Am I being overly sensitive?

[GrapeJuice]

Soo...

 

I've been dating this guy for three months and recently he had a birthday so I prepared a surprise for him. I left if for him to find it, his birthday came and went and three days later we were having a conversation about whatever, and he casually shows me a picture on his phone of his surprise gift and says "Special thanks" and continues talking about other things.

 

Little bit hurt but I kind of felt I was being a little bit too egocentric since I can't expect people to react the way I want to so I just let it be.

 

We continued talking and recently he posted a video on facebook where he was snowboarding and it was really cool so I brought it up and said "You know? I would really like to see you snowboard, the video is awesome!" to which he responded:

 

Well you can always watch videos on Facebook.

 

I said sure I will and we continued the conversation. I was just trying to get a little bit more involved in what he likes, not trying to become a pro at snowboarding sponsored by him. Not planning on confronting him but honestly I feel a little bit hurt and a little bit rejected.

[RoseHeart]

Other than those comments and his lack of responses, how has he been so far? Has he been caring in other ways? Has he been insensitive before? I'm just trying to determine if he just doesn't just have a very blunt/aloof way of expressing himself in general.

[smudge21]

I just think he's wired differently to you and probably isn't even realising he's doing any of this. In his mind, everythings fine. So yeah, it probably is mostly down to how you view things. However, if the relationship is expected to grow into something strong and lasting, then you both need to be honest with each other, and that includes things that bother you. People who don't, generally bottle that sh*t up until it explodes at a much later date and larger than it should be.

[ThisisIt606]

For the bday gift was this convo over text when he said " special thanks?" Or in person.

 

In person that's very awkward and distant I think. Over text it also seems a bit removed. I experienced something similar when I wrote my boyfriend a very sweet Valentine's Day card and all he texted was " great card"

 

( we broke up shortly after). Not Bc of that comment but just Bc he was becoming more distant and he no longer wanted to advance the relationship.

 

 

As for the snowboarding comment, telling you to watch videos, I wouldn't take that personally. He was prob just trying to be logical and give you want you wanted to see ( immediate views of him snowboarding on video). Actually going somewhere to see him snowboard would require quite a bit of leg work.

[GrapeJuice]

Other than those comments and his lack of responses, how has he been so far? Has he been caring in other ways? Has he been insensitive before? I'm just trying to determine if he just doesn't just have a very blunt/aloof way of expressing himself in general.

 

He's generally nice and polite. And yeah he has been caring, whenever I need to tell him something, he listens. And just one time he has been insensitive, last year and we stopped dating because I didn't feel like talking to him after that.

 

I just think he's wired differently to you and probably isn't even realising he's doing any of this. In his mind, everythings fine. So yeah, it probably is mostly down to how you view things. However, if the relationship is expected to grow into something strong and lasting, then you both need to be honest with each other, and that includes things that bother you. People who don't, generally bottle that sh*t up until it explodes at a much later date and larger than it should be.

 

No doubt we're different, and maybe you're right, maybe he sees it as normal. I don't plan on fighting with him, or even arguing, but it just leaves me wonder exactly where we stand.

[preraph]

He should have acknowledged your gift the day of or after. He's your bf or you're dating him, so did you not see him on his birthday? If he didn't include you in birthday plans, he's not your bf and may consider you just a casual date among other women he's dating.

[GrapeJuice]

For the bday gift was this convo over text when he said " special thanks?" Or in person.

 

In person that's very awkward and distant I think. Over text it also seems a bit removed. I experienced something similar when I wrote my boyfriend a very sweet Valentine's Day card and all he texted was " great card"

 

( we broke up shortly after). Not Bc of that comment but just Bc he was becoming more distant and he no longer wanted to advance the relationship.

 

 

As for the snowboarding comment, telling you to watch videos, I wouldn't take that personally. He was prob just trying to be logical and give you want you wanted to see ( immediate views of him snowboarding on video). Actually going somewhere to see him snowboard would require quite a bit of leg work.

 

Good point

I know it requires a lot of leg work, but maybe I was expecting to talk a little bit about it. I'm personally not into snowboarding as much as he is but I wouldn't mind listen about it.

