Moosey Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 Hey everyone. So my girlfriend and I have been together nearly 3 years. I'm 26 and she's 25. But honestly, I'm starting to feel smothered by her. Don't get me wrong, she's got good qualities. But It almost feels like I'm suffocating sometimes For one, we spend nearly 100% of our time together. Initially I was ok with it. It was my first real relationship and I enjoyed having someone I cared about around. But eventually it got to a point where I couldn't get any time to myself. It's gotten to a point where if I don't invite her over to my apartment, she either guilt trips me into inviting her over with the whole "I'm sad so you get the cold shoulder" deal, or she just flat out invites herself over and spends the night at my place without running it by me first. If she calls me, she gets hurt if I don't talk to her in a "cute" baby voice because then she assumes I don't want to see her. It's honestly emasculating. But it's not just the amount of time we spend together that bothers me. When we're together, I feel like she wants me to devote 100% of my attention to her. If we're watching a movie together at my apartment, she'll say "I came over to hang out, not to watch a movie". So then I'll cave and sit and talk with her but then she'll throw the "you don't show me enough affection" deal. This honestly bothers me. I do show her affection. I hug her, kiss her, tell her I love her all the time, and spend basically 100% of my time with her, but she constantly makes me feel like I could do more. I'm starting to feel like I could never do enough for her. And it hurts because I do show affection but I feel like she either doesn't notice or feels like it's not good enough for her. Really, the only time that I feel like I have time to myself is on the rare occasion that I hang out with my friends. I don't see them that often anymore but when I do I really look forward to it because it's one of my few chances to do something without her. I invite her with me sometimes to be polite, but I'd say that about 70% of the time I don't (which again isn't that much because I don't see my friends often anymore). But when I'm with my friends she expects me to text or call her back in a timely manner or else, again, her feelings get hurt. Which frankly, I don't understand because when she's with her friends I give her her space and when I do text her I don't usually get a response for 2+ hours. Then a few weeks ago she called me and told me that she's hurt because I don't invite her to hang out with my friends that often. I end up feeling so guilty about it that I don't even go out to see them as often as I should. So here's the problem. I've tried talking to her about this multiple times on multiple different occasions. I've let her know that I enjoy spending time with her but I think that we need a little bit of space in our relationship. And I've told her that I think sometimes it feels like she needs more attention and affection than I am able to give and that it's not healthy. I've told her that it is NOT a bad thing to have space in a relationship. I've told her that has nothing to do with her but rather with my needs as a person. I've tried literally everything. And every time I've done so, her feelings get hurt. And every time I've brought it up, her response is always something extreme along the lines of "fine I won't ask you to hang out anymore" or "fine I won't show you affection anymore". She keeps saying you've changed since we met. I agree with her. She misses that honeymoon phase where it was all hugs and kisses 100% of the time. But I've told her that that type of relationship is not sustainable. I've told her eventually relationships mature to a point where you don't need to be with your SO so often to know that they love you and that by spending so much time together it causes us to neglect other people and responsibilities in our lives. Ultimately, I feel like I'm not getting anywhere when I bring it up. I'm at my wits end and don't know what else to do. I don't want to break up with her yet, but I feel like I'm running out of options. So please, if anyone has any advice or opinions on my situation it would be greatly appreciated 1
Romantic Gentleman Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 You've had multiple conversations about it, tried your best to please her needs, and now she needs to understand how much effort you put on a daily basis to show how much she means to you. Does she have any special hobbies, or anything? It's not healthy to be that way 2
RecentChange Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 She sounds quite adept at manipulating you. Baby voice? Feelings are hurt if she doesn't 100% get her way? Sorry to be rude, but she sounds like a toddler not an adult. Real talk - where is this going? Most people are living together and talking about marriage after 3 years. Is this it? Is she the one? No friend time and walking on eggshells as to not hurt her feelings for the rest of your life? 7
preraph Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 God, she's too high maintenance. Can't even shut up long enough to watch a movie? Seriously? I think it's futile to try to change her but you at least owe it to her to sit her down and tell her these things have to change because how it is is not sustainable over the long term. And then she will blow up and then you break up with her. I don't think anyone could stand that for very long. But you say it started that way, so you at least owe her to be very honest about it and how it was fun the first little while but isn't fun anymore. 5
Satu Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 She needs to learn how to get her needs met in a healthy way. There's a limit to what you can reasonably be expected to do. A bit of counselling might help her. Take care. 2
Popsicle Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 Are you afraid that she's going to break up with you if you tell her no flat out? 3
ExpatInItaly Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 She is beyond suffocating. She is being utterly unreasonable and manipulative. Does she understand you're thinking of leaving the relationship? Yes, that will hurt her feelings. But I don't see any other way to get through to her. This relationship has become totally one-sided with her calling all the shots, it seems. And that's not fair or wise. Be clear that unless you two can have some healthy space, the relationship will end. I think you have been enabling her behaviour, though I understand that's not your intention. Do you ever just say "I'm sorry, no, not tonight" and leave it at that? Stop going along with it. You are paying a high price. 2
