Was my ex abusive???

[spottedjellies]

Hi so I read this and I really relate to a lot of the feelings the writer was having- they almost completely described the dynamic of my last relationship: " I stayed with my ex for so long because he treated me like a prize within a project. And since I have always felt like just a project, this was about the best thing in the world. The dynamic between us was like sucking and shoving: there were times where he would pull me into him and act like he never wanted me to go, but without warning he would shove me away and ignore me until he felt like talking to me again. "- from the thought catalog article

[it's Hard When You Miss Your Abusive Ex - Thought Catalog]

 

Basically..... I do believe this was our dynamic but I don't believe my ex was doing it to manipulate me? I think he just genuinely didnt care about me and sometimes felt guilty so tried a bit... I mean since we broke up he has not contacted me and got really annoyed at me for contacting him and did say he hoped I would move on or didnt care if i was dating someone so, would a manipulator even say that?

 

Basically my ex would put me down a lot and ignore me and get mad at me when I got emotional, he kept things from me, but he was also very sweet and made me feel very loved sometimes. I felt like it depended on how I was acting- if I was sad or upset he would be distant, ignore me, tell me he does not love me, but if i was very energetic and happy he would say he loves me and made me feel very special...

 

I just don't believe he is the type to want to manipulate anyone, he is so smart and seems to care consciously about his actions- just not when I am involved.

 

So I am confused since reading articles about abusive relationships and sometimes fitting the symptoms, but could it just have been a bad match and he is not abusive at all?

Is it possible to be abusive without the goal of controlling someone?

Was I actually the abusive one all along for being jealous and getting emotional?

 

I hope this makes sense.. thank you!

Edited September 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
URL removed

[Arieswoman]

Hi spottedjellies,

 

Basically my ex would put me down a lot and ignore me and get mad at me when I got emotional, he kept things from me, but he was also very sweet and made me feel very loved sometimes.

 

^^^ this is psychological abuse.

 

I think it's called "push-pull", but whatever name it has, it's still abuse.

 

Be glad you're out of this.

 

Good luck x

[aloneinaz]

You need to ask yourself why you care? He's your ex. What are you gaining doing all those mental gymnastics replaying that failed R/S and his actions. I think you'd be much better off keeping busy and not ruminating over something that failed. Is it easy to hit a switch to stop thinking about it? No. But you can do it.

 

Focus on healing from it. Go to a gym or walks with upbeat music in your ears. Spend your time thinking about what you want in a R/S. Think about right now, your next great love is out there and how excited your are to meet him in the near future.

 

Once you make a conscience decision to think this way vs. rehashing the past, your feel much better. You'll also come to the conclusion that relationships fail all the time. Who doesn't have a few. It's part of life. The challenge is to not take them like a life or death event.

[Miss Peach]

Abuse really is about control and entitlement for most types of abusers. I highly recommend two books to you to see if either of them is striking any chords.

 

Many people in abusive relationships will respond to one of these books. The first is great for verbal abuse (which often goes along with emotional abuse and manipulation). It seems like that could be what you're experiencing and if so, it will be good validation.

 

The second book is by someone who spent a lot of time trying to rehabilitate abusers and has a good handle on the different tactics that may be used. There is a chapter on specific styles he tends to encounter and one of them may resonate with you.

 

1. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans

2. Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft

 

I also do agree with the other poster. There is no real reason to analyze your exes unless you see a pattern you need to change. If he is your only one then it may have just been a bad picker. If he wasn't then I would look at yourself - especially your self esteem. It's often low self esteem or poor boundaries that allows these guys into your life. I found Natalie Lue's blog called baggage reclaim to be really helpful in that area. She also has books if that's the style you prefer.

Edited September 1, 2016 by Miss Peach

[jellybean824]

It's normal for any relationship to have ups and downs-there will be days when you both think the world of each other, and everything seems right. Then there will be days when you can only see the negative, arguments arise, and feelings get hurt. Again, in any relationship, this is normal. However, when you are talking about an abusive relationship, there is a typical "cycle of abuse." Here is a resource Healing the Wounds of Emotional Abuse | Focus on the Family that might help explain the signs and symptoms of abusive relationships.

[Satu]

Have a look through this list and see how much of it you've experienced:

 

 

1. They humiliate you, put you down, or make fun of you in front of other people.

 

2. They regularly demean or disregard your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.

 

3. They use sarcasm or “teasing” to put you down or make you feel bad about yourself.

 

4. They accuse you of being “too sensitive” in order to deflect their abusive remarks.

 

5. They try to control you and treat you like a child.

 

6. They correct or chastise you for your behavior.

 

7. You feel like you need permission to make decisions or go out somewhere.

 

8. They try to control the finances and how you spend money.

 

9. They belittle and trivialize you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.

 

10. They try to make you feel as though they are always right, and you are wrong.

 

11. They give you disapproving or contemptuous looks or body language.

 

12. They regularly point out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.

 

13. They accuse or blame you of things you know aren’t true.

 

14. They have an inability to laugh at themselves and can’t tolerate others laughing at them.

 

15. They are intolerant of any seeming lack of respect.

 

16. They make excuses for their behavior, try to blame others, and have difficulty apologizing.

 

17. The repeatedly cross your boundaries and ignore your requests.

 

18. They blame you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.

 

19. They call you names, give you unpleasant labels, or make cutting remarks under their breath.

 

20. They are emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable most of the time.

 

21. They resort to pouting or withdrawal to get attention or attain what they want.

 

22. They don’t show you empathy or compassion.

 

23. They play the victim and try to deflect blame to you rather than taking personal responsibility.

 

24. They disengage or use neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.

 

25. They don’t seem to notice or care about your feelings.

 

26. They view you as an extension of themselves rather than as an individual.

 

27. They withhold sex as a way to manipulate and control.

 

28. They share personal information about you with others.

 

29. They invalidate or deny their emotionally abusive behavior when confronted.

 

30. They make subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.

 

(Credit for this list goes to Barrie Davenport.)

 

 

 

Take care.

[basil67]

 

Basically my ex would put me down a lot and ignore me and get mad at me when I got emotional, he kept things from me,

 

I can't comment on his behaviour without looking further at yours.

 

What did you get emotional about? What was your behaviour like when you became emotional? For example, if you were critical of him during these times, it makes sense that he'd react poorly.

 

What kind of things did he keep from you?

[spottedjellies]

I can't comment on his behaviour without looking further at yours.

 

What did you get emotional about? What was your behaviour like when you became emotional? For example, if you were critical of him during these times, it makes sense that he'd react poorly.

 

What kind of things did he keep from you?

 

Basically it was a really gradual process but nothing very big... if he was going out one night he would lie and tell me he is busy instead (this happened frequently) or about his relationship with girls he would text a lot- one girl he had made out with and never told me, or the fact that he dated another girl in high school

These are small things so if he had told me about them I would not have gotten upset, honest- and when he told me about the girl he dated I didn't freak out- with the other one I did becase they were texting sooo frequently

when I was emotional I would cry a lot and heavily and yeah I would ask him to change but I was never agressive, always apologized, but I did realize I was taking out a lot of the pain I felt in the relationship/my own life during these times.

So I realize I could also be toxic.

It was weird because he told me I was always angry, so hard to date, and so needy... but all I asked for was for him to be more transparent about things, if theres no need for me to worry (and i really believe there was none) why would he still have to lie ?? After we broke up he said I should have been angry more-instead of just crying all the time...

Idk if this makes sense, a lot of our relationship was kinda weird

thanks for getting me thinking about my own behavior