Shining One Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 When you reject someone, do you typically tell them why you're rejecting them? I'm specifically referring to the early dating stages before exclusivity. Personally, I only tell women if they ask. Most haven't asked.
TXGuy Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 No, I don't tell women why I reject them, particularly prior to exclusivity. I doubt I would give a real reason, even if they asked (just the standard 'not a match/not feeling it' type of thing). I simply don't see any upside in doing so. For me or her (but primarily for me) Whatever they did that put me off might be an attractive quality to someone else. 1
Fair Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 At least you tell them when they do ask. There's something to be said for that. I do tell people why because I have a sense of truth that demands that I do so. And because people always want to know why whether or not they verbalize it. Not to leave any ambiguity is best... only honesty allows for a clean break so that moving on is easier for both parties. 1
Bantosm Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 I started a thread about this very topic. I always tell the other person exactly why because that's what would want if things were reversed. 1
todreaminblue Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 (edited) I tell the truth...without being hurtful I told one guy that i wasnt really ready to date nor was my family they were struggling with the break up...i needed to be there for them..he didnt believe me.....he said i was not a nice person and said it was because he had just shown me a photo of himself..that i was judgmental.and it wasnt the case at all..... the most likely thing i do with rejecting someone is to put it on me.....i tell them why i am not suitable for them...not why they arent suitable for me...i have in the past set up pursuers i have rejected.... with other women that i knew.....who i feel they would potentially get along really well with i have had soem nasty responses to tellling the truth...mostly ...them not believing it.......and they turn.....nasty.told a guy i had met someone ...he didnt believe me...and i had ....told a guy i was with someone and i was.....that guy didnt believe me........wont stop me however from being truthful......becaue its the right thing to do...and thats the best i can do.....deb Edited September 1, 2016 by todreaminblue
Toodaloo Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 I usually just say that I don't think we are compatible in the early stages. That is actually a perfectly fine way for them to reject me as well. Lets face it I may not like their kids or think they are ugly or fat but the next person they date may really like their kids, think they are stunning and love the extra bit of tumble on the tummy... In the later stages its normally pretty obvious why so I don't tend to need to say anything too much. they already know, I have given them a chance and they couldn't be bothered to step up to the mark. Simple as. You can reject with out being nasty. Its whether they listen that counts. Sometimes men and women get really defensive about it. They are normally the ones who have put you on a pedal stool and are a bit delusional about the whole thing anyway. Either that or they have a nasty streak anyway and just let fly. I do not feel guilty about being more direct with them. I usually use the phrase "Do not ever contact me again or come near me again". Preferably written just in case... 1
jen1447 Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 When you reject someone, do you typically tell them why you're rejecting them? I'm specifically referring to the early dating stages before exclusivity. Usually, yeah. I'm on team truth - better to be told a potentially unpleasant one than to be patronized and treated like you can't handle it.
Shanex Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 Since most women aren't honest about rejecting (some were plain lying or taking me for a mug .. Ie "I met someone" while still spending their time on the sites) I do the same. Granted, I get fewer attention than a woman within my own league so I don't have to reject that many. And if on the early stage of dating (coffee dates etc) I am not interested, I just ghost on them like many women have done to me. Far more than I have done to women.
AMJ Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 It really depends on if they act like they want a reason. Sometimes they kind of storm out of the conversation and I just let them go on their way.. If it's been a few dates, I do give some sort of reason. It might be watered down truth though. But I have been known to give fake reasons, usually involving a non-existent other guy.
AMJ Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 I can make these more bearable.... "Sorry, but you're just too fat." -I'm really looking for someone who appreciates healthy lifestyles as much as I do. "Yeah, I don't date women with bratty kids." -I just don't think I'm cut out to handle responsibility that comes with children. "I think you are nice, but you're actually kinda ugly. Sorry!" -I don't feel enough chemistry. "I'm sorry, but I feel like you have nothing to offer the opposite sex." -We're just not compatible because _____ "You just aren't relationship material." -I have fun with you, but don't feel like we connect on a deeper level I think it's helpful for people to get answers. Especially after a certain age, I think we all need to learn how to handle criticism.
jen1447 Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 Do you think people can really handle it? Generally yes. I choose to put that sort of faith in ppl unless they show me otherwise rather than vice-versa. We're talking the adult world here, not school. (And for the most part ppl have handled it IME. Bscly it's a "hurts now, feels better later" moment as opposed to "doesn't sting too bad right now but this will linger bc I don't know wtf just happened but I know you lied bc I'm not an idiot even tho you just treated me like one" type thing.)