bubbaganoosh Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 The girl is really immature and needy. If you already explained this to her and she still continues then all your doing is spiting into the wind. She's an attention freak and wants to be the focal point of your life and if she isn't then she tries the guilt trip on you. Maybe you need to take a break from her so she finally realizes that the world doesn't rise and set on her shoulders. 1
Els Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 I agree that she's immature and passive-aggressive. That being said, I'm going to play the devil's advocate here, because I'm confused. If you're not living together, how are you spending '100% of your free time together'? Also, you mentioned that you don't text her when she's out with her friends, so she does go out with friends? Isn't that time that you have to yourself? How much time, exactly, are you spending together? I've told her eventually relationships mature to a point where you don't need to be with your SO so often to know that they love you and that by spending so much time together it causes us to neglect other people and responsibilities in our lives. I agree with this in concept, but to be honest most couples after 3 years together, are living together and seeing each other most days. They do get time to themselves and do go out with friends, but I would be surprised if you two were spending more time together than the average couple of 3 years (that lives together). I could be wrong, of course, it all depends on your answer to the question above. Basically, I think your gf has a lot of growing up to do and is handling it all wrong, but I can't help but wonder if you yourself are suited to a LTR. 2
smackie9 Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 IMO you have done everything you can. You had that conversation multiple times and you are getting more resistance and manipulation. Ask for a break so she can really have a think about what you have been trying to get across to her. 1
Omei Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 Because she's manipulative and overly needy I would show her this post honestly sounds like your at your ropes end talking to her obviously doesn't work. If you showed her this and took a small break maybe if she read how you felt and the actual responses to it she would reflect because I only read half of what you wrote and felt exhausted at the thought of someone being that intense. Or she might dump you if you take this advice being angered you wrote about it and you'll be free either way showing her this will bring a change be it good or bad lol
Author Moosey Posted September 1, 2016 Author Posted September 1, 2016 Sorry I should have specified more. I live in an apartment and she lives with her family about 20 minutes away. The reason we don't live together is that we both come from very conservative families that wouldn't be ok with us living together before marriage. While we don't necessarily agree, family is important to the both of us and we don't want to cause any unnecessary tension. That being said, we basically do spend 100% of our time together. She's at my place every day, sleeps over about 5 or more days per week, and we work for the same company. We both see our friends maybe once or twice a month, so it's not a common occurrence. I was just pointing out that when she does go out with her friends, she won't text back for hours while she would get hurt if I did the same As far as being in a LTR, I have no doubt in my mind that it's for me. The problem is that I'm starting to feel like we may have different needs. I think my gf may need a 2nd half in EVERY sense of the word. That she needs someone who will literally be by her side day and night and basically set her life out for her so she can be on auto pilot (that's basically the role I've come to play in this relationship) As for me, I think I view the perfect ltr as one where both me and my SO still have the independence to live as individuals if that makes sense?
Author Moosey Posted September 1, 2016 Author Posted September 1, 2016 You've had multiple conversations about it, tried your best to please her needs, and now she needs to understand how much effort you put on a daily basis to show how much she means to you. Does she have any special hobbies, or anything? It's not healthy to be that way She doesn't have any hobbies. I've tried to get her to try new things on her own but she doesn't really seem willing to Are you afraid that she's going to break up with you if you tell her no flat out? I tell her that on a regular basis. I usually cave though because I get tired of the hurt feelings, lectures, and cold shoulders. So yes, in a sense I'm enabling the behavior, but it's the only way to avoid conflict
Author Moosey Posted September 1, 2016 Author Posted September 1, 2016 She sounds quite adept at manipulating you. Baby voice? Feelings are hurt if she doesn't 100% get her way? Sorry to be rude, but she sounds like a toddler not an adult. Real talk - where is this going? Most people are living together and talking about marriage after 3 years. Is this it? Is she the one? No friend time and walking on eggshells as to not hurt her feelings for the rest of your life? I agree. The worst part is I know I'm being manipulated. Yet when we get into those kinds of arguments, she always finds a way to turn the tables on me. She's so good at it that there have been times that I've actually been convinced that I'm a terrible boyfriend just for wanting space in the relationship
Author Moosey Posted September 1, 2016 Author Posted September 1, 2016 I agree with this in concept, but to be honest most couples after 3 years together, are living together and seeing each other most days. They do get time to themselves and do go out with friends, but I would be surprised if you two were spending more time together than the average couple of 3 years (that lives together). I could be wrong, of course, it all depends on your answer to the question above. The problem isn't so much the amount of time we spend together. A big part of it is that it feels like she needs my complete and undivided attention when we are together. She isn't really happy if we're together and I'm not giving her affection. I mentioned up above that even getting through an entire movie together is a struggle because she'll pause it multiple times and tell me to give her some attention. And when we are together nearly 24/7, it gets exhausting after a while. Honestly, I think a big part of this is my fault. I went along with it when we first started dating. I enjoyed it. But three years later and I realized that I just couldn't keep up that kind of relationship. But I think she's making it clear that she still wants it
