Flirting and attraction with a co-worker

[Swat4487]

I had been hanging out with a co-worker of mine from about the end of May to the end of July. I am 32 and she is 21, completely random situation where I started directly working with her all day where we got to know each other, and laughed and flirted with one another. I decided to ask her out one day, where we had a really good time, fun, etc. She made it clear from the beginning she was not looking for a relationship, just a cool guy to hang out and do fun things with. We got to a point where we were texting non stop with each other after work up until 12 or 1 every night. She started to tell me some of her issues at home, such as her dad who has alzheimers and is an alcoholic coming back to live with her and her mom. Her grandma was in poor health and had to be put into a home, and her mom encourages her to not go to post secondary or travel to take care of her dad/grandma. She said she needs to figure herself out before she gets into a serious relationship, only ever being in a 3 year one that ended over a year ago. She said she felt more comfortable around me than any of her close friends. I told her I really liked her, and we continued to hang out.

 

It got to a point where we kissed one night outside a bar, and we kind of drifted apart after that. She said she didn't want to screw up a good friendship, or screw up things at work. She kinda just stopped texting me outside of work, saying that made her feel like she was in a relationship, even with her sending me like 5 messages at a time. She at one point told me she was attracted to my looks and personality, and would have hooked up with me if we weren't co-workers. All of this came 3 weeks after we stopped hanging out at the end of July. She never said there was a problem until after the fact. She says she only sort of had an attraction, and pretty much went back on what she said, saying she was confused, and didn't mean to lead me on. I again called her out on this 2 days ago, and was mad with her same answers, because her story really contridicts to what she had had said when we were very close.

 

I don't understand how she changed her mind so quickly. She also avoids some of the questions I have asked her about things, and also says she never had feelings for me. She also says she's surprised she didn't scare me off, judge her, or think she's "awkward" or weird, because I'm very similar. I feel like she really does have feelings, or an attraction, but she's very scared to show it, and has given up because everything with us moved so fast. She said in mid July that she didn't trust herself around me, and that she had crossed all the boundries she had set for herself, like us texting every day, hugging, kissing, and generally being so close. Any suggestions, advice, opinions, anything? I kind of have it really bad for her. I don't know if it's just she doesn't like me, or she just doesn't want the relationship right now.

[preraph]

I think she may just be naturally flirty and friendly and that's how it started off but then realized you were romantic, so she told you straight up she's not interested in you that way. Sorry. Some people seem flirty to just about everyone.

[Sunkissedpatio]

 

I don't understand how she changed her mind so quickly. .

 

Well look at the facts. She is 21 and she works with you. And she has been catapulted into maturity beyond her years having to face the situation with her dad, which let me tell you from experience that is no walk in the park (add alcoholism to that and no thank you very much!), especially for someone at 21.

 

She probably wants less commitments and just wants to have fun and she likes you enough not to lead you on. Try to respect her wishes. If she changes her mind she will come to you. She has enough on her plate than to have to reassure you as to why she doesn't want something serious right now.

Edited September 1, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[Swat4487]

100% true, and I've realized all of that. She just became wishy washy and seemed like she was halfway between liking me and being romantic. She says I understand her issues and don't judge her on them. (I've had family issues as well) So I just find it confusing. She tells me my friendship is "lovely" but doesn't want to hang out if the feelings are lop sided. So what do you think she feels/thinks of me?

[Sunkissedpatio]

Dealing with a parent with dementia is not just "family issues" you really have to be there to experience it and the one thing you want once you are done dealing with an extended episode is light-hearted fun because the responsibility and sorrow you feel for a parent that is losing their mind is too much to handle at times.

 

I mean, I don't know how involved she is with her dad's problem, for we know it could be an excuse even I mean I don't know....but if she is having to deal with it then she likely just wants no strings attached and wants to experience life without too many burdens.

 

Again, give her space. She likes you, obviously she likes you she said so herself but she doesn't want to commit right now and pushing the issue just becomes selfish on your part.

 

Ask away here and we will try to suss it out as much as can with you, but as far as she is concerned she has told you all she wants to tell you so believe her and respect her wishes.

 

Sorry you like her so much and the timing isn't ideal

[Romantic Gentleman]

Her life is a clutter right now, and I think her being able to talk to you about it relieves a lot of stress, and you were there to comfort her through a difficult time

[Popsicle]

She may not want to jeopardize her or your job.

[Swat4487]

Quote on quote, "I didn't feel a spark between us so I backed away from the situation like any person would" but without specifically saying to me. I asked if we could talk about it outside of work, and yes she was busy, but she also put it off. Just the entire situation is bizarre to me. I feel like she just says she has no feelings to get out of everything right now

[smackie9]

She is emotionally attached to you which might look like romantic interest. She's pulled back, leave her alone. Date other women.

[ViolaY]

She's not so into you, you should meet another wowan

[randall]

Saying she'd go out with you if you weren't co-workers is more of an excuse to avoid actually saying she doesn't want to, whilst maintaining your interest in her.

 

People go out with co-workers all the time. If she liked you then being a co-worker wouldn't be an issue at all.

[mortensorchid]

Agree with others. She's not that into you, go look elsewhere. But also keep it on the down low from others you work with. She is a co-worker after all and you cannot avoid not seeing her during the day. Be cool.

[Swat4487]

It's more the fact that my last relationship was a failed one within the same workplace, she's aware of this, and says she'd never date in the same workplace