redvelvetcouch Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 Hi. I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year. We are both in our early 30s. Recently, we decided to move in together, and he's started looking at rings with me. Up until recently, our relationship has had very few problems. We don't have a cheating or jealousy issue, we love each other's families, we are loving and supportive of each other, and (I thought) we are comfortable with each other to talk openly about concerns in both our relationship and life in general. When I met him, he told me he worked in data science and was completing his masters at an Ivy League school nearby. I have been working ten years in my field and recently got a job offer to run a very prestigious institute, which I'm starting later this month. I'm saying all this to emphasize that we aren't kids, and that we (I thought) were bringing a fair amount of career experience, education, etc to the relationship - that basically we were at similar places in life. This all came crashing down this past weekend. As we are moving into my apartment (it's larger and I have a two year lease), we've been gradually bringing his things over. As I was unpacking one of his suitcases with him, I found an eviction notice between two shirts. It turned out he hadn't paid rent on his apartment for the past six months, and owed upwards of $20,000 in backrent. He didn't really have an answer or an excuse, but he said he'd taken care of it. We went back over to his apartment - I had not been there in a while because it is way up town from my location and we mostly spend time at my place - and it was in a total state of disarray. I'm not talking messy - I'm talking garbage (pizza boxes, clothes, receipts, roaches) covering every inch of the floor. I'm shocked, but I start helping him put things back in order. He asks me to help him shred some old bank statements, and I see that while he has well into a six figure sum in his checking account, none of his bills are being paid - final shut off notices from Con Ed, late payments from credit card statements, thousands of dollars in tuition late fees from his school. These are all opened, so I know that he's seen them and that he has the money - he just chose not to pay. And then I find perhaps the biggest betrayal: his report card from this ivy league school saying that he dropped all of his fall classes. So where was he this entire time? At this apartment, reading but not doing any work. I asked him if he did the same for the spring semester, and he said he dropped one class. My frustration lies in the fact that he doesn't work because he's getting his Masters, so why isn't he completing his classes. This isn't a community college or a state school where the tuition is low - this is a big-name university that he had to have presumably high test scores to get into and now he can't cut it. Also, judging by his report card that was with these papers, he might not even have ever finished his undergraduate degree - which is a huge deal for me because I have an advanced degree. I suppose I'm asking what to do now. We're 90% through with the move, but how can I trust him moving forward? I still love him, but I feel completely unsafe (financially) in the relationship, and I don't want to end up paying for him to live a certain lifestyle without him contributing. I worry that he might never be able to hold down a job/get a job (he can't give me specifics on any time that he's been employed for more than a year), and that he clearly won't have graduated by next May (when he originally told me he was getting his degree). I worry that love isn't enough, and that maybe I should put myself first and stop trying to be understanding, particularly when I'm not getting any younger and was hoping to start a family in the next two years (and he had said we would many times). I clearly cannot have a child with someone who can't show up to class and pay his electric bill. How can I do what's good for me but also be compassionate (something he's accusing me of not being at the moment)? He says he can fix all of this, but I'm worried it may be too little too late.
bighearted Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 PLEASE do not let this guy move in with you! You should have a good idea of someone's financial situation before you decide to live with them. And you had been dating for a year and had no clue. If he downright lied to you about these things and the school, then you're looking at even bigger problems down the road. Don't let this boys immaturity negatively affect your life. 1
Zahara Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 How can I do what's good for me but also be compassionate (something he's accusing me of not being at the moment)? He says he can fix all of this, but I'm worried it may be too little too late. "Fixing" only when caught. If you had not seen all of this, what would have been the outcome? I was married to someone like this and it sucked me dry. And the propensity to lie -- you'd have to wonder what other lies and secrets are out there. DO NOT move in together. It's not your responsibility to be compassionate. It's your responsibility to protect yourself first and foremost, even if it means doing the difficult thing. He has to suffer the repercussions. Unfortunately, someone who is patterned to behave this way will only keep repeating their ways. It doesn't just go away just because you caught him. 3
smackie9 Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 My husband was the same way, his place was a mess, etc BUT he did pay his rent.....I didn't let him move in with me until he had some bearing on paying his debt. I put my foot down. He couldn't live with me unless he can pay half for everything, and I wasn't going to loan money to him ever. It was a kick in the pants, but it got real when he couldn't get a loan, and I wasn't cosigning. He had to pay back that credit card debt, fix his bills. He made a deal he would pay a cash amount which was almost half, they accepted. He did learn pretty quickly. The thing that helped is that we kept separate bank accounts. We don't even share a credit card. I recommend you do the same thing. You need to confront him immediately and tell him that in no way you are going to support him or his debt, that you will not tolerate his pacifying you that "he will take care of it". you need to set some house rules. Like how the bills get paid, the division of the cooking, cleaning. Get him to one of those credit help places to consolidate and make a plan to pay his debt. Me personally wouldn't let him move in. He is bad news. He is a slob, lazy, useless, unreliable and a liar. It's bad bad bad. I wouldn't let him have any access to your money. hide your wallet. 4
LostOnes05 Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 That is quite a bit of a shock. I think that you should hold off on moving in together, even if it is 90% done. And definitely, hold off on looking at rings or any talk of marriage. He has to be able to take care of himself before he can take care of you and a family. Not paying bills and not paying them on time will seriously mess up your credit score. This becomes a problem when you want to buy a house, car, etc. Banks don't care that you had a 3.8 GPA from an Ivy League school if the car payments and mortgage payments are six months behind...they will only want to know where to pick up the car and how quickly you can move out so they can put your house on the market as a foreclosure. I think a lot of people associate intelligence and scores with work ethic and that isn't always the case. I knew a guy with arguably photographic memory that never had to study in school, but still did poorly because he either didn't do assignments or turned them in well past the deadline. Essentially, his poor work ethic overruled his intelligence. Now, graduate school is perhaps one of the most difficult academic endeavors I have ever completed. But not going to class and/or not doing the work is inexcusable. I understand that when you are studying, sometimes things can get out of place and messy, but to that level is also inexcusable. If you love him, hold him accountable for his actions or rather, his inaction. If you're good with creating budgets, help him make one and see if he sticks to it. Everyone has a smartphone these days, so he can set alerts a week before a bill is due to ensure it is paid on time (and there are apps as well). He has to prove that he can clean up after himself and not need you to chastise him to do so. By any chance, does he have any type of learning impairment...ADD, ADHD, dyslexia, or a history of depression? Regardless, give him a time frame to make the necessary improvements. If not, stick to your guns and know that you did all you could to salvage the relationship. Best of luck!
