I think my Ex has BPD

[Frozensushi]

Being likened to a big pink balloon cartoon character is I guess not many women's idea of a "joke", especially a woman who is unhappy with her body. Were you in the habit of making such "jokes"?

 

It was an off colored remark. I was being a smarta**. No, I never made any jokes like that about her ever. I constantly told her how beautiful she was. It was in poor taste and I apologized.

 

I've only been in 2 relationships where it became toxic. All my other relationships were great. The women in those relationships were not unstable. Those relationships didn't work out for various reasons that had nothing to do with it being toxic.

[Frozensushi]

Frozen thank you for this, see now we can actually have a meaningful discussion about your interactions with this girl. Thanks for answering my questions.

 

Firstly let me say, you sound like you are a really loving and affectionate guy. That's nice to read.

 

Thank you. I appreciate that! I understand the need for more context concerning subjects like this. Especially when someone like myself, comes to a forum like this and anonymously starts to call out someone who can't defend themselves. It's more constructive to try and see it from both points of view.

 

Having said that, we women are extremely self conscious about our bodies any joke not matter how cute or innocuous eluding to our "jiggly parts" is going to be something we don't ultimately want to hear.

I mean yes, if she were confident enough about her body she could laugh it off or even if she were in the right frame of mind, which it seemed like she was already feeling kind of low about her body so the last thing she wants to hear in that moment is "jiggly" anything.

 

See a situation like that when the whole picture is told does have two sides to it, with two sets of feelings behind each side.

 

Agreed. I should have known better, but I just couldn't resist. I realize that some women are very sensitive about their body. My Ex lost almost all her skin pigment, so she is very pale, which I told her I loved. She was very sad about it, though. She also started to get this weird rash all over her body. I never mentioned it. I wanted to be supportive of her because I knew she was sensitive. I tried to show my attraction to her all the time.

 

I should have just kept my jokes to myself. Lesson learned.

 

Hmm ok, that does sound very extreme. It is possible you thought you were acting fine, and you friends thought you were too but that for her you were out of character, and obviously after a few red bulls and drinks you would be acting a little different. But it sounds like her getting that angry about it is extreme.

She sounds like she had a hard time controlling her emotions at time.

It was very extreme. That's why I was so shocked. She said "Why can't you just act like you do when we are alone? Why couldn't you just sit in a chair and have a conversation with me? You were acting weird, like a child. I was so embarrassed and ashamed."

 

At one point she told me to leave the party, she would get a ride home from someone else. I was shocked. I felt like I had done something seriously bad. I was humiliated. I stayed hoping she would eventually calm down. I avoided her for about 45 minutes. Then she eventually saw me walking out of the bathroom and confronted me. Now she accused me of being "creepy" and I seriously needed to leave. We went to my car so she could get her things and I somehow was able to get her to forgive me. I apologized for embarrassing her in front of all her friends and apologized for acting creepy. Still, the next day she told me she needed space to think.

 

So, things like this were not out of the ordinary for her.

 

But if you are dealing with someone who has trust issues and she is catching you in innocuous lies like that it doesn't bode well for either of you on why that is happening. Why you feel the need to lie to her, and why she feels the need to have to know everything about you because otherwise she doesn't trust you.

 

It was a vicious circle, I agree. I didn't want to be caught in that wheel. Somehow I managed to get in there. Sometimes she didn't believe me when I told her the truth. Example, I played her this song I wrote years ago. She asked me "So who did you write this about?" I told her that it wasn't about anyone, It was a fictional song. She said that she didn't believe me, that the person in the song was real. Just like the song "you're so vain", my song was written about an old flame from my past. She kept pressing it, where then I just eventually had to lie and admit, yes it was written about an ex-girlfriend. She happily accepted that and it never came up again.

 

It sounds like she would go to great extents to get to the bottom of what you were really up to, and that is probably less normal than what the average person would do. But this was also triggered by the fact that you were lying to her about where you were earlier. So what came first?

She does. I told her that I wasn't hanging out the bars anymore (To play music). Then I find out she's been asking around about me. Of course, someone told her they had seen me at the bars. I had not been to any bar for two months. So I get this condescending text accusing me that I lied about that too. This was during our last 2 week space period. I think she was searching high and low for ammunition to use against me.

 

That's not good, her dictating who you can and cannot hang out with...you should never give in to that unless there is legitimate reason for someone to ask that of you.ie an inappropriate friendship with someone of the opposite sex, a person who has sketchy dealings and expects you to also partake etc.

