Got cheated on, but still love her

[MetalGearSolid]

Honestly speaking, this whole thing kinda scares me. The fact that everything was going fine and we had good communication, but she still cheated, just shows me how incredibly unpredictable relationships are. I know some are going to say, "Well, if everything was fine, you wouldn't be in this position". But that's the point I'm trying to make: At the very least, everything seemed fine to me, it wasn't till I caught her that everything came tumbling down. But I keep thinking, what if I hadn't? What if my future girlfriend/wife is a lot smarter and knows how to hide her tracks? I don't quite know how to put it to words. I just think this incident made it very, very difficult for me to trust a lady again. I always thought there would be some telltale signs that your significant other is cheating (i.e both of you are always arguing, she doesn't talk to you much, etc), but after this, I'm just really afraid to get into a serious relationship.

[Rng]

Something very similar happened with my last R/S ThatsSean. Its been about 2 months since I was cheated on and it still haunts my thoughts. Some days are worse than others, but the good news is that we'll both survive.

 

I put a lot of thought into the fear of trusting someone new, and honestly, someone cheating on me isn't a good enough justification to not trust anyone ever again. Yeah, she betrayed me, she broke my heart and didn't give a damn about the consequences. These things happen and it just means that she was clearly undeserving of my attention anyway. Not all people are equal in the emotional maturity department, so all I think I can do is work on being a better judge of character in the future.

 

I'm trying to learn as much as I can from my situation and make sure that the next one I decide to trust is truly deserving. One part of this is to avoid ignoring the red flags. I ignored many along the way because I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. I won't be making that mistake in the future.

[aloneinaz]

Honestly speaking, this whole thing kinda scares me. The fact that everything was going fine and we had good communication, but she still cheated, just shows me how incredibly unpredictable relationships are. I know some are going to say, "Well, if everything was fine, you wouldn't be in this position". But that's the point I'm trying to make: At the very least, everything seemed fine to me, it wasn't till I caught her that everything came tumbling down. But I keep thinking, what if I hadn't? What if my future girlfriend/wife is a lot smarter and knows how to hide her tracks? I don't quite know how to put it to words. I just think this incident made it very, very difficult for me to trust a lady again. I always thought there would be some telltale signs that your significant other is cheating (i.e both of you are always arguing, she doesn't talk to you much, etc), but after this, I'm just really afraid to get into a serious relationship.

 

Most folks who suddenly find their relationship over from being dumped or cheated on, missed or chose to ignore warning signs. I did in my last R/S. It wasn't till it was over and the shock wore off that I could see them. Some warning signs are subtle while others are more obvious.

 

It's usually after several weeks have past, post break up that the shock and hurt subside enough to think clearly and rationally. You should google "signs your relationship might be over" or "signs your partner is losing interest". Over the years, many folks on this site realized they did in fact miss signs of impending doom.

 

In your case, it's natural to feel like you MAY have trust issues after what you've experienced. You have to make the decision though. You can chose to understand EVERYONE risks their significant other cheating and get back on the horse or live a sad, lonely life by yourself. It's sad but cheating is so common anymore. Ton's of people have been cheated on. It doesn't make it right, but you can chose to understand that it's a risk you take when you're in a relationship and you can't take that it happened to you so personally.

 

As you get older and have more relationships and experience, you toughen up and get thicker skin. You learn to roll w/the punches of relationships. You don't take them THAT seriously, like they are life and death. This way, when one ends and your in your 30's or 40's, you understand to roll w/the punches.

Edited September 7, 2016 by aloneinaz

[MetalGearSolid]

Most folks who suddenly find their relationship over from being dumped or cheated on, missed or chose to ignore warning signs. I did in my last R/S. It wasn't till it was over and the shock wore off that I could see them. Some warning signs are subtle while others are more obvious.

 

It's usually after several weeks have past, post break up that the shock and hurt subside enough to think clearly and rationally. You should google "signs your relationship might be over" or "signs your partner is losing interest". Over the years, many folks on this site realized they did in fact miss signs of impending doom.

 

In your case, it's natural to feel like you MAY have trust issues after what you've experienced. You have to make the decision though. You can chose to understand EVERYONE risks their significant other cheating and get back on the horse or live a sad, lonely life by yourself. It's sad but cheating is so common anymore. Ton's of people have been cheated on. It doesn't make it right, but you can chose to understand that it's a risk you take when you're in a relationship and you can't take that it happened to you so personally.

