Just Friends? Huh?

[Lovelorn00]

Wow that is some pretty great feedback! Good for you that he was able to be so honest with you .... and you so gracious in receiving it!

 

I can only imagine that hearing that someone we like just isn't feeling it is a hard pill to swallow.... ouch!

 

He sounds very in touch with his feelings and what he wants/needs too which is rare.

 

Never think you are "undateable" LL. You are only what, 32? You have many years ahead.

 

Continue with your therapy if it's helping and try to work through the anxiety.

 

I used to suffer from bad anxiety too.... which I manage now through running, yoga and healthy eating.

 

It really helps!!!

 

Well, let's not give him all the credit. Lol Most of that was my own explanation for what I think he meant by "not feeling" it. He didn't exactly tell me all that stuff. He told me enough to draw my own conclusions, though.

 

I just know that I'm going to miss him. I'm going to be kicking myself for a very long time for letting this one get away.

 

And yes, I've thought about re-enrolling in yoga class, and try to run 2-3 times a week. It does help while I'm doing it, but those endorphins quickly wear off. But yes, I've decided to throw myself into a better fitness plan. It'll make me feel better.

 

We're still friends on social media, so there's a little part of me that wants to get super hot and fit and post a pic that he'll see some day and think, "Wow. Can't believe I let that one go."

[Formerfiveo]

Not to give you any false hope, but...it doesn't sound like any bridges were burned, so there is no reason you can't revisit dating later down the road, AFTER you do some work on managing your anxieties.

 

I've always been a big believer in the possibility of revisiting a relationship IF it wasn't unhealthy.

 

My ex bf broke up with me several months ago after only 2 mths dating, and it forced me to really look at myself and make some needed changes. Not for him, but for me. He was also a really good guy, but my neuroses turned him off.

 

I went no contact for several months, went to a counselor, and worked hard on finding my self confidence again. The ex and I are back in communication and are starting to spend more time with each other. We'll see what happens, but it feels like a fresh start.

 

I wish you strength and courage in doing the hard work.

[Lovelorn00]

Not to give you any false hope, but...it doesn't sound like any bridges were burned, so there is no reason you can't revisit dating later down the road, AFTER you do some work on managing your anxieties.

 

I've always been a big believer in the possibility of revisiting a relationship IF it wasn't unhealthy.

 

My ex bf broke up with me several months ago after only 2 mths dating, and it forced me to really look at myself and make some needed changes. Not for him, but for me. He was also a really good guy, but my neuroses turned him off.

 

I went no contact for several months, went to a counselor, and worked hard on finding my self confidence again. The ex and I are back in communication and are starting to spend more time with each other. We'll see what happens, but it feels like a fresh start.

 

I wish you strength and courage in doing the hard work.

 

Thanks! That's awesome news! I'm very happy for you! And great advice as well. I've gotten back together with a few good exes in the past. I'm still friends with most of them. I also know how much false hope can really kill a person inside, so I'm working on just learning from it and letting it go.

 

However, I will say that he seems very adamant about staying friends and staying in contact. When I told him I figured we'd never speak to each other again, he was against that. He even told me to call him or text him any time, and that he would call and text me from time to time. "Anytime you need advice or just someone to listen," he said, "Don't ever hesitate to call. I mean that." Sigh. He was so wonderful.

 

He also said that he understood if I wanted to cut things off completely and never talk to him again. I think he knows that staying in touch will probably give me false hope. He basically left it up to me to decide.

 

Either way, I'm going to let him be for a while. Work on myself, my anxiety. We sound very similar, the way you describe yourself. Maybe I will update this thread with a happy story like yours some day!

[ashy555]

I actually enjoyed reading this thread. So similar to some of my recent dating experiences.

 

I also took a few notes on some things Katiegirl said. Thank you! You had some great advice

 

I am usually in the same vote. Usually a few months in things go sour and that is mostly when I really start to like them. I used to always try to pull the cool girl act by just going with the flow and not putting pressure on anything out of fear of rejection. I tried hard not too anyway and sometimes believe I come across as the total opposite. With my most recent experience, I tried hard NOT to do that. Not let a man walk all over me. If he said or did something that I wasn't happy with. I confronted him nicely. I think in the end that is what scared him away (who knows, but goes to show he wasn't for me)

 

I have to say though. When you initially start to feel something is off. It's usually because it is.