She didn't want me to go out on the town or hang out with certain crowds because, this behavior, according to her, was identical to that of her ex-boyfriend who cheated on her. So it made me feel like she was trying to imply that I would eventually end up cheating on her and go down the same dead-end path her Ex did.

 

She didn't like my friends. At one point she believed I might be cheating on her with a female musician I had been working with. So I could no longer associate with her. Stuff like that. So I just stopped hanging out with everyone. Just easier that way to keep the peace.

 

So how would you enforce boundaries after her back-peddling like that? Her doing that sounds VERY wrong to me.

I didn't. It happened far too often. If I confronted her about it, she'd get very upset, because her new version of the events was the correct one and then tell me to leave. And the two week NC period would occur. So that's why I just started to accept the blame all the time, to avoid it. Unfortunately for me, not standing my ground caused a serious penalty as she would always bring up all those old fights and rub it in my face. Of course, I had no defense because I gave up my rights to any and all defense to avoiding confrontation. I pretty much had no boundaries, very bad.

 

Don't beat yourself up it sounds like she might not even know what she wanted out of you other than a lap dog who was going to cater to her every whim and that is not love that is control.

That's what my mom told me after I confided to her about my relationship. I was just so confused. Nothing was ever good enough for her. I told that to my Ex, she said that's not the first time someone said those words to her, hinting that a few of her Ex's told her that. Knowing I wasn't the first to tell her that didn't surprise me. Thank you for responding, it's appreciated. This is really helping me work through this. It's been a very long year. Maybe now I will finally be able to be happy again.

Edited September 5, 2016 by Frozensushi

[elaine567]

My guess here is that she ended up dating you and then tried to change you into somebody she really wanted.

It is not uncommon behaviour, many people do that.

 

I realise you thought you were smoothing waters but there was some lying going on from your end and no wonder she got upset, people do not like being lied to. It erodes trust.

It seems you lied, got caught out on the lie(s) by her and now it is her fault for having "trust issues" and for investigating when she rightly knew you were lying to her.

Yes, she may have been super sensitive over her ex cheating on her and other women may have given you a pass on the "white lies,"but how could she trust you when you had lied to her?

 

However the lying is a side issue, the main problem as I see it, being she didn't actually like the real you, the one fooling around at the party, the one playing music in bars, the one hanging about in crowds with people she didn't like, and that is when she should have broken it off, instead of trying to change you into someone else. Someone more compatible.

The amazing sex was the glue at the a start, but sex cannot mask basic incompatibility long term. She, like you, was caught up in a maelstrom of emotion but when that waned, she looked at you and didn't really like the real you. She loved the thought of loving you, but the reality didn't fit, hence the need for "space" and distance.

Instead of breaking up there and then, she tried to fit a square peg into a round hole and it just didn't work.

I guess she was miserable and she made you miserable too.

 

Keep up with the NC.

[William]

Folks, after cleaning up a bit of a sidetrack here I'm going to remind everyone of the fine print from the homepage that everyone forgets to read

 

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice.

Opinions posted here are based on each individuals unique experience and while we believe it's common sense and understood that a poster should not form a "diagnosis" based solely on those opinions, we also will not dissuade people from discussing, looking for advice or others personal experiences with a particular issue or disorder as is the case here regarding the topic of BPD. ~T

[Downtown]

She then told me that I was lying.... then I had to prove by going to the Club's Facebook account and show to her the event page proving it was true. She didn't apologize and still thought I was lying.

Frozen, my BPDer exW was absolutely convinced -- during the last two years of our marriage -- that I was making up a new lie every week. Never mind that she could not actually prove that I had lied about anything at all. She had such an intense feeling that I was lying that she was convinced it MUST be true. The result was that, as soon as I explained how her false allegation had no merit, she would immediately substitute another incident that had occurred 10 or 15 years earlier -- so long ago that neither of us could remember what we had actually said then.

 

She... said "I need to get in shape, my body is so jiggly" which I replied to in jest "Maybe I should start calling you Jiggly Puff". It's a creature from Pokemon. She became very upset with me and the entire evening was ruined. I was teasing her.

With my BPDer exW, I never knew what trivial comment or action (real or imagined) would upset her. I could cheer her up with the same old joke I had used on 8 occasions. She would laugh out loud every time. But, then on the 9th time I told that very same joke to tease her, she would be furious and greatly offended.

