New Here! My Story! ...

[whathappened610]

Heres my story... I am the OW to a MM however I am in a LTR of 14 years myself. Me and MM have been having an EA (with making out but no other physical contact) for 9 months. He and I do have a history as we went to H.S together and briefly dated back then (not offically bf and gf tho- just hung out and was starting to know one another romantically back then) So we have known one another for over 17 years. He and I have been on and off of contact since graduating HS, with him always being the one to reach out. (which is why I thought this A with a MM was a diff situation then the ones you hear about) About 3 years ago he contacted me again and we talked for many months I didn't have feelings for him back then but one day he told me "why do I have feelings for you I don't even have for my wife?" (and she was pregnant at the time).... well one day we just lost touch....

 

 

Now about 9 months ago he contacts me again. and we have talked everyday for 2+ hours a day since and done some meeting up. Like the stories I have read here... He has told me he loves me, and Ive said it back, as I do have feelings this time around. We have had the usual push and pull too where one of us gets hurt by the others actions with their BF/BS. He has told me he wants to be with me but give him time to figure things out with his wife as far the kid and finances go. Then he told me she was gonna get a "certificate/degree" for work and he'd stay in their home until she got it (he is the money maker, she works part time).

 

He told me his BW and he have had several talks where they both said they aren't in love with each other and they don't want to be together but they will remain civil for their kid and he will stay in the house until they are financially able to live apart.

 

As far as my LTR goes, we have had issues in the past, but I thought we were doing okay until MM came around. MM made me feel alive, wanted and appreciated. I didn't realize how much I didn't have that until MM gave it to me. Add our history onto it and how he said I was his "one that got away" and I was swept off my feet. SO my LTR (bf) and I decided we needed something big to make or break us since we have been stagnant for years and we decided he is moving out (he leaves in a few weeks). I told MM about the move and he hasn't had too much of a response. Altho he gets upset if I cant talk when the bf is around or if I go furniture shopping with the bf. (I eleaborated and told the MM that me and the bf broke up AND that hes moving- actually we are gonna try dating one another still, I just wanted to see what MM would do knowing I was "single")

 

 

So flash forward to now...me and MM are on a break again.. the longest one we have had so far was a week and we actually were in contact on social media during those times. This has been 10 days and I am afraid its really over. We fought a lot the last time we talked about why does he have to still put on the perfect hubby role if they don't wanna be together whether they live together or not. And why we haven't seen one another in a while and why is it such a chore. We didn't have any convos about us taking a break but when I called him the next day he didn't answer and never contacted me on social media or text since. So I haven't reached back out.

 

 

I have a feeling we are done bc of me wanting more bc I am "single" and he has no intentions of leaving his wife. Despite all the times he told me he wanted to be with me, and the "only thing in the world that matters to him is that we end up together" and how many times hes been hurt by me going on dates and being with my bf bc he and his wife "haven't had any physical or emotional contact".

 

 

I wanna reach out to him everyday! I kind of think he will still reach out to me after my bf leaves.. and part of me is hopeful that maybe he is trying to decide what his next steps will be bc he knows that if I am "single" he could loose me to someone new. He has told me before that if he and I cant be together he cant be my friend. He said he refuses to see me happy with someone else and he cant bear "losing me again". Yet he hasn't deleted me from social media and of course I'm reading into that thinking- it cant be over for him or he would have deleted me. Dumb/immature thinking...probably.

 

 

So That's my story! I tried making it short :/ Any and all input is welcome.

 

Something Id really like to know tho is why when he wanted to be with me for so many years and all these months..is he being weird now that its down to the wire and my bf is moving out? Is it too real? Any MM on here that can answer that if you were in his shoes?

 

 

We told each other in the beginning that if either of us had a change in feelings for one another or we couldn't do this anymore that we would have a discussion about it since we have been friends for so long- we kinda owe it to each other. We haven't had that talk which is another thing that makes me think maybe this isn't done for good or maybe hes just a coward?!

