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Broke up but wants to be together

MarylandSib

By MarylandSib
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MarylandSib New Member

MarylandSib

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For context, we are both juniors in college (michigan state if that makes any difference...)

 

We dated for a few months, then ended things mutually because she said she felt like she wasnt ready to commit and still wanted to have fun with guys. Totally got that. We remained best friends after. Heres where my issue is. She says she wants to end up with me (eg shes asked if tentatively id be willing to marry her, told me about dreams where we end up together, even asked if id be willing to do it ceremonially if her mom, who has cancer but wants to see her daughter get married, worsens in health). But, she still wants to have fun with guys. So she is like actively flirting with this one dude (we are very close so shes pretty open about it if i ask), and she insists it means nothing. She still asks me to come over constsntly and we hang out, talk, kiss, etc for several hours every day. If i ever get a text or snap from a girl, she pretend tries to smack my phone out. She gets really jealous, if i ecen mention i talked to another girl who i find attractive she gets annoyed, shes even gone so far as to go on my tinder account and unmatch me from people. My problem is this:

 

I get she still has some feelings for me. And it seems like its one of two options here:

 

1. She likes me enough that im her fallback, but she wants to try and see if she can do better (shes way more attractive than me - im probably a 6- 7 on my best, shes naturally a 9 or a 10)

 

2. She really does just want meaningless casual fun and i guess the phrase is "met me at the wrong time"

 

 

Ive made it very clear to her that even if she decides she doesnt want to be with me, shes not going to lose me as a friend at all (in case she was worried about that)

 

On the one hand i dont want to put my life and relationships on hold for someone who doesnt reciprocate, but on the other hand i really love this girl and havent had a connection with anyone like ive had with her.

 

Are there any signs i can use to decide whether its option 1 or 2, so i can make the decision to move on? I feel like im in a limbo, and it would be a complete ******* move on my part to demand she settle right now (we are both only 20), but i cant wait around and potentially miss opportunities for someone who doesnt feel the same. What can i look for to indicate what i should do?

 

Also if needed i can list more things on why i think she still has feelings

kendahke Established Member

kendahke

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Her feelings are not your problem. That's her heavy lifting.

 

I wouldn't be waiting around for anything with her. I'd be going out and dating women and finding someone who wants to be with me and build something with me. Tough rocks if she gets mad---she had her chance and she turned you down. That doesn't mean you owe her putting your life up on a shelf until she decides she's been with enough men that now she wants to settle for you---which is what she's saying here. Being with you is settling. Are you good with that? I hope not.

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kendahke Established Member

kendahke

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The only reason why you feel you are in limbo is because you have willingly placed yourself in friendzone-limbo. No one else. You can only blame yourself for that, s0n.

 

Follow your own mind and stop taking cues from someone who is entertaining every other guy in town but you.

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leogirl876 Established Member

leogirl876

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You should move on! Why are you waiting around for this girl to make up her mind while in the meantime, she's flirting with other guys? She wants to get dating and flirting out of her system and keep you around when it's convenient for her. Drop her!!! (and that's what you get for going to Michigan State, that wouldn't happen at Michigan! Go Blue! ;-))

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MarylandSib New Member

MarylandSib

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The only reason why you feel you are in limbo is because you have willingly placed yourself in friendzone-limbo. No one else. You can only blame yourself for that, s0n.

 

Follow your own mind and stop taking cues from someone who is entertaining every other guy in town but you.

 

The problem is that its not like shes been with anyone else since - she told a mutual friend that shes been holding back from dating anyone because shes afraid ill move on. When i said shes flirting, its pretty mild (shes one of those people that is naturally bubbly and outgoing).

basil67 Established Member

basil67

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The problem is that its not like shes been with anyone else since - she told a mutual friend that shes been holding back from dating anyone because shes afraid ill move on. When i said shes flirting, its pretty mild (shes one of those people that is naturally bubbly and outgoing).

 

If she was *truly* afraid you'd move on, she'd grab you with both hands and make you hers.

 

If there's ever an example of a time for "I can't be your friend because it's stopping me from moving on", this is it.

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anduina Established Member

anduina

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It doesn't bother you that she gets jealous of your interests and expects you to accept her interests? This type of hypocrisy should make you sit up and take notice of what type of person she really is and how any future life with her, might play out.

 

Be the guy who's sick of her childish behavior. Find a real woman who will treat you right.

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kendahke Established Member

kendahke

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The problem is that its not like shes been with anyone else since - she told a mutual friend that shes been holding back from dating anyone because shes afraid ill move on. When i said shes flirting, its pretty mild (shes one of those people that is naturally bubbly and outgoing).

 

Like she is going to tell you when she's been having sex with other guys... she's telling you what she wants you to know about her business--don't think that she's telling you or your mutual friend everything. She's managing you by feeding your friend just enough to "go run tell dat", knowing that you'll fall for it.

 

who she has or hasn't been with is non sequitur.

 

she's not with you and has no plans to for the foreseeable future.

 

If you want to sit around wasting youth and time waiting on her, then own that and do it with no illusions as to who really is making you sit around and do it. The person to take that up with is in the mirror.

 

she still wants to have fun with guys. So she is like actively flirting with this one dude (we are very close so shes pretty open about it if i ask), and she insists it means nothing. She still asks me to come over constsntly and we hang out, talk, kiss, etc for several hours every day.
How does her "pretty mild" flirting with other men make you feel when you see her do it?

 

Her flirting means enough to her that she engages in it despite knowing how you feel about her. You are not on her emotional radar--IMO, if I knew there was a guy that I know I wasn't going to give any play to, I certainly wouldn't not tell him anything about who I'm flirting with because I'd have consideration for his feelings and take care not to rub his nose in it, especially if I'm feeding him a line of BS talking about I want to marry him someday. That is bait on the hook that's firmly in your cheek.

Edited by kendahke
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