jmctinder15 Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 This will be somewhat of a long post but something I hope that is therapeutic. Let me start from the beginning... I first laid eyes on my girlfriend (ex) three years ago at work when she was first hired. I've never went after someone who I've worked with because of the potential problems if things went awry but she was absolutely breathtaking. After about 4 months, I grew feelings for her and our time working together closely made me fall for her. I asked her to our work Christmas party and she quickly said yes. As fate would have it, I got sick with pneumonia a week before but kept reassuring her that I'd be better. The night of the party is upon us and I'm waiting eagerly for her at my apartment - constantly looking out through my windows to see her vehicle. Then, there she was - the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. It's those moments that I wish I could relive over for an eternity. We make our way over to the party and have an amazing time with one another. Seeing as how I have pneumonia, I had no clue how to end the night. So after we get out of my vehicle, I was so nervous but she came in for a hug - I didn't know whether to kiss her on the lips or cheeks or what. Me walking back to my apartment, I thought I blew it so I had to text her a bag of cough drops I've had as an inside joke and she responded back right away. To stop right here, there are some things that I already knew about her that I was comfortable with. For one, I am 32 and she's 41 and she has a 14 year old daughter (so us meeting 3 years ago.. math). As a woman, age meant more than me and I don't look at age as a limited factor - after all, she looks 10 years younger than her age. And her having a daughter, I had no issues with that whatsoever. As the months went on, we grew so close that I knew my feelings were manifesting into love. Just the thought of not seeing her or being with her made me get a pit in my stomach. She put me at ease with her presence and I was extremely comfortable around her. As a matter of fact, we were not only in a relationship, but we truly were each others best friend. --I'll keep this part short, I can never get through it without having a few tears from my eyes-- Then one fateful day where she went to the doctor due to shortness of breath and come to find out, her right lung was 100% deflated. A few days in the hospital and she was out. Sadly, a few days after, she was experiencing the same symptoms. Back to the ER, back in the hospital, and this time she was there for a week. After a few tests, it was confirmed that she has a rare progressive lung disease. I spent every day in the hospital with her through it all. My family grew so close to her and her daughter during this as well. But after a week, she was out. ----- She's a very unselfish person who has an amazing heart and is just an overall good person. Not that any of this is bad but when she was out of the hospital for a little time, she broke things off with us saying she couldn't do this to me and put me through this. The reason behind this is that the doctor told us that it is very wise to NOT get pregnant. She wanted another child and didn't want to limit my supposed needs. So she wanted to break things off. At first I was a little distraught but knowing what she's going through, I wasn't going to give up that easily - after all, I was IN love with her and I don't give up easily on things I love. We've talked things through and we both were thinking clearly again. Things were going really well from there on out. We couldn't have been happier! And once again, as a believer in fate, both of our leases would be up the same month so we talked about moving in together. At this point, we've been together for a year and we both knew what we wanted. Knowing that her daughter, who was 12 at the time, had to stay in her school district, I moved to her city (about 25 minutes away from where I lived). The first day we moved in, that's when things got... different. We started to have odd arguments - from where we put glasses in the cabinets, from whose dishes we'll use. I just chalked it up as this being a big transition for the both of us. See, we've never been married, and we've never been this close to someone else for a long time. I was the first person that was close to her and her daughter in the past 12 years since the father and my gf split. Her and her daughter are very close and she'd do anything for her to be happy. No that it's a bad thing, but it got in the way of our relationship which I'll explain a little later. But after going through the natural adjustment period, things were going really well. Our relationship was so strong that we were looking towards the future. We both have similar taste in things - we both wanted a small wedding, nothing too expensive as far as a ring goes, and what we wanted out of life and with one another was the same as well. During this time, her and I were both going for promotion in two different areas. She was working her butt off, working super long days and started to put work first over everything (except her daughter). I on the other hand, I was putting in long hours but I made it a point to stop work at a decent time to spend it with my gf and her daughter. That quickly grew into me spending time by myself as she continued to work and her daughter, who I became very close with, spend time with herself - but that's to be expected, what 12 year