MetalGearSolid Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 I'm 20 this year, and I've seen my fair share of ladies in my time. However, none interested me till she came along. She's funny, beautiful, and just unlike any woman I've ever met. We got together and have been so for 8 months. I cannot tell you how much I love her; I would honestly do anything for her. Recently I caught her cheating. After asking why, she told me that I did treat her very well, and not once was she unhappy. That confuses me even more, since cheating always happens for a reason. Whenever she needed me to protect her (her workplace used to have a lot of perverts), I would always take time off my schedule to take the 1 hour commute to be there for her. I always got her gifts, and even told her how much I loved her pretty much everyday. So, why did she cheat? I may never know. Anyway, the weird thing is, I met up with her a couple of times after the breakup, and it was as normal: we joked around, hugged, kissed, and even partook in sexual activity (she's still seeing the other guy, by the way). I do genuinely feel that she still loves me deeply. I just don't know what to do, and how to cope. I've stopped contacting her just today to give both of us some air. I'm utterly devastated that this happened; I've been sleeping a lot more, and just overall more depressed. I keep thinking about why she did it, is she happier with the new guy, and if she will ever forget about me. I know I'm young and I'll definitely meet someone else, it's just that I don't know how long it will be till then. I'm particular about the women I date (which is why this is my first relationship in my 20 years of existence), and I fear being alone. It's just... nobody has ever made me laugh and feel so comfortable like she can. What do you guys think about my crazy situation? And how should I get over this?
Heartsalone Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 Men/women cheat on their partner for a whole host of reasons..only she will ever know why she done it but will never tell you the truth. Most people cheat and regret it almost instantly. I have done it when i was your age was a kiss in a club...after i had phoned my woman to come meet me and told her how much i missed her..she came in and caught me kissing some other girl who i was actually trying to set up with my friend at the time lol Your young enough and smart enough to know that these things happen people are trying to find out 'who' they are and do stupid things. Your best bet is to get out with your mates and have some fun yourself dont get too hung up on one girl because there is plenty of time to settle down when you find out 'who' you are! Good luck buddy 1
Author MetalGearSolid Posted September 2, 2016 Author Posted September 2, 2016 Should I keep in contact with her? Or even perhaps get back with her many years down the road? I'm just wound up on what could have been. I'm afraid I'll never meet anybody like her. 1
Heartsalone Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 Write down what you like about her/dislike and see how that works out? Is the juice really worth the squeeze? Shes been with you since she got with the new man..that tells a story in itself...go you out and do the same as you said you can get your fair share so be happy in yourself
aloneinaz Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 My friend, you said it at the beginning of your post. YOU'RE YOUNG. You need to have many different dating, GF experiences in your life. It's sad to say but sometimes both guys and gals can be "too nice" and do too much for the other person in our life's. What that can cause is (some) partners to become bored and look for something different, a little more of a challenge to mix it up with, especially when we're young. Right now, you're being what is lovingly referred to as a doormat. She has you wrapped around her finger. She snaps, are you come running. She's having her cake (her current guy) and is eating it too (you). Now, the harsh reality is the majority of people who have strong self worth and esteem would tell someone who cheated on them to F-off. Cheating is a deal breaker for the vast majority of folks in a relationship. This now ex of yours is a real POS by her low character behavior. Personally, I wouldn't stroke her ego for one more second. I'd disappear from her like a fart in the wind. Block her on your phone and social media. Heal from it and go out and date and have fun. You're only young once. Capitalize on it. 2
Zahara Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 (edited) Should I keep in contact with her? Or even perhaps get back with her many years down the road? I'm just wound up on what could have been. I'm afraid I'll never meet anybody like her. Seeing how emotionally entangled and affected you are by her, the best thing for you to do is to cut contact. When you're in a situation like this, hope comes in the form of thoughts such as rekindling or getting back with someone years from now. It's because we fear letting go and the thought of never having them in our lives, and that is daunting. Finality is frightening. So, that statement is unrealistic because so much can happen in the many years down the road and you may even realize that she was not the end all be all. It's normal to feel wound up about what could have been but focus on reality and not what you envisioned it to be in YOUR head. If it was as great, you wouldn't be where you are. Don't limit yourself to the bold. You're going to experience life in many forms and likely even get in many relationships and possibly get your heart broken a few more times. You're in an emotional fog right now and can't see much ahead of you but trust that the decades of your life aren't going to be dictated on a woman you were with for 8 months. Edited September 2, 2016 by Zahara 2
kgcolonel Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 Do not keep in contact....if she becomes interested, she'll let you know however responding to her messages, answering her calls, being "there" to protect her are only breadcrumbs....she not only betrayed you, but chose the OM....you are young. Doing the above is not enticing to her at all....make yourself strong and independent....do not make yourself available at all....focus on moving on.