 

If I don't hear from him in a month I think I am gonna reach out to him and see if he is willing to meet up and chat about everything that transpired between us. My friends say its a bad idea and just let him go. Ideas?

 

 

Thanks in advance LS! This site has been quite insightful reading others stories and I am eager to see what you all have to say <3

[BuddyX]

Go NC. Do not reach out. Remember, every time you reach out you're stroking his ego, and your validating your role (mistress).

 

You mentioned you talk to him for 2 hours. I know married couples who can't get 2 min to take a cr@p. Where does he find the time?

[Ronnie33]

Go NC. Do not reach out. Remember, every time you reach out you're stroking his ego, and your validating your role (mistress).

 

You mentioned you talk to him for 2 hours. I know married couples who can't get 2 min to take a cr@p. Where does he find the time?[/quote

 

At work

[whathappened610]

We are no contact except for our snap chats. He can still see my snap chat stories and I can't bear the idea of deleting him from that. But I'm gonna try not to post any pics to it.

 

We talk for 2 hours everyday while he's working. Then he calls me on his way home or to the store or to run any errands. And then he text me and messages me during the times he's home too even with the BS is there.

 

 

What good do u think NC is gonna do? You think he really does wanna be with me and he's gotta sort some things out or you think NC is more for my benefit of getting over him?

 

 

Like I said.. I do wanna reach out in a month if I don't hear from him and see if he's up for a talk. Do u think it's a bad idea? I guess I just want answers. I feel so blindsided. Like this isn't what he said he wanted and I know him better than this with our past

[Chica80]

The answers you want are not in the words he says. They are in his actions. He can say whatever he wants I love you my wife and i are only together for kids finances etc....

 

Until he actually leaves and shows you he wants to be with you it means nothing.

 

He said nothing when you told him you broke up because you are not even now. Now that you are single, you will expect more want more.

[DKT3]

It's not a confusing situation, you just don't want to admit he is no longer interested because you're single.

 

I think you should either be honest with your bf about why he is really moving out or leave him alone in the future, once you admit that the relationship with mm isn't going anywhere.

[BuddyX]

Work, 2 hours?

Doubt he's moving up the company ladder when he's spending so much time on the phone.

 

And yes, go NC for your own sake. I don't understand how you can look in the mirror and think it's ok to be someone's side piece.

 

Delete him from your life.

 

I'll leave you with a couple quotes from previous LS members

 

"Why do we want someone like that in our lives? They don't love us. They love what they get from us without having to sacrifice anything to get that from us. It's disgusting actually."

 

"..,,you will experience immeasurable, earth-shattering pain. I'm not trying to scare you. But one day he will disappear because his partner finds out. He will treat you as if you are nothing, even beneath his contempt. You will experience the worst form of betrayal imaginable -- abandonment."

[HeCantBreakMe]

Not an expert here and dealing with my own bad choices but i can say that when you feel the need to manipulate a situation - like you did by telling him you were single when the truth is you are not- that is never a good sign.

 

You should never feel the need to manipulate a situation to get someone to want to be with you.

 

That is all i can offer. good luck.

[imperfectangel]

He's backing off because he's realised he might actually be expected to carry out some of the things he's promised you. It's easy for him to say he'll leave when you have a BF because he probably never expected to actually be in a situation where you expected him to actually leave

 

It's all words. Look at his actions. The writings on the wall

[anika99]

The MM is not leaving his marriage, that is obvious.

 

Why are playing such a cruel game with your long term bf? Just tell him you are seeing someone else and let him go

[whathappened610]

Thanks for the replies everybody!! Getting input from unbiased outside sources can be really helpful and I'm thankful for this site!

