xaviercross Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 I was in a relationship of convenience. The guy didn't treat me well but we were best friends. I wanted to move on and as I started to (met someone else), he had an epiphany that I was the one and started fighting for me. But I had had enough, I needed time to heal before I could contemplate a proper relationship with him. He moved away and continued to persist, ignoring my wishes for no contact. So I guess I'm in a long-distance relationship. Whenever I tell him person I want to move on, that I don't want to be with him, he either breakdowns or just don't accept it. It's like he hits the reset button and pretends everything is fine the next day. Or apologizes profusely. Or guilt-trips me and blames me for everything. I've tried to move on so many times and cut all contact but he always find a way to contact me. Also, when I'm feeling good and strong I think I can handle it contact, but it always plunges me back into depression. I feel so low that I can't seem to let him go. Everyone thinks it is so easy, and it is, yet I allow him to continue to be in my life. It's so hard, it's like I'm addicted to him. I love him, and I do second guess myself about whether we could be good when we're back together in person, in a proper committed relationship. He paints a wonderful picture, and REALLY wants a second chance. But his behaviour during this whole time, the stress it has put on me, makes me think otherwise. But I can't see clearly. I feel so weak. I don't want this to continue to drag out. I either need to commit to it or leave. I know I would be fine and happy by myself, but I'm concerned for him. He threatens to hurt himself, he has depression (I finally go him to go to therapy), he has previously quit his job, and it breaks my heart the emotional turmoil that he goes through. Thanks for reading.
Arieswoman Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 Xaviercross, The guy didn't treat me well but we were best friends. ^^^^ now that makes no sense for a start. "Best friends" don't treat each other badly. From what you've written you could be in a co-dependent relationship, but whatever it is it isn't good for you. It sounds like he's manipulating you to keep you hooked - don't fall for it. I know I would be fine and happy by myself, but I'm concerned for him. He threatens to hurt himself Let's get this straight - you are not responsible for this guys mental health you are a person in your own right, not a psychiatric social worker. People with mental Health issues can be very demanding, manipulative and draining. You already know the relationship is toxic, so leave now. I know I would be fine and happy by myself, ^^^^ there's your answer. I think you need some therapy yourself - and I say that kindly - to find out why you think you are responsible for this guy and why you feel the need to rescue him. Good luck x. 2
juniorrocha Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 Stay or leave? - toxic relationship Your title says it all. It's a toxic relationship. Staying shouldn't be an option here. So: LEAVE. In caps, bolded, underlined and italic, because you need to understand it's time to leave. A toxic relationship is never a good deal. Be sincere with him, tell him you're done but be polite, and tell him to not contact you anymore. Block him everywhere. "oh but he always finds a way" block that way too. And keep on blocking/ignoring everytime. It seems to me you're allowing and sorta enjoying this relationship. Please, don't do that to yourself. The final choice is yours, but there's my opinion. 2
marky00 Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 (edited) Last couple of years I have been that guy, trying to get a second-chance although I have tried to be respectful as possible. Only difference is you say you still love him, but my ex has pretty much admitted her feelings have diminished. Some of us guys are stubborn and get set in our ways and really do need an occasional wake-up call such as a breakup. It may be his ego, it might not be. But be sure of this, if he is not letting up, he really does want that second chance. My ex reached a similar point as you where she was at the "I can live with you or without you stage". Holidays and stuff were still fine but the deeper love was lacking on her end. Everyone on here reminds us guys that chasing is unattractive to a woman which I am sure it is. But you have to look at it in the right context. For example, he may want to contact you 20 times per week but only contacts you once or twice. It may still look like chasing but he is most likely really trying to contain himself. I think chasing is only desperate and wrong when the person shows no restraint at all. I had such a different feeling about my ex after the breakup. I wouldn't say I wanted to put her up on a pedestal. I was just really disappointed how the relationship failed and really wanted to try real hard to make it work. Unfortunately, women can take that as a sign of weakness or desperation but its not usually the case. I think the guy at that point just wants to show he cares. Of course, if the woman isn't feeling it like before, the guy would need to tone down his behaviour to get the relationship on a more equal footing. Edited September 2, 2016 by marky00
SixxChick Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 Xaviercross, ^^^^ now that makes no sense for a start. "Best friends" don't treat each other badly. From what you've written you could be in a co-dependent relationship, but whatever it is it isn't good for you. It sounds like he's manipulating you to keep you hooked - don't fall for it. Let's get this straight - you are not responsible for this guys mental health you are a person in your own right, not a psychiatric social worker. People with mental Health issues can be very demanding, manipulative and draining. You already know the relationship is toxic, so leave now. ^^^^ there's your answer. I think you need some therapy yourself - and I say that kindly - to find out why you think you are responsible for this guy and why you feel the need to rescue him. Good luck x. Read, and re-read this. 1
Arieswoman Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 This may help, xaviercross, Florence Nightingale: Why needing to fix/heal/help in the name of love is unhealthy (P1)
aloneinaz Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 You know what you need to do. Everyone here is only agreeing w/you and reinforcing it. I'm a believer that you can REALLY love someone who is NOT right nor compatible for you. This is even more evident when the other has mental health issues. You can't FIX someone w/those issues. It's not your job or obligation to do so. What you can do is recognize they are not a good fit and are bad for your health as you're discovering. Bad, toxic relationships are a habit. Like any bad habit, you're going to have some withdrawal that you have to power through. You don't owe this person anything. If you want to be kind, let him know you are fully ending it and want no further contact and wish him luck. Then, block him, change your phone number, block him on social media, etc.. At this point, worry about YOUR needs. You can't worry about his reaction or how he handles it. It's NOT your responsibility. NC and out of sight, out of mind will get your through it. You just have to be strong.
Author xaviercross Posted September 2, 2016 Author Posted September 2, 2016 Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I appreciate each of your posts, thoughts and comments and reread them a number of times. You helped give me strength. I had a Skype conversation with this guy and we discussed everything and I have initiated no contact once again — this time blocking absolutely all areas of contact that I might have forgotten before. I know I can stick it out if he's not in my life. marky00 you presented an interesting alternate view to the situation and I appreciated the potential insight into his behaviour. But as much as I would love to think he is possible of change, I can't risk it. I like to think that if he has learned anything from this relationship, then the next person along can benefit from it, just as I intend to learn from this, see the early warning signs and never allow someone to treat me like that again. Thanks again.
aloneinaz Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 But as much as I would love to think he is possible of change, I can't risk it. I can tell you with 100% clarity that as my Mother always said "people don't change". In my 4 decades on this earth, I've found that to be absolute truth".. I like to think that if he has learned anything from this relationship, then the next person along can benefit from it, just as I intend to learn from this, see the early warning signs and never allow someone to treat me like that again. Thanks again. Sadly, as I stated above, people don't change. They do a great job of "being on their best behavior" during the first few months of a R/S. Then, cracks develop in their facade and you start seeing the "real" them. This is when R/S's end because someone won't put up with it or it's turns into a toxic, unhealthy disaster. He'll move on and cause the same BS/Drama/nightmare for his next R/S. The great news is it won't be you having to deal with it anymore.
HopeisallIhave Posted September 3, 2016 Posted September 3, 2016 Leave!!! I was with the same woman for 20 years.. Age 20-40. She would leave then come back. This happened about 3-4 times. In the end.. We broke up for good last year. Have not heard a word from her since. In the end this was all a total waste of time and I'm still broken. My advice to you is the leave NOW. MOVE ON NOW.
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