BluesPower Posted September 3, 2016 Posted September 3, 2016 Brother let me help you out. Do not ever "Love" a cheater. From now till the day you die, if you find out your woman is cheating, dump her that day. I am much older that you, and I wish someone had told me this when I was 20. As a matter of fact, if a chick has any serious mental or emotional issues, dump her when you find out. It is never, ever worth the trouble and heartache... 3
Author MetalGearSolid Posted September 3, 2016 Author Posted September 3, 2016 Thanks everybody for the advice. I'm aware that getting back with her again is a terrible idea, no matter how much I do care about her. It's just been very hard for me to cope. She is my first love/heartbreak after all. Everyday I just yearn to talk to her again and go back to the old days. I've been extremely tempted as well to keep our relationship a friends-with-benefits kind of deal, but I'm also pretty sure this in no way will help me emotionally. How do I move on when I all want to do is talk to her and meet up with her again? Even after all of this nonsense, a part of me still really loves her.
Zahara Posted September 3, 2016 Posted September 3, 2016 Thanks everybody for the advice. I'm aware that getting back with her again is a terrible idea, no matter how much I do care about her. It's just been very hard for me to cope. She is my first love/heartbreak after all. Everyday I just yearn to talk to her again and go back to the old days. I've been extremely tempted as well to keep our relationship a friends-with-benefits kind of deal, but I'm also pretty sure this in no way will help me emotionally. How do I move on when I all want to do is talk to her and meet up with her again? Even after all of this nonsense, a part of me still really loves her. You're describing what each and everyone of us has had to go through after an ending. What you're experiencing is normal and while painful, there's no alternative but to feel that pain and to encourage enough self-discipline in ourselves to want to move forward, and especially in your case, to gather your self-respect and use that to motivate you into stepping away and cutting contact. What you're doing is unhealthy and if at 20 you're allowing people to step all over you, you're going to keep on a bad path. See things for what they are, accept your reality, create a healthy boundary to protect yourself and deal with the aftermath of an ending and that means reaching out to your family and friends NOT finding comfort in the one that's hurting you. Clinging is not going to change anything. Accept it. You'll be in pain and denial for awhile but that will change. Trust the process. We've all had our first heartbreak -- you'll get through it. 1
kgcolonel Posted September 3, 2016 Posted September 3, 2016 Sean. Just what are your qualifications for a friend? You were betrayed by her when you thought you had something special She did not have a reason for betraying someone who loved her She is now with another poor dude She is cheating on that guy with her ex, you Your bar for friendship is really low if indeed that is what you are Really asking.... I believe you're really asking, I'd like to keep b@nging the girl because it allows me to go back to the days when we were an item and I can fool myself into thinking that those sex moments mean we / I am special to her.....please for your own sake, wake up.... 1
doyathinkso Posted September 3, 2016 Posted September 3, 2016 You can never go back to "the good old days". She made sure of that. She was major fail. Now go find a Nice girlfriend. 1
Author MetalGearSolid Posted September 3, 2016 Author Posted September 3, 2016 Once again, thanks for all the feedback, its truly very encouraging, especially knowing that I'm not alone in this. I will move on. But I still can't help but miss what we used to be, you know? Any tips on how to ease the pain? I've been trying to go out more and occupy myself with work, but there are still times the thoughts just creep in.
aloneinaz Posted September 3, 2016 Posted September 3, 2016 But I still can't help but miss what we used to be, you know? Everybody thinks this way after a R/S fails. It's normal. Roll w/those thoughts but don't give to much energy. Those thoughts will ease.. Any tips on how to ease the pain? I've been trying to go out more and occupy myself with work, but there are still times the thoughts just creep in. Yes.. The BEST thing you can do is make her vanish from your life. Don't spy on her social media. Block her on your phone or even better, get a new phone number. Remove all her pictures from your phone, computer and anywhere else. Put them in a box or even better, just get rid of them. You want her out of sight, out of mind. Take this down time to work on yourself. Work out. Get busy w/a hobby or two. Get out in public and be social. Time REALLY does heal all wounds. In a month or more of NC, you'll be feeling much better. I'm an advocate of getting back on the horse as soon as possible. Sitting around for months and months post break up to "get over it" is silly in my mind. What do you have to keep your mind occupied? Well duh, the last significant other. Getting out and going on some casual dating is good to keep your mind occupied. Also understand that EVERYONE who is single is at some stage of getting over their last R/S. Some get over faster than the others. I've found in my life that meeting someone new that you click with only makes you forget the last one that much quicker. 4
Marc878 Posted September 3, 2016 Posted September 3, 2016 Don't do more than your share in any relationship. It should be balanced 50/50 if it isn't some will likely get taken advantage of and lose respect. You're young these things happen they also help build your character and give you wisdom. She doesn't love you or she wouldn't be seeing OM. Why hang around and take that? Block her on everything never contact her and you'll move on just fine like she did.
