Thinking About a Breakup

[Miss Peach]

Short version of the story is I've been dating BF for 15 months. He is kind to me, very chivalrous, and does a lot of things most men today won't do like insisting on paying for dates, doing all the driving, pulling out my chair, open doors, etc.

 

The problems are basically into two categories.

1. There are some things he used to do. He didn't like my reaction (he thought my actions said I can't handle it) and he doesn't do the things I like anymore even though I told him each time he totally misinterpreted my response. The lack of doing these things has been leaving me feel less connected to him which is impacting my desire to see him and have sex (though I am continuing to do both as before).

 

The lack of doing these things feels like he's pulled away which is making me want to put up walls though I have been trying not to as that's not the type of relationship I want. I have told him this and tried to reassure him. He tells me he's doing this 'For the relationship'. He seems to have it in his head based on previous women if he mentions any hint of something things like marriage and commitment that I will flee. So he bring them up, takes them back, and lately stopped doing it. Some of these things were future oriented but some were as simple as dirty talk.

 

2. He's been very selfish lately and hasn't felt like someone I can count on as a partner. The latest example is he brushed off going to Ikea to get something for my kid (but is willing to help me assemble it) and told me to look into delivery when it didn't fit into my car but it fits into his and he lives 5 minutes away from the store. The second example is I was recently being followed at work and a guy tried to assault me. His response was just 'Let me know if you need anything'. No outrage, no advice, no texts to make sure I was safe, etc. Just no support.

 

I have seen him make a few adjustments here and there when I have complained but it doesn't seem to be getting through to him. Especially since he tells me he's doing some of this stuff 'for the relationship'.

 

I was hoping to get some advice on how to tell him without misinterpretation:

 

1.That I need and miss the stuff he stopped doing. That his interpretation of my response was really off. And that I will not run if he starts doing these things again. And that this is really hurtful to me and impacting my feelings for him.

 

2. I need him to step up and act more like a partner than a date. Especially since he's thought of topics like marriage, moving in together, etc. It's not going to be an option in my mind until I can trust he's really there for me in life. He seems very concerned about imposing himself but he's not really listened when I told him it's OK.

 

I don't want it to come off as an ultimatum and I don't want to force him to do anything. But to the other extent what he's doing isn't working for me and I want to open the door and be really clear. If he can't be what I need then we need to move on.

[marky00]

I think what going on here, he tried the nice-guy and somewhat putting your needs above his but he may have seen your reactions and got worried you were seeing that as a turn-off (as quite a lot of women do).

 

 

As long as its just him not being disheartened, he's just trying to adapt, thinking that if he tones down on those things, he won't be guilty of over-smothering.

 

 

Unfortunately, men are not mind readers so unless your prepared to explain to him what u liked and help him interpret your reactions, he can only continue doing what he is doing, that is adapt to what he feels is right.

[jen1447]

Little outside the box here but did he have a really devastating failed romance or sth? My BF was really damaged when I found him and I bscly had to say "I'll take care of you from now on" to get him to load in. (Not as in being his mother but bscly just a guarantee I won't finish him off emotionally.)

[preraph]

Short version of the story is I've been dating BF for 15 months. He is kind to me, very chivalrous, and does a lot of things most men today won't do like insisting on paying for dates, doing all the driving, pulling out my chair, open doors, etc.

 

The problems are basically into two categories.

1. There are some things he used to do. He didn't like my reaction (he thought my actions said I can't handle it) and he doesn't do the things I like anymore even though I told him each time he totally misinterpreted my response. The lack of doing these things has been leaving me feel less connected to him which is impacting my desire to see him and have sex (though I am continuing to do both as before).

 

The lack of doing these things feels like he's pulled away which is making me want to put up walls though I have been trying not to as that's not the type of relationship I want. I have told him this and tried to reassure him. He tells me he's doing this 'For the relationship'. He seems to have it in his head based on previous women if he mentions any hint of something things like marriage and commitment that I will flee. So he bring them up, takes them back, and lately stopped doing it. Some of these things were future oriented but some were as simple as dirty talk.