smackie9 Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 I pretty much agree with the others. Run for the hills. This guy is a scrub, and he will suck you dry. You have been dating for a year, and you never seen the state of his place? I have a feeling he isn't getting his bachelors degree of anything.....lies all lies.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 STOP THE MOVE IN NOW....REVERSE! This guy is going to spend his time on the couch while you support him. He should find a job and be on his own for a while until you are satisfied that he can be independent and not a soul-sucker at your expense!!!
kendahke Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 I"m shocked that you two have never had a talk about living styles and that you have never been to his house in a year's time--that level of slovenly living doesn't spring up in 2 weeks. Whose idea was it for you two to move in together? I'd say to take his stuff back to his place and do not let him move in with you. YOu will be taking care of someone you already know right now has no problem lying to you, presenting himself falsely to you, isn't in a rush to grow up or to work and he's a freakin' slob--those roaches are probably hiding out in his stuff, making the ride to your house. No--there isn't really nothing to think about here. End this unless you want to spend all your time and money taking care of a grown 9 yr old. 1
kendahke Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 How can I do what's good for me but also be compassionate (something he's accusing me of not being at the moment)? He says he can fix all of this, but I'm worried it may be too little too late. He is guilt tripping and manipulating you. This has absolutely nothing to do with compassion. It has to do with him being a bald-faced liar for the past year. He has thought nothing of lying your face while lying next to you in bed. Compassion?!?! That's a two way street whose intersection is respect. He has none for you. He sees a meal ticket and has figured out a way to sex himself into your life. Like Zahara said, fixing after being caught? If you'd never seen those documents, he would still be lying by omission to you. Sit down and think about that. You never owe a liar compassion. Tell him to look to his mother for compassion--you're not that one. 2
Gr8fuln2020 Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 How can I do what's good for me but also be compassionate (something he's accusing me of not being at the moment)? He says he can fix all of this, but I'm worried it may be too little too late. Do not fall for this! So many irresponsible people, especially men, try to play this guilt card. DO NOT BUY INTO IT. He didn't think about your concerns for a single moment when he was hiding all the crap he was doing and trying to move in like the snake he is. 2
BaileyB Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 Consider yourself lucky that you have learned this before he moved in and before you got married/had kids. There is no way I would love in with this guy. No way... 1
preraph Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 Listen, this guy is a chronic liar! You HAVE to run and just get out of his life. He's nuts! He'll ruin you financially and every other way.
purplesoccer34 Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 Run away! You said it yourself, you can't have a child with someone who can't show up to class and can't pay his bills. There are many, many other things that would be extremely difficult for you to do with someone who is so irresponsible. And not to mention all the lying. Who knows what else he is hiding from you? You've been together for only a year. I can't imagine the problems that would show up if you stayed with him for say, ten years. Forget about compassion here--he lied to you. First and foremost, you need to take care of yourself.
sc0316 Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 (edited) Do you think your boyfriend might have some sort of long-term depression or addiction problem? It's strange that he has had enough savings in the bank all along and chose to be behind with all those bills. It's possible that he dropped all his classes in the fall because his emotional state didn't allow him to handle/finish. I'm just speculating, but his situation sounds different from that of a typical deadbeat. Edited September 2, 2016 by sc0316 1
sc0316 Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 A couple of follow-up questions: -Is he usually pretty disorganized in other aspects of his daily life? -How was he able to save so much money if he never managed to keep a job for more than a year? From how much he had owed for 6 months of rent, it appears that he lived in a pretty nice apartment for someone doing a masters degree (3k/month?). Has his landlord filed a claim in the court against him already?
h0000 Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 Why no body is asking "why didn't he pay and why did he drop out"?
Bialy Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 There are so many red flags. How does he explain himself? Does his family know?
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