 

As you get older and have more relationships and experience, you toughen up and get thicker skin. You learn to roll w/the punches of relationships. You don't take them THAT seriously, like they are life and death. This way, when one ends and your in your 30's or 40's, you understand to roll w/the punches.

You and Rng are right in the sense that there were warning signs. For instance, she would be using her phone a lot more often than usual, and she would tell me she would be spending her only off day per week with her "friends" and as such could not accompany me as usual, although her social circle is terribly small and no way can they always conveniently be available the same day she is. But I feel that you should always give your 100% trust in a relationship, else, what's the point of it? Plus, nobody likes being questioned, like "Why are you not spending time with me, who are your friends, etc". If the person is not cheating, this type of questioning and overthinking will only strain the relationship further.

 

I don't know, but if the only way to know if your significant other is cheating is telling yourself, "Well I hope I catch her in the act", then that's really scary, yknow what I mean? Like, what if you didn't manage to catch her in the act? Unfortunately, aloneinaz, you are right: cheating is very common. I've been thinking about it for a while, and while I'm sure I'll find someone else to date soon, I don't know if I will be able to sustain it long-term. I'll just keep thinking she's cheating on me even though everything seems great.

[aloneinaz]

I've been thinking about it for a while, and while I'm sure I'll find someone else to date soon, I don't know if I will be able to sustain it long-term. I'll just keep thinking she's cheating on me even though everything seems great.

 

Again, you can't think this way. Sometimes things just happen. Many cheaters don't do it to INTENTIONALLY hurt their partners in a vindictive way. Some just lose interest in their R/S. It's never ok to cheat vs. simply ending a R/S they are no longer happy in.

 

Life is full of all sorts of risks. Fearing that your next gal will cheat on you too is simply silly. It would like not wanting to ever drive again after a minor car accident because you may be killed in the next one..

 

Let some time go by to settle down and let the hurt feelings ease. Most folks have had a significant other that was less than admirable. You have to shake it off. Pick yourself up and plow forward.

 

You've gained some valuable R/S experience here. You DID see some warning signs. There's usually others too. The fact that she was suddenly not available to spend time w/you could of been your out. You could of told her this situation is not working for you and you want to find someone who values you enough to spend there time w/you. Or, you could see the writing on the wall and ended it with her. I agree, you shouldn't have to spy on them to verify one way or the other. If you're not feeling like you trust them, you shouldn't be with them anymore.

 

Like I said, I chose to ignore FLASHING RED warning signs before my last R/S ended. I should had dumped her MONTHS before. I KNOW why I didn't and trust me, I'll NEVER do that again. It was a valuable learning experience.

[MetalGearSolid]

Again, you can't think this way. Sometimes things just happen. Many cheaters don't do it to INTENTIONALLY hurt their partners in a vindictive way. Some just lose interest in their R/S. It's never ok to cheat vs. simply ending a R/S they are no longer happy in.

 

Life is full of all sorts of risks. Fearing that your next gal will cheat on you too is simply silly. It would like not wanting to ever drive again after a minor car accident because you may be killed in the next one..

 

Let some time go by to settle down and let the hurt feelings ease. Most folks have had a significant other that was less than admirable. You have to shake it off. Pick yourself up and plow forward.

 

You've gained some valuable R/S experience here. You DID see some warning signs. There's usually others too. The fact that she was suddenly not available to spend time w/you could of been your out. You could of told her this situation is not working for you and you want to find someone who values you enough to spend there time w/you. Or, you could see the writing on the wall and ended it with her. I agree, you shouldn't have to spy on them to verify one way or the other. If you're not feeling like you trust them, you shouldn't be with them anymore.

 

Like I said, I chose to ignore FLASHING RED warning signs before my last R/S ended. I should had dumped her MONTHS before. I KNOW why I didn't and trust me, I'll NEVER do that again. It was a valuable learning experience.

I don't want to give up on love, it truly is a very special feeling. Perhaps over time, I'll be as trusting as I used to be. I've been getting a lot better, so there's that. It's just... a part of me still really misses her, regardless of the **** she threw my way. It kills me to think that she and the new guy may actually work out.