 

2. He's been very selfish lately and hasn't felt like someone I can count on as a partner. The latest example is he brushed off going to Ikea to get something for my kid (but is willing to help me assemble it) and told me to look into delivery when it didn't fit into my car but it fits into his and he lives 5 minutes away from the store. The second example is I was recently being followed at work and a guy tried to assault me. His response was just 'Let me know if you need anything'. No outrage, no advice, no texts to make sure I was safe, etc. Just no support.

 

I have seen him make a few adjustments here and there when I have complained but it doesn't seem to be getting through to him. Especially since he tells me he's doing some of this stuff 'for the relationship'.

 

I was hoping to get some advice on how to tell him without misinterpretation:

 

1.That I need and miss the stuff he stopped doing. That his interpretation of my response was really off. And that I will not run if he starts doing these things again. And that this is really hurtful to me and impacting my feelings for him.

 

2. I need him to step up and act more like a partner than a date. Especially since he's thought of topics like marriage, moving in together, etc. It's not going to be an option in my mind until I can trust he's really there for me in life. He seems very concerned about imposing himself but he's not really listened when I told him it's OK.

 

I don't want it to come off as an ultimatum and I don't want to force him to do anything. But to the other extent what he's doing isn't working for me and I want to open the door and be really clear. If he can't be what I need then we need to move on.

 

This is heinous! Selfish, lazy, uninvolved. You can tell him to act like a partner, but do you want to have to keep nagging him into things for the next 30 years? This is him. This is him while he's allegedly still trying to impress you during your dating years when guys try the hardest. This is his best self! He will go downhill from here. What couldn't he get his nose out of for 10 minutes to go pick up this thing for you? Because that is more important than you and your kid. That's all I'm saying.

[BluEyeL]

What preraph said. No 2 is the issue, since I didn't understand No 1. But having lived with an unsupportive husband for 14 years, and having a very supportive fiancee now, huge huge difference! You won't love living with someone who treats you like he doesn't care. That is a huge deal. Dumpsville, indeed this is who he is and you can tell him what you want until you lose your voice, he won't change, nobody does.

[Miss Peach]

I think what going on here, he tried the nice-guy and somewhat putting your needs above his but he may have seen your reactions and got worried you were seeing that as a turn-off (as quite a lot of women do).

 

As long as its just him not being disheartened, he's just trying to adapt, thinking that if he tones down on those things, he won't be guilty of over-smothering.

 

Unfortunately, men are not mind readers so unless your prepared to explain to him what u liked and help him interpret your reactions, he can only continue doing what he is doing, that is adapt to what he feels is right.

 

This does agree with what he explained to me. The problem I'm having is when I explain I liked all the stuff and I can handle it, he can't get out of his mind that I won't be able to.

 

Little outside the box here but did he have a really devastating failed romance or sth? My BF was really damaged when I found him and I bscly had to say "I'll take care of you from now on" to get him to load in. (Not as in being his mother but bscly just a guarantee I won't finish him off emotionally.)

 

The relationship he talks about the most was a woman he was married to who died of cancer shortly after they were married. After that there were two LTRs. The first one he seemed to have some issues with but he wanted to get married and the last LTR she wanted to get married but treated him horribly so he eventually broke it off. These other two LTRs were about a year and half in when they broke.

 

What preraph said. No 2 is the issue, since I didn't understand No 1. But having lived with an unsupportive husband for 14 years, and having a very supportive fiancee now, huge huge difference! You won't love living with someone who treats you like he doesn't care. That is a huge deal. Dumpsville, indeed this is who he is and you can tell him what you want until you lose your voice, he won't change, nobody does.

 

I have posted a bit about my confusion on #1 in other posts. The issue is he used to say things to me. Some were loving things like ILY, wanting to marry me, etc. Some were kinky things like we used to do a lot of dirty talk. Most of our arguments have been him feeling rejected over my reaction to something he said. Then he builds up a wall. He says he's doing it because I've shown him I'm not ready. I have tried to tell him he is misinterpreting me.