 

Her two sisters were the same way. Over the years, I saw both of them withdraw in icy silence and not speak to my exW for 3 months because she had teased them with a joke that they had laughed at numerous times before. Of course, I knew not to interfere in their fights. I knew that, in a few months, they would flip in seconds to splitting each other white again.

 

I was at a party having innocent fun. On the way home, she said everyone was talking about me and giving me weird looks. She was so upset she almost broke up with me. She took two weeks of space.

If your exGF has moderate-to-strong BPD traits -- as you suspect -- that unwarranted use of icy withdrawal is to be expected. BPDer relationships are notorious for having lengthy withdrawal periods and multiple breakups. This is the repeated cycle of push-away and pull-back. A BPDfamily survey of 460 such relationships found that about 40% of them experienced at least six breakup/makeup cycles before ending. And 73% had three or more breakup/makeup cycles before finally ending. See "Results" at BPDfamily Breakup/Makeup Poll.

 

...withholding info was out of fear of her getting upset going into "Need space" mode. I always ended up telling her the truth. I was just scared.

It sounds like you were frequently walking on eggshells around your exGF. If she really does exhibit strong BPD traits, that fear of triggering her anger is to be expected. This is why the best-selling BPD book (targeted to the abused partners) is titled, "Stop Walking on Eggshells."

 

But when I tried to work things out with her, she would shut down completely and not listen to reason. I ended up taking the blame always.

If your exGF exhibits strong narcissistic or sociopathic traits, this practice of blaming you for every misfortune likely would have been a deliberate effort to manipulate you. If she is exhibiting strong BPD traits, however, she likely was convinced you were at fault for all of it -- thus "validating" her false self image of always being "The Victim." A BPDer's feelings are frequently so intense that they distort her perception of her partner's intentions and motivations.

 

There would be moments of clarity when she would actually fess up and admit that she over reacted. But then the next day she'd revise the "story" and remove any wrongdoing on her part and lay it all on my shoulders, which I gladly took so I could keep the peace.

Likewise, my BPDer exW sometimes exhibited "moments of clarity," at which times she would acknowledge her wrongdoing. That occurred maybe 6 times during our 15 year marriage. But it had absolutely no lasting effect. Like you say, my exW's perception of events would be revised "the next day."

[Sunkissedpatio]

Thank you. I appreciate that! I understand the need for more context concerning subjects like this. Especially when someone like myself, comes to a forum like this and anonymously starts to call out someone who can't defend themselves. It's more constructive to try and see it from both points of view.

 

I think for your own sanity Frozen, for your own benefit, it does make more sense to flesh out your situation and discuss both sides.

 

Thank for taking the time out to explain things Frozen where you either had misunderstandings, or there were lies involved or irrational unexpected behaviour. Do you know how may stories like what you told are expressed here on this site daily? The kinds of misunderstandings and quibbles like yours are expressed around here pretty much on a daily basis. Read around the forum and see why people break up why people have issues while dating etc. Does that mean all these people are BDP?

 

No, no it doesn't. It means relationships are hard. Relationships are between two people, with two sets of separate life experiences that come together because they were initially attracted by those inexplicable qualities that we find irresistible on a subconscious level that we have absolutely no control over and that are based on our childhood experiences.

 

We come together in love hoping that some of that pain and unfinished business from our childhood will be "fixed" by the one we choose to love.

 

That is a huge misconception we all go into relationships with and we also do it unconsciously. We see signs of potential to heal our past hurt and we proceed with a person thinking they will be the one to "make it all ok" and then when it isn't that way, when we realize our partners are not our parents who didn't come to the crib fast enough when we were crying in the middle of the night, or the teacher who made us feels stupid in front of the entire class we start to lash out and nit pick, sometimes outwardly sometimes underhandedly.

 

I agree with what elaine has been saying, she also mentioned in her previous post that she felt the underlying issue was that your ex probably wasn't as into the relationship and should have left it. In hearing all the things you described now, it really does sound like she was expecting to change you, like she liked you but didn't like aspects of who you were and your life and in her attempts to change that, which of course you resisted as any normal human being would, she became more and more disenchanted with who you actually were vs who she thought she was falling in love with.

 

All the things you described about your lifestyle, your music, your friends, it sounds like she wanted you but the "Frozen light" version of Frozen, if you get what I mean. And that's impossible, not going to happen, and simply not what you or anyone for that matter should be willing to do for anyone else.

 

It sounds like in the end you were both incompatible when it came right down to it.