ExpatInItaly Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 You need to learn the value of saying "no", OP. Be clear. Be firm. She needs to learn to soothe herself sometimes instead of relying on you to make her feel good about herself. The way she is behaving is incredibly juvenile and unfair. The problem is that she essentially has no life, by the sounds of it. And she seems to be fine with it. Obviously, and rightfully so, you're not. Start drawing boundaries. Expect that she will throw a tantrum. Let her. You can see your strategies thus far haven't worked. Time to implement some new ones. But honestly, I think you need to start seriously considering the long-term viability of your relationship. You two have very different needs and expectations. That doesn't work well in the long-run, when conflict-resolution skills are so poor. 1
BluEyeL Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 I see everyone is focusing on the girlfriend's clinginess. While I don't discount that and it does seem she doesn't handle the situation well, it reads to me that you actually want to be single. After 3 years people actually move in together, get married and thus, yes, spend most of their time together, not just 'come over'. You may be too young for that step, but to me that would be a natural step at this point and if you want to keep the casual dating going, you need to break up with this girl and start up with another one after you had enough alone time. 1
Els Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 Sorry I should have specified more. I live in an apartment and she lives with her family about 20 minutes away. The reason we don't live together is that we both come from very conservative families that wouldn't be ok with us living together before marriage. While we don't necessarily agree, family is important to the both of us and we don't want to cause any unnecessary tension. That being said, we basically do spend 100% of our time together. She's at my place every day, sleeps over about 5 or more days per week, and we work for the same company. We both see our friends maybe once or twice a month, so it's not a common occurrence. I was just pointing out that when she does go out with her friends, she won't text back for hours while she would get hurt if I did the same As far as being in a LTR, I have no doubt in my mind that it's for me. The problem is that I'm starting to feel like we may have different needs. I think my gf may need a 2nd half in EVERY sense of the word. That she needs someone who will literally be by her side day and night and basically set her life out for her so she can be on auto pilot (that's basically the role I've come to play in this relationship) As for me, I think I view the perfect ltr as one where both me and my SO still have the independence to live as individuals if that makes sense? The problem isn't so much the amount of time we spend together. A big part of it is that it feels like she needs my complete and undivided attention when we are together. She isn't really happy if we're together and I'm not giving her affection. I mentioned up above that even getting through an entire movie together is a struggle because she'll pause it multiple times and tell me to give her some attention. And when we are together nearly 24/7, it gets exhausting after a while. Honestly, I think a big part of this is my fault. I went along with it when we first started dating. I enjoyed it. But three years later and I realized that I just couldn't keep up that kind of relationship. But I think she's making it clear that she still wants it Ah, okay, thanks for clarifying. That does sound a bit much, especially the 'undivided attention' part. I agree that you really just need to be firm in setting your boundaries in that aspect - that you will spend some time giving each other undivided attention but at other times you both need to be able to do other things. Don't cave. That being said, if you don't want to live with a woman before marriage AND don't want to marry any time soon, you're going to find yourself challenged if you genuinely want a LTR. Very, very few women are going to be happy just 'dating' at 3 years. Many women don't want to marry early, and some women don't want to marry at all, but even those who don't want to marry will typically want to live together by that point. Of course you shouldn't move in with this girl (you'd never be able to get anything done!), but after this R ends you might want to consider not getting into a LTR with anyone until such a time as you are able and willing to live with a woman when the time is right.
stillafool Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 Whatever you do don't move her in with you. You will go out of your mind. I just couldn't stand being smothered like you are and would definitely run away from her as fast as possible. I don't know why some women are like this. Did she receive affection as a child? I can tell you it's just going to get worse so what are you going to do with this relationship? 2
Popsicle Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 I tell her that on a regular basis. I usually cave though because I get tired of the hurt feelings, lectures, and cold shoulders. So yes, in a sense I'm enabling the behavior, but it's the only way to avoid conflict So you are afraid. You have to stop being afraid. At some point in life you have to learn to assert your boundaries and be ready for the fall out if that, else you will be miserable in life. It's a good lesson to learn before you have kids too. God knows kids push their limits.
smackie9 Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 She is there everyday and sleeps over 5 nights a week? How can that be "conservative"? She may as well be living there. I bet money on it if she did live with you, you would have out the door a lot faster.
deep_night Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 im the kind of person who needs lots of affection and luv but when i read yr thread i thought "oh boy, thats just too much!":/ ..maybe she wants to get married? expects you to propose or otherwise move the relatonship forward and this is why she seems to linger so much?
Romantic Gentleman Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 (edited) She doesn't have any hobbies. I've tried to get her to try new things on her own but she doesn't really seem willing to There's the problem. Her hobby at this point is being with you. Until she finds something else that makes her happy, then this will continue Edited September 1, 2016 by Romantic Gentleman
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