I am not sure if I am capable of loving another

[thecd]

I am arriving to the conclusion that I am perhaps not capable of loving another person in a gf/bf husband/wife setting. I am perhaps too selfish and too self-centered, or perhaps my definition of love is different then the norm (i.e unconditional).

 

I had a nasty divorce a few years ago. She left because I wasn't emotionally available. Same as my girlfriend before that...3 years later, I met a different woman and this time she really is everything I have been looking for for certain...but yet the problem seems to be happening again.

 

The problem is twofold:

 

1) I feel like I've taken on too many hobbies, made too many friends, and whenever I am in a relationship on days where I just want a breather alone I am penalized. I hate not having the freedom to do whatever I want. I feel like I don't have time for relationships because I rarely have time for myself. She only wants a day a week and still I struggle to make time for her. To make things worse now she is pregnant with my baby. I will say that the idea of supporting the child and being a father excites me, but not a romantic relationship with her. My personal belief is that romance is a waste of time and energy. She, coming from a broken family argues that, stating a loving bond between parents is very important.

 

2) I don't seem to feel anything until it's too late. I feel like I shouldn't have to prove my love to her, and on her end she feels like no effort on my part translates to I don't love her. Arguably valid. I just, time after time, never feel any sort of emotion until after the fact. Emotionally immature or just slow? I don't know...

 

The other day we made plans to hang out tonight because she will be gone all weekend. I completely forgot, totally excited to have the weekend alone and she took it pretty hard. But I can't help the fact that I have a bad memory and rarely think about her. Does that mean I don't love her? I don't think so, I just don't care to prove it because frankly her feelings are not my responsibility and as well I am busy and have more important things on my mind then some human woman. Harsh though, right?

 

This has happened a few times and she has said she'd break up with me if it continues...but my thoughts are go ahead! Why are you still here? I don't care. How can I care? I am so happy being alone, I love myself. Why can't you just love yourself as much as I love myself? Then she says but I love you. Well.......

 

And as you can see it snowballs from there. I've taken some therapy and talked to my friends. Overall the general consensus is that I am a very detached person, but if anything I might have that mother not lover seeking syndrome. I have no problem with dating, meeting people, but staying in a relationship just feels so exhausting.

 

Trying to reach out to see if there is anybody else out there like me. I know this much. I love my family. I know that for sure. But these outside relationships with all these conditions and requirements...I am really struggling here. Thanks for reading.

Edited September 1, 2016 by thecd

[preraph]

I've met quite a few people I don't think are truly capable of love. Most of them think they are, but they only love when there's no responsibility attached, and that's not love. A person who really loves wants first of all for the person they love to feel happy and safe and secure. Anyone who isn't able to give that, to me, they don't know real love. Maybe because they never got real love or maybe because they were spoiled and nothing required of them growing up.

[Sunnymae]

On the bright side you won't ever have your heart broken.

[basil67]

Curious as to how you'll fit a child in. Are you aware of how much you have to give up to adequately parent a child?

[LookAtThisPOst]

I am arriving to the conclusion that I am perhaps not capable of loving another person in a gf/bf husband/wife setting. I am perhaps too selfish and too self-centered, or perhaps my definition of love is different then the norm (i.e unconditional).

 

I had a nasty divorce a few years ago. She left because I wasn't emotionally available. Same as my girlfriend before that...3 years later, I met a different woman and this time she really is everything I have been looking for for certain...but yet the problem seems to be happening again.

 

The problem is twofold:

 

1) I feel like I've taken on too many hobbies, made too many friends, and whenever I am in a relationship on days where I just want a breather alone I am penalized. I hate not having the freedom to do whatever I want. I feel like I don't have time for relationships because I rarely have time for myself. She only wants a day a week and still I struggle to make time for her. To make things worse now she is pregnant with my baby. I will say that the idea of supporting the child and being a father excites me, but not a romantic relationship with her. My personal belief is that romance is a waste of time and energy. She, coming from a broken family argues that, stating a loving bond between parents is very important.

 

2) I don't seem to feel anything until it's too late. I feel like I shouldn't have to prove my love to her, and on her end she feels like no effort on my part translates to I don't love her. Arguably valid. I just, time after time, never feel any sort of emotion until after the fact. Emotionally immature or just slow? I don't know...

 

The other day we made plans to hang out tonight because she will be gone all weekend. I completely forgot, totally excited to have the weekend alone and she took it pretty hard. But I can't help the fact that I have a bad memory and rarely think about her. Does that mean I don't love her? I don't think so, I just don't care to prove it because frankly her feelings are not my responsibility and as well I am busy and have more important things on my mind then some human woman. Harsh though, right?

 

This has happened a few times and she has said she'd break up with me if it continues...but my thoughts are go ahead! Why are you still here? I don't care. How can I care? I am so happy being alone, I love myself. Why can't you just love yourself as much as I love myself? Then she says but I love you. Well.......

 

And as you can see it snowballs from there. I've taken some therapy and talked to my friends. Overall the general consensus is that I am a very detached person, but if anything I might have that mother not lover seeking syndrome. I have no problem with dating, meeting people, but staying in a relationship just feels so exhausting.

 

Trying to reach out to see if there is anybody else out there like me. I know this much. I love my family. I know that for sure. But these outside relationships with all these conditions and requirements...I am really struggling here. Thanks for reading.

 

 

I was wondering, did you bury yourself in hobbies and such to get over previous breakups? I mean , if you're not ready to give up some of this stuff...for someone...because you will have to sacrifice.

 

Now, she's pregnant...now...you really have to sacrifice.