 

If I may, I'd like to recommend a book to you that was recommended to me a few years ago that I found very interesting and useful and it talks about compatibility how we come together, attachment style and how we can work at staying together...

 

The book is called Wired for Love by Stan Tatkin

 

Again, I have to fully agree with what elaine said here:

 

My guess here is that she ended up dating you and then tried to change you into somebody she really wanted.

It is not uncommon behaviour, many people do that.

 

I realise you thought you were smoothing waters but there was some lying going on from your end and no wonder she got upset, people do not like being lied to. It erodes trust.

It seems you lied, got caught out on the lie(s) by her and now it is her fault for having "trust issues" and for investigating when she rightly knew you were lying to her.

Yes, she may have been super sensitive over her ex cheating on her and other women may have given you a pass on the "white lies,"but how could she trust you when you had lied to her?

 

However the lying is a side issue, the main problem as I see it, being she didn't actually like the real you, the one fooling around at the party, the one playing music in bars, the one hanging about in crowds with people she didn't like, and that is when she should have broken it off, instead of trying to change you into someone else. Someone more compatible.

The amazing sex was the glue at the a start, but sex cannot mask basic incompatibility long term. She, like you, was caught up in a maelstrom of emotion but when that waned, she looked at you and didn't really like the real you. She loved the thought of loving you, but the reality didn't fit, hence the need for "space" and distance.

Instead of breaking up there and then, she tried to fit a square peg into a round hole and it just didn't work.

I guess she was miserable and she made you miserable too.

 

Keep up with the NC.

[Frozensushi]

However the lying is a side issue, the main problem as I see it, being she didn't actually like the real you, the one fooling around at the party, the one playing music in bars, the one hanging about in crowds with people she didn't like, and that is when she should have broken it off, instead of trying to change you into someone else. Someone more compatible.

The amazing sex was the glue at the a start, but sex cannot mask basic incompatibility long term. She, like you, was caught up in a maelstrom of emotion but when that waned, she looked at you and didn't really like the real you. She loved the thought of loving you, but the reality didn't fit, hence the need for "space" and distance.

Instead of breaking up there and then, she tried to fit a square peg into a round hole and it just didn't work.

I guess she was miserable and she made you miserable too.

Keep up with the NC.

 

I agree with you that she didn't want to accept who I am and wanted to change me. It's clear to me now.

 

I remember after a long two week NC, we got back together and she was "in love" with me again. The next day we were outside cuddling on a bench. We were talking about the relationship. I came out and told her that I felt she expected too much from me, that I'm not the person she thought I was. I asked her if this was true. There was this long pause. Then she said, "I guess all those Disney films had a negative effect on my expectations with men, huh?" It was said with a serious tone. I felt like she was vaguely agreeing with me but didn't want to outright admit it.

 

What she said also applied to her past relationship stability. She's bounced from one failed relationship to another since she was in her early 20's. The list is quite extensive. Around 25+ ex-boyfriends?

 

In the final months of our relationship, she periodically asked me why I wanted to be with her, with all her problems and stresses. After listening to all the advice here, I'm starting to wonder if she was fishing for the answers as to why she was with me.

 

All the things you described about your lifestyle, your music, your friends, it sounds like she wanted you but the "Frozen light" version of Frozen, if you get what I mean. And that's impossible, not going to happen, and simply not what you or anyone for that matter should be willing to do for anyone else.

 

It sounds like in the end you were both incompatible when it came right down to it.

 

It's hard to admit and accept but, I think this was the case. She wanted me to be the watered down version of myself. The family man version. Everybody has good and bad days. The days were I was super boyfriend, extra sweet and loving, happy, calm and relaxed, caring for her needs etc, she would say "I wish you could be like *this* all the time." If I was grumpy or having a bad day, it would cause a huge rift because now instead of taking away her stress I was adding to it, which she pointed out all the time.

 

One of the last things she said before she broke up with me was "I fought so hard for this relationship!!". I didn't really understand what she meant until today. I believe now, what she was implying, was that she's been fighting herself. She knew it wasn't right for her, but she kept trying to make it work in her mind.

 

This has helped a lot to get different perspectives. I suppose we both share equal blame for letting it continue as long as it did. :(

 

Thank you both for your thoughts, wisdom, and advice. I will check out the book and am going to stick with NC.