wants to spend buddy buddy time all the time? Over the course of the year, we got into a few fights which I can almost say for certain were brought on due to work stress. It got bad where she was saying how I (me) wanted things a certain way or wanted this, wanted that but I've never said any of that. Fast forward a few months, she winds up getting promoted (rightfully so) and I got news that I wasn't. I was very distraught because throughout the year I was being told that I'm doing everything right and that it's a slam dunk, but come to find out, I was being told one thing and another thing was happening. I was extremely happy for my gf in being promoted but it was a tough balancing act for myself because I put in the time and effort (not as much as she did) to only be told that I was being passed over. To my mistake, I didn't take her out for a celebratory dinner but rest assured I was very happy for her. After that, things just started to deteriorate. She continued to work crazy hours, even to the point of working on our vacation! You see, I'm a very easy going person, I understand some times you have to do things you don't want to but this started to spiral out of control. I felt that she was distancing herself from me. We went from having sex around 3-5 times a week to maybe once or twice every 2 weeks. Just to stop any thinking from others, she wasn't getting it from anyone else, she's not that type of person. Even on our vacation for a week, we were not intimate at all. Knowing that there was a problem, her and I got into an argument about a lot of things. We went from having a great line of communication to where things were held in and not said to blowing up all at once. It got to the point where I did move out. All of my things were still in the house so I would let her know when I would come over to pack my things so her and her daughter could be out of the house. Eventually, her and I started talking again (while my things are still in the house) and we were going through making amends and knowing where we went "bad". I was still back at my parents but her and I started seeing each other again. Knowing that the house we rented was only temporary until the end of the year, I continued to pack my things. One day I asked her if she was going to be home during a weekday she said no, she had meetings (we started to work from home full time) so I stopped over, packed more things into bins I had in our bedroom. She comes back home and calls me up and starts saying how should she take it when she got home and sees bins stacked in the bedroom. I told her that I still needed to pack my things up because I'm not living there and we had to be out of the house regardless. So about two months pass, I'm still at my parents and I've only had a few talks with her. But around late November, we started to talk again, she was seeing a counselor (long story but her childhood wasn't the best) and her and I were making great personal progress. We eventually start back dating, she's still in the house but getting things squared away to move back into her apartment. Things were actually going pretty well. To pause there, let me go over a few things that I've left out. She lives in a city that doesn't offer much, if anything at all. Her family doesn't live there, she has one friend who lives there and there's just not much going on there. Her and I had plans on building a house in that city and starting the next chapter of our life there. But that didn't play out to be. To me, I didn't really care much where I lived but my wants and needs were always put second behind her daughter. I'll explain this in a minute. She was closer to my family than her own and my family lived 25 minutes away from where there's so much more to offer. In terms of school, places to live, her own friends - it was just overall better. Taking a step back, when her and I lived together, I made it a point to not try and act as a father to her daughter but more as a mentor. Not that I want things a certain way, but I truly do believe kids need chores and do things to teach them responsibility. Not once, during the almost year we lived together, did she have her daughter do any chores. When I would ask her to do things, her mom would say "she doesn't know how to do that." Or when her daughter would smack her lips uncontrollably while eating and I've told her countless times to chew with her mouth closed, her mom would give me attitude. That's when I come to realize that her daughter is her world and she'd do anything to not shake it. She always did things for her daughter because it was easier - really, she was a friend first, mother second to her daughter. But again, she's such a great person and always wants the best and did things differently from how her mom raised her. There I am, still living back at home, trying to find an apartment. I put my name down at two places and there was a 1-2 month waiting list. But come to find out, at one of the places, they never put my name down. So I get a call from one apartment that had my name and they said an apartment will open up in February. I said to keep my name on there but I was still looking. That's when my search efforts found me looking at a house nearby. It was an empty lot so I'd be building it. After a few conversations with a real estate agent and the builder, I was set and started the paper work on building a new house! My girlfriend at this time was extremely happy and supportive of this decision. I wanted her in