girl1985 Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 Hey all, I'm a 31, own my own condo, been at my job for 8 years (which I hate by the way) and have been with my boyfriend for over 3 years now. We grew up very different. My parents had a lot of money. I got whatever I wanted but I am very humble about it. My parents split up about 5 years ago after my dad lost his business. My boyfriends parents are still together. I absolutely love them and they treat me like a daughter and better than my own parents do. They grew up poor and they all had to work for everything they have. My boyfriend and I are the same age. He got a degree in english and advertising and has work for marketing companies the past couple of years. He hated it and kept getting laid off so he took a huge risk last year and went back to school to be a fire fighter. This is definitely what he should be doing. He is so passionate about it and I envy that since I hate my job even though I make decent money. My boyfriend works 2 jobs at the moment. One that pays $20 an hour and the other $10 an hour working for an ambulance company so he can have experience on his resume. His schedule is horrible. He works 9-5 every day and then has class 6-10:30pm during the week except Friday and has class 9-5pm Saturday. He works a 12 hour shift at the ambulance company Sundays. We literally spend no time together and he is always broke. We get Friday and Saturday nights together but I sometimes feel so resentful because to me it's not enough. I know he does the best that he can and tries to take me on dates when he has money but sometimes I feel selfish and that I have my **** together so why can't he? Why do I have to pay for the mistakes he made in his past of not being financially responsible and saving money. We've been living together a little over two years now. He cooks for us a lot on the weekends and helps clean the house. When he started school a year ago, I told him he didn't have to pay me rent anymore since I know he had to pay for school and that is priority. He has never asked me for a dime or to help with school. His parents surprisingly helped with some of it. Now, he pays all of the utility bills. We fight all the time since he started this crazy schedule in January about not spending any time together, not going out as much as we used to and not traveling. I travel a lot with my friends because I can and I have money saved. It's sad that he can't come with me or if I want him to I have to pay for it. I notice since we've had this distant in our relationship that my feelings have changed. Sometimes I feel like I'm not in love with him anymore and other days I do. It saddens me and angers me that I feel this way because I don't want to. I actually started going to therapy in January immediately after I had these feelings and my therapist determined I have severe control issues. Since I am not in control of his school/work schedule, it causes me to have these horrible feelings of resentment. I am also thinking of going back to school next year myself for something in the medical field and my therapist said I probably resent him also because he is doing something he loves and I am not. I don't really know what to do. Sometimes I think it'd be easier to just break up and go our separate ways because we are both at different points in our lives but sometimes I feel like that would be a huge mistake. He is an amazing guy. Very funny, compassionate, caring and adores me. He writes me poetry, always gets me flowers and he really hates the situation that he's in yet always has a positive attitude. I am the one who is pessimistic about this. My friends all tell me that relationships take sacrifice and fire fighter school will end in December but than Paramedic school starts in January and is like a year long so I just feel like this is never ending. I know he is doing this for us and our future so he can have a stable career but I hate that he decided this now and I'm the one that has to go through this. I don't know why I just can't let these feelings of resentment go and just think about the future and we can laugh about these moments years from now. He tells me I've never struggled in life and everything was handled to me. This is partially true. I never struggled financially and was responsible with my money but seeing your parents get divorce is a struggle as well. Any advice would be appreciated. I just want some hope that things will get better :/ 1
Gloria25 Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 The things you are doing for him is what "married" people doe cuz they are a "committed team". Your bf is ungrateful and you're not his wife or mother. You have no obligation to supply him with paid bills, sex, food, and companionship while he waffles in life. I came from a horribly hard life, am a woman, and not one man or family member or friend paid my bills, cosigned for me, let me live with them. Thank God for the military and I made my life without anyone paying for it. And knowing me, even without the military, from in high school I was motivated to not depend on others. I studied hard, worked several jobs. So, in a "man's world" your bf has no excuse. Yes, some people live with parents and/or depend on their wife while pursuing something intensive like medical or law studies, but that's not your bf and he has not committed to you and you're not his mom...you "owe" him nothing. But, we live in different times. If you wanna be the "man" in this RL, then keep on doing what you're doing and make him your 'concubine/kept man'. What's a kept person? The radio personality I was just posting about had this chick he was paying for her expensive condo. They weren't married and he fooled around, but she didn't care cuz he paid her rent and paid for stuff...she was a "kept" woman. He even moved on to marry another chick who pretty much married him cuz she was 20s and needed to get out of her parent's house... 1