Author MetalGearSolid Posted September 4, 2016 Author Posted September 4, 2016 I'm getting better by the day. Right now, my pride is hurting more than my heart, which is good I guess(?). The thoughts creep in from time to time, but it doesn't hurt as bad as before. Keeping NC is really the best solution, although it was very difficult initially. I'll be going out with my friend and his friends which I've never met before this coming weekend, and I think it will be a damn great chance for me to meet new people, especially ladies. 3
aloneinaz Posted September 4, 2016 Posted September 4, 2016 I'm getting better by the day. Right now, my pride is hurting more than my heart, which is good I guess(?). The thoughts creep in from time to time, but it doesn't hurt as bad as before. Keeping NC is really the best solution, although it was very difficult initially. I'll be going out with my friend and his friends which I've never met before this coming weekend, and I think it will be a damn great chance for me to meet new people, especially ladies. You're on the right path. STAY NC w/her, don't spy on her or her social media, etc. If she happened to contact you to get an ego stroke, she should get a response of dead silence from you. NO REPLY. Ignore her. Everyone HATES to be ignored especially an ex.. If anyone deserves this, it's her. Now, work on yourself. Hit the gym. Stay busy. In no time, you'll feel much better. When she creeps in your mind, you'll only think "what a POS" and she's someone else nightmare. In the meantime, go have fun. Enjoy your youth and tear it up some. 1
marky00 Posted September 4, 2016 Posted September 4, 2016 Some people may disagree but in the grand scheme of things cheating is really just a symptom of an unhappy partner. Ok, there are scumbags who enter a relationship, knowing they intend to cheat. But cheating at the end of an LTR, in the grand scheme of things, doesn't make the breakup any worse. It's the fact that someone chose to cheat on you that bugs you, but the final act of cheating itself is a spit in the ocean. Of course if they are still having sex with you, then that is wrong but normally at that stage the sex has dried up.
Author MetalGearSolid Posted September 5, 2016 Author Posted September 5, 2016 You're on the right path. STAY NC w/her, don't spy on her or her social media, etc. If she happened to contact you to get an ego stroke, she should get a response of dead silence from you. NO REPLY. Ignore her. Everyone HATES to be ignored especially an ex.. If anyone deserves this, it's her. Now, work on yourself. Hit the gym. Stay busy. In no time, you'll feel much better. When she creeps in your mind, you'll only think "what a POS" and she's someone else nightmare. In the meantime, go have fun. Enjoy your youth and tear it up some. Funny you should say that, she wished me a great day at work this morning. I did tell her a few weeks ago that I would be starting in a new company today, but I don't know, seems out of character for her to suddenly text me something like that, especially since I've been keeping NC for a few days now. I just ignored her. While I do miss the great times we had, it was only now that I realised how crazy she was, and how she would sometimes mistreat me. I guess I was too blinded to see it then. But I still do get really jealous whenever I accidently think of her and her new man, hopefully I won't be in the coming weeks. Plus it's hard to shake off the feeling of loneliness, I love that feeling of knowing that someone is always caring about you, no matter how **** your day is. 2
aloneinaz Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 Funny you should say that, she wished me a great day at work this morning. I did tell her a few weeks ago that I would be starting in a new company today, but I don't know, seems out of character for her to suddenly text me something like that, especially since I've been keeping NC for a few days now. I just ignored her. While I do miss the great times we had, it was only now that I realised how crazy she was, and how she would sometimes mistreat me. I guess I was too blinded to see it then. But I still do get really jealous whenever I accidently think of her and her new man, hopefully I won't be in the coming weeks. Plus it's hard to shake off the feeling of loneliness, I love that feeling of knowing that someone is always caring about you, no matter how **** your day is. Good job giving her dead silence when she was trying to screw w/your head with that text. It's just further reinforcement that her character is low. Now, block her from reaching you again or change your number. Listen, we all feel lonely after a R/S ends, especially if we were dumped. It's normal. Use that feeling as a means to stay NC, heal and feel better. Out of sight, out of mind will heal you quickly. Then get out there and date again. You met her and you'll meet her replacement that is hopefully a much better GF. 1
Author MetalGearSolid Posted September 6, 2016 Author Posted September 6, 2016 Thanks for the help, everybody. It really does mean a lot to me. It's just that we've been through quite a lot these 8 months, and it's really heartbreaking she would do this. I got tempted to contact her again, but I know that that isn't the best idea. Right now, it's more an issue with the loneliness and jealousy. I just hope that I'll be able to find someone else soon.
