Getting acquainted with an old friend who got divorced

[Blue31]

I'm in my low 30s and still single. I'm kinda shy at first until I open up with someone with whom I can trust. So here's the story (I know kinda long) but this is a story of the one that got away.

 

There's this girl I really liked back in college that's now in her high 20s. We were good friends the more and more I got to know her and we always had a great time when we were together. She had a boyfriend at that time so I never took the next step to go any further. She moved on to a different college but kept in touch here and there. A few years later she came back and worked for the same company I was with, and we had a blast. She was still with the same boyfriend but everyone could tell I was crazy about her, I even got called into the boss's office about it. But we worked on different projects and I really got to know more about her during that time. She later moved on to a different company and we'd run into each other now and again.

 

Timing is everything in life. It was Labor Day weekend about 7 years ago when a friend of mine ran into her in a bar and told me she was single. I didn't necessarily take him serious though as he was a pot stirring SOB. At that time I was in a fling with another girl that I was crazy about but it ended shortly. It was about 3 weeks afterward she came to visit me at my job, to this day for what I don't know but I think she wanted to get my attention but my head wasn't in the right place I was still with the other girl. After finding out from another friend that she was indeed single I dumped the fling and tried to catchup with her. Texts...phone calls...nothing no response. I was crushed as she starting seeing another guy and things went pretty fast and they married about a year later. I was crushed...heartbroken...kicking myself for what could have been.

 

Throughout the years when she was married I ran into her and she wouldn't even look at me, especially when her husband was with her. We kept no contact anymore. They later had a kid. When I get together with my friends from back then that are all married they always make the point to tell me that I should have been with her and we we're perfect for each other, yeah thanks for reminding me. Everybody knew it but me (at that time).

 

About a 1.5 years ago she took a job at a place that I do some business with. She's waited on me a few times and she was cordial and professional and that's the way I kept it. But I always had the feeling something wasn't right. I like this girl and what made me move on is if she was happy then I was happy for her.

 

About a week ago she waited on me at her job. She was extra friendly it seemed but I was in a hurry and didn't think anything of it. We made the usual small talk a little but then I noticed....no ring. I was on my way about halfway to the door and she continues on and asks what's new in my life. I locked up...I talked to her but she gave me the perfect opportunity to ask how her husband was or how married life was yada yada yada. I blew it and left.

 

It ate at me and ate at me and ate at me. I just didn't know what was going on. I needed to know what was going on but how? Well I know pretty much everyone that works there decently and I had one of her coworkers numbers, so mid week I finally got the courage to call and get the scoop...she's either divorced or close to getting divorced, it's been drug out ordeal. Sounds like he's a real winner. I was heartbroken for her as her friend, she's a good person and I was afraid that was going to happen just cause of who she is. My source did tell me she's been in a few dates but not seeing anyone.

 

Ugh...what to do next. I still had her number. Do I call, do I text, go back to her job and talk to her. Going to her job and trying to strike a conversation up just seemed awkward for both of us. I thought about calling but before I was going to I got so nervous I was shaking. What do I say, what do i do? I decided to text her but I changed numbers from the last time and also couldn't blow my cover on my source so I knew it could be weird getting a text from a random number. I didn't know if she'd respond, but I decided to make it fun and see if she could guess who it was. After failing on the first try it didn't take very long for her to figure out it was me and she seemed exciting...my name was in all capitals with multiple explanation points behind it. We texted for about a hour or so just catching up a little. The whole point of this contact was to build reporie. It didn't take her long to let me know that she's really been busy trying to raise a kid alone. But the conversation ended....just like that and she hasn't gotten back to me. My last text wasn't a question so I don't know, I thought it'd flow into more but it didn't.

 

So now what? Should I text her back but I don't want to come across as too needy? I don't know where's she's at in the healing process. What do I say? What do I do? Hell, do you think she is even interested in me. How long do I wait?

 

It's eating at me. It's killing me. I lost her once, I can't lose her again. I've gone through too much heartache and I can't go through that again. It's constantly on my mind. I got a full time job and own my small business so I'm busy but I can't stop thinking about it. I can't sleep. I can't screw this one up. I lost her 7 years ago basically over Labor Day and here I am in the same spot. Nobody, not any girl I even was in a relationship or even long term relationship makes me feel the way she does. I've become much better at talking to girls and meeting them but this one makes me quiver.

 

People change. I've changed for the better. I'm sure she's changed. But I want to give it a try.

 

Thanks

Edited September 3, 2016 by Blue31

[preraph]

If you have her number, you need to give her a phone call. Tell her you know she's super busy with the baby (this may not be at all a good time to date) but that you think about her and now you're both single, you'd like to see more of her. Ask to take her and the baby somewhere you can talk, not a nice restaurant because of the baby, obviously, but maybe a family type restaurant like a Chili's or something. Don't text. Call. Ask her out on a date. It's the only way she'll know what you're up to. Otherwise, you will be in the friendzone the rest of your life. You did blow that opportunity by not being receptive before, and I'm going to give you a tip because you seem oblivious and lost in your own thoughts: Don't wait for her to volunteer info or secret it from friends. ASK her what's going on. Act interested in her life. Because she has taken the initiative before only to be shot down. And to have a relationship, you've got to ask them about themselves. Good luck.

[Sunkissedpatio]

 

So now what? Should I text her back but I don't want to come across as too needy?

 

 

Ok look, you missed the window of opportunity once and now you are going to again if you get stuck in silly hang-ups like "I don't want to come across too needy"

 

Asking an old friend/romantic interest out is not needy it is opening the door to possibility. You need to muster up courage and just do it. There is nothing needy about asking someone out. If the feeling is not reciprocated it's still not "needy, desperate, or anything of the sort" so get that out of your mind.