 

He has it in him mind that I was offended or not ready. The real issue is his timing sometimes surprised me and I didn't know how to respond. Now he is rarely verbally expressive. In the last 2 months he only told me ILY once and that was when I told him I was hurt and disappointed over his non-reaction to being stalked and assaulted. He assures me he feels the same but that he's doing this 'for the relationship'. I don't do push/pull relationships and that is what it's starting to feel like even though I don't think that's his intention.

 

This is heinous! Selfish, lazy, uninvolved. You can tell him to act like a partner, but do you want to have to keep nagging him into things for the next 30 years? This is him. This is him while he's allegedly still trying to impress you during your dating years when guys try the hardest. This is his best self! He will go downhill from here. What couldn't he get his nose out of for 10 minutes to go pick up this thing for you? Because that is more important than you and your kid. That's all I'm saying.

 

Totally agree. That is why I started thinking about breaking up. I don't want to nag him but I do want to give him the opportunity to know what I want and step up and see if this is something that can be fixed before I just cut and run.

 

I'm not sure if this is really him or he's doing it because he doesn't want to impose or is afraid if he is going to scare me off or something. He does have a silly notion that if he keeps things light it will keep my from running but it's actually pushing me away and making me question him.

Edited August 31, 2016 by Miss Peach

[marky00]

He seems to be in a lose-lose situation.

 

 

If he goes a little distant, you prolly put your walls up too.

 

 

If he tries to do those nice things again, he may well get the timing wrong which might annoy u somewhat.

 

 

So yeh, he is caught between a rock and a hard place.

 

 

Ok, he may be self-imposing some of this stuff but don't forget he is trying to watch your signs as well. Your giving off signals as well and most women tend to expect their partner to get those signals but as a man I can tell we often miss them.

[aloneinaz]

Maybe I'm old fashioned here but I think you need to sit him down for a serious campfire chat. Be direct w/him and get his attention by stating something like "I'm worried about our R/S" so he knows this is a serious chat. Throw all your concerns and fears on the table. See how he responds. Does he take ownership? Is he just saying the ride things to pacify you?

 

I think before you kick his butt to the curb, at least give him the opportunity to potentially address/correct his behavior. In no time at all, he will show his true colors. If he slips back into his old ways that are deal breakers for you, then it's time to punt.

[Miss Peach]

He seems to be in a lose-lose situation.

 

 

If he goes a little distant, you prolly put your walls up too.

 

I disagree with this. I have been very patient, supportive, and I try to see things from his side.

 

He hasn't gone a little distant. He's gone a lot distant. I've tried being patient. I've tried to reassure him for 5 months now but I keep failing some new test which makes him put more walls up more. You can see from my other posts I've had this conversation with him 5 times now. All were things I 'failed' and I tried to tell him he is misinterpreting.

 

Maybe I'm old fashioned here but I think you need to sit him down for a serious campfire chat. Be direct w/him and get his attention by stating something like "I'm worried about our R/S" so he knows this is a serious chat. Throw all your concerns and fears on the table. See how he responds. Does he take ownership? Is he just saying the ride things to pacify you?

 

I think before you kick his butt to the curb, at least give him the opportunity to potentially address/correct his behavior. In no time at all, he will show his true colors. If he slips back into his old ways that are deal breakers for you, then it's time to punt.

 

This is what I was thinking of doing. I don't want to just kick him to the curb. I really do hope it works out. I was hoping to get some tips on how to talk to him in a way that makes it clear with no room for misinterpretation. I don't feel like I've been able to express how he's making me feel where he's getting it.

[jen1447]

The relationship he talks about the most was a woman he was married to who died of cancer shortly after they were married. After that there were two LTRs. The first one he seemed to have some issues with but he wanted to get married and the last LTR she wanted to get married but treated him horribly so he eventually broke it off. These other two LTRs were about a year and half in when they broke.

 

Ok.

 

Have you tried the frank discussion Peaches? I guess I'm not real clear on why he wouldn't get it if you put it to him plainly, pretty much just like you stated here. Speaking of which - if it's easier you could write him. Then just explain in the dialog followup that's it's easier to organize and express your thoughts that way.

 

I remember one time getting a written love pledge from someone I generally saw every day who could have easily just told me in person. It was kinda sweet.

[mg4514]

I'm gonna catch hell for saying this, I get it, so let me have it.