[Frozensushi]

If your exGF has moderate-to-strong BPD traits -- as you suspect -- that unwarranted use of icy withdrawal is to be expected. BPDer relationships are notorious for having lengthy withdrawal periods and multiple breakups. This is the repeated cycle of push-away and pull-back. A BPDfamily survey of 460 such relationships found that about 40% of them experienced at least six breakup/makeup cycles before ending

 

I lost count how many times we broke up over this past year. It was in the teens, that's for sure. The push-away pull-back was so bad. I eventually asked her "Are you getting a thrill from breaking up and getting back together every week?" She told me no, but sometimes I felt she wanted to do it for the makeup sex. Who knows. I just know that it was very hard to handle. I was able to go 1 month of NC, before reaching out and getting back together. That was the longest time we were apart. I hope this time it's indefinite.

 

You meantioned BPD's have an immature mind frame. There was a lot of times I thought my Ex was immature. Below is a verbatim text exchange when she was doing her 2 week "I need space" thing.

 

Ex: I see that you like all kinds of other people's posts on FB but not mine. What kind of game are you playing? I know you get notified whenever I post anything.

Ex: You're not being a nice person to me!!! You must not like me.

Me: Seriously?!?!? Why are you acting like this?

Ex: Because you are acting the way you are.

 

She was upset because I didn't like any of the pictures she posted on Facebook of her having fun at the lake camping. A trip we were supposed to go on together. It's like she doesn't even realize that looking at those photos is painful. Not to mention that's the message I get from her after not hearing from her in 2 weeks.

 

Maybe it's not immature, but to me I found it to be petty. Anyway. Thanks for all the advice and wisdom. I really think I understand why I let myself stay in this toxic relationship for so long. I am going to check out the books you mentioned. Thank you!

[BlueIris]

I lost count how many times we broke up over this past year. It was in the teens, that's for sure. The push-away pull-back was so bad. I eventually asked her "Are you getting a thrill from breaking up and getting back together every week?" She told me no, but sometimes I felt she wanted to do it for the makeup sex. Who knows. I just know that it was very hard to handle. I was able to go 1 month of NC, before reaching out and getting back together. That was the longest time we were apart. I hope this time it's indefinite.

 

That's entirely up to you. Stay NC and never go back.

There was a support group I was in that had this saying: At a certain point we stop being victims and start being volunteers. Don't volunteer!

[Downtown]

I lost count how many times we broke up over this past year. It was in the teens, that's for sure.

Funny you should mention that, Frozen. In the BPDfamily study I cited, they found that nearly a fourth of the BPDer relationships (23%) went through 10 or more complete breakup/makeup cycles BEFORE finally ending for good. As Elaine observed earlier, you would not expect BPDers to desire a breakup because they hate to be alone. That would be true if BPDers had only the abandonment fear.

 

The problem, of course, is that they have a second great fear -- engulfment -- and those two fears lie on opposites ends of the very same spectrum. As I tried to explain earlier, this means that drawing close to a BPDer to reduce her abandonment fear will start triggering her engulfment fear. The result is that she will push you away by starting a fight over absolutely nothing. Hence, the cycle of push-away and pull-back begins anew.

[BlueIris]

Funny you should mention that, Frozen. In the BPDfamily study I cited, they found that nearly a fourth of the BPDer relationships (23%) went through 10 or more complete breakup/makeup cycles BEFORE finally ending for good. As Elaine observed earlier, you would not expect BPDers to desire a breakup because they hate to be alone. That would be true if BPDers had only the abandonment fear.

 

The problem, of course, is that they have a second great fear -- engulfment -- and those two fears lie on opposites ends of the very same spectrum. As I tried to explain earlier, this means that drawing close to a BPDer to reduce her abandonment fear will start triggering her engulfment fear. The result is that she will push you away by starting a fight over absolutely nothing. Hence, the cycle of push-away and pull-back begins anew.

 

What makes those partners keep returning?

 

I don't understand that.

 

It seems that the solution is 100% No Contact, deal with your own emotional fallout and move on to better things.

[Downtown]

What makes those partners keep returning? I don't understand that.

Good question, BlueIris. There are several reasons. One is that, by the time a BPDer has started to lose her infatuation and show her behavioral problems, the partner has already fallen in love with a person he is convinced must be his soul mate (due to the mirroring she did). A second reason is that, because BPDers are able to love (albeit immaturely), the abused partner knows to a certainty that this woman must love him. He therefore mistakenly believes that, if he can only figure out what HE must be doing wrong, he can restore her to that wonderful woman he saw at the beginning.