I've done my fair share of dating and I can tell you the hurt and the pain does make you stronger and MUCH more resilient. All you need is time and you will heal. I find each time I heal much quicker. It also teaches you something new that you can take into your next relationship.

 

I know how much it sucks. Trust me. I went through this about a month ago when i was essentially dumped through text. It hurts. I cried on the phone to my mum for at least an hour. At least he had a conversation and was willing to talk to you about it. He sounds like a decent guy but not everyone is meant for everyone. Sometimes things are not meant to be. Don't be so hard on yourself. I am sure you're a very beautiful girl who deserves so much more. You just have to lift your head up and keep going. One of the biggest things is that we don't let our pasts taint our futures.

[doyathinkso]

Thanks, doyathinkso. How do you think he was using me? I saw him as a pretty great guy.

 

He was just stringing you along. He has you 'friendzoned'.

 

You were 'easy companionship' until someone he actually wanted came along.

 

Trust me, if he wanted you as a girlfriend you would have known it.

 

Honour yourself. Don't be some guy's plan B, or C, or D. ( Or plan (shudder) FWB.)

 

Save your feelings for the Right man.

[Lovelorn00]

I actually enjoyed reading this thread. So similar to some of my recent dating experiences.

 

I also took a few notes on some things Katiegirl said. Thank you! You had some great advice

 

I am usually in the same vote. Usually a few months in things go sour and that is mostly when I really start to like them. I used to always try to pull the cool girl act by just going with the flow and not putting pressure on anything out of fear of rejection. I tried hard not too anyway and sometimes believe I come across as the total opposite. With my most recent experience, I tried hard NOT to do that. Not let a man walk all over me. If he said or did something that I wasn't happy with. I confronted him nicely. I think in the end that is what scared him away (who knows, but goes to show he wasn't for me)

 

I have to say though. When you initially start to feel something is off. It's usually because it is.

I've done my fair share of dating and I can tell you the hurt and the pain does make you stronger and MUCH more resilient. All you need is time and you will heal. I find each time I heal much quicker. It also teaches you something new that you can take into your next relationship.

 

I know how much it sucks. Trust me. I went through this about a month ago when i was essentially dumped through text. It hurts. I cried on the phone to my mum for at least an hour. At least he had a conversation and was willing to talk to you about it. He sounds like a decent guy but not everyone is meant for everyone. Sometimes things are not meant to be. Don't be so hard on yourself. I am sure you're a very beautiful girl who deserves so much more. You just have to lift your head up and keep going. One of the biggest things is that we don't let our pasts taint our futures.

 

Thanks, ashy555. I feel less alone knowing that there are others out there struggling with the same dating issues. Like you, I tried so hard with this one. What's funny is that I wasn't even really all that into him when I first met him, but since my "picker" is broken, I've learned that I have to give guys who don't give me those instant butterflies a chance. There were a couple of things about him that were kinda quirky, but they didn't cause me to feel like anything was "off". Just normal human flaws - none of them even close to deal-breakers in my book.

 

After obsessing, er... thinking about it last night, I also believe that our age difference played a role. He was 5 years younger, which did cause me to raise an eyebrow at first. He turned out to be a sweet, mature gentleman, though.

 

However, the biggest issue here was my anxiety. I call it my "anxiety hump" because it doesn't last forever. The cycle goes like this - I meet someone. I'm not really super into them at first. Two months go by, and I begin to fall for them. Around the same time, the anxiety kicks in. IF we manage to make it over the "anxiety hump", the anxiety eventually subsides, once I realize they're genuinely good guys. 99% can't make it over the anxiety hump. I've only had a handful of boyfriends who did.

 

Anyway, I guess my point is that someone his age might not have the patience required to make it over the anxiety hump. So even though I didn't notice the age difference in any other area, that might've actually played a role.

 

Like you, I've become more resilient with these things over time. I'm a little less devastated today, and I feel like I'll be able to crawl out of this hole a little quicker than I've been able to in the past, which is great. It shows growth. I hope that growth continues for both of us!