VariousMatters Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 I've been talking to this guy for almost a year now and it's been flirty and viby from the get go. We have also grown emotionally very close and it's no secret that we cross the friendship line. He stays 3 hours away from me so it makes things difficult but we talk every single day. He gets along with my parents, actually the whole family and we share values interests and a sense of humor. I've fallen for him very hard and the thing is he started noticing it. He told me that he feels that I'm deeper in than he is, he says he owes it to me to be honest because he cares for me. When I asked him if he doesn't see any potential he replied by saying that he didn't say he has no feelings he is just saying that mine are further along. He said that his heart isn't ready to take the next step yet and he wants it to be and he's been trying so hard because everything is perfect. I think he started doubting when I started seeking validation (in an indirect way that I didn't even notice) and now he says he doesn't want to hurt me,but I would rather get hurt than to never know? He says it might turn into everything or it might not go anywhere completely solid and he doesn't want me ever to feel blindsided. I've been given advice that sometimes because of the fact that you give of the impression that you are deeper in than he is, he pulls back or attempts to play catchup which is very damaging and that I should rather make him feel like he is initiating the next step. Any thoughts on how to handle this? 1
PegNosePete Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 He isn't ready to take "the next step" after a year? He never will be. I would move on. 3
Larryville Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 He stays 3 hours away from me saying that he didn't say he has no feelings he is just saying that mine are further along. he started doubting when I started seeking validation Can I ditto: He isn't ready to take "the next step" after a year? He never will be. I would move on. Dude is pretty clear. You are looking for something that clearly isn’t there. You have to look in the mirror and ask yourself why. 1
Satu Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 There is no happy future to be had with this person. The feeling that would create that future, just isn't there. Sorry. Take care. 1
angel.eyes Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 ...I've fallen for him very hard and the thing is he started noticing it. He told me that he feels that I'm deeper in than he is, he says he owes it to me to be honest because he cares for me. When I asked him if he doesn't see any potential he replied by saying that he didn't say he has no feelings he is just saying that mine are further along. He said that his heart isn't ready to take the next step yet and he wants it to be and he's been trying so hard because everything is perfect. ....... Any thoughts on how to handle this? A YEAR into this, his heart isn't ready even though everything is perfect and he wants it to be. That says it all! You aren't really what he's looking for. He'll stick around for the companionship and good feels until he finds someone else who he feels is right or you've had enough and kick him to the curb. Either way, what you have now is all you're ever going to get. I'm sorry to say, it's not going to progress any further. What to do? Break it off. Go NC. Heal. Then look for someone who wants a future with you. This guy ain't it. 3
Gr8fuln2020 Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 I don't think there's a better barometer of where a person is than admitting that he is not feeling it, but trying......???? No, if he's being honest, HE very essence, no matter how artificially he tries, is not into you. Also, why should it be where you are? I don't believe he needs to be as committed as you are emotionally. Everyone has their own timeline. BUT...this is where you need to decide whether continuing is worth the risk.
katiegrl Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 You say you have been "talking" to him for almost a year. Flirty and vibey. Have you ever met in person? 1
kendahke Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 I've been talking to this guy for almost a year now and it's been flirty and viby from the get go. We have also grown emotionally very close and it's no secret that we cross the friendship line. He stays 3 hours away from me so it makes things difficult but we talk every single day. He gets along with my parents, actually the whole family and we share values interests and a sense of humor. I've fallen for him very hard and the thing is he started noticing it. He told me that he feels that I'm deeper in than he is, he says he owes it to me to be honest because he cares for me. When I asked him if he doesn't see any potential he replied by saying that he didn't say he has no feelings he is just saying that mine are further along. He said that his heart isn't ready to take the next step yet and he wants it to be and he's been trying so hard because everything is perfect. I think he started doubting when I started seeking validation (in an indirect way that I didn't even notice) and now he says he doesn't want to hurt me,but I would rather get hurt than to never know? He says it might turn into everything or it might not go anywhere completely solid and he doesn't want me ever to feel blindsided. I've been given advice that sometimes because of the fact that you give of the impression that you are deeper in than he is, he pulls back or attempts to play catchup which is very damaging and that I should rather make him feel like he is initiating the next step. Any thoughts on how to handle this? Are you fine with how things presently are with him? Those feelings may never develop with him and for you to continue with him, you need to be on board with things never developing past where they presently are--otherwise, you're wasting youth waiting on him to catch up with you when you can find someone who is already there. He sounds very lukewarm when it comes to you. Anyone who's response is "meh" is someone not to invest one more ounce of your interest in except as a friend. He lives 3 hours away, so he could very well be seeing someone else--you wouldn't know because he tells you what he wants you to know, not the truth. Don't fool yourself by insisting you know when you're not living in the same proximity with him and cannot see for yourself on a day to day basis. Calling you every day doesn't mean anything. I had a scammer calling me everyday, too and he was on the other side of the world. It's the being in the same proximity day in and day out that matters in the viability of a relationship.