every step of the decisions and she was happy to be part of that. She helped (pretty much did) picking out what floors, what the outside siding and stone color should be down to the cabinets of the kitchen and bathrooms. When I made this decision, I wasn't thinking that she and her daughter would instantly move in with me. Things between her and I were going really well but I didn't want to rush things again and wind up where we did when we did move in together. So as of the beginning of August, she started to grow distant, her daughter was gone a week with her friends and I asked my gf what days she wanted to get together and she got snippy. We ultimately only saw each other for about 6 total hours on a Friday night with me leaving Saturday morning. She has this thing where she doesn't like conflict so she won't communicate and just wants things to move on. I expressed my feelings and that's when I get the dreaded, "We should probably talk" message. We go to a park to talk, she said her feelings changed and she can't do this to me anymore. Being a big shock to me, I'm literally at a loss of words and I think I told her I can't believe this, what happened? What changed? I had a lot of questions. Emotionally upset and just completely heartbroken, I walk back to my vehicle and head home. About a week or so passes and I stop over at her place to drop off some chairs and when we see each other, she's looking more beautiful than ever. I'm really good at reading visual cues from people and how she gazed at me with her captivating eyes, her gorgeous smile, and how she played with her hair. I went in and gave her a passionate kiss and (twice) and I was on my way. Still thinking things through, I had so many questions. The only thing I could really come to conclusion on is that the reason why she broke things off again, is because my house is nearing completion. Her daughter is in her last year of middle school starting this year (8th grade) and makes the transition to high school next year. More backstory on that - her daughter has 3 close friends for the past 4 hours. As close as they are, the 3 of them (not including her daughter) are so bad and mean to her daughter and others. My gf at one point, said she's moving her out of that school because it's such a toxic environment to be around these kids. And this all happened a few months ago while my house is being built. So naturally, here I am thinking she'll finish her last year at the middle school and we can write the next chapter of our lives by building something together with her daughter. I never came out and said that directly, just thought it as I didn't want to entirely rush things through. And really, that's a year away, that's a long time. So with me having a lot of questions, no real closure, I go over to her apartment to talk things through. I kept asking her why the sudden change of heart and she said there was no reason. Knowing full well there was, I kept prying and eventually she said she doesn't want to leave her city, she wants to build a life with her daughter there. At that point, I'm thinking to myself, you spent the past 14 years here building something and it's not really what you want right now for her. She wants a home of her own for her and her daughter but I look at it as she'll be going away to college in 4 years anyways... not a lot of time to build something. So after an emotional time talking, her heart still puts her daughter first and foremost and doesn't want to do anything to shake that up. I've spent the past 3-4 weeks thinking things through - she's a creature of habit, doesn't like too much change, but is there anything that I can do? I still talk to her maybe once a week because we still work together. There's no animosity between us at all. But I just can't help and think that this isn't how it's supposed to end. After our super long talks of us saying how compatible we are with one another and we really want the same things in life (other than where we live apparently), it's hard to imagine a life without her. She's my literal definition of a soulmate. We saw each other yesterday during a work meeting - we work from home so we don't see each other in an office - and we both looked at each other with that firey intimate look that we've shared when we first met. We texted briefly last night and I mentioned if she wanted to go on a hike together to let me know and she said she absolutely would. I'm still unsure as what to do. There's not a day or hour that goes by that I can't stop thinking about her. And this goes against all logic because if she's not willing to budge on where to live, that should be it for me. There's just something inside of me that's telling me otherwise. It's hard to explain. I know it's impossible for anyone but her to answer, but what would people do in my shoes and/or in her shoes? Do I just give it time and let things go or do I give it time and try to see if she's willing to do this? It's just hard for me to understand that she's willing to stay in a city that has literally nothing to offer but just to keep her there for friends when she can have a much better life and opportunity at bigger things if she moved to my city. I know this is long but thoughts? Suggestions? Thank you everyone for your time. I think this has been helpful writing this out.
Toodaloo Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 I just do not think you two are compatible so leave her be.
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