Why do lonely people

[Fair]

refuse to connect with other lonely people? Before anyone chimes in to say they may not know the other person is lonely too... that is often not the case. A lot of times they do know... but rather than try connect over it they treat the other person like a write off rather than seeing them as an opportunity to have a friend and to help each other? The world is full of lonely people who stay in their own little isolated bubble by choice. Why is this?? I find it exasperating.

[TXGuy]

refuse to connect with other lonely people? Before anyone chimes in to say they may not know the other person is lonely too... that is often not the case. A lot of times they do know... but rather than try connect over it they treat the other person like a write off rather than seeing them as an opportunity to have a friend and to help each other? The world is full of lonely people who stay in their own little isolated bubble by choice. Why is this?? I find it exasperating.

 

Some people would rather be lonely than be with the particular person that they know of that happens to be lonely too.

[LoverOfDance]

I think maybe loneliness has a stigma attached to it. I am lonely a lot of the time because I live by myself and I don't mind admitting it, stigma or no stigma.

 

I definitely don't avoid other lonely ppl. I actually reach out to them. If you're lonely, feel free to message me any time.

[basil67]

refuse to connect with other lonely people? Before anyone chimes in to say they may not know the other person is lonely too... that is often not the case. A lot of times they do know... but rather than try connect over it they treat the other person like a write off rather than seeing them as an opportunity to have a friend and to help each other? The world is full of lonely people who stay in their own little isolated bubble by choice. Why is this?? I find it exasperating.

 

Have you walked in the shoes of a lonely person who has anxiety issues or other problems which prevent them from socialising?

[Toodaloo]

Just because a person is lonely doesn't mean that they have to like you or enjoy your company.

 

Lonely people have view points, personalities and personal tastes too...

 

Also just because a person is alone doesn't mean that they are lonely... Many quite like their own company compared to that of others.

 

Food for thought perhaps.

[Fair]

I think LoverofDance has a point. Loneliness does have a stigma attached to it and I think a lot of people are ashamed to even admit to it. It's like those dating gurus who say you'll be more attractive to members of the opposite sex if you're in a group. People see a person alone and ask themselves... why?? And come up with a lot of negative possibilities. If you differ in any way from the mainstream it's always a bad thing... even to those who have a similar problem...

[Toodaloo]

If you differ in any way from the mainstream it's always a bad thing... even to those who have a similar problem...

 

I don't know which dating gurus you have been listening to but the ones that I have been reading all suggest that it is far easier to approach a person who is on their own rather than in a group. Many suggest ways in which you can make yourself stand out from the crowd rather than blend in. After all NO ONE wants to date the person that has nothing special about them let alone marry them. Every one wants that person that has the little extra something that makes them special. It might be that they are feisty, it might be their sense of humour, it may be some thing else but there will be something.

 

They also suggest that a confident person on their own is highly attractive and it demonstrates independence...

 

You can take anything in the world and turn it into either a positive or a negative. What you do with it is your choice.

 

I still stand by my comment that just because someone else is also lonely it doesn't mean that they will actually like you or want to spend time in your company. It can be really draining and really awkward to spend time with people you just don't like. Far better off just being on your own.

 

Fair - I think you are making up a whole load of excuses and blaming others for your loneliness. I think you need to pluck up some gumption and get out and do something.

[smudge21]

To quote Heat: "I'm alone but not lonely" - I think there's a vast difference there. Just because someone may not be in a relationship or be out on their own in a public place, one should never presume they're sad and lonely and desperate for company.

 

I personally have a very low tollerance for c-words, and have no desire to have those people in my life. I have noticed that a lot of people who surround themselves with others, live of it and can't survive without having loads of "friends" (either real or virtual), seem to put up with being treated badly or know that some of these "friends" aren't very nice to them. It's like they would rather be with people they don't like then be alone... which I find very worrying. I'd rather have a minimal amount of good honest trustworthy respectful people in my life, rather than a huge group of horrible people just so I don't appear lonely. Probably why my FB friends list is only double figures and are all people I actually know and have met, as opposed to the people who have thousands (I even know people who have paid to have followers on their Twitter... ).

 

So with all that said, presuming a lonely person is sad is no different to presuming a person with loads of friends and in a relationship is happy.

