold him accountable for his actions and not look like he can just toss me aside and I'll graciously take it NO, don't call him, don't do anything!!! Men don't take too well to a woman yelling and nagging them. Men do better with actions. So, what you can do is make other plans with someone else and if he comes through, say to him that you didn't hear from him and thought the plans were off. Whatever you do, don't call him and bother him. It'll only make you look bad. And I agree with the person above, someone gaslighting you isn't a good thing. I won't go out with guys that mean tease me, because they only get worse and eventually become abusive. That's what he's doing, he's doing a little bit of abuse and it'll only get worse. 2
Author ThisisIt606 Posted September 3, 2016 Author Posted September 3, 2016 He did just text. Suggested an activity tomorrow that isn't very realistic Bc it closes in the afternoon. He gets out in the evening. I also told him my plans for the day tomorrow ( friends event and I'll be getting home at 6) He hasn't responded and it's annoying Bc I can't tell to what degree he's ignoring me Bc he's at work
Lansing Posted September 3, 2016 Posted September 3, 2016 I think you need to worry less. If you really want to know the time/place of each date in advance then tell him that. Just say "hey, I get a bit anxious not knowing when I will see you next, I know it might seem odd but would be great if we can set up an actual time/place" or something lighter than that but don't mention it over text. I think you are waiting for his response so much that you become too dependent on it and are now judging the relationship based on how quickly or slowly he responds. I agree with what katiegrl said, as a guy a girl can sometimes come across as "controlling". Give the guy a chance to make a mistake first before assuming he will already make it. You have already assumed that he won't keep his date plans. If he doesn't have a history of that then why assume it? If he wants to see you after work on Sunday than let him make the plans and figure things out when he gets a chance. You just know that you are busy on Sunday night with him. If you want to plan the date then tell him you will plan the date. But, don't get so worried that there are x number of hours before and you don't know exactly what you are doing. 1
Author ThisisIt606 Posted September 3, 2016 Author Posted September 3, 2016 I haven't actually told him some of the teasing hurts me. I will do that though and see how he responds. Then re-assess from there... I told him my plans for tomorrow and he ended up texting back with a place to meet.
feb87 Posted September 4, 2016 Posted September 4, 2016 I haven't actually told him some of the teasing hurts me. I will do that though and see how he responds. Then re-assess from there... I told him my plans for tomorrow and he ended up texting back with a place to meet. Awesome and good luck. He likely knows he's being hurtful; unfortunately, some men seek out vulnerable women who will be available at the drop of a hat, regardless of how the woman is treated. Do not let him think you are disposable or that you can be his punching bag. You are (we all are) better than that. You deserve a man who can appreciate every part of you, even the potentially neurotic parts, haha. Take it slow. Make sure he wants what you want, and don't let him think he can use you for sex and to make fun of. He does not owe you explanations about why he doesn't text immediately, and I would maybe be a bit more reserved on the social media piece of things in a relationship this early on. As convenient as SnapChat, Facebook, Instagram, etc. can be, they can be real relationship killers. You shouldn't need to feel validated by him because of an image you send him. Let him miss you. Let him WANT to initiate. And, DO. NOT. CALL. He can be sexually exclusive now, three weeks in, but he could disappear tomorrow, so just remember that this early on. Don't give them everything because you feel like you want something you don't have-- a husband? a family? Who knows? Just take some time to get to know yourself and figure out what is triggering your neuroses and your controlling behavior so that it doesn't shoot you in the foot. Sex is temporary and men can get it anywhere. Make it less about the sex and cuddling (sexual exclusivity does not equate relationship) and more about the getting to know each other. He doesn't have to plan around you and he won't want to explore more if you flip out on him over little things. He's human, too. Like you, he's playing the dating game and trying hard not to get hurt. Don't make excuses for your behavior (or his) and maybe reflect on what it is you REALLY want so you can have that. Not everyone finds a Prince Charming, but you just can't find him if you're busy with frogs.
Deidre Posted September 4, 2016 Posted September 4, 2016 I wouldn't date a guy further if he admitted to ''liking to see me squirm.'' I'd let this ghost go. 2
kendahke Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 Our date isn't for tonight. It's for tomorrow night. The point of want to call his to hold him accountable for his actions and not look like he can just toss me aside and I'll graciously take it You can't hold someone accountable to something to which they have no intention on being held accountable. This is just overwrought dramatics. Blocking him and not dealing with him does it just as well and you don't get your hands dirty in the process.
kendahke Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 I wouldn't date a guy further if he admitted to ''liking to see me squirm.'' I'd let this ghost go. it's looking more and more like they are developing a dysfunctional involvement... this isn't going to end well at all... 1
bedwarrior2016 Posted September 6, 2016 Posted September 6, 2016 Ok so here's a great quote: "We could have seen the red flags, but, we were too excited, too lazy, too horny, too something on the excess side which causes temporary blindness. Many people attempt to justify ghosting as an easy and fast way to stop dating someone without hurting their feelings. But in fact, this behaviour proves that the one the ghosts are thinking more of themselves, as it creates more confusion for us (the ghosted) rather than them." (source: http://goo.gl/TcpvY4 - really great article about art of ghosting ) In other words, you tried to believe he's not ghosting, but he was. And it's obvious throughout your entire story. Sorry for that though
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