My BF's is here one week and already having problems!! Help.

[EC]

So for those of you who do not know I was in an LDR for about a year.

 

Well my bf finally moved down closer and switched school to be closer to me and I thought everything was perfect. I thought everything would be paradise. I mean I knew there would be little bumps along the way because we were so used to being apart..but we are hitting speed bumps and he has only been here about a week and a half!

 

Well everything was going great and we have been spending a lot of time with each other. Before when he would come visit he would do little things and I would let them slide because I didn't want to ruin the only time we had together. But now that he has moved down I have been speaking up a lot more about certain habits he has because I know he's not leaving again and he wont know it bothers me unless I say something. We agreed to discuss whatever we had problems with so I have been discussing them and well he thinks I am changing and that I am being bitchy.

 

Then I didn't want him to feel smothered because we were so used to having time apart, so I have been making plans with my friends and leaving him some time to himself so that he wouldn't think now that he moved down I expected him to hang out with me all the time. Well, he got mad when after spending the whole weekend together at the beach I left with my friend to her mothers house for a couple hours. He said that I didn't even invite him and that I didn't want to spend time with him. I explained the above and he felt better but I think really he was upset because he only has me down here now. I mean he has friends down here but for some reason doesn't want to hang out with them.

 

I thought I was doing the right thing by giving him some space?

 

I admit I have been a little snappy but only because I don't like to be controlled and ever since he moved down he has been telling me how to spend my money, how to style my hair, comparing me to his mother and even telling me how to smoke my weed. So I have been standing up for myself and telling him this is my way of doing things. I smoke this way because I like it. I do my hair this way because I like it so don't you tell me how it is because you only have about two inches of hair on your head So don't tell me YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR TALKING ABOUT. He thinks because he is a barber he knows. He doesn't know. Then he compared the way I do my hair to the way his mother does it and said well my mom does it that way and look how pretty her hair is!!! OMG I know!

 

So then this morning he told me he had a really bad dream about me and when I asked what it was he said that I was being really snappy and bitchy and that I was complaining about everything and whining. Then I started acting crazy and doing whatever I wanted and that I told him ' this is my life I do what I want when I want and if you don't like it then you can just leave' and he said he was so mad he broke up with me and then woke up really mad at me????

 

WTF man?? I don't even know what to think right now. I love him so much and we have had really beautiful moments together since he has moved down, but I feel as if something is missing. But then again there's times I look in his eyes and feel as if nothing in the world is missing and we could live together and grow old together so in love.

 

I even heard that song forgot the name that goes " We're just ordinary people, we don't know which way to go, cuz we're ordinary people, maybe we should take it slow. Take it slow oh oho oh". and it made me think.

 

He also has been getting me mad because he keeps saying how much he misses his other friends and being in his other town/school. He says his apartment down here is nothing compared to the one he had and that he is miserable. It makes me feel like crap because I could be living in a rat whole but as long as I was with him i would be happy. So I get offended. Am I too sensitive? I told him he moved down and that I was trying my best to make him happy down here but that he needed to stop the complaining. And then he called me inconsiderate?

 

So yeah guys any advice???

[IhavenoFREAKINclue]

EC....Sometimes you have to take the good with the bad....Question is...Does the Bad out-weigh the good? If so then It might only get worse. You have to knick this in the butt now......You guys are too happy together to have stupid petty things bother you. You should be past that. Maybe your scared now that your relationship is about to grow. I think you got used to not answering to him all the time. Things are different now...Just have to learn to adjust....

[EC]

I know but its so hard. I just wish I knew what he was thinking.

 

I also forgot to mention how mad he was with me.

 

My friend last night mentioned she would be taking a girl trip to the town where my bf just moved from and asked if I wanted to go. When my bf left he had month left in his apartment so his friend, my friends bf moved into his room which is why shes going up there. So I said sure. So when I told him he got all upset and didnt want me to go. He said that why did I need to go now that he wasnt there anymore. I told him that he was going with out me in a month to drop off the apartment key. He said that he never told me I couldnt go with him. And I responded no but you never invited me to go with you either you just made it a point to remind me that you were going to go in a month to drop off a key.

 

What I dont understand is why he flipping out about me going there with my friends? Whats the big deal? But hes flipping out and doesnt want me in tally?

[d'Arthez]

Flipping out to visit his old town, does not bode to well. I don't want to feed any existing doubts and insecurities, but it must have crossed your mind too.