 

You mention a phone conversation would make you too nervous, so text her. Tell her you would like to see her sometime and would love to finish your catch-up conversation face to face. Something like "It was so good seeing you the other but not much time to catch up, would you like to grab a (drink, lunch, bite) and have a proper catch-up?"

 

If she doesn't respond then you know the feelings are one-sided at this point. If she doesn't make an effort to make it happen then you have your answer.

 

how old is her kid? baby, toddler or kid?

[Blue31]

I'm not sure what to do. Last week I posted a lengthy story about the one that got away from me but she's now divorced.

 

We were really good friends back in the day, about a decade or so. I've always had feelings for her but because of timing I messed up my opportunity to get her. I think she's always liked me. We've seen each other now and again but she was off limits until a few weeks ago when I ran into her at her job (a place I do regular business) and she was extra friendly with me and I noticed she no longer was wearing a ring.

 

I've texted her a few times since then, at first it went ok, last couple times she's been slow to reply. I know she's busy between work and her kid, and I'm not sure where she stands as far as the divorce is going or if she's ready to date. But I'd like to know.

 

I'd like to ask her out. Only trouble is I only see her at work, at a place I do business and it could be awkward. For one thing she may not be working when I go in there (it's not a place I regularly need to go to) and the environment is whoever is available is the one that helps you...so it's not like you can wait in line at her til.

 

I don't like talking on the phone. I'm not very good at it. I like doing things in person. We didn't talk on the phone when we were friends so it'd be awkward IMO. Also I don't mind texting but Im old fashioned and think that's a chicken way to ask her out.

 

Maybe she isn't interested but I need to know. I can't lose her again. I don't want to rush things at all, I just want to catch up as friends and see where it goes.

 

But I don't know how or what to do. Is it ok to ask her at her job? Should I write a little note and slip it to her at work telling her my intentions and feelings? What should I do!

[preraph]

No, you shouldn't do it at her job. You should either text or call her. And you don't like calling, so that leaves text, but you better be specific and give her an event, a date, and a time and ask for a yes or no or you'll end up getting something vague back or her telling you to call her.

[HillValley]

Just meet up.

 

Go in with your eyes open. You don't know anything about her anymore no matter how well your chats are. She is in a different place in her life so just be open to not coming in with pre-expectations about how compatible you are.

[Ami1uwant]

Give me her number and I'll ask her out...for myself

 

Stop playing games and ask her out.

 

I can relate a bit yo what you are going through. I have had those idiot moment of why didn't I...

 

 

I had met s female in college through friends and we hit it off but she had a BF so I didn't try. When she was available I wasn't. I got to know some stuff about her over this time and found out there was some core differences so long term wasn't going to happen.

[Blue31]

I feel because of my long initial post this situation gets lost in the shuffle and I'm missing out on a number of answers from a lot of people.

 

I realize to get what you want in life you got to go after it. Because of her situation with the divorce and the kid, I'm not sure where she stands. I've never been in that situation so I don't understand. I know she's busy. She may not be ready. She's probably got trust issues, even though I'm an old friend. I don't know whether to massage the situation and possibly get there or go all in and see where it goes. But how do I know, how do I find this out?

 

I'm better at expressing myself in writing. I'm fine in person but again it's not like I run into her or see her outside her job, so there's that. I hate calls. Would I be wrong in putting something in writing say on a piece of paper like an old love letter, take a picture of it, and send it to her? Or is that asking for disaster.

[smackie9]

You are 30 something years old, not 14, time to be a man and just contact her..... ask her if she would be interested in meeting up for a coffee.....You won't know where she stands unless you ask her out. THAT is how it is done. You seriously need to get over this or you will be lonely for the rest of your life.....she is just a person, not the queen of Sheba.

[Blue31]

Well I messed that up so I guess that's that, I'm destined to be single. After fessing up that she is indeed going through a long divorce and as a long lost friend I felt heartbroken for her. I really didn't know what to say. As someone who didn't have a good upbringing that scars me to this day, I was overfilled with emotions.

 

I've known her enough to know her upbringing wasn't the best either, so it pains me to see her going through this in her life. I offered a few words of encouragement and then wrote a whole flood of notes in a text message that I was going to edit except I ended up pressing send. So there I was for her to see, my thoughts, my feelings all in a jumbled mess. I apologized for sending it...but still no response.

 

For a guy that has relationship issues because I'm too mysterious at first, because of my history knowing her I became vulnerable, and said too much.

 

I just want to dig a hole and climb in it now. I destined to be alone. It's so great not having anyone to share your life with, or go to events with, or to vent with. I just want someone to love me for me. I'm not perfect but I'm not a bad person either but nothing ever seems to go my way. I just need time to learn about people do I can trust them and I can be me.

 

So I finally open up to someone, tell them how I feel about them, and why I'm the way I am, and I scare them away.

 

Now what? I've probably just creeped the hell out of her and lost a good friend along the way. I guess there's no going back now.

[Gaeta]

I've known her enough to know her upbringing wasn't the best either, so it pains me to see her going through this in her life. I offered a few words of encouragement and then wrote a whole flood of notes in a text message that I was going to edit except I ended up pressing send. So there I was for her to see, my thoughts, my feelings all in a jumbled mess. I apologized for sending it...but still no response.

 

I know you feel terrible but why don't you just laugh about it. She was going through a long divorce, you and her were doomed from the get go. Get back on your saddle and find someone with an available heart.

 

If I found my someone you can too. It took me a long time and A LOT of failed attempt but when I finally met him he was worth all that trouble.