 

I have been in his situation. We are only getting your perspective on these events, I.e. What you said, how you reacted, etc. Marky00 is onto something with his assessment because it sounds like he sat in your bf's chair as well.

 

Your bf used to do all things you enjoyed, and now he no longer does them based on some reaction you had. His natural reaction was to pull back. Can you not see he was following your lead? Like Marky said, he can't win.

 

Instead of having a frank discussion about these things. How about you accept responsibility for your actions. If you were insensitive, or ridiculing his values, try apologizing. Don't ask him, force him, or....ultimatum him...into anything. Try treating him with respect, and in time, allowing him to do those things for you again IN HIS OWN TIME.

 

You've basically emasculated this guy by having some reaction to his values, and you wonder why you feel less connected? Now you wanna withdraw - and use sex (as an excuse) to get your way. Try loving him just the way he is, and quit trying to change him. If you don't love who he has become, you might be the one responsible for it. Making demands isn't gonna be the answer. Good luck.

[Captivating]

This might not be the case, but do you think that he is a narcissist ?\

Love bombing first, sex early on in the relationship, making you addicted, using you for his purposes until you are useful.

Can he handle criticism ? Narcissists can't handle that, but love hearing positive feedback constantly.

[marky00]

I'm gonna catch hell for saying this, I get it, so let me have it.

 

I have been in his situation. We are only getting your perspective on these events, I.e. What you said, how you reacted, etc. Marky00 is onto something with his assessment because it sounds like he sat in your bf's chair as well.

 

Your bf used to do all things you enjoyed, and now he no longer does them based on some reaction you had. His natural reaction was to pull back. Can you not see he was following your lead? Like Marky said, he can't win.

 

Instead of having a frank discussion about these things. How about you accept responsibility for your actions. If you were insensitive, or ridiculing his values, try apologizing. Don't ask him, force him, or....ultimatum him...into anything. Try treating him with respect, and in time, allowing him to do those things for you again IN HIS OWN TIME.

 

You've basically emasculated this guy by having some reaction to his values, and you wonder why you feel less connected? Now you wanna withdraw - and use sex (as an excuse) to get your way. Try loving him just the way he is, and quit trying to change him. If you don't love who he has become, you might be the one responsible for it. Making demands isn't gonna be the answer. Good luck.

 

This is dead right. And yes I have sat in that chair.

 

 

You see, your giving him chances and talking etc, but its on your terms, not his. That is just going to pressure him even more.

 

 

You have two options:

 

 

1) Put your needs to the side for a while and focus on his. He may start to feel re-assured with that ego boost and start to go back to his natural ways, which is what u liked before.

 

 

2) If you feel that is something you cant do, then tell him you don't know what's going on but you would like him to relax, allowing some fun back into the relationship. You can tell him your not happy right now (not necessarily pointing the finger at him) and saying that your getting to the point of considering leaving. Option 1 is way better because actually saying u may leave distorts things further and puts even more pressure on but having sat in that chair, I definitely would have appreciated it if my Ex gave me that one serious final warning.

[Miss Peach]

I went go with the discussion route. I do feel he heard me. He repeated a lot of it back to me. He even did a few things I asked for right then and there. He was concerned that I wanted to break up and that I might be too far gone but let me know his feelings for me haven't changed. I tried to reassure him I don't want to go anywhere. I just want to do some course corrections and incorporate things that we used to do that I'm missing and made me feel better being with him.

 

We talked a bit about the stuff he didn't think I was ready for or had stopped doing. He was concerned in places he was crossing lines but I told him he wasn't. That was he was inferring from my reaction was totally something different. He did get the message that it was OK and even started doing it again last night.

 

I think now it will just be waiting to see if everything sticks. I also made sure he knew that I know he's doing his best but these things made me feel better in the relationship.

 

This is dead right. And yes I have sat in that chair.

 

 

You see, your giving him chances and talking etc, but its on your terms, not his. That is just going to pressure him even more.

 

 

You have two options:

 

 

1) Put your needs to the side for a while and focus on his. He may start to feel re-assured with that ego boost and start to go back to his natural ways, which is what u liked before.