 

The thing is, if the two of you can't maintain healthy communication, things will get only worse as the both of you will lose interest on working on the relationship. Living close together is something completely different than being in a LDR together - you have to deal with more of the realities and less of the dreams. And these realities seem to be widely different from the dreams the two of you had for building a relationship.

 

You can't have it all in a relationship - unless he would have the money to:

a) live wherever the two of you please

b) enough money to pay for his and your friends to live where you please

c) no outside pressures (jobs, school).

And you and he just have to accept the impossibility of everything being in perfect order. He gave some things up - but to acquire other things. To be close to you. Also, it has an impact on his life style. He cannot go AWOL from Thursday to Sunday anymore. And that is something he might not like, and feel a bit of resentment for that.

 

Right now, healthy communication seems hard to maintain. The both of you have issues with each other, but if you keep close to each other's throats, you can't solve a single issue constructively. It seems that you need to take a bit of distance from him.

[EC]

But we have had a year distance. And now that hes here I feel bad if i ask him for some time apart seeing as how he moved down to be closer to me.

 

I think he doesn feel some resentment for moving down and not being able to do the things he used to do but HE KNEW that moving down here. He knew that was going to happen.

 

I think he is having some regrets about moving down and the fact that his apartment is not what he wanted and the fact that we both have jobs and the fact that I am not living on my own anymore but with my family is starting to catch his nerves. I can't go out like before and he cant sleep over all the time like before because I dont live on my own anymore.

 

So he goes to work I go to work we meet up at around 5 for a couple hours and we hang out watching movies at my aunts because we have no where else to go because his apartment is too far. Then he drives the half hour back home to do it all over again. To me thats great, to him its not the college party life that hes used to so I think hes having a really hard time adjusting.

 

I dunno how to make him feel better?

 

And i know about the communicating D arthez but I am communicating too much I think. And he takes my way of communicating as whining or complaining. He says I get mad over the dumbest things. But i told him they might be dumb to you but not to me and thats what he doesnt understand.

[d'Arthez]

You have had a year of distance. With a couple of hundred of miles in between. You could call each other, you could IM but that is just about it. You could not realistically entertain the thought of watching a movie together.

 

But now the distance you need is of a different nature. Spending too much time together, even though it seems natural, can kill a relationship. Communication has become hard. And that is not necessarily too much of communication, but it could also point to a different thing.

Some people are indeed unable to grasp that other people might look at the same thing in a different light (the so called "dumb" issues). Others are simply unwilling to grasp it. If the first is the case, you can't do a thing about it - except for professional help. If the second is the case, you will be fighting a battle to maintain the relationship, and to improve it slowly but surely.

 

As for the resentment: reality is a harsh school. He may have thought it would not be a big deal. It does not mean he actually thinks it is a big deal now. Sure, his life has changed. But he is no little boy of 16 anymore, so he should be able to respond to the new situation in a responsible manner.

 

As long as you don't understand why he is exactly behaving in this way, it is hard to come up with a way to make him feel better, without sacrificing yourself and your integrity.

[totallyconfused]

I can kinda relate to you b/c I have been in a LDR for 4 years. I lived with him for 1 summer and things went a little bit awry, but we're past that.

 

Heres my insight, how much does he mean to you? Relationships require alot of compromise. Give and take. Going from a LDR to living in the same zip code is a huge adjustment (that I have yet to go through w/my bf). I can also relate to your bf about moving, I'm interning in a different city and I hate where I live. Its nothing compared to my old place. Sometimes I feel like my bf isnt being as "considerate" as he could be trying to help me integrate with new my life. I think you have to put yourself into his shoes. He moved "just to be closer to you". Sometimes its a pain to help accomodate someone.

 

You should ask your bf why he is angry with you. And if it really means that much to him, perhaps try to give in this time.

 

As for myself, wanna help help me with my problem now?? heh

[EC]

As long as you don't understand why he is exactly behaving in this way, it is hard to come up with a way to make him feel better, without sacrificing yourself and your integrity.

 

Ditto!! I would feel like before when he was visiting and I was staying quiet about certain things. I can't do that anymore.

 

He manned up and made the decision so he needs to deal with it. But I mean he shouldn't have to 'deal' with it., It shouldve been what he wanted.

 

I would feel like a failure if he regretted moving down and we didnt work out. I would feel as if I couldnt do my job.

 

Lack of money is also and issue but I mean we are working on that but that is very frustrating. And well the sex hasnt been as great either. I feel as if I am just getting f*cked. Theres no emotion in it anymore. He doesnt kiss me during it anymore nor does he do anything affectionate. He just turns me over and goes at it till hes done.