 

By the way, this isn't relevant but I thought I'd share: this cute co-worker of mine asked me out to lunch earlier today, which is kinda surprising since I've only known her a total of 3 days. She's also just starting out in the company. I don't love her or anything like that, but it felt great to have a nice meal with someone of the opposite gender for a little while.

[Rng]

Just know you're not the only one dealing with this situation. I had to first get past romanticizing our relationship and only reminiscing about the good times to remember all of the crap I put up with along the way. If someone was unfaithful during the R/S, there was a bigger underlying issue. Ours was that I needed space and she needed constant attention to feel validated.

 

I tried to be that person for her but it got incredibly exhausting and I ended up resenting her because I felt like she had no respect for me, which she obviously didn't in the end. Then, whenever I'd try to have a conversation with her, she'd give me short answers and avoid talking about the real issue at all. That's basically the definition of incompatibility.

 

I not really all that upset that our relationship is over. I'm unhappy with how little it, and myself, meant to her in the end. She was literally just using me the entire time.

[LD1990]

I then met my now 3 year fiance who also was getting over her last R/S. We dated casually for a few months and then realized we had something special. I never looked back.

 

That's awesome, congratulations! Always nice to hear about someone that recovers from a breakup and finds a new partner who makes them forget about the old one.

 

I don't want to give up on love, it truly is a very special feeling. Perhaps over time, I'll be as trusting as I used to be. I've been getting a lot better, so there's that. It's just... a part of me still really misses her, regardless of the **** she threw my way. It kills me to think that she and the new guy may actually work out.

 

By the way, this isn't relevant but I thought I'd share: this cute co-worker of mine asked me out to lunch earlier today, which is kinda surprising since I've only known her a total of 3 days. She's also just starting out in the company. I don't love her or anything like that, but it felt great to have a nice meal with someone of the opposite gender for a little while.

 

As someone whose ex-girlfriend talked to other guys behind his back, I definitely understand that feeling of "will I ever be able to really trust someone again?" Try not to overthink things now, though. Worry about trust and long-term commitments and love when you meet a woman who's worth all that worry. Until then, just enjoy life. You'll be 21 soon, now is the time to date around and find out what you like.

[MetalGearSolid]

I suddenly woke up in the middle of the night, missing the hell out of her, and got so close to contacting her again. Like I said, she really didn't treat me good at all: when I caught her cheating, she was the one mad, she didn't even try comforting me. But I still yearn so much for her that it's downright pathetic.

[Rng]

I suddenly woke up in the middle of the night, missing the hell out of her, and got so close to contacting her again. Like I said, she really didn't treat me good at all: when I caught her cheating, she was the one mad, she didn't even try comforting me. But I still yearn so much for her that it's downright pathetic.

 

I know that feeling man. It sucks all around. My ex did the same crap with me, blaming me for things that weren't my fault, showing no remorse for how she treated me, and generally just being cold. The best I can tell you is to remind yourself that the woman you loved was a ruse, a hoax, or an act. The person you thought she was isn't real. It's a crappy realization to come to, but it's one that will help you through this. Someone who treats you the way she did is undeserving of your time or attention. Stay strong with NC. If I can do it, so can you!

[bubbaganoosh]

I don't want to give up on love,

 

No one say you have to give up on love............just give up on her.

 

Look she lied, cheated, got mad because she got caught, had sex with you while she's seeing some other guy. Look at what I just pointed out to you and you should see a person whose selfish, self centered, thinks only of herself and it should tell you she isn't worth it.

 

Now you could go back to her but I have to tell you that all your going to get is a whole lot of "You ain't seen nothing yet" and get burned to a crisp.

 

If it's me, I walk away and don't bother with her. If she contacts you, tell her to go back to the other guy and stay there.

 

Problem is you treated her like gold and she knew it and she knows that if she wiggles her finger for you to come back, you'll do just that and it will start all over again. Move on and find a better quality girl because this one has none.

[MetalGearSolid]

It's just a shame because she wasn't like this initially. She was the complete package, but it's only like since July did **** start hitting the fan. Indeed, she isn't worth my time. But a part of me still wishes things were different.

[Blanco]

Take comfort in knowing this is who she really is and the girl you "knew" in the first few months of the relationship was merely a facade that she created to snag you.