[Larryville]

Also just because a person is alone doesn't mean that they are lonely...

Absolutely!

 

11 Differences Between Being Alone And Being Lonely

11 Differences Between Being Alone And Being Lonely

 

One of the biggest changes to my life later in life post 50… I became comfortable being alone, but never lonely.

[road]

Being single and not being able to get into a relationship means just that.

 

 

Even though they are alone that does not mean that they will find you relationship material for them.

 

 

It does mean that you need to find ways to make yourself more dateable.

[ChickiePops]

Maybe they're not just looking for a warm body..maybe they're looking for someone they actually like.

[smudge21]

Personally I've had enough of the BS and the last bad choice I made, falling for someone who wasn't who I thought they were, has just put me off getting involved and I've now just accepted being single. If something comes along, then fair enough, but I'm not going out there to find it. If people have a problem with me being alone, then they need to deal with it, it's not my problem.

[Toodaloo]

Personally I've had enough of the BS and the last bad choice I made, falling for someone who wasn't who I thought they were, has just put me off getting involved and I've now just accepted being single. If something comes along, then fair enough, but I'm not going out there to find it. If people have a problem with me being alone, then they need to deal with it, it's not my problem.

 

Wimp.

 

Yeah you heard me...

[Fair]

Toodaloo... I googled it... this is the first one I found but it's far from the only site that mentions this...

 

It's a tip on how to supposedly make yourself more attractive to men.

 

"Hang out with other girls. When you hang out with a group of girls, men will generally see individual group members as being more attractive than they actually are.

It may seem counterintuitive, as you may feel like hanging out with girls who are prettier than you will make you seem uglier, but it’s the opposite — you’ll all look more attractive.[25] "

 

And I've lived a little, I know this is true. If people see you laughing and talking with others you become more approachable in their eyes.

[Larryville]

I have been reading all suggest that it is far easier to approach a person who is on their own rather than in a group. Many suggest ways in which you can make yourself stand out from the crowd rather than blend in. After all NO ONE wants to date the person that has nothing special about them let alone marry them. Every one wants that person that has the little extra something that makes them special. It might be that they are feisty, it might be their sense of humour, it may be some thing else but there will be something.

 

It's a tip on how to supposedly make yourself more attractive to men.

"Hang out with other girls. When you hang out with a group of girls, men will generally see individual group members as being more attractive than they actually are.

 

 

Part of an article:

 

 

University of California research…recently confirmed that our brains average out the faces in a group, making everyone appear more attractive.

 

Obviously, cheerleaders are very attractive on their own, but in a group, their attractiveness quotient rises. (So much for the old theory that super good looking people should be around not-so-good-looking people to appear more attractive.)

 

This Cheerleader Effect is a visual illusion that proves what we see isn't always a direct reflection of what's right in front of us.

 

Whenever we look at a set of objects, like a group of people, our visual system (without us being conscious of it) gathers general information about the entire set, including average size of group members, their average location, and even the average expression on their faces. We tend to view individual members as being more like the group than they actually are.

 

If you're with a very attractive group, your facial flaws or unique characteristics average out in a group of faces, and you're seen as less-flawed. As our brains are computing that information, we come up with an average, and people of all cultures generally find average faces attractive.

 

Walker explained: "Average faces are more attractive, likely due to the averaging out of unattractive idiosyncrasies." In other words, to look even hotter, hang out with friends who have the opposite facial characteristics than you.

 

I don’t know if this is a young person issue vs an older person issue or OLD issue vs meeting in real life.

 

I sat for a time before typing trying to remember the last situation I was in where I scoped out a woman or attempted to meet to engage a women in a "group" situation. As far as I can tell NEVER. I have only met people in individual situations.

 

There was a thread some time ago and many say the don't do OLD because meeting in person being better in all. I'm 52 and other than meeting wife #1 on a blind date actually I have never met then dated someone from a real life meet situation... ok elementary/grade school meet stuff but does that count:D

 

Sorry slightly off topic but interesting...

[preraph]

Well, a fair amount of them are lonely because of some social deficit, so they can't connect with others like them because no one will make the first move. One person has to be able to function enough to connect, and then the other has to at least be able to communicate enough to connect with and be interesting enough for someone to want to connect with them.