 

Just so many things...but then I lay in his arms at night with my head on his chest and none of it matters. Nothing matters but being there in his arms hearing him say I love you.

[EC]

I can kinda relate to you b/c I have been in a LDR for 4 years. I lived with him for 1 summer and things went a little bit awry, but we're past that.

 

Heres my insight, how much does he mean to you? Relationships require alot of compromise. Give and take. Going from a LDR to living in the same zip code is a huge adjustment (that I have yet to go through w/my bf). I can also relate to your bf about moving, I'm interning in a different city and I hate where I live. Its nothing compared to my old place. Sometimes I feel like my bf isnt being as "considerate" as he could be trying to help me integrate with new my life. I think you have to put yourself into his shoes. He moved "just to be closer to you". Sometimes its a pain to help accommodate someone.

 

You should ask your bf why he is angry with you. And if it really means that much to him, perhaps try to give in this time.

 

As for myself, wanna help help me with my problem now?? heh

 

 

Hey totally confused..lmao thats funny because EC stands for EternallyConfused lol .

 

I know what you mean. And I have tried to accommodate him and I invited him out with my friends and he felt out of place the whole time and eventually put up a wall and spaced out. I tried to reach him but I couldnt. He just wanted to go home to his apartment.

 

I mean I know the adjustment is hard but man. I know he thinks I am a little inconsiderate because he moved down FOR ME so the fact i am complaining about a couple things..I think he feels how can you complain or tell me Im wrong when I MOVED MY WHOLE LIFE FOR YOU.

 

Well yeah you did but that doesnt mean that I will let everything slide because you did that.

[d'Arthez]

Originally posted by EC

Lack of money is also and issue but I mean we are working on that but that is very frustrating. And well the sex hasnt been as great either. I feel as if I am just getting f*cked. Theres no emotion in it anymore. He doesnt kiss me during it anymore nor does he do anything affectionate. He just turns me over and goes at it till hes done.

 

Money problems are a b*tch. Is living near you so much more expensive than living where he lived? Perhaps the both of you have to be a bit more thoughtful about spending money for a while. So that you can still enjoy the good things with each other.

 

Part of the excitement of the LDR and meeting up is gone now, so it will be hard to maintain the same quality of your sex-lifes. You are not a sexual play-toy to satisfy his desires. You certainly have a say in this. But again, if you are not going to communicate about the issue, it will remain the same in all likelihood.

 

If you are not addressing some of the things you described, you will never even get at the root of the problems. Whether that is the stress about living near you, a general difficulty to commiunicate effectively with each other, or an inability to grasp why some things might be an issue for you, remains to be seen.

[moimeme]

I pretty much figured this would happen.

 

1. Before when he would come visit he would do little things and I would let them slide because I didn't want to ruin the only time we had together.

 

Your first mistake. You should have been honest right from day 1. What you have done by 'not wanting to ruin the only time you had together' was, essentially, be dishonest. You owed him the truth then. He thought you had no complaints because you didn't voice any.

 

But now that he has moved down I have been speaking up a lot more about certain habits he has because I know he's not leaving again and he wont know it bothers me unless I say something. We agreed to discuss whatever we had problems with so I have been discussing them and well he thinks I am changing and that I am being bitchy.

 

Well duh. Now you're complaining about things you never complained about before. Of course he thinks you've become bitchy. As for 'communication', too many women think 'to communicate' means to tell someone everything you don't like about them and why and telling them why they need to fly straight. This is NOT 'communication'. This is being bitchy. Guess what? He is who he is. You led him to believe you accepted him as he was and now you're changing the rules. And then you're surprised he's upset????

 

You are doing EXACTLY what men complain women do - you're trying to change him to suit you. You have regarded him as a 'fixer-upper' all along, and now he's here, time to renovate. You were dishonest with him; you should have discussed and resolved your issues with him before he ever moved.

 

Then I didn't want him to feel smothered because we were so used to having time apart, so I have been making plans with my friends and leaving him some time to himself so that he wouldn't think now that he moved down I expected him to hang out with me all the time. Well, he got mad when after spending the whole weekend together at the beach I left with my friend to her mothers house for a couple hours. He said that I didn't even invite him and that I didn't want to spend time with him. I explained the above and he felt better but I think really he was upset because he only has me down here now.

 

Did you discuss not wanting to smother him? Or are you just assuming how he'll feel and then acting on those assumptions? Again, unfair.