[MetalGearSolid]

I've been feeling better. Honestly, I'm taking it as more of a learning experience for the both of us. Perhaps we're both equally immature and aren't ready for each other yet. I've begun to accept this as more a part of life, although I still miss her very much. I feel like she cheated because she felt that she wanted to enjoy life more before fully committing, as she knows how incredibly serious I take relationships. Doesn't excuse what she did, but I can sort of understand in a weird way. Still, like I said, I really miss the company, and I'm not sure when someone else better will come around.

[MetalGearSolid]

This may sound incredibly stupid on my part, but I wouldn't be surprised if I were to take her back again in the future, many many years down the road (call me egotistical, but I'm fairly certain I am and will be the only guy in her life to love her that much). As I said, we are both really young right now, and perhaps we need time to experiment with other partners first. Of course, maybe I will find someone better in the coming years, in which case, obviously I'm not going to go back to her. But if fate were to really have it and both of us are unsatisfied with the partners we have next time, who knows? Maybe I'll give it another shot. Most will say that this is extremely stupid, but I think this incident has taught me that there really are a lot of uncertainties in life, and it's not as black-and-white as we think. Once again, I'm not saying I will wait for her, nor do I forgive the cheating. I just want to look at this from a different point of view. What do you guys think?

[marky00]

This may sound incredibly stupid on my part, but I wouldn't be surprised if I were to take her back again in the future, many many years down the road (call me egotistical, but I'm fairly certain I am and will be the only guy in her life to love her that much). As I said, we are both really young right now, and perhaps we need time to experiment with other partners first. Of course, maybe I will find someone better in the coming years, in which case, obviously I'm not going to go back to her. But if fate were to really have it and both of us are unsatisfied with the partners we have next time, who knows? Maybe I'll give it another shot. Most will say that this is extremely stupid, but I think this incident has taught me that there really are a lot of uncertainties in life, and it's not as black-and-white as we think. Once again, I'm not saying I will wait for her, nor do I forgive the cheating. I just want to look at this from a different point of view. What do you guys think?

 

With that attitude and allowing enough time to pass, it could work, who knows.

[Blanco]

You're 20 and you dated for less than a year. You'll barely remember her name in a few years, let alone have any interest in dating her again.

[MetalGearSolid]

Just a quick update: her mum and I still keep in contact, and she told me my ex's boss is very unhappy with her, and is probably going to fire her. Her boss even interviewed someone yesterday, probably to replace my ex. Ex's mum told me that, if my ex gets fired, she wants to bring her back to their country (my ex isn't from around here). It's kinda bittersweet to me, yeah she's a bitch, but a part of me still feels a lil bad for her.

[LD1990]

Sounds like she's about as good an employee as she is a girlfriend. If you really want to move on, you'll have to stop talking to her mother. Keeping in touch with an ex's family is pointless and just holds you back, as you're bound to hear updates about your ex's life.

[MetalGearSolid]

Sounds like she's about as good an employee as she is a girlfriend. If you really want to move on, you'll have to stop talking to her mother. Keeping in touch with an ex's family is pointless and just holds you back, as you're bound to hear updates about your ex's life.

I've done a lot of thinking today, and I believe I've mostly recovered. Now, whenever I think of her, it's just "Good riddance". Thinking about all the **** she put me through made me realise that this squeeze definitely isn't worth it. I'm very sure I'll hear from her again in the future, and I can't wait for that day, because I just want to put her through the same **** she put me through.

 

Work has been great so far; my teammates are extremely nice people, one of whom is the girl I mentioned in a previous post, who asked me out to lunch that day. I'm starting to warm up to them, especially the lady as we're now close enough to be able to joke around with each other, and I am actually looking forward to work. For once, I see life much clearer than I ever did. I'm young, and it's time for me to really live my life, and not get held back by a dumb broad.

[aloneinaz]

I've done a lot of thinking today, and I believe I've mostly recovered. Now, whenever I think of her, it's just "Good riddance". Thinking about all the **** she put me through made me realise that this squeeze definitely isn't worth it.

 

This is good. You've reached the anger stage. You're recognizing your self worth and refuse to let her rejection impact you any longer! Rejection is a part life. Everyone gets rejected. We can't take it so personally.