[thecd]

I've met quite a few people I don't think are truly capable of love. Most of them think they are, but they only love when there's no responsibility attached, and that's not love. A person who really loves wants first of all for the person they love to feel happy and safe and secure. Anyone who isn't able to give that, to me, they don't know real love. Maybe because they never got real love or maybe because they were spoiled and nothing required of them growing up.

 

Interesting! You hit the nail on the head when you said "they were spoiled and nothing required of them growing up". Precisely. I often find it a rarity these days to meet people who had a wonderful loving childhood. It's a shame.

[thecd]

I was wondering, did you bury yourself in hobbies and such to get over previous breakups? I mean , if you're not ready to give up some of this stuff...for someone...because you will have to sacrifice.

 

Now, she's pregnant...now...you really have to sacrifice.

 

I don't think I buried anything from the breakups. I've done my best to have my eyes wide open, shed tears and talk when necessary.

 

It is possible something from childhood was buried (as is for most people). Frankly it seems like a mother-son thing, because, well, I don't know how else to put it, but I think I am sexist. I just don't care what women think or feel unless I have to deal with it and even then I am just being strategic.

 

The only personal things it seems I will have to sacrifice is money and my sleep. I do think I hang with too many people on a regular basis and will most likely have to start cutting people out.

 

Thanks folks. Today I am feeling a lot better. It's tough being a psycho you know'.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I don't think I buried anything from the breakups. I've done my best to have my eyes wide open, shed tears and talk when necessary.

 

It is possible something from childhood was buried (as is for most people). Frankly it seems like a mother-son thing, because, well, I don't know how else to put it, but I think I am sexist. I just don't care what women think or feel unless I have to deal with it and even then I am just being strategic.

 

The only personal things it seems I will have to sacrifice is money and my sleep. I do think I hang with too many people on a regular basis and will most likely have to start cutting people out.

 

Thanks folks. Today I am feeling a lot better. It's tough being a psycho you know'.

 

I had forgotten to ask the million dollar question. How come you don't involve her in your hobbies/social life?

[thecd]

Certain things I prefer doing alone. I really enjoy silence. Things including watering my plants, gardening, playing guitar, cleaning the house, playing video games. I am a pretty hardcore introvert, I live in my mind. I feel self-entitled to everything I want. I believe everything is justifiable. I just don't like people. I don't need people. I NEED my ME time, otherwise I go insane. I have communicated this with her but she doesn't seem to get it, it translates into "you don't want to spend time with me". I think she has some narcissistic tendencies and I don't know how to deal with it. It just makes me upset and I say worse things.

 

The problem is I keep changing my mind. I've always been like this, detached, free. This keeps happening time and time again where I get into a relationship and months through it I realize that they are not worth sacrificing my own time, I'd rather just be alone and have freedom.

 

Then the kid thing throws a wrench into things. I get very very upset when people tell me how easy it is and how good of a parent I will be, while their kid is running around completely unaware of their environment and they bend over backwards for the damn thing, sacrificing all their dreams for another waste of human flesh. I refuse to raise a child, I will raise a powerful sorcerer if anything. I am a very cruel and controlling person with old mentalities, I don't think it's a good idea for me to have a child... because I will certainly discipline through fear and abuse. Sorry if that upsets anyone but I am being honest here, I will repeat...it's a VERY BAD IDEA for me to have a child and nobody is listening to me! For example. Some say it's wrong to leave your kid unattended. I don't see anything wrong with that all. Worst case scenario, if the kid dies, so what? Don't I have like millions of sperms? Can't I just make another? I just can't seem to be able to see this as a blessing. It feels like a curse for sure.

 

I think I am just going to have to take some therapy to figure this out. I am missing this empathy gene. Some say that's maybe something the kid will bring you, but I am scared it won't. Really scared. I am even prepared to bail on the birth date and leave her all alone, simply because it was her decision not to abort or kill the thing.

 

Pretty dark stuff going on in my head these days, trying really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Edited September 6, 2016 by thecd

[Inflikted]

I can relate to this. Me, I've never dated or had any kind of a connection with another person, whatsoever, and I've long since come to conclusion and accepted that I never will. Part of that has to do with the fact that I'm not capable of being loved by another person (nor do I deserve anyone's love of affection). But another part of it is that I don't believe I'm capable of actually loving someone or something else.

 

Truth be told, I don't care about anyone. I don't mean that in a way to suggest that I'm standoffish or rude to people. I just genuinely have no capacity for caring about the lives of another person. Whether that makes me selfish, self-centered, or self-absorbed, I guess isn't up to me to decide.

 

In the past, I thought I "felt" things for people. In particular, over the course of my life, there were two girls I thought I had feelings for. Neither wanted to date me, of course. But looking back, I think it's more apt to say that I was simply "obsessed" with them. For one reason or another. Did I "care" for them? Did I "have feelings" for them? I thought I did, but thinking about it now, I'm not so sure. I was obsessed with them.

 

Even in a day to day, platonic sense, I don't seem to have the capacity for connecting with another person. I'm not good at having basic conversations with people, simply because I'm not particularly interested in getting to know them or learning more about them.

 

Through my teens and my early 20s, I was so lonely, and wanted so badly to have friends and to date and to fall in love and to eventually get married, and all that. But thinking about it now, how can I possibly have any of those things when I don't care about anyone, when I don't have the capacity to actually "love" someone else?

 

The closest I've ever come to that is "obsession", and that tends to take me down a dark path that pushes the other person away, more than anything else.

[thecd]

Thanks for the reply. That really resonates.