Just Friends? Huh?

[Lovelorn00]

LL, no one is suggesting that you act insecure, nagging, discuss commitment too soon, pursue them too heavily, needy, etc.

 

Yes those things will turn men off, and women too!

 

And no you don't need to find men who will accept these traits in you.... instead you take steps to become more secure, less nagging, less needy, etc.

 

You learn to have boundaries and stick to them.

 

You learn to have faith in the connection you have developed and develop your own perception and intuition and let that be your guide.

 

You can be that cool chick but still be genuine and real.

 

Pretending to be cool, pretending to be anything, is disingenuous and phony and that is a turn off to most men, most people!

 

I know, I'm saying that's who I am naturally. They may not be great traits to have, but that's who I am. I'm a work in progress. There will always be some insecurity, etc. Thats just part of being human. That's who I am.

 

I read a quote somewhere the other day that said something alone the lines of, "The trick to a loving relationship is finding someone who sees all of your bad qualities and still wants to be with you." Of course, it was stated in a more eloquent way, but you see what I mean.

 

Im not saying anyone is asking me to be those things. I'm saying I AM those things, and the trick, for me, is finding the guy who accepts all of those personality flaws.

[katiegrl]

I know, I'm saying that's who I am naturally. They may not be great traits to have, but that's who I am. I'm a work in progress. There will always be some insecurity, etc. Thats just part of being human. That's who I am.

 

I read a quote somewhere the other day that said something alone the lines of, "The trick to a loving relationship is finding someone who sees all of your bad qualities and still wants to be with you." Of course, it was stated in a more eloquent way, but you see what I mean.

 

Im not saying anyone is asking me to be those things. I'm saying I AM those things, and the trick, for me, is finding the guy who accepts all of those personality flaws.

 

Hey I get insecure too! We all do.

 

But I realize that is my issue to deal with, not his, so I have learned to contain my insecurities at least with him.

 

Some may not agree with that, but I don't believe in burdening people (my boyfriends) with my own neuroses, these are my issues to deal with, not his.

 

Unless I feel HE is doing something to cause me to feel insecure; in that case and it is a LTR, I discuss it with him.

 

If he and I are just dating for a short while (first few months), I just next him.

 

No one needs that type of shyt in their life, life is insecure enough without people intentionally playing head games causing us to feel that way.

Edited September 1, 2016 by katiegrl

[Versacehottie]

You're attaching too much meaning to this. If you two haven't agreed to be boyfriend/girlfriend, then he may have been afraid of overstepping by saying so and not knowing if you considered that to be the case. Why don't you just say to him that you were disappointed that he said friend and not girlfriend. I don't think this is indicative of how he feels about you.

 

Yeah say that. I would do it in a teasing, funny way. Lighten the decision, make it "easy" not serious. I agree that it's not indicative of the way he feels about you because he actions match up with someone who cares more than friends (good for you btw!!).

 

I would also add if you keep having this problem at two months where they pull away maybe it's precisely because of this type of thing on your part (not always, of course, but you could be a contributor). Like you get dejected and hurt and sensitive because you don't have a title or get overly sensitive about each movement wanting some reassurance that it's going somewhere. I think it's good to have a guy pin you down rather than the other way around. I think guys are usually careful not to overpromise or look too far ahead--so when you try to do that so you have assurance you can end up pushing them away.

 

I'd say if you are getting the attention and time and activities you want with him. Be easy, breezy and enjoy yourself. Tease him as much as you comfortably can fit into the next little time frame about being friends and pull back slightly. That has definitely worked for me. The teasing and lightheartedness fits my personality. I do think if it's a repeated problem for you maybe you are more on the serious, planning type side which can make everything a lot heavier and more of a commitment feeling. I know there are ways to handle that with directness too--but a lot of times if you are directly going to push the issue, it will drive them away. In their minds it's a non-issue. I'd say if you are not a gf, then don't act like one.

 

Your guy got upset and made sure to pin you down when exclusivity was in question. He is likely to do the same when your girlfriend-ness is in question. People usually want what they can't easily have. Ok, good luck

[Versacehottie]

It seems like it would be presumptuous of him if he called you his girlfriend if you two had not discussed it and agreed that you were bf/Gf. Had you discussed it beforehand? Did you discuss it after?