 

I'm very sure I'll hear from her again in the future, and I can't wait for that day, because I just want to put her through the same **** she put me through.

 

You need to change that thinking. We all fantasize about a dumper reappearing, looking for another chance. We then get to tell them to drop dead. Don't count on hearing from her again. If you did, she should receive no reply. Simply ignore her. It means she's not worth your time to reply and she'll take the hint to not bother you again.

As time passes, you simply won't care about her, if she contacted you again, etc. You'll have gotten over it and moved onto some new gal.

 

I got dumped once in my life by a damaged woman that I really loved. I VANISHED from her life after we ended. She never heard from me again. I healed, moved on and met my now fiance several months later. This ex reappeared 6 months after ending it w/me. She chased and begged me to give her another chance. I didn't reply to her. She kept trying through email. My gal then suggested a short reply saying I moved on and don't contact me again which I did do.

 

How did that feel? Not nearly as awesome as I thought it would. Why? Cause I didn't care anymore. I was over it. The passing of time had allowed me to clearly see how horrible that R/S and I was glad it was behind me.

[LD1990]

How did that feel? Not nearly as awesome as I thought it would. Why? Cause I didn't care anymore. I was over it. The passing of time had allowed me to clearly see how horrible that R/S and I was glad it was behind me.

 

I had a somewhat similar experience. After my bad breakup, I told myself that she was going to try to get in contact with me again, and when she did, I'd ignore it and feel great, because I'd know she had been thinking about me.

 

She texted me a couple months after the breakup, then called a couple weeks after that and left me a voicemail. I ignored her both times. She wasn't trying to get me back as far as I can tell, but I really don't know nor care what she wanted. The funny thing was after all these thoughts of how great I'd feel to know she had cracked and contacted me, I really didn't feel any better at all when it happened.

[aloneinaz]

I had a somewhat similar experience. After my bad breakup, I told myself that she was going to try to get in contact with me again, and when she did, I'd ignore it and feel great, because I'd know she had been thinking about me.

 

She texted me a couple months after the breakup, then called a couple weeks after that and left me a voicemail. I ignored her both times. She wasn't trying to get me back as far as I can tell, but I really don't know nor care what she wanted. The funny thing was after all these thoughts of how great I'd feel to know she had cracked and contacted me, I really didn't feel any better at all when it happened.

 

I've read that a lot of people feel this way and we both confirm it. I reinforced w/myself for the first couple of months that I'd NEVER go out w/that ex again. I was done. Even though I missed the nice version of her, it was rare that she'd been nice after the honeymoon phase.

 

I'm a believer that most dumpees who are missing the ex that dumped them are actually not missing THAT person. What they are missing is the companionship, intimacy and the someone special in their lives. There's a sudden hole in their lives and they have to break the habit of being in contact w/that person.

 

That's why I'm an advocate of getting back on the dating horse when you over the majority of the pain and hurt after a couple of months have passed. Everyone over 20 is usually at some stage of getting over their last R/S. Some are further down the road than others. Meeting the next person who you really like, connect with and date helps fully close that last R/S chapter.

 

At least, that's been my experience.

[MetalGearSolid]

I only wished I was this strong/smart the moment I found out. I should have just walked out and went home that night, not try to comfort her and still cling by her side, letting her lead me on. Cheaters don't deserve any respect. Good luck to the new guy, because once the honeymoon phase is over, I don't know if he'll be able to take her nonsense like I once could.

[MetalGearSolid]

Hi everyone, I recently broke up with my ex about a month ago (I made a post going into more detail about the cheating c*nt, which can be found here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/593581-got-cheated-but-still-love-her). Naturally, I unfollowed her on all social media, but didn't block her. I guess a part of me wants her to see how better my life is without her.

 

Anyway, I've been uploading a lot using Instagram's new Stories feature, which is basically a copy of Snapchat, for those unaware. You can post videos of your life, and it will be gone by 24 hours. More importantly, you can see who has viewed your Stories, and every video of mine has been viewed by my ex. She even liked a photo I recently uploaded post-breakup.

 

I know some are going to tell me to just completely block her and not think too much into it, but I'm honestly mostly healed at this point, and in no way do I want her back after what she did. I'm just genuinely curious why she, the one who cheated & basically treated me like **** in the weeks leading up to the breakup, would still want to follow me on social media.