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Feeling distanced from my girlfriend [updated: GF wants a break]

George9

By George9
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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George9 Member

George9

Posted
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We've been together for 5 years now, but haven't lived under one roof together yet.

 

At this point I have started to think about taking this relationship to the next level and start family, but my girlfriend seems to be distanced from me.

 

We started to look for some options to rent or buy a house and seemed like we were on the same boat until one day she made a statement that she would never buy a house together, because it could get her into big trouble with a bank, in case if I dump her.

 

We did not argue or anything, it just came out of nowhere. it really shocked me because our relationship have been built on mutual understanding. We speak out loud about our feelings, personal problems and try to help each other as much as possible.

 

Other things:

 

Lately, I've been feeling that we're really distant from each other not only by location (when we sleep apart in our flats), but also emotionally.

 

Our sex life have been suffering as well. She seems to be not really interested into it. These few times that we have sex, it is always my own intention and very little intimacy from her side. The cause for that could be her extremely busy working day, sometimes she works 14h several days.

 

The last thing is her busysiness, On her day of she would rather make plans with her friends than asking me if I'd like to do something interesting together.

 

I have already mentioned to her that I want to spend more quality time with her, doing things together when she's not deadly tired.

 

She said that she would do her best to do something about it. It's been a while and yes she have put some effort to spend more time with me, but still it feels kind limited and artificial.

 

Once I tried to come up with a topic if we are still looking for an apartment to rent, she said that it's not a good place and time to discuss about it. So I am kind of kind confused with all this ****.

 

I would really appreciate if you could share your thoughts about this and what could I do to make this relationship move forward rathern than to let it die slowly.

Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted
We started to look for some options to rent or buy a house and seemed like we were on the same boat until one day she made a statement that she would never buy a house together, because it could get her into big trouble with a bank, in case if I dump her.

 

Honestly, she sounds sensible in this regard. Buying real estate together exposes each party to risk if a break-up occurs.

 

 

She said that she would do her best to do something about it. It's been a while and yes she have put some effort to spend more time with me, but still it feels kind limited and artificial.

 

Once I tried to come up with a topic if we are still looking for an apartment to rent, she said that it's not a good place and time to discuss about it. So I am kind of kind confused with all this ****.

 

I would really appreciate if you could share your thoughts about this and what could I do to make this relationship move forward rathern than to let it die slowly.

 

It sounds like your relationship meets her needs as is. If that's not the case for you, some obvious choices to make...

 

Mr. Lucky

road Established Member

road

Posted
Posted
Honestly, she sounds sensible in this regard. Buying real estate together exposes each party to risk if a break-up occurs.

 

 

 

It sounds like your relationship meets her needs as is. If that's not the case for you, some obvious choices to make...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

 

Dump her for she is no longer into you and does not want to meet your needs or want the same things in life as you.

  • 1 month later...
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George9 Member

George9

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Lately my relationship with girlfriend been going downwards. First she started to put her friends before me. I talked about it to her that it was unfair, so she put some effort to hang out more with me. However with time things got even worse - at some point we stopped having sex.

 

That time I tried to be patient and waited until she would talk to me about the reason behind it.

 

So, one day she asked me for a break, but still wanted to hangout as friends.

 

Week later we managed to discuss about what was going on in her mind and the conclusion was that she lost intimacy and would like to take a break to think about us and life in general.

 

I accepted that, but not I am not sure if it was the right thing to do.

 

The thing is that we have been together for 4 years, never lived together and see each only 2-3 times a week. So I don't understand how being in "just friends" for a month can fix our relationship? :confused:

Toodaloo Established Member

Toodaloo

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It can't.

 

Its over.

 

She is looking for someone else and has checked out already. She is just taking the break to be sure in her own mind its what she wants.

 

Four years and still only seeing each other twice a week?

 

This has been on the wall for a very long time... you just didn't stop to read it.

 

Sorry about that.

 

Suggest you read about how to get over a break up...

  • Like 4
ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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OP, you need to start preparing yourself for the end.