 

Now, people with social skills who are momentarily lonely DO reconnect with others who may be also momentarily lonely or just wanting a new friend. It takes two to tango is all I'm saying.

[Redhead14]

refuse to connect with other lonely people? Before anyone chimes in to say they may not know the other person is lonely too... that is often not the case. A lot of times they do know... but rather than try connect over it they treat the other person like a write off rather than seeing them as an opportunity to have a friend and to help each other? The world is full of lonely people who stay in their own little isolated bubble by choice. Why is this?? I find it exasperating.

 

There is a difference between loneliness and preferring to be alone. Some people like to be alone, that's just the way they are. Sure they may feel lonely at times, but for the most part, they are content to be alone.

 

they treat the other person like a write off -- these kinds of people are the people who can "ghost" another person easily -- friends and family. This is something else altogether. These people don't like themselves very much. If there is someone who seems similar to them, they don't like them either and so they won't connect in any way. It's kind of like "I don't want to be a member of any club that would have me as a member . . . ".

[carnelian]

The answer is this: 2 lonely people together, regardless of gender, does not make a happy couple. Two lonely pals are still lonely whether they are

apart or hang out together.

 

 

You might say together is better than apart, but not always. It makes little difference in my experience.

 

 

I do not think that a lonely guy and a lonely girl will make them happy when together.

[basil67]

Looks like I misjudged the original question. I thought it was a generic question about lonely people - I didn't realise that this was about you wanting to connect with other lonely people.

 

I'd highly suggest you find people who aren't lonely. As Preraph said, most lonely people are lonely because of a social skills deficit, so they aren't going to be great friends anyway.

 

You have a good skillset, so why not use those skills to get into related hobby groups. For example, have you thought of getting involved with other writers? Or what about learning something new?

 

Don't be afraid to let people know that you're looking for a social life either. My daughter was out at a work function last night and telling me about one girl who'd moved from interstate and knew nobody - and another girl who replied "I'll add you to my FB and invite you to all my uni parties". This is why it's great to talk with people who have active social lives.

[Scrab22]

refuse to connect with other lonely people? Before anyone chimes in to say they may not know the other person is lonely too... that is often not the case. A lot of times they do know... but rather than try connect over it they treat the other person like a write off rather than seeing them as an opportunity to have a friend and to help each other? The world is full of lonely people who stay in their own little isolated bubble by choice. Why is this?? I find it exasperating.

 

You know, I've been thinking about this subject not just about friendships, but mostly about romantic or intimate relationships.

Helping each other is something that is hard to see nowadays, and even if someone attempts to help, most people do it wrong, with no empathy nor constructive criticism.

In any thriving world, the priority of life is making the best out of you, less much about making the best together with someone.

Yeah, there's the "give to society", "make the world a better place", but in the end you're just one worker bee among the thousands in one hive, not receiving any direct gratitude. Gets you thinking about why people keep posting happy things on Facebook. It's that deep desire for deep appreciation and intimate responses, perhaps?

It can all link into how we build friendships nowadays, focusing more on our own pleasures than the process of really walking a path together.

And eventually, this all relates to relationships nowadays, whichever they may be. You know those stories about high-school sweethearts who in years struggle in maintaining their relationships for whatever reasons. Maybe they found some intimate aspects about each other they don't know how to deal with, keeping them from further thriving? Maybe it's because they don't know the path of intimacy well, hence the struggling maintenance?

 

We're all together in this.

[salparadise]

Well, a fair amount of them are lonely because of some social deficit, so they can't connect with others like them because no one will make the first move. One person has to be able to function enough to connect, and then the other has to at least be able to communicate enough to connect with and be interesting enough for someone to want to connect with them.

 

I think this is pretty close, although I don't think it's so simple that it can be summarized completely in a few words.

 

Why some people can't reach out to others, even when they're craving social connection is something of a mystery. It may be related to introversion/extroversion, but not precisely the same.

 

Most people have enough social energy that they naturally reach out and connect. Some other people don't have enough to naturally initiate, but they can receive and reciprocate the energy that is focused on them. Another group absorbs any energy directed at them and cannot reflect any of it back. The latter can only connect if a high energy person provides everything needed to initiate and sustain a connection... and most people, regardless of how much they have to give, need to have some good energy coming back at them, or else what's the point?