 

A third reason is that BPDers are so emotionally immature that they exhibit the vulnerability and purity of expression that otherwise is only seen in young children. Hence, in many respects, walking away from a BPDer feels as painful as walking away from a vulnerable child you love. Because BPDers typically have the emotional maturity of a four year old, the BPDer relationship largely transforms into a parent/child relationship after the courtship period ends. I say "largely" transforms because, with an unstable person, almost nothing remains constant from month to month.

 

A fourth reason is that the partners choosing to remain longer than 18 months in these BPDer relationships -- i.e., people like me -- generally are excessive caregivers. That is, they will keep trying to help a loved one even when it is to their great detriment to do so -- and even when they are not really helping.

 

A fifth reason is that these partners -- i.e., the excessive caregivers -- are so highly empathetic that they have very low personal boundaries. This means they become so enmeshed with their loved one (the BPDer) that they no longer see where their own problems/responsibilities/feelings stop and those of the BPDer begin. For this reason, and because it is difficult for anyone to see their own role in this toxicity, the quickest way for this partner to see his own problems usually is to first see the BPDer's role in the toxic relationship. Then, by simple subtraction, he can see what he has been doing wrong (e.g., his enabling behavior).

 

Once the abused partner is able to see that he is not the cause of the BPDer's unhappiness and is incapable of fixing it, he is suddenly freed from the terrible burden of guilt and responsibility that have kept him trapped in the toxic relationship. And once he understands that the toxicity is not something SHE is doing to him but, rather, something they BOTH are doing to each other, he is able to see that his enabling behavior has been harming her, not helping her. At that point, he likely will be able to walk away. This, at least, is my understanding and my experience, BlueIris.

[Frozensushi]

Funny you should mention that, Frozen. In the BPDfamily study I cited, they found that nearly a fourth of the BPDer relationships (23%) went through 10 or more complete breakup/makeup cycles BEFORE finally ending for good.

 

After a while breaking up with her never really felt like a "real" breakup. Even though she told me it was over for good. She'd always come crawling back. I lost count how many times I had to go get my belongings or meet her to exchange our things. Thinking about it now, we are both crazy!

...this means that drawing close to a BPDer to reduce her abandonment fear will start triggering her engulfment fear. The result is that she will push you away by starting a fight over absolutely nothing. Hence, the cycle of push-away and pull-back begins anew.

 

This is something I know all too well. So every time we got back together, she was "extremely" into me. Affectionate, happy, excited, loving etc. But after some time had passed, a week or so usually, she would start becoming distant, not as affectionate, not wanting to see me as much, making excuses for me not to spend the night with her,annoyed by my presence, look of depression on her face. This happened so often, I could actually pinpoint the day and sometimes the hour when her entire demeanor shifted over. She'd sometimes get this attitude, it's hard to explain. Like she was better than me or something, perhaps contempt.

 

That's when it felt like she was on the hunt for something to get upset about. You could take the most mundane thing and she would get triggered by it. These same things almost never triggered her in the Honeymoon phase. This is one of the reasons why I felt like I was losing my mind.

 

A fifth reason is that these partners -- i.e., the excessive caregivers -- are so highly empathetic that they have very low personal boundaries. This means they become so enmeshed with their loved one (the BPDer) that they no longer see where their own problems/responsibilities/feelings stop and those of the BPDer begin. For this reason, and because it is difficult for anyone to see their own role in this toxicity, the quickest way for this partner to see his own problems usually is to first see the BPDer's role in the toxic relationship. Then, by simple subtraction, he can see what he has been doing wrong (e.g., his enabling behavior).

 

My boundaries were nonexistent, I know that for a fact. Her's as well. We both fed off each other's insecurities.

 

I like the term you used "Mirroring". In the beginning, she was like my perfect match. She was the most amazing woman I ever met. I wanted to op the question only weeks after dating.

But over the course of the relationship, it all went away. She was literally a completely different person. I have videos I took of her early on, I recently saw them cleaning out my hard drive. I was blown away by what I saw. That girl on the video, that's the one I fell in love with. That's the woman I was trying desperately to bring back. Where did she go? It really made me incredibly sad that I'll never see her again.

 

It made me wonder if I was really the horrible person she claims me to be. That I am the one who caused this once spirited and happy woman to end up so empty inside.