 

It's coming. She just hasn't the courage to tell you that in those words yet. This break isn't to "fix" anything. It's for her to test out being single.

 

Sorry to say it, but this isn't going to end well for you. She has lost interest.

  • Like 2
Satu Established Member

Satu

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As stated above.

 

Do yourself a favour and just accept that this is the end.

 

If you resist it, or try to 'fight for the relationship,' you'll just cause yourself a lot of pain.

 

 

Take care.

NIGHT1985 Established Member

NIGHT1985

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What everyone else said. When one of my ex's asked for a break, she already was emotionally pushing herself towards someone else, and just wanted to see if things were right before closing me out completely.

 

 

There's really nothing you can do about it's, you just need to take this time to accept that things are over. It's gonna hurt :/

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George9 Member

George9

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What everyone else said. When one of my ex's asked for a break, she already was emotionally pushing herself towards someone else, and just wanted to see if things were right before closing me out completely.

 

 

There's really nothing you can do about it's, you just need to take this time to accept that things are over. It's gonna hurt :/

 

I know that it is not my hands to fix things, the problem is that she wants me to wait the whole month to hear her final thoughts if she wants to break up or give us a second try.

 

I have already accepted the fact that she had lost interest in me and I am ready to deal with it. But letting me wait whole month to make her mind up feels not fair.

central Established Member

central

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A break is usually a precursor to breakup. There are two reasons to call it a break: to ease the guilt of outright breaking up, or to keep you in play while she looks for someone more to her liking. If she doesn't find anyone, she'll reluctantly come back to you - for a while.

 

 

So, unless the "break" comes with strict agreement to not see, date, or have sex with anyone else, it's open season. If you accept this break without such rules, then start looking to date - you'll probably be doing that soon anyway.

BlueIris Established Member

BlueIris

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I know that it is not my hands to fix things, the problem is that she wants me to wait the whole month to hear her final thoughts if she wants to break up or give us a second try.

 

I have already accepted the fact that she had lost interest in me and I am ready to deal with it. But letting me wait whole month to make her mind up feels not fair.

 

You can choose to break up with her. You don't have to wait.

You've been together 4 years and the relationship never progressed beyond seeing each other 2-3 times a week so perhaps you didn't see this as the relationship you wanted to build for your future either?

  • Like 1
keiji Established Member

keiji

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Posted
I know that it is not my hands to fix things, the problem is that she wants me to wait the whole month to hear her final thoughts if she wants to break up or give us a second try.

 

I have already accepted the fact that she had lost interest in me and I am ready to deal with it. But letting me wait whole month to make her mind up feels not fair.

 

Then don't let her make the decision. That's what I would do anyway. "I'm not waiting for you. If you ever make up your mind and decide you want us to give it one more try, let me know. I won't put my life on hold for you or anyone else". I think that's the best course of action. You regain control over the situation and start working on recovering, because honestly, this doesn't look good at all.

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George9 Member

George9

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You can choose to break up with her. You don't have to wait.

You've been together 4 years and the relationship never progressed beyond seeing each other 2-3 times a week so perhaps you didn't see this as the relationship you wanted to build for your future either?

 

I did, but because of her insecurities I've been turned down by several times. But because I love here, I always gave her a second chance with a mindset that at some point of our relationship she will grow out of her chilldhood fears.

 

I have a feeling that our relationship crisis is triggered by her realization that she's been stuck in the past and wants to finally grow up.

kgcolonel Established Member

kgcolonel

Posted
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You can choose to break up with her. You don't have to wait.

You've been together 4 years and the relationship never progressed beyond seeing each other 2-3 times a week so perhaps you didn't see this as the relationship you wanted to build for your future either?

 

This in my opionion is not up for discussion. If she is not willing to abide by the not seeing, talking, dating or sleeping with others, then the decision has been made. Additionally, who knows if she'll abide by these rules even if she agrees to them now.

 

You'll be better off either breaking up with her now or just assuming you're broken up and let her know that.

BlueIris Established Member

BlueIris

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I did, but because of her insecurities I've been turned down by several times. But because I love here, I always gave her a second chance with a mindset that at some point of our relationship she will grow out of her chilldhood fears.