 

Now as far as my LTR goes.. I didn't say too much as I was trying to keep my story short. But honestly I am still in love with my LTR bf very much so. I know it's hard to believe being that I got involved with MM. But honestly I didn't think anything of talking with MM at first bc I didn't have feelings for him last time we talked. it just sort of happened. My bf moving out was a mutual decision and something we discussed a year prior to me and MMs thing. Me and the bf actually have done MC twice now and so we had other issues prior. Most which stem from us getting together so young and not thinking back at the age of 17 what we would want/need from a spouse and our completely diff personalities!

 

As selfish and disgusting as it sounds.. I kinda thought it would be ok to keep up with the MM all while having the space from my bf so me and the bf could figure out what we needed to. I thought I could compartmentilze the two. I think deep down I never really thought MM was gonna leave... I hear they hardly do. But at the same time just bc he's liked me for several years I thought maybe it would end up different.

 

I think now I am just gonna focus on my LTR and move forward with that. I especially like the quote "you deserve more than crumbs" and that's so right. Besides I am outta MM league anyway or so everyone who knows us tells me

[whathappened610]

He's backing off because he's realised he might actually be expected to carry out some of the things he's promised you. It's easy for him to say he'll leave when you have a BF because he probably never expected to actually be in a situation where you expected him to actually leave

 

It's all words. Look at his actions. The writings on the wall

 

Honestly I too think this is what it is! And I think it's too big of a gamble to leave his wife and kid for someone he doesn't know if it's gonna work out with or not.

[Forever broken]

They claim they are unhappy. Is all lies, they never leave their wives. Discontinue investing in him because he will break your heart.

[SoulCat]

and part of me is hopeful that maybe he is trying to decide what his next steps will be bc he knows that if I am "single" he could lose me to someone new.

 

 

If I don't hear from him in a month I think I am gonna reach out to him and see if he is willing to meet up and chat about everything that transpired between us.

 

These above statements indicate that you are still very hung up on this guy, so....

 

I think now I am just gonna focus on my LTR and move forward with that.

 

...this is very unfair on your boyfriend. Despite your declarations that you are in love with him, the reality is that you are stringing him along.

All the while hoping your married guy will choose you over his wife and family.

 

 

Let your boyfriend go so he can find someone who genuinely loves him.

[BuddyX]

These above statements indicate that you are still very hung up on this guy, so....

 

 

 

...this is very unfair on your boyfriend. Despite your declarations that you are in love with him, the reality is that you are stringing him along.

All the while hoping your married guy will choose you over his wife and family.

 

 

Let your boyfriend go so he can find someone who genuinely loves him.

 

Dead on^^^

 

At the very least tell your BF of your indescretion and give him the right to choose. Doubt you'll do it though. Because it might mean, gasp, you'll end up alone.

Remember, it's better to be alone and happy then together and lonely.

[Grammie]

Wow....it always makes me perplexed when people who dated in high school meet back up years later and think they will be a good couple...especially when they are married/with someone else.

 

This guy doesn't seem like he is that into you. He hasn't contacted you in 10 days...that's not the sign of love. I agree with the others that said he doesn't want you single because you are going to expect him to become single.

 

Don't contact him in a month. Work on yourself. Work on why you think it was a good idea to start something up with this old h/s friend (he wasn't even a boy friend according to you - just some guy you dated (had sex with?). You cannot turn the clock back.

 

If you want to work on your relationship with your LTR, you must be honest - with yourself and him. It isn't fair to him to have you spending your time daydreaming about the MM. You definitely wouldn't like it if your LTR was doing the same thing to you -- sneaking around, saying ILY to some other lady, making out, etc.

 

Look inward for happiness. LTR's can become 'stale' or complacent. New relationships bring out the butterflies...but you cannot compare the two. One is built on a foundation, the other is built on lust. Lust doesn't last. Heck, even foundations don't last, but if you really won't stop wanting a relationship with the MM, then tell the LTR guy that you are going to date OTHERS and be intimate with OTHERS...that gives him the opportunity to do the same thing.