SpiralOut Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 (edited) I only recall doing that with one person. He had pursued me for quite some time. Eventually I agreed to go on a date. It went okay enough. We planned our second date, which he cancelled at the last minute because he "felt tired" from work. IMO that is the lamest excuse for cancelling a date - and at the last minute, no less. And he was the one who had picked the day and time in the first place! That makes no sense to me. I had dealt with so much of that BS from a previous relationship that I had zero-tolerance for it. I lost interest right there and told him so and told him why. He threw a temper tantrum, which he later apologized for. A few years later we went out again and he acted the exact same way. He didn't even learn his lesson. For the most part, I've only ever given general reasons. Stuff like, "I'm just not feeling it," or "I don't think we're a good match." Only one guy ever asked me why I was rejecting him, and I didn't bother to explain because it would have just made things worse.... he was acting very obsessive and creepy and obviously just wanted to argue with me to try and change my mind. Edited September 2, 2016 by SpiralOut
road Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 Life has shown that using tact is better that being honest for may times the truth can be brutal. There is no need to be brutal. The general I don't feel a connection, your a nice man but I don't see us having a relationship sends a clear message that she will not date you. An A'hole will ask and press for a detailed reason to debate you into going out with them. Do not answer them. A clueless man with no game/social skills might ask. Do not answer him either. Telling him he's too short, too fat, no abs, no money, no career to brag about, not handsome, does not know how to dress, is bald, is just brutal.
Redhead14 Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 Personally, I don't care what the reason is . . . what will you do with that information anyway? I mean, if they say you're too fat, for instance, so what? You may not be fat at all, really, but just too heavy for them. Someone else may be OK with the way you are, in which case, that's a good match for you. If you hear the reason, are you going to re-invent yourself to accommodate that one person's opinion or view? If you do that every time someone "rejects" you, you're just going to be a "moving target" so to speak. You are who you are and you should like who you are. If YOU don't like something about yourself, go ahead and work on it. Otherwise, be happy and find someone who likes you just the way you are . . . And, sure, I might dump someone because they were a douchebag. But, if they are douchebags and you tell them that, they won't give a crap anyway what you think because . . . well, they're douchebags 1
No_Go Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 I agree. I'm thinking the reasons that I rejected guys in the past: 1) find him a good company but physically unattractive or worse, repulsive 2) find him attractive but think he's dumb 3) consider him an entitled brat that lacks ambition 4) consider him nice but socially inadequate 5) think he's deadly boring None of this is something to share. They can't change it, probably someone will accept them as they are, just not me. So I took the team 'white lie' approach: 1) I'm not over my ex 2) I'm not ready for relationship right now 3) I don't see this working romantically between us because of (some external reason independent of him) When I've been rejected I got similar white lies/excuses and I was happy with these although I'm acutely aware the truth has been different (they just didn't like me, it all boils down to this and getting into details is just hurtful) I cannot imagine this going over well. I don't think honesty is always the best policy. If a woman asks me why I am not interested, I generally say something cliche. The honest answers below would end up causing problems. "Sorry, but you're just too fat." "Yeah, I don't date women with bratty kids." "I think you are nice, but you're actually kinda ugly. Sorry!" "I'm sorry, but I feel like you have nothing to offer the opposite sex." "You just aren't relationship material."
Otter2569 Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 It really depends on if they act like they want a reason. Sometimes they kind of storm out of the conversation and I just let them go on their way.. If it's been a few dates, I do give some sort of reason. It might be watered down truth though. But I have been known to give fake reasons, usually involving a non-existent other guy. Agree. Depends on the relationship and the person. If they really annoy me then its the cold, hard truth. If they are nice but just not a match I am much more considerate. Lately I'm in phase out mode...just sort of drift off and go my own way. Kind of a don't ask, don't tell policy.
jen1447 Posted September 3, 2016 Posted September 3, 2016 I know the impact of this all depends on how deep the situation is - 1 or 2 dates isn't enough to really kill someone's soul - but I think the lie ppl are doing it for themselves and not the other, despite the rationalizations. At least the enigma approach is admittedly "it's easier for me." 1
jen1447 Posted September 3, 2016 Posted September 3, 2016 Heh. I admit, my own easement is my primary objective when rejecting someone. However, this does not mean I do not take the feelings of others into account. You are a pretty girl, judging by your photo here. If some guy (or girl) shuts you down, says you are ugly, or they think you aren't relationship material, you will probably be able to shrug that crap off and get another date that same day, no biggie. Not everyone is so blessed. If I turn a girl down for being ugly, then she really is ugly. Not some, "beauty is subjective" BS, I mean ugly. So, if I tell her that, it will sting, because the truth hurts, and she probably already knew. A lot of the people who get rejected, especially if she is a woman, they get rejected often. I do try to soften the blow a bit by taking the hit myself. I even let a girl once think I was gay. Except she didn't think that and on some level she knew you were lying to her. (Ppl always lose respect for ppl they're getting ready to reject and that makes them think they're dumb and lacking in most other ways too but it's usually not so.) And if she knows she's unattractive, is it worse to have someone bs you and tell you it's not so or at least give you the respect of treating you like a adult and being honest? Also I think I've said this before elsewhere many times now but honesty doesn't have to mean brutal honesty where you say "you're butt ugly," it just means not blowing a bunch of obvs smoke up their ass and saying some half-baked crap like "my mother's dying and I have to go see my cousin in Nicaragua bc I think I'm gay" when they totally know it's shyt. The only ppl who think being lied to is better are ppl who haven't ever been lied to in a meaningful and hurtful way. Either that or head-in-the-sand types but I don't think those are actually all that common and they most likely have bigger life issues than being lied to by dates anyway.
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