 

I totally agree and think it's very possible that's why he said friend. I think OP is taking it too seriously and not seeing the various sides to it like the rest of us are. She is only seeing it as a diss. If he's a good guy who wants to move forward more formally, he is probably either waiting for her to talk to him about it now or will bring it up himself shortly, especially if she pulls back.

[Versacehottie]

I think, for me, making that assumption was a bit of a defense mechanism. I can't be hurt if I just go ahead and assume he's seeing other people. Sounds dumb, but yeah, you're right - never assume anything.

 

Yeah I think when you say "i'm not your girlfriend or anything" in the context and timing that you used it as. It's a complete defense mechanism and comes off insecure and transparent. That's why it's a turn off in that context.

 

Teasing him after his "misstep" of calling you a friend when introducing you to this other guy is like flirty calling him out on his misstep. that's confident and smart and putting yourself first and also lighthearted. You can also bond with him over the friend that put both of you on the spot and it might generate a good conversation where you clarify what you are but it happens in a way that's less threatening or putting your guy on the spot.

 

Sure you can also be direct and just ask him. You know yourself and this guy the best. If you truly feel that he's been pulling back lately and you are not just being overly sensitive and anxious about it, I think the direct way is not the best. The impatience that anxiety causes puts your relationship on an arbitrary timeline that doesn't allow for this guy's own stuff to have a place. That's assuming you want to have something with him. If knowing where you stand is the most important thing to you so you can keep everything moving, then by all means ask. I'm on the general opinion that if you are getting what you want and need otherwise, especially at two months, then maybe the bigger longer term picture is more important than knowing the answer RIGHT NOW.

 

I think whatever you do, it's important not to let "poor me" feelings creep in where you are throwing in the towel in a self-defeatist way--which i've already notice a bit of in this thread. How you interpret what you decide to do and how you handle and how you define the outcome all have bearing on how you characterize yourself. If you ask the question bc you feel you need to know now and deserve an answer and get a no, let's say--then be confident that you are doing exactly what you want to do in order to live the life you want. Not that you messed up. That you took the hard path to get what you want. (ie leave an indecisive guy because you feel at 2 months he should know and don't want to waste your time--in other words it's a good thing bc it leads you toward your goals). I do think you give mixed signals and part of that may be because you have mixed goals or not clear goals in mind. Even though you might think you do. Good luck LL

[Lovelorn00]

Thanks, Versacehottie. Your words are always very helpful.

Unfortunately, I won't get a chance to put your advice to use with this one. He just broke it off with me tonight.

 

I'm pretty torn up about it. I don't know why, because a) we didn't date that long and b) I kinda saw it coming. I'm just... really, really kicking myself for losing a good one this time.

[MissBee]

 

Why do guys do this? Why is it so important to them to avoid labeling someone a girlfriend when it appears that she is in every other way?

 

There was a thread recently where a woman was doing this.

 

But in short, avoiding labeling in almost all instances is to avoid commitment and because they do not want to be in a relationship. Labels matter. Clearly, he can get everything he wants from you and then still introduce you as a friend and technically be free to do whatever and without labels people aren't as accountable and when they do shytty things can say "Well...we were technically not in a relationship."

 

If you want a relationship don't stick around and play pseudo-gf to someone who is avoiding defining the relationship, it almost always never works out in your favor. Believe me, a man who wants you to be his gf will say so and you are also responsible for being frank and having these talks and not just making assumptions....that's how adult dating has to work. You ask questions and make choices based on the answers. Many people who don't ask are afraid of the answer, which is already a bad sign. Lots of people, even women, will take the fringe benefits of a relationship: sex, the person doing stuff for them, someone to hang out with, attention, but have NO INTENTION of ever being serious.

[salparadise]

...so maybe all is not lost. Still probably wise for me to pull back, though. This anxiety is making me say some pretty messed up things.

 

I think, for me, making that assumption was a bit of a defense mechanism. I can't be hurt if I just go ahead and assume he's seeing other people. Sounds dumb, but yeah, you're right - never assume anything.

 

Well, the purpose of the pull back is just straight-up fear at this point, not necessarily game-playing. I've already screwed this up. I'm afraid of what else will come out of my mouth now.