Satu Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 I'm going to come at this from an oblique angle. Life is often about balancing frustration and satisfaction. If you can decrease frustrations you feel better. But some frustrations can't be eradicated, so you have to increase satisfaction. Then you feel better. Your situation is a reversal: He's doing what he loves to do, but has no money. You don't like what you do, but you have money. Your frustration level is high. His satisfaction level is high. The thing is: Your frustration belongs to you. He can't change that. But you can. If you could move to a job you enjoy, your satisfaction level would skyrocket, and your frustration would be drastically reduced. Off the top of my head, I would say that you need to get out of your job, because that is whats mainly fuelling your discontent. I might be wrong, but I think I'm probably not far wrong. Take care. 3
Springsummer Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 So this is all about the money? because your bf has done nothing wrong. 2
Els Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, OP. As far as I've observed, it's not easy to stave off resentment with this sort of arrangement, especially if you are a woman financially supporting a man who doesn't even have time for you at the end of the day. SAHDs are different because those arrangements are negotiated ahead of time and the payoff for the woman is that she doesn't have to do childcare and thus can focus on her career. But in your case, there is no payoff and might never be. I follow the blog of a young woman who is going through the exact same thing you are. She has financially supported her husband for years, and her resentment just shows through in almost every single post she writes. She managed to finally see things all the way through to an almost-divorce... but then caved and is still with him now. I suspect they will keep going through that cycle until he either picks up his act or she leaves him for good. You do have something going for you that she doesn't, though - your partner is going to school which presumably means a decent career after, her partner is just chronically unemployed. You really just have to decide if you think he is worth staying with until things get better. It is totally okay whichever way you decide - don't let people guilt trip you into thinking any differently. Also, it sounds like a big cause of your resentment is that you seem to think that he just 'decided' to do this and you got roped along into helping. Is this true? Did he genuinely never discuss his options with you, did he never give you a say in it? 1
Popsicle Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 I think you should break up with him because you can't seem to tell that your bf is trying to create a future for himself and for you together. Let him get with a woman who can appreciate him and see that and doesn't struggle with it. So yes break up. 3
BlueIris Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 It is the norm for young people to work your tails off to build a future. Be supportive. 2
standtall Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 geez...the self entitlement is shining through. Life, relationships, and marriages can be tough...by your own description, this sounds like it is all about money and attention. Watch out for what you ask for...you may get it with a boyfriend that is "perfect" and values money more than anything. Look yourself in the mirror and ask if you can handle it, because when your married it ain't any easier. 2
Els Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 geez...the self entitlement is shining through. Life, relationships, and marriages can be tough...by your own description, this sounds like it is all about money and attention. Watch out for what you ask for...you may get it with a boyfriend that is "perfect" and values money more than anything. Look yourself in the mirror and ask if you can handle it, because when your married it ain't any easier. So you would have NO issue financially supporting a gf for two years and only being able to spend time with her on weekends for two years? That means no sex until weekends, mind you... I'm not saying it can't be done, but I suspect that some of you would bail much sooner than the OP if you were in a similar situation to her. 1
Gloria25 Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 I think you should break up with him because you can't seem to tell that your bf is trying to create a future for himself and for you together. Let him get with a woman who can appreciate him and see that and doesn't struggle with it. So yes break up. But she's not his "wife". The day he "makes it", he could easily chuck her. There was a time a man couldn't even ask a woman out on a date unless he had his stuff together. Now guys want women to provide them shelter, food, and/or sex while he works on getting his life started. Geesh, how far we have fallen from grace. Do men have any pride now a days? He should move in with roommates or with his parents and focus on becoming a "man" instead of his entitlement attitude to have some woman - who he hasn't even considered proposing to - stand by and support him. If he was your husband, yes. But still, if he was your husband, why take on marriage if you can't even pay your own bills? 1
Els Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 So you would have NO issue financially supporting a gf for two years and only being able to spend time with her on weekends for two years? That means no sex until weekends, mind you... (Edit: Wow, just re-read the OP and they actually only get Fri and Sat night together, not even Saturdays or Sundays. So, yeah, editing my post to that...)