gorf Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 I've been talking to this guy for almost a year now it's no secret that we cross the friendship line. He stays 3 hours away He told me that he feels that I'm deeper in than he is He said that his heart isn't ready to take the next step yet I should rather make him feel like he is initiating the next step. I think he is in love with the attention Remember, you live quite a distance from each other. Ok he likes the attention, knowing there is a girl out that that is attracted to had wants him.. so on his bad days of not picking up numbers or flirting with girls in his home town, since you are not officially together and exclusive, and I dont see happening in a LDR as this clearly is, he remembers he has you in his back pocket as a feel good. Sad but true, thats what I see going on here. He confirmed it for you. He says he does not feel the same way. Saying you are not on the same level as him is a polite way of saying "I don't see this working out on an deep level in the future." After one year, you should know. I think you know all you need by this point. And why should you have to make him feel like he is initiating the next step? Why isn't he? Ok, he's a guy, he should be initiating anything having to do with moving the relationship forward. But honestly, there can be no relationship without direct constant contact with a person. The 3 hours is just a fantasy honestly. He does not feel like it is more than a pen pal relationship sorry to say
katiegrl Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 I think he is in love with the attention Remember, you live quite a distance from each other. Ok he likes the attention, knowing there is a girl out that that is attracted to had wants him.. so on his bad days of not picking up numbers or flirting with girls in his home town, since you are not officially together and exclusive, and I dont see happening in a LDR as this clearly is, he remembers he has you in his back pocket as a feel good. Sad but true, thats what I see going on here. He confirmed it for you. He says he does not feel the same way. Saying you are not on the same level as him is a polite way of saying "I don't see this working out on an deep level in the future." After one year, you should know. I think you know all you need by this point. And why should you have to make him feel like he is initiating the next step? Why isn't he? Ok, he's a guy, he should be initiating anything having to do with moving the relationship forward. But honestly, there can be no relationship without direct constant contact with a person. The 3 hours is just a fantasy honestly. He does not feel like it is more than a pen pal relationship sorry to say My guess is it Is NOT more than a pen pal RL. The OP has yet to answer if they have ever met in person. "Talking" for a year indicates they haven't. OP can you please clarify?
Redhead14 Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 My guess is it Is NOT more than a pen pal RL. The OP has yet to answer if they have ever met in person. "Talking" for a year indicates they haven't. OP can you please clarify? He gets along with my parents, actually the whole family and we share values interests and a sense of humor. -- This is from her original post. So, I'd say they've met a couples of times at least. But, after a year, eh . . . she's allowing herself to be strung along.
katiegrl Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 He gets along with my parents, actually the whole family and we share values interests and a sense of humor. -- This is from her original post. So, I'd say they've met a couples of times at least. But, after a year, eh . . . she's allowing herself to be strung along. Yeah I read that too.... but saying he "gets along" with her parents does not necessary mean he has "met" her parents in person. They could have spoken on phone or via Skype, video chat, whatevs. Same as what she and this guy are doing. I just think the way she worded it in her original post is telling "talking for almost year, flirty and vibey." I could be wrong! Just asking her to clarify cuz it makes a difference in how I would respond.