 

I hear ya loud and clear, though. Communication is key, and if I'm going to date like an adult woman, I need to be willing to have these conversations and deal with the consequences. If he runs, he runs. It is what it is.

 

 

You are a lot closer than you seem to realize. You're all around it without quite nailing the bullseye. You probably have the fearful-avoidant attachment style and a tendency to push away and create distance to avoid the anxiety caused feeling vulnerable.

 

Everyone has to deal with feelings of vulnerability when they care deeply for someone else, and people do it in different ways. Your tendency is to push away when what you really want is to be closer and have him be more affirming. The cause is not being confident of your worthiness. The cure is self acceptance and to integrate the belief that you are worthy of being loved even though you are flawed and imperfect.

 

These are not new revelations. It's the same for everyone. But people deal with it differently depending on their attachment style and the degree that this fear/anxiety unnerves us. I think it helps to understand the theory so that we can accurately assess and monitor our emotions. In doing the you can say to yourself, hey I know what that feeling is and it's perfectly natural. I can just push through and tolerate it rather than having to react in such a way that it disrupts my relationship. Here are a couple of links that will probably help:

 

Attachment Styles in Wikipedia

Brené Brown on Vulnerabilty

[Lovelorn00]

There was a thread recently where a woman was doing this.

 

But in short, avoiding labeling in almost all instances is to avoid commitment and because they do not want to be in a relationship. Labels matter. Clearly, he can get everything he wants from you and then still introduce you as a friend and technically be free to do whatever and without labels people aren't as accountable and when they do shytty things can say "Well...we were technically not in a relationship."

 

If you want a relationship don't stick around and play pseudo-gf to someone who is avoiding defining the relationship, it almost always never works out in your favor. Believe me, a man who wants you to be his gf will say so and you are also responsible for being frank and having these talks and not just making assumptions....that's how adult dating has to work. You ask questions and make choices based on the answers. Many people who don't ask are afraid of the answer, which is already a bad sign. Lots of people, even women, will take the fringe benefits of a relationship: sex, the person doing stuff for them, someone to hang out with, attention, but have NO INTENTION of ever being serious.

 

Yeah, I actually tried looking through the most recent threads for this issue, because I'm sure it's pretty common. I couldn't find anything, though.

 

This guy definitely wanted to be in a relationship. We had that discussion on the first date. He wasn't looking for something casual. He was also exclusively seeing me. And I don't think he was lying about any of this. Like I mentioned before, this guy was a good guy. And I screwed it up.

 

He did mention the communication issue. We both agreed that we should've been up front and communicated how we felt about each other better. We were both assuming things. I was assuming he was talking to other girls and he was assuming that I knew we were exclusive. I wish I would've told him how I felt and where I wanted our relationship to go much sooner. I take full responsibility for not communicating better in this situation.

 

It's such a fine line, though. On the one side, there are the folks who say, "Girl, take it easy. Just go with the flow. Live in the moment. Don’t ask questions. What will be will be.” And then there’s the other side of the court who says, “Communicate what you want up front. Ask questions. Make sure you’re on the same page, etc.”

I struggle with trying to strike that balance.

 

 

 

The whole situation just sucks, and I feel like crawling into a hole.

[katiegrl]

 

This guy definitely wanted to be in a relationship. We had that discussion on the first date. He wasn't looking for something casual. He was also exclusively seeing me. And I don't think he was lying about any of this. Like I mentioned before, this guy was a good guy. And I screwed it up.

 

It's such a fine line, though. On the one side, there are the folks who say, "Girl, take it easy. Just go with the flow. Live in the moment. Don’t ask questions. What will be will be.” And then there’s the other side of the court who says, “Communicate what you want up front. Ask questions. Make sure you’re on the same page, etc.”

 

 

LL, I am getting a bit annoyed with you now. lol

 

He TOLD you he was looking for a "relationship," he was exclusively seeing you..... what more did you need? I am not understanding.

 

Yes you can be cool, go with the flow, what will be will be (I do!).... but also pay attention to what he tells you and his actions, how he is treating you .... and ask questions if you're confused.

 

Or if it's early on (first few months) and your intuition is telling you something isn't jiving or it doesn't feel right, just next him.