Gloria25 Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 geez...the self entitlement is shining through. Life, relationships, and marriages can be tough...by your own description, this sounds like it is all about money and attention. Watch out for what you ask for...you may get it with a boyfriend that is "perfect" and values money more than anything. Look yourself in the mirror and ask if you can handle it, because when your married it ain't any easier. Yes it "is" about money and other "unsexy" things (ie religion, morals/values, beliefs on raising kids) that people need to evaluate, discuss, and consider when picking a mate for the long term. "Love" doesn't conquer all. It doesn't put food on the table, pay the car note, and rent. People need to be practical.
Popsicle Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 (edited) But she's not his "wife". The day he "makes it", he could easily chuck her. There was a time a man couldn't even ask a woman out on a date unless he had his stuff together. Now guys want women to provide them shelter, food, and/or sex while he works on getting his life started. Geesh, how far we have fallen from grace. Do men have any pride now a days? He should move in with roommates or with his parents and focus on becoming a "man" instead of his entitlement attitude to have some woman - who he hasn't even considered proposing to - stand by and support him. If he was your husband, yes. But still, if he was your husband, why take on marriage if you can't even pay your own bills? She volunteered to support him. And she probably doesn't want to marry him anyway because he's not successful enough now. Look my ex went thru a bazillion years of schooling while we were together. I was wise enough to see it for what it was and not dump him during that time because we were struggling. And it payed off big time. Anyways, we are in agreement that she should dump him. Just for different reasons. You think she should dump him because he's not got his shyt together (yet). I think she should dump him to let him find someone else. Edited September 1, 2016 by Popsicle
Popsicle Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 Oh, and another thing. The OP might be cranky because she is saddled with a lot of responsibility (that she took up on her own). She might want to consider selling her condo to relieve some of that stress. And maybe even look into finding another place to work at.
Els Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 (edited) Oh, and another thing. The OP might be cranky because she is saddled with a lot of responsibility (that she took up on her own). She might want to consider selling her condo to relieve some of that stress. Why would she do this??? It makes zero sense. Not only would she lose a huge asset and they have to deal with finding a new place to live, the dude would be screwed because then he would have to pay rent. And if she pays the entirety of the rent, don't you think that would make her resentment even worse? At least now she's shouldering the whole mortgage but she gets a house of her own at the end of it. If she pays all of the rent, she not only shoulders the entirety of the rent, she doesn't even get a house out of it at the end of the day. Edited September 1, 2016 by Elswyth
Popsicle Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 Why would she do this??? It makes zero sense. Not only would she lose a huge asset and they have to deal with finding a new place to live, the dude would be screwed because then he would have to pay rent. And if she pays the entirety of the rent, don't you think that would make her resentment even worse? At least now she's shouldering the whole mortgage but she gets a house of her own at the end of it. If she pays all of the rent, she not only shoulders the entirety of the rent, she doesn't even get a house out of it at the end of the day. I don't know her exact financial situation but even Certified Financial Planners will advise an individual or couple to sell their house or other assets if they are not financially secure and being stretched too thin, in order to become financial secure. She could even kick him out and get a paying roommate too.