[Ahurtgirl]

I'm sorry you are going through this as well. I am learning that all the things married men say to their affair partners are all lies to keep them involved and also because they like to string a woman along and make them believe they will leave the wife at some point in time or that they are having a hard time choosing between the two and need time to decide especially if there are kids involved. I'm not sure if they begin to actually believe the lies themselves or what, but the minute they feel that their family or wife could be in jeopardy by an AP presence, they cut off ties in an instant and delete them out of their lives. We go from being the amazing wonderful woman that they always had dreamed of having in their lives to being a home wrecking crazy lady that chased and forced them to continue their affairs so that their wife feels bad for them and hates the OW rather than realizing their husband was the one who pursued and created the whole mess in the start. Just be thankful he left you now and not how many years from now, just as I am trying to do so as well. It is hard and so many ups and downs in the healing process but even though the wife may feel she has won her husband back, she is the one left with a cheater. Love yourself enough to let him go. He is not worth the pain and sorrow. Find someone who will make you number 1 in his life.

[imsosad]

Im sorry for your pain and confusion.

You say you are very much in love with your LT partner, but your actions are telling a different story. You basically seperated from your bf to make yourself available for MM. Am I wrong? Maybe you do love your bf and dont want to let go of him, but you wanted an opening,a chance to be available without losing your LTR.

Look at MM's reaction. He is not happy with you being single. It disrupts the equation. I know a married man who has carried out multiple long term affairs. He says openly he's alwayslooking for a married woman,preferably a mother, who will also want to cake eat,have as much to lose as he does and will want the same thing. Im pretty sure your MM wanted a little 'what if' fantasy with you, maybe feel young together,have some fun. I highly doubt his wife has any idea that they are not in love and planning to divorce.

Listen,it sucks but you will push trough. Dont contact him,not now and not in a month. He is not your friend.

You best bet is to figure out your R with your partner and take it from there.

[whathappened610]

Wow....it always makes me perplexed when people who dated in high school meet back up years later and think they will be a good couple...especially when they are married/with someone else.

 

This guy doesn't seem like he is that into you. He hasn't contacted you in 10 days...that's not the sign of love. I agree with the others that said he doesn't want you single because you are going to expect him to become single.

 

Don't contact him in a month. Work on yourself. Work on why you think it was a good idea to start something up with this old h/s friend (he wasn't even a boy friend according to you - just some guy you dated (had sex with?). You cannot turn the clock back.

 

Nope we never had sex. Still to this day we haven't! But your right I'm not gonna contact him. Reading all these replies is helping to see that he's not even the "great" guy I thought he was (of course minus the cheating on his wife)

 

If you want to work on your relationship with your LTR, you must be honest - with yourself and him. It isn't fair to him to have you spending your time daydreaming about the MM. You definitely wouldn't like it if your LTR was doing the same thing to you -- sneaking around, saying ILY to some other lady, making out, etc.

 

Look inward for happiness. LTR's can become 'stale' or complacent. New relationships bring out the butterflies...but you cannot compare the two. One is built on a foundation, the other is built on lust. Lust doesn't last. Heck, even foundations don't last, but if you really won't stop wanting a relationship with the MM, then tell the LTR guy that you are going to date OTHERS and be intimate with OTHERS...that gives him the opportunity to do the same thing.

 

Honestly I think this is why I was so indiced by MM bc he made me feel things I haven't in forever. And I kept telling everyone who knew about us "idk if it's bc it's new or bc it's real". While I still think our feelings were real id say that feeling was more so bc it was new. All these responses are really hitting home that what I need to do is invest all my energy in my LTR, despite his and mine other issues he is who I see my future with.

 

thank you Grammie for your honest yet less harsh input

[imsosad]

Oh,and I have to add regarding said MM in post. Every single one of his MOW eventually wanted more,wanted to divorce her H and him to leave his W. He keeps thinking they are emotional drama queens, i dont think he realises the pattern. Some of these women have been onn again off again with him for years. The only one he speaks highly of is the one who gave him an ultimatum and when he failed to meet it, dropped him and never looked back. So much power play in affairs.