 

I have a feeling that our relationship crisis is triggered by her realization that she's been stuck in the past and wants to finally grow up.

 

Well, she sounds very flawed-- so lesson learned. It sounds as though you will be much better off without her. Find someone who isn't so insecure and immature and who doesn't jerk you around. Call her up and end it today. Go NC so you can process things and move on to a better relationship.

NIGHT1985 Established Member

NIGHT1985

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Sounds like ending it is the best call. Even if that's extremely hard and scary to do. Just gotta look at it like you're already single, at least you get to control when and how things end, more than a lot of people get it. Best of luck to you bud

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George9 Member

George9

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Today I asked her (on facebook) directly if we should break up. She didn't give me any clear answer.

 

However, I told that I have made up my mind about it and only would keep on being in this relationship if she commits to it.

BlueIris Established Member

BlueIris

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Today I asked her (on facebook) directly if we should break up. She didn't give me any clear answer.

 

However, I told that I have made up my mind about it and only would keep on being in this relationship if she commits to it.

 

In what way? engagement? living together?

Satu Established Member

Satu

Posted
Posted
Today I asked her (on facebook) directly if we should break up. She didn't give me any clear answer.

 

However, *I told that I have made up my mind about it and only would keep on being in this relationship if she commits to it.

 

*You should have ended it, but you gave her power over you instead.

 

Pity.

 

She'll keep you on the back burner until Mr New Guy passes the audition.

  • Like 2
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George9 Member

George9

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In what way? engagement? living together?

 

Living together - start a family a guess. I wanted to underline it that I am only interested in serious relationship, otherwise I wouldn't want to waste more time.

 

She also told me that she would rather keep things in doubt, rather hurting my heart. I don't get it.

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George9 Member

George9

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*You should have ended it, but you gave her power over you instead.

 

Pity.

 

She'll keep you on the back burner until Mr New Guy passes the audition.

 

Not really, I was just trying to be nice with her. I've gave a deadline if she won't make her mind up, I would say good bye before she does.

Kamille Established Member

Kamille

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Living together - start a family a guess. I wanted to underline it that I am only interested in serious relationship, otherwise I wouldn't want to waste more time.

 

She also told me that she would rather keep things in doubt, rather hurting my heart. I don't get it.

 

She thinks that keeping things in doubt is a way to avoid hurting you? That's either extremely immature or intentionally manipulative.

 

But she did answer your question. You said you would only stay if she committed to the relationship and she told you she would rather keep thing in doubt.

 

Break up and move on. You deserve someone who will treat you better.

BlueIris Established Member

BlueIris

Posted
Posted
Living together - start a family a guess. I wanted to underline it that I am only interested in serious relationship, otherwise I wouldn't want to waste more time.

 

She also told me that she would rather keep things in doubt, rather hurting my heart. I don't get it.

 

Just break up with her. Go NC.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted
Living together - start a family a guess. I wanted to underline it that I am only interested in serious relationship, otherwise I wouldn't want to waste more time.

 

She also told me that she would rather keep things in doubt, rather hurting my heart. I don't get it.

 

Here's what is likely happening:

 

She has met someone else. But she doesn't know if he feels the same way she does, so she's calling a time-out on your relationship for a while until she knows if the other guy likes her, too. If he does, this break will be permanent. If he doesn't, she will come back to you. She's trying to keep your door open for a reason.

 

Only speculating, but it would explain her "logic."

 

I would just end it completely. You don't deserve to be put on hold, and any woman who would do that is already more or less gone.

  • Like 1
sandylee1 Established Member

sandylee1

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I'm not sure how old you are and her age, but after 5 years I'd be expecting more than just living together. That could be why she's being distant and pulling away, because she doesn't think your serious.

 

She may have proposed the break to give another guy a chance who seems more promising.

 

You may view living together as a commitment, but she may not see it the same way. Although if this is her thinking she should just come out and say it.

 

I proposed a break when my BF didn't seem ready to move to the marriage stage. My intention was to detach and move on during that time.

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