Els Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 I don't know her exact financial situation but even Certified Financial Planners will advise an individual or couple to sell their house or other assets if they are not financially secure and being stretched too thin, in order to become financial secure. She could even kick him out and get a paying roommate too. But the OP has said nothing about not being financially secure or being stretched too thin. Her complaints are mostly (1) she gets to spend time with him only for 2 nights a week, and (2) she doesn't enjoy being the breadwinner in her relationship. 1
Popsicle Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 But the OP has said nothing about not being financially secure or being stretched too thin. Her complaints are mostly (1) she gets to spend time with him only for 2 nights a week, and (2) she doesn't enjoy being the breadwinner in her relationship. I said that as a "just in case" scenario.
Author girl1985 Posted September 1, 2016 Author Posted September 1, 2016 Hey guys...I'm reading some of the comments and just to be clear...I make 60,000 a year and my cost of living is extremely low. My mortgage is only $480 a month and my boyfriend pays the utilities in the house. My car is paid off. I am in a good financial situation myself. I do NOT support him or give him money whatsoever and never have and he has never asked me too. However, I am just at the point where I guess I want him to be on my level financially and I just always feel like I am going to be above him in that sense. He obviously wants to be there which is why he decided to change careers and go back to school but I guess I'm just aggravated with it and my patience is running thin. Also, we do talk about getting married and having kids all the time. He actually puts $400 a month into a savings account towards a ring for me which I have access to. This just started in June of this year and we were fighting over that because he skipped a month because he had to get his car fixed. I no longer look at the account because it's just going to drive me crazy if I check it one month and notice that he didn't put money into it. I know some people will think I am not being supportive but I actually am very supportive. I added him as an authorized user on my credit card (but didn't give him the card) to build his credit score which has already gone up significantly from 640 to 702. I guess sometimes I feel like I'm being a "mom" and I want a man that already has his **** together. But...before him, I dated a man that was about 7-8 years older than me, had a house, secure job, but was very emotionally unavailable and I never felt very comfortable in that sense. After 6 months of dating I didn't even know if we were exclusive or not. He had money but I ended up breaking up with him after almost a year because the relationship wasn't going anywhere and he never talked about getting married (because I found out he never wanted to) or having kids. My boyfriend now talks about our future together and getting married all the time. Three weeks after I met him, he introduced me to his family and a week later we were officially exclusive. I have always felt comfortable with where I stand with him and he always makes me feel important. I guess I'm so used to feeling that way that now with school and his new schedule, I just feel second. Everything comes before me and I want it to be my turn. That may sound selfish to some people but everyone has needs. I am going to stick it out and he actually knows of my feelings because we communicate really well. He knows I am bored in this relationship because of his schedule and he feels horrible but he told me from the beginning that this time in our lives would be a sacrifice. I'm not sure if being at least engaged or married would make me more comfortable with the situation or not. I guess I won't know until that happens.
Author girl1985 Posted September 1, 2016 Author Posted September 1, 2016 I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, OP. As far as I've observed, it's not easy to stave off resentment with this sort of arrangement, especially if you are a woman financially supporting a man who doesn't even have time for you at the end of the day. SAHDs are different because those arrangements are negotiated ahead of time and the payoff for the woman is that she doesn't have to do childcare and thus can focus on her career. But in your case, there is no payoff and might never be. I follow the blog of a young woman who is going through the exact same thing you are. She has financially supported her husband for years, and her resentment just shows through in almost every single post she writes. She managed to finally see things all the way through to an almost-divorce... but then caved and is still with him now. I suspect they will keep going through that cycle until he either picks up his act or she leaves him for good. You do have something going for you that she doesn't, though - your partner is going to school which presumably means a decent career after, her partner is just chronically unemployed. You really just have to decide if you think he is worth staying with until things get better. It is totally okay whichever way you decide - don't let people guilt trip you into thinking any differently. Also, it sounds like a big cause of your resentment is that you seem to think that he just 'decided' to do this and you got roped along into helping. Is this true? Did he genuinely never discuss his options with you, did he never give you a say in it? He did discuss it with me that he wanted to be a firefighter and did tell me that it would be a sacrifice. I was fine with it because I didn't think we would be having these problems. He started EMT school last year June 2015 and that was only 3 months. Everything was fine then because his school schedule wasn't bad at all. When he started firefighter school in January, that's when everything changed and I felt this distance because of the schedule. He'll be done in December. I know firefighters have great schedules and here they only work 10 days a month. I am trying to look at the positives but it's hard.