 

 

He should have acknowledged your gift the day of or after. He's your bf or you're dating him, so did you not see him on his birthday? If he didn't include you in birthday plans, he's not your bf and may consider you just a casual date among other women he's dating.

 

We did see each other and celebrated. I just didn't say anything about the birthday surprised and waited for him to find it out.

[angel.eyes]

It could just be that he's young or relatively inexperienced on the dating front.

 

How old are you guys?

[gorf]

Snowboarding. Why dont you start smaller and work your way up. I mean, show interest in the small things and ask him what he thinks about you and X Y Z you are into.

 

My point is: he reacted the way I would expect anyone to (bf friend cousin brother whatever) if they didn't even know you liked snow to begin with. See what Im trying to say?

[GrapeJuice]

It could just be that he's young or relatively inexperienced on the dating front.

 

How old are you guys?

He's 34.

 

And maybe, I mean, we've been dating for 3 months but we've known each other for over a year and it hasn't been easy. Not because we fight a lot and have a sad past that prevent us from happiness, but because there have been times were we just don't get each other (cultural differences are hard).

 

In the past we have gone on dates, good ones and bad ones because awkwardness mainly. And when I had enough of it I talked to him and just said 'I don't know how to talk to you', and from that moment on, maybe he realized I liked him because he really started confidently trying.

 

 

Snowboarding. Why dont you start smaller and work your way up. I mean, show interest in the small things and ask him what he thinks about you and X Y Z you are into.

 

My point is: he reacted the way I would expect anyone to (bf friend cousin brother whatever) if they didn't even know you liked snow to begin with. See what Im trying to say?

 

Well he knows I don't practice snowboard. He knows in my country never snows and we both know we are into really different things. For example I play the violin and I'm fluent in french. He doesn't and isn't and when he asked me to show him I didn't reply 'go read a book and watch a youtube video'. On the contrary, harmless curiosity as I know studying french or playing an instrument are not part of his life goals right now. But as he wanted to hear me play or say whatever in french, I feel about him snowboarding.

[gorf]

we both know we are into really different things.

 

Okkk.......so what are you both into? Talk about those things, plan to do those things together. Plan things. What do you two spend time doing together when you are in each-others presence? Can you list 10 things? Every couple has different things they are into, maybe even things that the other would never be interested in. Thats ok.

 

I know your point in creating this thread is because you want to take interest and expand things to share together. But it sounds like, from his point of view, you two are very radically different so he pre-assumes you are asking to sound interested rather than asking because you genuinely are interested.

 

How did you two meet? What attracted you to him?

[angel.eyes]

Since it bothers you, bring it up in passing. Give him the example you gave here.

 

Yes, like you I would find his response off-putting, but I suspect he meant nothing by it, and would be surprised that it's bothering you.

[kendahke]

I said "You know? I would really like to see you snowboard, the video is awesome!" to which he responded:

 

Well you can always watch videos on Facebook.

 

You actually wanted to go with him snowboarding, but that's not what you said. You said you'd like to see him snowboard and the expedient answer was to watch some posted video.

 

He may be a guy that you have to be direct with instead of dropping hints, hoping he picks up on them. Don't be demure--own your voice and speak up for what you want. That's how you get it in an expedient fashion.

[kendahke]

He's 34.

 

And maybe, I mean, we've been dating for 3 months but we've known each other for over a year and it hasn't been easy. Not because we fight a lot and have a sad past that prevent us from happiness, but because there have been times were we just don't get each other (cultural differences are hard).

 

In the past we have gone on dates, good ones and bad ones because awkwardness mainly. And when I had enough of it I talked to him and just said 'I don't know how to talk to you', and from that moment on, maybe he realized I liked him because he really started confidently trying.

 

 

Well he knows I don't practice snowboard. He knows in my country never snows and we both know we are into really different things. For example I play the violin and I'm fluent in french. He doesn't and isn't and when he asked me to show him I didn't reply 'go read a book and watch a youtube video'. On the contrary, harmless curiosity as I know studying french or playing an instrument are not part of his life goals right now. But as he wanted to hear me play or say whatever in french, I feel about him snowboarding.