 

 

2) If you feel that is something you cant do, then tell him you don't know what's going on but you would like him to relax, allowing some fun back into the relationship. You can tell him your not happy right now (not necessarily pointing the finger at him) and saying that your getting to the point of considering leaving. Option 1 is way better because actually saying u may leave distorts things further and puts even more pressure on but having sat in that chair, I definitely would have appreciated it if my Ex gave me that one serious final warning.

 

I do see your point. The thing is unlike most women I assume he has my best interests at heart and he's doing the best he can. I let all the little things slide because I know that he loves me and cares and does a lot of things trying to show that. I let him know all the time how much I appreciate all the stuff he does for me. It's pretty rare for me to bring things up as most little things do not bother me. In 16 months this will be only the third time I've had to bring something up. I do not like to nag or change men. I strongly believe I have to be able to accept them as they are or move on. I also believe that a man has to be able to give freely, not out of obligation.

 

I have been focusing on his needs for months now hoping he would get back to feeling comfortable enough to do it on his own. He has every right to do or not do these things. I never try to control him. But he also has the right to know that it's impacting my feelings and have the chance to course correct.

 

I left out that I'm considering leaving. It's not what I really want to do. We have had such a great relationship. I just want to stop it from going off the rails before it impacts the relationship which is what I told him. I know he has no idea this stuff is hurting me and he seems to want to be a good BF. I just wanted to let him know it's impact on me. I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. I really don't want to break up unless the relationship isn't working for me and he doesn't want to change it. I'm OK with giving it some more time if he wants to do this stuff but wasn't sure how I felt about it. I think I was clear enough that he finally got the message.

Edited September 1, 2016 by Miss Peach

[Miss Peach]

I'm gonna catch hell for saying this, I get it, so let me have it.

 

I have been in his situation. We are only getting your perspective on these events, I.e. What you said, how you reacted, etc. Marky00 is onto something with his assessment because it sounds like he sat in your bf's chair as well.

 

Your bf used to do all things you enjoyed, and now he no longer does them based on some reaction you had. His natural reaction was to pull back. Can you not see he was following your lead? Like Marky said, he can't win.

 

Instead of having a frank discussion about these things. How about you accept responsibility for your actions. If you were insensitive, or ridiculing his values, try apologizing. Don't ask him, force him, or....ultimatum him...into anything. Try treating him with respect, and in time, allowing him to do those things for you again IN HIS OWN TIME.

 

You've basically emasculated this guy by having some reaction to his values, and you wonder why you feel less connected? Now you wanna withdraw - and use sex (as an excuse) to get your way. Try loving him just the way he is, and quit trying to change him. If you don't love who he has become, you might be the one responsible for it. Making demands isn't gonna be the answer. Good luck.

 

I do see your point but I have already apologized for my reaction when these things first occurred and tried to tell him what I meant. I have never used sex to get my way. He still gets often just as before. I have just noticed I have trouble getting into as much as before. I have already gone down the waiting road, the apology road, the reassurance road. But I do know he's the type of guy who will wait for a sign from me it's OK which is what I've been trying to give him. He finally did seem to get the message.

 

This might not be the case, but do you think that he is a narcissist ?\

Love bombing first, sex early on in the relationship, making you addicted, using you for his purposes until you are useful.

Can he handle criticism ? Narcissists can't handle that, but love hearing positive feedback constantly.

 

I see your point. I have a lot of experience with narcissists (my industry is full of them). The thing I don't see with him is a sense of entitlement which is usually one of the easiest ways to spot one. Also in this relationship it went very slow in the beginning. With narcissists you tend to see them rush into things to get attachment and then they let down the mask later.

 

I sense that this is more of a case of him feeling butthurt after going out on a limb and it not going as it did in his head.

[Lansing]

I am glad you had a chat with him and hopefully things work out. Much better to make sure there is no misunderstanding/etc then to just end things.

 

I hope that you also go out of your way to help him and do nice things for him. I can understand about not offering to go pick up the Ikea furniture as sometimes as a guy I find myself offering too much of myself. And, sometimes a girl can be passive and imply that they want me to do something instead of just asking. If you asked and said "hey, I would really appreciate if we could go to Ikea together in your vehicle as xyz will fit in there" and he said "just do delivery" than that sounds lazy. However, if you never asked and you just want him to offer than it sounds more like you want these things as signs that he likes you to a certain level.