spiderowl Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 (edited) This is a difficult one. I can completely understand your frustration and resentment - you are doing the tough thing and working in a job you hate, while your boyfriend is being supported to a certain extent while he does something that will lead to a career he will enjoy. It is not your fault that he has only just found his vocation and is aiming at it. It is not your fault you two have little time together. On the positive side, you say he is an amazing boyfriend in every other respect - it's just the lack of time and the fact that you are giving him free rent that is bothering you. You could be supporting a guy who will support you later on, when the two of you marry and have children. Or, you could be supporting a guy who will follow his dream but may not decide in the end to marry you. Maybe you are not sure he will end up with you and therefore the benefits do not seem to outweigh the risks? It is very hard but I think you need to weigh up whether this guy is worth two more years of this lifestyle. Having read your response too, it seems unlikely to me that your boyfriend is going to match your salary for some years. I don't know what newly qualified firefighters get paid in the US but I doubt they get that sort of money in the UK. Edited September 1, 2016 by spiderowl 1
Els Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 He did discuss it with me that he wanted to be a firefighter and did tell me that it would be a sacrifice. I was fine with it because I didn't think we would be having these problems. He started EMT school last year June 2015 and that was only 3 months. Everything was fine then because his school schedule wasn't bad at all. When he started firefighter school in January, that's when everything changed and I felt this distance because of the schedule. He'll be done in December. I know firefighters have great schedules and here they only work 10 days a month. I am trying to look at the positives but it's hard. You said something else starts in January, will his schedule be better then? If it's literally only til December, then you should definitely stick it out and see how it goes IMO. I was under the assumption that you'd said he had another year to go with this schedule.
basil67 Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 Also, we do talk about getting married and having kids all the time. He actually puts $400 a month into a savings account towards a ring for me which I have access to. This just started in June of this year and we were fighting over that because he skipped a month because he had to get his car fixed. I no longer look at the account because it's just going to drive me crazy if I check it one month and notice that he didn't put money into it. Hang on, you're complaining that he doesn't have money to take you out, but he's putting aside $400 a month for a freaking ring? Sounds like you're placing higher priority on a bit of jewellery than quality time and his ability to live comfortably. While I completely understand you being frustrated at not seeing him enough, I do think you have to address your entitlement issues. 4
Els Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 Hang on, you're complaining that he doesn't have money to take you out, but he's putting aside $400 a month for a freaking ring? Sounds like you're placing higher priority on a bit of jewellery than quality time and his ability to live comfortably. While I completely understand you being frustrated at not seeing him enough, I do think you have to address your entitlement issues. Wow, I missed that. You're right - I think the OP needs to decide if she wants a guy who has enough money to go out with her occasionally, or if she wants a fancy ring. $400 is enough for 10 cheap dates or 5 fancy dates - more than enough for a reasonable monthly dating budget. Can't have both when dude is a student. 1
Springsummer Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 Jeesus...I think OP should really dump the guy...for the reason Popsicle mentioned: Let him to find someone who won't resent him and appreciate him. OP is not really financially support him. she just resent he doesn't support her and not financially more capable than her, that's all. what more do you expect a guy in his situation does? really? can't you people give someone a break? he is doing the best he can already.
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