I admit I have been a little snappy but only because I don't like to be controlled and ever since he moved down he has been telling me how to spend my money, how to style my hair, comparing me to his mother and even telling me how to smoke my weed.

 

And you are saying this is new behaviour? I'm willing to bet he's always been like this but you let that slide too.

 

So I have been standing up for myself and telling him this is my way of doing things. I smoke this way because I like it. I do my hair this way because I like it so don't you tell me how it is because you only have about two inches of hair on your head So don't tell me YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR TALKING ABOUT. He thinks because he is a barber he knows. He doesn't know. Then he compared the way I do my hair to the way his mother does it and said well my mom does it that way and look how pretty her hair is!!! OMG I know

 

And if this is the way you 'communicate', you two are doomed for sure. This is NOT productive communication at all. Communication is NOT just opening your piehole and letting anything drop out of it. It involves listening and trying to understand the other person's point of view and then negotiating solutions agreeable to you both.

 

you quoted

As long as you don't understand why he is exactly behaving in this way, it is hard to come up with a way to make him feel better, without sacrificing yourself and your integrity.

 

and replied

Ditto!! I would feel like before when he was visiting and I was staying quiet about certain things. I can't do that anymore.

 

Well you should never have allowed him to move down. There was no 'integrity' whatsoever in allowing him to believe all was fine when it wasn't. Essentially, you lied to him then. And now berating him for things he never knew bothered you is also not 'not sacrificing yourself and your integrity'. It's berating him for things he never knew bothered you.

 

He manned up and made the decision so he needs to deal with it. But I mean he shouldn't have to 'deal' with it., It shouldve been what he wanted.

 

Silly fool thought you accepted him for the person he was.

 

And well the sex hasnt been as great either. I feel as if I am just getting f*cked. Theres no emotion in it anymore. He doesnt kiss me during it anymore nor does he do anything affectionate. He just turns me over and goes at it till hes done.

 

Oh ye gods. And how loving is he supposed to feel, exactly, towards someone who led him to believe she loved him just as he was and now is handing him a list of everything about him that is 'unacceptable' and telling him to wise up. Oh yeah, that'll really get the old sparks flying

 

This is EXACTLY what I mean when I say you have to spend time together for a lot of time to know someone. This poor goof thought he had a girlfriend who loved him to bits just as he was and has now been smacked in the face with the proverbial frying pan as EC becomes the 'typical woman' - finding fault with things she never found fault with before.

 

I give it another couple months - if that.

[EC]

Your first mistake. You should have been honest right from day 1. What you have done by 'not wanting to ruin the only time you had together' was, essentially, be dishonest. You owed him the truth then. He thought you had no complaints because you didn't voice any.

 

I agree. But I loved everything about him but not certain habits he had. I thought they were just because of the summer and the time I met him. I did voice my concerns. He told me I had nothing to worry about. Then he would come down and I would voice my concerns and he said I was complaining about dumb things and so I wouldn't "dwell" on it while he was here to not mess up the only time we had together.

 

I did say something. He didn't listen. And I shouldve done something when he didnt listen but that is another mistake.

 

You are doing EXACTLY what men complain women do - you're trying to change him to suit you. You have regarded him as a 'fixer-upper' all along, and now he's here, time to renovate. You were dishonest with him; you should have discussed and resolved your issues with him before he ever moved.

 

The issues we had were because of the distance and you can't really fix thing when your bf is 8 hours away. I had to wait until he moved down in order to really try and fix and save our relationship. Have you ever been in an LDR M???

 

But now that he has moved down we have a whole new set of issues we have to deal with and that is what i am trying to work out.

 

 

And if this is the way you 'communicate', you two are doomed for sure. This is NOT productive communication at all. Communication is NOT just opening your pie hole and letting anything drop out of it. It involves listening and trying to understand the other person's point of view and then negotiating solutions agreeable to you both.

 

Thats not how I communicated. Thats me venting on Loveshack. I shouldve made that clearer. We do communicate the only thing is we don't do it effectively. Because what I am dealing with is the fact that he thinks what I am bringing up is dumb girl problems. When they are not. They are things I dont like and that bother me and he needs to understand that they bother me.

 

 

Well you should never have allowed him to move down. There was no 'integrity' whatsoever in allowing him to believe all was fine when it wasn't. Essentially, you lied to him then. And now berating him for things he never knew bothered you is also not 'not sacrificing yourself and your integrity'. It's berating him for things he never knew bothered you.