aloneinaz Posted September 6, 2016 Posted September 6, 2016 Right now, it's more an issue with the loneliness and jealousy. I just hope that I'll be able to find someone else soon. You're going to be fine.. NC, no spying on social media and you'll want to get out of the house and cure that loneliness by dating and enjoying the companionship of women. I had a buddy who had a tough break up. After a period of time, he was feeling better and felt like you. I gently reminded him that he'll never meet someone new by staying home, sulking over his last one. He agreed and dated again met someone special and has been happily married now for years.
LD1990 Posted September 7, 2016 Posted September 7, 2016 I'm an advocate of getting back on the horse as soon as possible. Sitting around for months and months post break up to "get over it" is silly in my mind. What do you have to keep your mind occupied? Well duh, the last significant other. Getting out and going on some casual dating is good to keep your mind occupied. Also understand that EVERYONE who is single is at some stage of getting over their last R/S. Some get over faster than the others. I've found in my life that meeting someone new that you click with only makes you forget the last one that much quicker. Finally, someone else who doesn't think getting dumped means you need to take some vow of chastity for months. People always seem to recommend trying to have fun and stay busy after a breakup. Well, dating and sex accomplish both of those, as long as you aren't the type to jump into a new relationship just to fill the hole left by your ex. And you're absolutely right about how meeting someone new that you share a connection with can help take an ex off your mind. ThatsSean, I know you said you hope you find someone else soon and if you meet the right one that's great, but don't make finding a replacement girlfriend your goal right now. Date, have a fun time, but remember that you're 20, right now it's all about building a kickass life and then when you find the right woman, she can be a part of it. At your age, women will come and go. Improving your life, whether that's through getting your education, working out, starting your career, those are things that can have a much more positive and lasting effect on your life. 1
aloneinaz Posted September 7, 2016 Posted September 7, 2016 Finally, someone else who doesn't think getting dumped means you need to take some vow of chastity for months. People always seem to recommend trying to have fun and stay busy after a breakup. Well, dating and sex accomplish both of those, as long as you aren't the type to jump into a new relationship just to fill the hole left by your ex. And you're absolutely right about how meeting someone new that you share a connection with can help take an ex off your mind. Yup! I hate to see posts on this site or hear of people that got kicked to the curb and moped around for months and months sitting in the homes, feeling sorry for themselves. I REALLY believe that is not healthy or beneficial and you'll only continue to spin your wheels reliving that failed R/S cause you're lonely and have nothing else to think of. I do however know everyone heals at different rates. It took me 2 months to get my feet back under me after my last ex and I split. I couldn't eat or sleep the first few weeks. I couldn't function much at all. Staying NC and out of sight, out of mind allowed me to feel better around 3 weeks. I could sleep and eat again. I worked out again. I started thinking RATIONALLY again. I knew that last R/S was toxic and unhealthy and I SWORE I'd never go back nor would I ever contact her again. By 2 months I felt almost normal again. I started dating. It was a HUGE help to my self esteem. Getting out of the house, spending time having laughs w/the opposite sex was the best thing I could do. I was NOT in the mindset of filing a hole, only to casual date which is all you do at first anyway. By 5-6 months I was 100% back to normal. I then met my now 3 year fiance who also was getting over her last R/S. We dated casually for a few months and then realized we had something special. I never looked back. 1
marky00 Posted September 7, 2016 Posted September 7, 2016 You just need to allow your emotions to process. I don't think it matters so much if you do that alone at home. The bit where you start getting out there or w/e is really just the final stage confirming that you are indeed better. You don't need to go to the gym and have 200 friends after a breakup, just allow your emotions to process. Your brain will not allow itself to revisit the exact same thing more than 1000 times or if it does it will know the story so well it will shrug it off faster.
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