AinTexas Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 This is my first time ever posting in a forum .. and i'm totally lost at the moment. After 16 years of marriage, my husband told me he was done with me and is leaving. He no longer wanted attachments and was tired of being married. Did we have a perfect marriage? No, but I thought there was respect and love. Last year I was in the hospital for a month with a rare form of lung cancer (I am a nonsmoker). Prior to the discovery of the tumor, I was weak and our marriage lacked in some aspects. However, now after surgery -- I am back 100% with more energy than ever. Did he tell me he was unhappy once? No. Should I have seen the signs of a MLC? Yes .. he just lost both of his parents about a year ago, decided to buy a corvette in June, and turned 45 in August. He told me the middle of August he was leaving and moved out on Sunday. Lucky for him, his boss is allowing him use of an extra condo for the next 3 months. He refuses counseling and states he is taking this time to work on himself. However, I just realized during this time he is working on himself -- he has made a friend and they text nonstop. How can he work on himself -- if he has already found an emotional release through this girl (who is about 20 years younger than him). Is there any hope? I am giving him his space and taking this time to try to rebuild me. He claims there has been nothing physical and they are just 'friends'. Any suggestions on how to adjust and how to survive being the one left? We do have a daughter who is 13 and she is taking it pretty rough. I am strong around her, but I am an emotional wreck once I am alone. I have found a divorce support group -- but don't want to give up on our marriage. Is there any turning around from this?? Or should I just realize he has left for good?
Frank13 Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 I'm sorry you are going through this. Do a search here on doing the 180 and follow it.
GorillaTheater Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 For your convenience: " 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. 2. No frequent phone calls. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage. 4. Do not follow him/her around the house. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. 6. Do not ask for help from family members. 7. Do not ask for reassurances. 8. Do not buy gifts. 9. Do not schedule dates together. 10. Do not spy on spouse. 11. Do not say “I Love You”. 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 21. Never lose your cool. 22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic. 23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away. 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 28. Be strong and confident. 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared. 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. 2 things to think about if you do this: 1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it’s the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done — that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That’s not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it’s a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That’s when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior. 2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what’s going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you’re doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing." Do you have friends and family locally that can serve as a support network? 2
SixxChick Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 (edited) For your convenience: " 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. 2. No frequent phone calls. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage. 4. Do not follow him/her around the house. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. 6. Do not ask for help from family members. 7. Do not ask for reassurances. 8. Do not buy gifts. 9. Do not schedule dates together. 10. Do not spy on spouse. 11. Do not say “I Love You”. 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 21. Never lose your cool. 22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic. 23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away. 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 28. Be strong and confident. 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared. 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. 2 things to think about if you do this: 1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it’s the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done — that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That’s not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it’s a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That’s when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior. 2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what’s going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you’re doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing." Do you have friends and family locally that can serve as a support network? This is very valuable advice. And it sounds like it might be counterproductive to who you are as a person, as you say you want to work on saving the marriage. However, when the other person does a 180, you have no choice but to do the same. I'm sorry, but that seems to be the harsh reality when someone wants out and is not amenable to do the work that you are willing to do in an effort to save the relationship. While we search for all of the the gray in the middle, it's simply black and white. I am sorry that you are going through this. I wish you peace. Edited September 2, 2016 by SixxChick 1
Author AinTexas Posted September 3, 2016 Author Posted September 3, 2016 Thank you so much for the replies and the steps. I am really trying hard. He did contact me twice today about our daughter and I just answered very simply. I even waiting a bit before replying so it did not seem like i was watching my phone. Luckily I have friends and family near by and I just joined a divorcecare group which is also for separated couples. This is just such a shock for me -- never thought I would be here in my 40's. What is sad is that he does not even seem like the same person. He says he was miserable for years, but never said anything. I keep replying the past and asking myself what ifs ...
spiderowl Posted September 4, 2016 Posted September 4, 2016 It sounds like he has met someone young and fallen for her somewhat. He is probably in that giddy phase where all is possible and it is all fun and light. He has lost sight of normality for a while. I suspect this is what precipitated his leaving. They may well just be friends because she's not that interested or because she realises he is married. It must hurt a lot and I really feel for you. No-one deserved the kind of pain that happens with sudden changes in a relationship. He may well want to come back once he realises that the relationship with his new friend is not what he wants or that it really is pure fantasy. Unfortunately then you will be faced with a new dilemma. I feel for you. I think the advice others have given is good and the best you can do for yourself at the moment. Despite his behaviour, it does not mean that you are not a wonderful person who deserves so much better. Think of the many wonderful women whose husbands have strayed or left and remember that they were just blindsided too. It is no reflection on them.
Author AinTexas Posted September 4, 2016 Author Posted September 4, 2016 Thank you so much. That is my worse fear at the moment. After all this hurt he has caused -- and he has no remorse. Tomorrow he comes to pick up some furniture (had to rent truck bc you can't haul very much in a corvette) and take my daughter for the rest of the long weekend. We have never slept apart (except for when I was in the hospital) until now. Most of my adult life has been spent with him. But I will be strong tomorrow and I will follow the rules. Thanks for all the advice.
Recommended Posts