MEOrtega Posted September 3, 2016 Posted September 3, 2016 Hi all, I wasn't really sure what topic to put this under so I apologize if it's not much related to dating. A few weeks ago boyfriends mom was diagnosed with cancer, leukemia to be exact. It was a big shock to everyone, she's such a good person and it all happened so fast so everyones still taking it pretty hard. My boyfriend and I have been dating a year so naturally I built a relationship with his mother and family so I'm taking this hard too but I'm trying to be strong for my boyfriend. As expected he's not taking it well and it breaks my heart knowing that I can't take away his pain or make his mom all better. It's curable and in an early stage so while that's good news watching her go through everything is so hard. Even when he breaks down in my arms I want to cry so bad but I hold it in, my heart bleeds when I see him like that. But at times he can take out his frustration or anger out on me. I don't mind it, he's not abusive by any means but he tends to yell at me. At first I dealt with it it didn't affect me that much but now I don't know how to cope with it. It's starting to affect me emotionally but I always say i understand because he has a lot on his plate right now with his mom and everything. I love him very much, I will always continue to be his rock through it all. So I guess sort of saying that while he unloads on me I need to somehow cope with that and I don't know how. I guess it's beginning to take its toll on me, I've never been in this type of position before so I'm not sure how to handle some things. I wish there was more I could do for him and his mom. If anyone could help it will be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
TunaCat Posted September 3, 2016 Posted September 3, 2016 Sorry but just because his mom has cancer he does not have a free pass to yell at you. Stop being a doormat about this and tell him you're sorry his mom has cancer, but that's no reason to yell at you. Stand up for yourself & demand better treatment. Personally, I would not put up with a guy taking out his frustrations/sadness etc on me. That is not okay. Your decision to stay & support him throughout this, although noble, frustrates me because you're essentially telling him that the way he's treating you is okay. Yelling is a form of verbal abuse in my opinion, so technically, yes he IS abusing you. 5
basil67 Posted September 3, 2016 Posted September 3, 2016 My husband's mother died of cancer a number of years ago, so I know how much it hurts the one you love. However, as much as my husband hurt, he was never anything but a gentleman to me. As much as your partner is hurting it's no excuse to take out his frustrations on you. And you should not martyr yourself for him. I would strongly suggest you sit him down when all is calm and tell him that you are doing your best for him, however the way he's treating you is unacceptable. If he cares about your feelings, he will be mortified and give himself a kick up the rear end. However, if he doesn't care about your feelings, he will continue to do this to you....and you'll have some thinking to do. And as part of your thoughts, consider if you have children with him and how he would treat children during personal crisis. Remember that life is 10% of what happens to us and 90% of how we react to it. 2
chumly Posted September 3, 2016 Posted September 3, 2016 so sorry about the situation! I was not sure on how to advise but I think I agree with the other 2 posters. He really does not have a right to abuse you due to this sad situation. I have a friend whos moms sadly died of cancer but he did not abuse anybody when the whole situation was going on. I think your bf probably just needs counseling right now I do think it is very nice of you to try and be there for him though and I am glad to hear the type of cancer is curable. Good luck and I hope things get better
Zahara Posted September 3, 2016 Posted September 3, 2016 While he unloads on you, how do you cope?! Don't be a doormat. It's understandable he's under a lot of stress but that does not justify treating you that way. Open your mouth and communicate that you while you understand his situation and want to support him through this difficult time, you will not tolerate being spoken to that way. Don't sit there quiet and take it. You're teaching him that you have zero boundaries. 1
BaileyB Posted September 3, 2016 Posted September 3, 2016 My mom died of cancer a few years ago and it is brutally hard. It puts a strain on relationships like you could not imagine and some people have a very difficult time coping with illness/hospitals/death. I understand how hard it is, but I will agree that it does not mean that he should be allowed to yell or act abusively toward you. Don't allow him to do that. One of the best pieces of advice we received was to "treat each other with kindness." Understand that he is having a difficult time, and give him your love and support - but don't let him hurt you!
Gr8fuln2020 Posted September 3, 2016 Posted September 3, 2016 I agree with everyone. Mother with cancer or no, he doesn't have a free pass on being a dingaling, rude, verbally abusive. Do what you can to be supportive, but DO NOT let him be abusive to you. You need to let him know that it is not acceptable and remove yourself from the situation, if that is required. Be observant. I hope this is not who he is under stressful circumstances. If so, his mother's cancer is not the only thing to look out for.
BaileyB Posted September 3, 2016 Posted September 3, 2016 If anything, pay attention because there are times in life that really show you who someone is... This experience will show you how he handles stress - obviously, not very well. Hopefully, with a little feedback he will change his behavior. But if not, know that there will be more stressful times in life and ask yourself if this is really the life partner you want to have... 1
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