Redhead14 Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 Yeah I read that too.... but saying he "gets along" with her parents does not necessary mean he has "met" her parents in person. They could have spoken on phone or via Skype, video chat, whatevs. Same as what she and this guy are doing. I just think the way she worded it in her original post is telling "talking for almost year, flirty and vibey." I could be wrong! Just asking her to clarify cuz it makes a difference in how I would respond. If they've only been "talking" for a year and never met and she's doing the whole "what are we" thing, it's silliness in my book. Until they've spent good, quality, face to face time, they aren't anything yet. How can you see a future with someone you've never met in person? There's a thread running now that talks about a fairly long-term, in person relationship that's advanced to the point of moving in together. The OP is now finding out that the guy is a complete train wreck financially, lied over and over again among other things. My point is, sometimes you don't even know the person when you do spend time with them. This kind of thing really irks me and is a pet peeve of mine. People who engage in LDR, virtual relationships and develop emotional idealizations of the people on the other end waste their time and emotion on virtual ghosts. Rarely, if ever do the people on the other end of these things match the idealized versions that are created in the other person's head. It's a fantasy world.
Author VariousMatters Posted September 2, 2016 Author Posted September 2, 2016 We met in University allready, but just friends then we have an immense amount of mutual friends. Ive seen him a few times this year. The thing is that we started talking in a "prospective relationship way" a while ago. But since then I've only seen him once. He is moving to my hometown next year, so maybe I should go with the flow and see how things develop, rather to mess it up before we have an actual chance of spending a lot of quality time together. I'm very career focussed so it's not like I'm constantly dating and going to miss out on something. Sorry for the misunderstanding and taking so long to clarify.
Author VariousMatters Posted September 2, 2016 Author Posted September 2, 2016 My guess is it Is NOT more than a pen pal RL. The OP has yet to answer if they have ever met in person. "Talking" for a year indicates they haven't. OP can you please clarify? We met in University allready, but just friends then we have an immense amount of mutual friends. Ive seen him a few times this year. The thing is that we started talking in a "prospective relationship way" a while ago. But since then I've only seen him once. He is moving to my hometown next year, so maybe I should go with the flow and see how things develop, rather to mess it up before we have an actual chance of spending a lot of quality time together. I'm very career focussed so it's not like I'm constantly dating and going to miss out on something. Sorry for the misunderstanding and taking so long to clarify.
Author VariousMatters Posted September 2, 2016 Author Posted September 2, 2016 You say you have been "talking" to him for almost a year. Flirty and vibey. Have you ever met in person? We met in University allready, but just friends then we have an immense amount of mutual friends. Ive seen him a few times this year. The thing is that we started talking in a "prospective relationship way" a while ago. But since then I've only seen him once. He is moving to my hometown next year, so maybe I should go with the flow and see how things develop, rather to mess it up before we have an actual chance of spending a lot of quality time together. I'm very career focussed so it's not like I'm constantly dating and going to miss out on something. Sorry for the misunderstanding and taking so long to clarify.
Redhead14 Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 We met in University allready, but just friends then we have an immense amount of mutual friends. Ive seen him a few times this year. The thing is that we started talking in a "prospective relationship way" a while ago. But since then I've only seen him once. He is moving to my hometown next year, so maybe I should go with the flow and see how things develop, rather to mess it up before we have an actual chance of spending a lot of quality time together. I'm very career focussed so it's not like I'm constantly dating and going to miss out on something. Sorry for the misunderstanding and taking so long to clarify. Listen, don't hang your hat on a maybe. If you have opportunities to date other people, go for it and seriously if someone strikes your fancy. Let this simmer in the background until things actually start happening. Forget about "where this is going" because technically, it hasn't started.
angel.eyes Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 You're wasting your time here. He's been totally upfront with you about where he stands. Most importantly, his actions match his words. Both say, you're nice, but I'm not really interested. Remember, he knows you pretty well already. It's not like you're a stranger he's only met via a dating site. If he were interested, he would have pushed to meet on a regular basis. That hasn't happened in a YEAR....a YEAR of chatting regularly. One meeting in a year, if I understand the frequency correctly, is interest that was dead on arrival. Not to be hurtful, but you're a nice reminder that he's male and attractive when he's too busy to look for dates or doesn't have much on the horizon. But, as he stated, he doesn't share your feelings. Believe him, and don't waste any more time on this. We met in University allready, but just friends then we have an immense amount of mutual friends. Ive seen him a few times this year. The thing is that we started talking in a "prospective relationship way" a while ago. But since then I've only seen him once. He is moving to my hometown next year, so maybe I should go with the flow and see how things develop, rather to mess it up before we have an actual chance of spending a lot of quality time together. I'm very career focussed so it's not like I'm constantly dating and going to miss out on something. Sorry for the misunderstanding and taking so long to clarify.
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