 

If you choose to stay, don't be afraid to ask the hard questions! You are walking on eggshells with these guys (not just him but all the ones before him).

 

If they screw up or do something that is hurtful (like blow you off), get mad!! You don't have to go ballistic, but don't let them get away with that crap and it's happened to you many times from what you've written in previous threads.

 

All because you want to be that "cool" chick, which only means you are too afraid to rock the boat, possibly pissing/turning them off.... that is BS.

 

Speaking personally, my boyfriends have always had the utmost respect for me for calling them out on their shyt! It increased their interest level in me NOT decreased it.

 

Secret - men KNOW perfectly well when they're behaving badly, and if you allow them to get away with it because you want to be that cool chick, they will lose respect AND interest in you.

 

No one wants a doormat and that includes men and women. It's one of the biggest turn offs out there.

 

Being passive and weak never solves anything. Speak up!!

 

You need to find that balance LL.... what works for YOU.

 

Toss out these self-help/advice books and articles you are reading. Get to know yourself and what YOU need and works for YOU.

 

All these advice books are doing are giving you mixed messages and confusing you.

 

Learn to become more secure within yourself, less needy, more independent. Not so reliant on having "a boyfriend."

 

Lastly, we all have insecurities and need reassurance from time to time. I know I do!

 

But that doesn't mean sharing every single thought you're thinking and feeling with them. It's a bit much and to a man, amounts to a ton of drama. Learn to contain a bit.

 

Again it's a balance. Get to know yourself to see what's right and works for you.

 

That said, I am really sorry you are hurting right now. It sucks for sure.

 

But the good news is, you did learn something and can take that with you to your next RL.

 

Every RL you have brings you closer to where you are supposed to be.

 

Best of luck moving forward!!

Edited September 1, 2016 by katiegrl

[Gr8fuln2020]

There was a thread recently where a woman was doing this.

 

But in short, avoiding labeling in almost all instances is to avoid commitment and because they do not want to be in a relationship. Labels matter. Clearly, he can get everything he wants from you and then still introduce you as a friend and technically be free to do whatever and without labels people aren't as accountable and when they do shytty things can say "Well...we were technically not in a relationship."

 

If you want a relationship don't stick around and play pseudo-gf to someone who is avoiding defining the relationship, it almost always never works out in your favor. Believe me, a man who wants you to be his gf will say so and you are also responsible for being frank and having these talks and not just making assumptions....that's how adult dating has to work. You ask questions and make choices based on the answers. Many people who don't ask are afraid of the answer, which is already a bad sign. Lots of people, even women, will take the fringe benefits of a relationship: sex, the person doing stuff for them, someone to hang out with, attention, but have NO INTENTION of ever being serious.

 

Yup. Contrary to some people's beliefs, LABELS DO MATTER. You can argue that being bf/gf is not as important as how one acts, but if one or the other is reluctant to let the world know what your relationship is in truth, then that indicates A LACK OF PUBLIC/TRANSPARENT commitment.

[katiegrl]

Yup. Contrary to some people's beliefs, LABELS DO MATTER. You can argue that being bf/gf is not as important as how one acts, but if one or the other is reluctant to let the world know what your relationship is in truth, then that indicates A LACK OF PUBLIC/TRANSPARENT commitment.

 

Well to be fair to the guy, LL was the one who told him he could do what he wants, that she wasn't his girlfriend. Even after knowing he was exclusively dating her.

 

Not sure what y'all expected him to do with that....but he would have to be nuts to introduce her as his gf after she said that.

[TXGuy]

He actually already told me that we were exclusive. I think? I don't know. Later that same night, when we were in the car, he told me he wasn't seeing anyone else. He actually said it quite sharply and loudly, and repeated himself multiple times to really get the point across (probably because he's aware now that I'm insane).

 

I know this comment is too late for this relationship, but there was an even bigger problem that no one else has pointed out.

 

In the quote above, he repeatedly told you he wasn't seeing anyone else. He was expecting you to say the same back to him. Your silence was essentially taken an admission that you were seeing/banging other guys. That is why he repeated it so much and got loud.

 

And this came after you told him that you assumed he was seeing other women the first month(s?) of the relationship. The subtext there was you thought he was seeing other women, and you were banging other guys.