 

Once the abused partner is able to see that he is not the cause of the BPDer's unhappiness and is incapable of fixing it, he is suddenly freed from the terrible burden of guilt and responsibility that have kept him trapped in the toxic relationship. And once he understands that the toxicity is not something SHE is doing to him but, rather, something they BOTH are doing to each other, he is able to see that his enabling behavior has been harming her, not helping her. At that point, he likely will be able to walk away. This, at least, is my understanding and my experience, BlueIris.

 

Ouch, this really hit home. Like big time. Reading it, my entire relationship with my Ex flashed in my mind. I'm not saying my Ex has BPD or any other mental disorder, but everything you have said hits home. I know there has been some debate about this. I just want to stress that I'm not saying my Ex is suffering from BPD. I'm just pointing out all the coincidences here.

 

All those reasons you mentioned, yes, I went through them, I admit it. I went out of my way to be her caregiver. Nothing I did was good enough. Nothing. After a while, I just kinda went with the flow. The breakups were so hard on me, so everytime we got back together I could feel life being restored to me. Seriously, for those two weeks I wouldn't eat, sleep, was sad all the time. The moment we got back together, I was me again.

 

I see now, that this woman had far too much control over me and my happiness. She knew it too. I know she did. I told her many times how these breakups affected me.

 

I definitely need to end the cycle. I need to face the facts that the girl I fell in love with is gone, that she never existed. I also need to understand, that even though my intentions to help her were sincere and came from a good place, it was actually causing damage. That really hurts to know. I'm glad I do, though. I have a lot of work to do on myself. I hate this! Why me?!?!?!

 

Thanks, Downtown. I have learned so much about myself and what happened to me.

[Protec]

Well, my ex GF had bipolar and there is some similarities there. Lot off Exes, push/pull behaviour etc.

 

And now i have to go to psychotherapy myself. My self-esteem is in pieces. I feel like i was the crazy one and i get panic attacks among people. I was NOT perfect...but i just couldn't let go of her. I still think about her every darn moment.

Edited September 6, 2016 by Protec

[aloneinaz]

Frozen,

 

Everytime I read your posts about what you went through with that ex, I feel like you're talking about my ex from a few years ago. OMG, they could be the same person. It's quite spooky to be honest w/you.

 

My advice having gone through the same thing is to PLEASE block her from any means of contacting you. If you haven't, CHANGE your phone number. You don't want her contacting you or having any means to do so.

 

The quickest way I was able to get my feet back under me again was to do exactly that. NC and out of sight, out of mind. That allowed me to heal and date a couple of months later to regain my self esteem and to allow me to understand while I wasn't perfect in that R/S, the VAST amount of issues where on her and her serious issues.

 

You're breaking an addiction here. You can get addicted to folks like that. In some sick way, you become accustomed to the kaos and love/hate, push pull. Like any addiction, the longer you're away from "the drug", the easier it gets. It really does.

 

The sooner you reach exhaustion in rehashing that failed R/S, the sooner you'll be ready to start the process of dating and hopefully meeting someone healthy to share your life with.

[Frozensushi]

Frozen,

 

Everytime I read your posts about what you went through with that ex, I feel like you're talking about my ex from a few years ago. OMG, they could be the same person. It's quite spooky to be honest w/you.

I'm glad I provided more context. I really didn't want to get too personal with strangers, but I understand now that I needed to. It's amazing that two people who don't know each other went through such similar experiences. I know it's silly to ask, but did we date the same person?

 

I'm kidding!

 

You're breaking an addiction here. You can get addicted to folks like that. In some sick way, you become accustomed to the kaos and love/hate, push pull. Like any addiction, the longer you're away from "the drug", the easier it gets. It really does.

 

The sooner you reach exhaustion in rehashing that failed R/S, the sooner you'll be ready to start the process of dating and hopefully meeting someone healthy to share your life with.

 

I think you're right. I did become accustomed to it. That amazing feeling I get whenever we got back together. It did feel like I was high. I want it right now, I just need a fix. Just kidding.

 

But I have far exceeded the exhaustion point, but I'm still begging for more. The past week I've found myself checking my phone e-mail, social media sites for any shred of activity by her. This is unhealthy behavior on my part. I need to do what everyone on this site keeps saying; Run and never look back.

 

Thanks for the advice and understanding. This thread has been a massive help and resource for me and my recovery.

 

People with that kind of disorder are capable of causing great damage, they will do anything to save face.

 

Walk away and don't look back.

 

It's funny. I feel like I was put through hell, but my Ex thinks she's the victim. She has avoided any responsibility to save face. Just like downtown said, we are both to blame. I need to end the cycle today. I just have to stay strong.