 

Is it possible that he's sort of Hikikomori?

 

For a 34 year old man to not have a grasp of nuance speaks to some severe social awkwardness that he should have long been grown out of--like when he was 17.

[Miss Peach]

If he's caring for you every other way I would just consider letting it slide. People are not mind readers and if he's normally trying to be a good BF then it was probably more that he didn't understand what you were hinting.

 

The things is, if it's still bothering you after some time, bring it up in a non-confrontational way and give him some info about what you don't want so he can adjust and you two can move on.

[GrapeJuice]

Okkk.......so what are you both into? Talk about those things, plan to do those things together. Plan things. What do you two spend time doing together when you are in each-others presence? Can you list 10 things? Every couple has different things they are into, maybe even things that the other would never be interested in. Thats ok.

 

I know your point in creating this thread is because you want to take interest and expand things to share together. But it sounds like, from his point of view, you two are very radically different so he pre-assumes you are asking to sound interested rather than asking because you genuinely are interested.

 

How did you two meet? What attracted you to him?

 

This is something he hasn’t done, said or hinted in the past and it comes merely from my very own thinking: I am used to american guys and ‘to the american way’ if I can put it like that. I’ve lived the majority of my life in America and I’m used to certain things, and when it comes to dating everyone knows what to look for in order to perceive if that person is into you or not, right?. Now I come to Japan, start experiencing the culture and everything is completely different to what I was used to. Maybe he’s having this ‘am I doing this right?’ feeling as well since I’m not japanese and he has live all his life in Japan. And yeah you do have a point there, japanese girls are that way, they hint. For example: my friend’s boyfriend is japanese, she’s european and last summer she wanted to buy a yukata, so she asked her boyfriend to go along with her, most common thing ever for everyone, right? When she was about to pay, he put out his wallet to pay for the yukata (around $400, 345€, 292£) She of course declined, saying it was too expensive for her to ask him to pay. Common sense, right? The guy later explained to her he felt rejected and told her he didn’t understand why she had asked him to buy her a yukata and at the end wouldn’t let him pay for it. They had been going out less that six months at that time.

 

She and I both found it weird for him to be expecting to pay. I think I can safely say, if anyone new you’re dating pulled that one on you, hey pay for my expensive stuff, would be automatically a deal breaker.

 

And we’re outdoorsy people, we like sports, trips, cooking… we are different but not incompatible.

 

Is it possible that he's sort of Hikikomori?

 

For a 34 year old man to not have a grasp of nuance speaks to some severe social awkwardness that he should have long been grown out of--like when he was 17.

 

Haha he’s really friendly and outgoing, I would doubt him being a hikkikomori! What I’ve noticed and he had told me is that he’s really shy. The first time we went out to dinner, well you know, for a woman to let you know she’s into you is touching, right? So we were talking and having a good time and I was laughing, smiling and touching (not uncontrollably! )his arm and he would look uncomfortable until he told me he felt flattered but I should stop touching him. I said ok, I immediately thought ‘he’s not into me, this is not a date’ and when the bill came, I put out my money, a ‘clear sign’ for him I was just not interested. Funny, huh?

 

Later when he had ‘the talk’ he explained to me he was just shy and then he asked me about ‘splitting the bill’ subject and how we both view things. After that, he never ever let me pay for anything, not even the cheapest of things.

 

If he's caring for you every other way I would just consider letting it slide. People are not mind readers and if he's normally trying to be a good BF then it was probably more that he didn't understand what you were hinting.

 

The things is, if it's still bothering you after some time, bring it up in a non-confrontational way and give him some info about what you don't want so he can adjust and you two can move on.

 

You’re right. Cultural differences are hard and honestly sometimes I forget it must be hard for him too. I don’t like fighting of being confrontational and I really care for him, so whenever I have one of this ‘what?’ episodes I rather take my time and think things through.

 

In this past year including these dating months, he had adjusted some things whenever he noticed them or we talked about points of view. I wonder if I had done the same?