totallyconfused Posted July 5, 2005 Posted July 5, 2005 im new here and obviously...confused about relationships. my bf and i have been together for 4 almost strong years, but 6 months ago we only had our first and only "break" that I asked for b/c i thought I was out of love and wanted to see other men. I ended up messing around w/some loser and completely regret it, though I was completely honest w/my bf about it, from the beginning to the end. I think thats what kind of saved it b/c I told him everything. finally after i saw that the grass wasnt greener on the other side, and my bf took me back with open arms, barely any questions. it is now 6 months past, and I thought everything was good (about to celebrate our 4 years) but then he just told me that he wants to go on a break. He said he wants a break, but not to break up. He said he just wants to focus on trying to forget the past, b/c it always comes back to him. I asked him if we could see other people and he said yes, but I asked him what he would say if asked if he had a gf and he said "i'd probably tell them i was seeing someone else". [note: probably, grrrr] he clearly said he didn't want to stop talking and wants it to do this the "right way", taking a break w/o having anyone on the side, (like seeing someone else). I completely understand where he's coming from, I know I messed up and never actually took any painstaking crap that I made him go through. He also realizes that alot of my past stems from what he had done also. He knows his mistakes/lies led up to it. The communication is there, it's almost sick to the point where we talk everything out so damn logically. But now, I don't know what to do. I do feel like a break could be good, but at the same time, all the risks involved is just soooo painstaking. I'm scared I'll lose him to some silly girl or that he'll mess around too. We have always been decently open about talking, but now I'm not sure what to do. He has always been the person that constantly reminds me his love will always be there, but now, that love is open-ended for me. Should I just stay on the back burner and try not to call him at all and "pretend" to keep myself busy. I know I'm defenitely afraid of being one of those crazy gfs that cries a sob story every night and calling him relentlessly. but i'm weak and sometimes i just cant go a day w/o him Should I try to make him "almost" jealous or I dont know?! Please help!
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 5, 2005 Posted July 5, 2005 It sounds like your guilt is coming back to haunt you, and you are mapping your own motivations over your 'break' onto your boyfriend's 'break'. Just because you imposed a break onto him and put him on the back burner so that you could mess around with other guys doesn't mean he's taking a break for the same reasons. Or... maybe he is. It hardly matters. If he comes back, he does. If he doesn't, he doesn't. All you can do is extend him the courtesy of being the same uncomplaining and un-interfering backup plan for him that you expected him to do for you if you want a chance at him coming back and not breaking up. Don't pull any jealousy games or stuff like that. The thing about being a backup plan is that you have to present yourself as someone he would want to come back to - not make a nuisance of yourself. If his emotional investment in you is already low enough to warrant a 'break', then anything you do to try to reverse it at this point is likely to just drive it further down. He's not going to want to come back to someone who makes things hard for him. You want him to miss you. That means you'll have to stick primarily to behavior that he will actually miss. What should you do? What did he do while you were enjoying your "break"? I guess you'll have to be the best 'backup plan' you can and hope for the best.
Author totallyconfused Posted July 5, 2005 Author Posted July 5, 2005 during our first break, he constantly called me, crying to me and just completely gushing about how much he wanted for us to work. he would drive 8 hours to come see me like every other weekend for about 4 months straight. Though I think he did that out of jealousy primarily. b/c he had never actually showed that much affection/commitment in 3 years. so it was very surprising. I never denied him when he came to see me. I always put him first before that loser guy I was seeing. And frankly both knew about it. He would call me alot and I talked to him about us and our problems for hours at a time. (He never liked talking on the phone for long until this). I know I probably sound rotten, but he made his mistakes too, with lying about girls and trust issues. Which was what lead up to the initial break. And he realizes his (and our) mistakes lead up to my roaming around. Should I do what he did? B/c what he did actually worked on me b/c it really showed me his commitment and faith in the relationship. Or should I try to steer clear out of his way to make him "miss me"?
betnow Posted July 5, 2005 Posted July 5, 2005 i say suck up the pain and let him go. im doing that now and its been 7 days, which is the longest i have gone without calling. my ex was calling up until 2 days ago but i didnt pick up. nc can prove two things, either he'll come back after you not calling him and therefor he can never say you didnt let him have his time, or he wont come back and if he finds someone else then that says alot about his feelings towards you. either way it will be your decision, you call the shots. we'll go through it together, because i know how you feel, haha.
Author totallyconfused Posted July 5, 2005 Author Posted July 5, 2005 OMG 7 DAYS. It's gonna be so hard. Excruciating. I'm melting....Does calling still count when his phone is off service/location so it doesnt even seem like you've called? heh my heart has sunk so low.
betnow Posted July 5, 2005 Posted July 5, 2005 no calling what so ever, your funny and i know how you feel and im a guy, so mabye thats sad. but regardless nc. the plan underneath all of this is for you to gain an independence without him, and when he comes back which they usually do, you'll be able to make a clear decision.
fatso Posted July 5, 2005 Posted July 5, 2005 its not all about moving. when u love someone u start to grow with that person and forget who u are. take some time to find yourself. find out what u want out life and how u are going to handle the situation
NightsEcho Posted July 5, 2005 Posted July 5, 2005 Confused, I want you to understand something.... I am in your ex-boyfrends position. My ex girlfriend of 3 1/2 years, wanted a "break" she found another guy (or had him waiting in the wings) and went off to have her fun. During that time, like him I begged and pleaded, drove to her house 2 hours away, and for the first while she talked to me and led me on. The pain I have felt for these four months has been like nothing else. He probably experienced every emotion, went through every scenario, got completely destroyed, and had to build himself up again. He took you back so easy cause he loved you. But every passing day, he probably thought in fear of the things you had done and the pain you caused. I'm not saying your a bad person, you did what you had to do. But from his point of view, he probably realized that he was disposable. You want to know how to save this? It's your turn unfortunatly. Time for you to grow and change a bit. If this was gonna work you both need to realize that what you had is gone. The minute you asked for a break it changed. Now do yourself a favor and let him be. Better yourself, and don't just find a replacement guy. Show him you are changing for the better. When you talk keep it short and simple or do NC for awhile. I wish you luck
dreamguy Posted July 5, 2005 Posted July 5, 2005 The first thing you should do is try to understand why he asked for a break. 1) You can either directly ask him and pray to God he'll tell you the real reason (many people don't give the real reason). 2) You can try to guess by yourself or with the discrete help of some of his friends. Either way I don't suggest you try to make him jealous. At least not for now since you have no proof that he is actually seeing someone else. As for calling him, you should respect his wishes. If he asked you not to contact him then simply don't. I know it's not easy at all but you should do it! If you both agreed to keep in touch then do call him every now and then. Just don't overdo it (like every few hours or even every day). When you call him be casual and don't talk about the past or the relationship. Talk about generalities and ask him how he is... etc... Finally, I can only symphatize with you since I have been tormented by the uncertainty of "breaks" myself many times in the past. But I can also tell you that you should accept what he is doing since you asked for a break as well. Good luck and keep us posted.
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