 

Allow him to move down believing everything was fine. Everything was not fine and he knew that and he thought by moving down and him being close to me we would fix those problems. Which is what we are trying to do and what I am on LS for.

 

I do love him and I was never dishonest with him. I just didnt know a lot of things because he was so far. I am getting to know him now. Its a very complicated situation which I doubt you would ever understand unless you have been in an LDR and then the guy moved down to be with you. He moved down knowing that we would finally know everything about eachother and exactly who we are and that if we didn't like it we would go our separate ways.

 

This is EXACTLY what I mean when I say you have to spend time together for a lot of time to know someone.

 

No sh*t sherlock. Thats why he moved down. SO that we can spend more than one week together to see if what we have is real.

[moimeme]

I did say something.

 

Well that's not what you said. It's real hard to help when you don't tell the whole story. You specifically said that you didn't tell him.

 

He moved down knowing that we would finally know everything about eachother and exactly who we are and that if we didn't like it we would go our separate ways

 

Well there ya go. This is the 'make it or break it' stage, then. If you both know that's the deal, well, not much you can do except see if you can work out your issues.

 

I have always said that there are two critical elements necessary to a successful long-term relationship. The first is love (defined as respect, caring, etc etc) and the second is that you live together well. You are now getting stuck on the second, as so many couples do. Often it's the deal-breaker. Sometimes it's because both people have absolutes they won't budge over. Other times it's an unwillingness to compromise. If you two can't negotiate these issues successfully then you'll have found out that you're missing the second critical element and will dodge a bullet.

[EC]

Yes exactly. We are in the make it or break it stage. And its really scary and emotionally draining.

 

I just think we both have something special but we still both have a lot to learn. Now whether we can learn together or not is a different story.

 

So guys how can I make him understand that when I tell him something is bothering me he takes it as something is bothering me and not just think ' oh here we go again another dumb girl problem'. Its not girl problems its things that are going to make or break us.

[LonelySoul]

Its not girl problems its things that are going to make or break us.

 

That's what you need to tell him...It's make it or break it, whether he likes it or not.

 

I was in a LDR for 2 years and it sucks but you've gone to far already with letting him slide with certain things, now he thinks you're being bytchy when all along these were things that were bothering you.

 

Finally my bf moved down after that but it was hard...the first I would say 3 months were a nightmare, now it's much better because we've learned to include each other in our lives and communicate a lot better. I almost broke it off but that's not the solution to the problems that was just a way out so I wouldn't get hurt anymore.

 

You'll be fine...these types of issues are no walk in the park just try to communicate that's all.

[tanbark813]

Originally posted by EC

So guys how can I make him understand that when I tell him something is bothering me he takes it as something is bothering me and not just think ' oh here we go again another dumb girl problem'. Its not girl problems its things that are going to make or break us.

 

Going by what you wrote it doesn't sound like things are one-sided. It kind of sounds like neither of you really understand the other. It seems like you brushed off his wanting to be invited out over the weekend just as much as he brushes off your "girl problem" stuff.

[EC]

I mean I dont 'think' I brushed it off. I explained why I didn't invite him out. I told him that I thought he would enjoy some time to himself and that I didnt want him to think I wanted him around 24-7 now that he moved down. I tried hard to make sure he didnt think I didnt want to spend time with him.

 

He said he understood so I hope I didn't come across as if I brushed it off.,

 

Basically the only issues we are having now is the fact that I get offended when he makes little comments about how he hates being here, that his apartment sucks, that he has no money, that theres nothing to do down here like there was over there, that he misses his friends, that he can't wait to go back and visit. And since I omved out and switched jobs I am a little tight with money right now and he gets an allowance everyweek that he can go out and waste but I cant because I have to conserve what little I have.

 

It makes me feel as if hes not enjoying himself down here. Thats he doesnt enjoy the time we spend together?

 

The other issue is the fact that he is trying to control my life a little bit and I dont like it. Telling me how to spend and save my money, telling me how to do my hair. I mean I know he tells me these things to help me but I guess its just the way he says them that makes me feel as if hes trying to control and change instead of help. I need to relay this to him.

 

And then when I say something about the way he says things or about the tally comments that he makes he brushes it of and says its dumb girl problems and that I am just getting mad for nothing.

 

Another poster gave me a good website. One that I thought couldnt help me because we are not married but I can take the same concept into my relationship.

[tanbark813]

Yeah, I can see how the constant complaining would get irritating. Is he working right now?