 

Sometimes people reach out in a charitable way to those who are lonely, but charity, friendship, and romance aren't the same types of energy. If we're talking romance, it's gets still more complicated.

 

There is also the theory that social status plays a big part in our connections. Usually the lower status person has to provide the energy and initiative, and the higher status person accepts and reciprocates if the other offers something of interest and benefit. There are lots of studies, but not many hard edges or concise conclusions. Social stuff is complex and some are simply better at it than others.

Edited September 3, 2016 by salparadise

[Fair]

I never expected to get so many intelligent and insightful responses on this thread. You're all fantastic.

 

Not that I feel encouraged. People are so complicated it's a wonder anyone gets together at all.

[SpiralOut]

Lonely people have standards just like any other person. If they are looking for friends, then it's probably not enough for the other person to be also looking for friends. They should also have some common interests, or feel some sort of connection to the other person.

 

Also keep in mind that some people have trust issues. They may have had bad experiences with past friendships and simply aren't ready to make new friends yet.

Edited September 4, 2016 by SpiralOut

[Toodaloo]

Toodaloo... I googled it... this is the first one I found but it's far from the only site that mentions this...

 

It's a tip on how to supposedly make yourself more attractive to men.

 

"Hang out with other girls. When you hang out with a group of girls, men will generally see individual group members as being more attractive than they actually are.

It may seem counterintuitive, as you may feel like hanging out with girls who are prettier than you will make you seem uglier, but it’s the opposite — you’ll all look more attractive.[25] "

 

And I've lived a little, I know this is true. If people see you laughing and talking with others you become more approachable in their eyes.

 

No you don't because then they have to beet off the friends to get to you...

 

Google Matthew Hussey, Natalie Lue etc... They earn a living out of this and a good one at that, because they are good at what they do!

 

Just because you read it on the internet doesn't make it true. I also get hit on more when I am on my own because it makes it easier to approach me. So I try to go out either on my own or with just one other person.

 

Couple of tips. Phone in pocket and leave it there unless it rings. Look up, smile, ask stupid questions of the people around you when you are out and about.

 

In a store for example... I heard X movie is really good have you seen it? Is it worth buying? Do you have any idea how I can tell if this melon is ripe to eat now?

 

Learn to engage others. Buy self help books on "charisma" and "laws of attraction" and subjects like those.

 

Enroll in various classes etc. I love dance classes and really enjoy going to them. I have a fabulous dance troup and some of them go to other groups as well that they invite me to. They organise parties and outtings etc which are fun. I was part of a flash mob this weekend... So it adds to how "interesting" you are. You also get to meet lots of different people from all walks of life.

 

At 21 I was "ditched" by my friends because I had a nasty accident and I was supposed to lose my legs. I don't blame them as lets face it when you are a kid and your mate is having their legs chopped off its not easy to deal with. Thankfully I had some superb doctors who managed to save them but that was that. I was in a very rural area, not able to do the things I used to and my friends had "disappeared"... I was alone. So I got up and got involved. In all sorts, charity work, dance lessons etc.

 

In life most people will drift off. People come and go. Everyone has different priorities and other family and friends that they need to keep contact with. Its not easy. So don't worry when people drift off just keep going with your thing.

[Fair]

Toodaloo - It's not a question of believing everything you read or see on the internet, although internet dating coaches do make some sense, they're not popular entirely without reason... And not that I run to self help books or obsessively scan those sites... but if I do hear something that makes sense it's because I've experienced it and know it's true based on experience. I'm not a juvenile.

 

If someone sees a woman who is perpetually alone the ones who are drawn to her (tend).... to be looking for prey ... normal, healthy men like to know who you are and how you relate to others because it matters to them, because they're serious about finding someone they're compatible with ... so they'll often observe her first and THEN approach. Of course they'll wait UNTIL she's alone before they ask her out but that's a different scenario... you don't have to be a loner with no one around you ever before you can get a man to come up to you. If they see you're a loner in general it's not a turn on... no one feels especially inclined to get involved with someone who has no friends and who doesn't seem to fit in anywhere... they don't care what the reasons for it are, either.

 

The topic is why do lonely people stay lonely... and yes, this is one reason among many. IMO

Edited September 6, 2016 by Fair