 

Man, what a state I'm in right now. I'm so appreciative of this forum and the extremely intelligent people offering advice here. This place is a godsend. Thank you all.

Edited September 6, 2016 by Frozensushi

[aloneinaz]

I'm glad posting her helps. It REALLY helped me back then as well. That's why I pop in here to try and help/share what I went through.

 

In regards to you checking her social media, staring at your phone, etc? It's a habit and addiction that YOU have to force yourself to say enough! I'm NOT suggesting it's easy, not at all. Just stop thinking about the hot sex that was such a SMALL percent of that R/S and focus on the majority of BS, stress, anxiety, drama and pain you had to endure.

 

I FORCED myself to stay busy through the 2 months of healing. I worked out like crazy to burn the stress/frustration off. When I started dating again, it was really a godsend. This gave my brain something else to think about. Having female companionship and going out for drinks and laughs was very therapeutic and accelerated my healing.

 

I will say that when you meet your next love (that's normal), you're going to go through some issues. It's going to take a while to adjust to normalcy. TO not walk on eggshells or wait for the next blow up or break up. It took me months and months to readjust to my now normal fiance. I simply wasn't use to a calm, normal, healthy relationship void of conflict, drama, mood swings, etc.

 

The majority of woman out there are normal and many can rock our worlds in bed:confused: and in being part of a healthy, loving relationships!

[aloneinaz]

Ex will try and drag the break-up out as long as possible; you are her addiction, she needs your attention, without it she is empty inside.

They are empty without you

All the best to you.

 

In all likelihood, Frozens ex already has someone new or is aggressively looking for his replacement. These folks HATE to be alone due to their low self esteem and horribly low confidence. They NEED someone to help them feel whole and are seeking out that new infatuation phase.

 

My ex got divorced and jumped from guy to guy to guy before meeting me. When we broke for good and I vanished, she was back on a dating site w/in a week of our end. She HATED to be alone. She simply wasn't comfortable in her own skin.

 

When she did reappear to try and get me back 6 months after our break up and hadn't heard a word from me, she had just go out of a R/S she started after me. I only know that because she told me in a long winded email trying to get me to talk to her. Did I mentioned they don't like to be alone?

 

I finally replied no thanks and good luck. I learned later she met another guy, got engaged less than 6 months in and married at a year. Can you say impulsive?

 

I'm sharing that to reinforce the pattern of people who "may" possess BPD traits and to make Frozen away of what's coming. I'm sure he knows this already.

[SoThatHappened]

Breaking up with someone that doesn't show BPD traits can hurt, and sometimes the one scorned will say he/she was crazy!

 

But, if you've ever fallen for someone showing strong BPD traits, you really understand what it's like to just about lose your mind.

 

Frozen, I mirror a lot of advice here stating that you just go NC and work on getting your life back.

 

I don't envy what you'll be going through in the next few months, but if you stay away from her and work on yourself you'll be back to "normal" soon.

 

You're not used to normal right now. It takes a while for the brain to recover from the utter mindf*** you get after being with a BPDer.

 

edit: I'm not saying your ex is a BPDer, just that after being with someone showing those traits is different than being with someone with out the traits.

 

An ex of mine that got me here after searching on how to cope really did a number on me, and she fit every trait to a tee. I've broken up before, but nothing like what I went through with her.

Edited September 6, 2016 by SoThatHappened

[Protec]

Just be careful. They tend to come back. My ex contacted me after little over 1 month of silence and i was too weak and she managed to use me few times.

 

And literally USE. She said all the nice words, did nice things but only to benefit from me. She used me for closeness and for sex. After she got her "dose" off me, i was gone again.

 

I have tried to make sense out of all her behaviour, but i cannot. IT doesn't make any sense to "normal" person. Only thing it does is to drive yourself insane.

 

Also my ex found immeaditely new guys after breakup, as Aloneizas said, these people HATE to be alone. I hate to be alone too, but i don't force myself to find someone immeaditely.

 

But like my ex, she always said "i can be close to anyone or have sex with anyone". They are not emotionally attached to anything. These people don't know love, they don't know how to love. They can say "i love you". But it's momentarily only. They only say it to keep you close to keep you with them.

 

My ex took back her words so many times it was, insane.

 

Just be careful. I wasn't and now i pay the price for my own stupidity.

 

I mean i have broken up before but this is something completely different.

Edited September 7, 2016 by Protec