[marky00]

This thread definitely makes me feel upset how my Ex gave me no warnings at all and it was long-distance.

 

I was going through a horrible rough patch and was hardly contacting coz didn't want to sound all stressed out and complaining about my issues.

 

This was going on for several months and she never attempted to contact me during this period.

 

I'd call every now and then and ask her"you ok right?" and she kept saying yes, she's fine.

 

Then one time I called, she asked me to organise a holiday. I had full intention to do so but had to straighten out the personal issues first (if at all possible).

 

I call her up like a few weeks later and she breaks it off there and then. Looking back I know that period was hard for both of us, but to be LDR and not one talk saying she wasn't happy after 8 years, well thats just brutal. She just sat back and watched me drown, simple as that.

[Miss Peach]

I am glad you had a chat with him and hopefully things work out. Much better to make sure there is no misunderstanding/etc then to just end things.

 

I hope that you also go out of your way to help him and do nice things for him. I can understand about not offering to go pick up the Ikea furniture as sometimes as a guy I find myself offering too much of myself. And, sometimes a girl can be passive and imply that they want me to do something instead of just asking. If you asked and said "hey, I would really appreciate if we could go to Ikea together in your vehicle as xyz will fit in there" and he said "just do delivery" than that sounds lazy. However, if you never asked and you just want him to offer than it sounds more like you want these things as signs that he likes you to a certain level.

 

Thanks. I do go out of my way to help him, make him dinner, give him treats, etc. all the time.

 

The Ikea one really just annoyed me because he had previously offered to pick it up. I told him I was going to check out the price but then decided against it when he made that comment. I could see it both ways but the timing was bad. This came the same week where I supported him through something but he didn't help me with something hard that I went through at the same time (a guy tried to attack me in the parking lot at work). I felt like my coworkers were more supportive and protective of me which hurt. But he already knew that hurt me.

 

This thread definitely makes me feel upset how my Ex gave me no warnings at all and it was long-distance.

 

I was going through a horrible rough patch and was hardly contacting coz didn't want to sound all stressed out and complaining about my issues.

 

This was going on for several months and she never attempted to contact me during this period.

 

I'd call every now and then and ask her"you ok right?" and she kept saying yes, she's fine.

 

Then one time I called, she asked me to organise a holiday. I had full intention to do so but had to straighten out the personal issues first (if at all possible).

 

I call her up like a few weeks later and she breaks it off there and then. Looking back I know that period was hard for both of us, but to be LDR and not one talk saying she wasn't happy after 8 years, well thats just brutal. She just sat back and watched me drown, simple as that.

 

I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you. Especially in a LDR I can see how that would be hard to go through that stuff without any support. I feel that in an established relationship you should be a team and cheerleaders so to speak for each other. I debated whether to post it here or in dating but my posts always get lost in dating so I posted it here. I can see why it might be triggering to you that I would just dump him and it would seem to be out of the blue to my BF.

 

I wouldn't want to blindside anyone. The issue I have is when something isn't working for me I have to try to understand if it's something they want to do or are OK doing or if they are just paying me lip service. My last 2 exes would tell me they were 'working on it as an excuse. I don't want them to change if they don't want to but if it's a big enough issue that it's a deal breaker to me I need to be able to walk away. It can be hard sometimes to know if you're being told lip service or if the person was just trying not to cross a line. But I do believe it putting it out there and seeing if someone wants to do that for the relationship.

Edited September 1, 2016 by Miss Peach

[Captivating]

I was thinking that maybe he asks others' opinion as well, like you did up here.

Sadly, most people would suggest : "Don't be too nice to her, don't spoil her, girls like a little challenge...be an ass at times"

He might not want to be seem vulnerable, (macho thing) so he is giving you a hard time so that you don't overestimate yourself in the relationship. ?? He doesn't want to spoil you so you don't lose interest. Has he been burned badly in a relationship before?

These are only guesses.....might not be true at all.