 

In neither case did you tell him (at least not in your posts here) that you were not banging other guys. You certainly gave the impression that you were.

 

The first sentence of the quoted post (and in other posts) you claim that "he said

'we' were exclusive". He was NOT saying 'we' were exclusive, he was saying 'he' was being exclusive with you. You apparently never said you were exclusive with him.

 

No man of any value is going to tolerate being exclusive if the woman isn't being exclusive back.

 

It's something to keep in mind for next time. If a man says he has been exclusive with you, you better tell him you have been exclusive with him (assuming that is true). Otherwise, you will certainly get dumped or permanently demoted.

[Lovelorn00]

You are a lot closer than you seem to realize. You're all around it without quite nailing the bullseye. You probably have the fearful-avoidant attachment style and a tendency to push away and create distance to avoid the anxiety caused feeling vulnerable.

 

Everyone has to deal with feelings of vulnerability when they care deeply for someone else, and people do it in different ways. Your tendency is to push away when what you really want is to be closer and have him be more affirming. The cause is not being confident of your worthiness. The cure is self acceptance and to integrate the belief that you are worthy of being loved even though you are flawed and imperfect.

 

These are not new revelations. It's the same for everyone. But people deal with it differently depending on their attachment style and the degree that this fear/anxiety unnerves us. I think it helps to understand the theory so that we can accurately assess and monitor our emotions. In doing the you can say to yourself, hey I know what that feeling is and it's perfectly natural. I can just push through and tolerate it rather than having to react in such a way that it disrupts my relationship. Here are a couple of links that will probably help:

 

Attachment Styles in Wikipedia

Brené Brown on Vulnerabilty

 

Thanks, salparadise. I actually have the Attached book and have read a bit of Brené Brown. I think you’re right - and I actually had the opportunity to talk to my therapist today about what happened. Ultimately, we concluded that a) my fear and anxiety that the guy will leave me is bleeding over into my interactions with the guys that I date, albeit in very subtle ways. The cumulative effect is that the guys end up with a general feeling of “meh” about me. This typically happens at the 2-month mark, which is the time I usually decide that I really like someone... cue panic mode. They sense this panic and run. 2) Since I am very aware of this issue, I need to buck up and start having the conversation about it earlier on. “Hey, I’m really starting to like you, but I have a few anxiety issues when it comes to dating…” so on and so forth. I tried once with this guy, but the only words I could manage to get out of my mouth were, “Hey, I suck at this.” I wasn’t able to explain exactly what I suck at and why. The cool thing about this guy was that he was really understanding and really encouraged me to open up. If I told him I had anxiety about something, he was really reassuring. I'm just not used to that, so it takes me a while to get up the nerve to have these important conversations. Regardless, I should've talked to him about it sooner.

[Lovelorn00]

Well to be fair to the guy, LL was the one who told him he could do what he wants, that she wasn't his girlfriend. Even after knowing he was exclusively dating her.

 

Not sure what y'all expected him to do with that....but he would have to be nuts to introduce her as his gf after she said that.

 

Yep. I definitely stuck my foot in my mouth on this one.

However, I will say that, despite my stupid girlfriend comment, he told me during our conversation last night that he never really considered me a girlfriend anyway. Said it takes time for him to use that label on someone he's dating.

[katiegrl]

Yep. I definitely stuck my foot in my mouth on this one.

However, I will say that, despite my stupid girlfriend comment, he told me during our conversation last night that he never really considered me a girlfriend anyway. Said it takes time for him to use that label on someone he's dating.

 

LL... first off wanted to say I have been a little harsh with you on this thread... so my apologies. I am going through my own shyt this week .

 

Not that that is any excuse, just an explanation.

 

Second, it's good you are able to talk all this out with a good trusting qualified professional.

 

I have a good one too and it really helps.

 

Third, did he give you any reason why he was ending it?

 

Did he sense you had anxiety issues you were hiding or did he become turned off by your anxiety?

 

Just curious he if gave you any feedback at all.

[Lovelorn00]

I know this comment is too late for this relationship, but there was an even bigger problem that no one else has pointed out.

 

In the quote above, he repeatedly told you he wasn't seeing anyone else. He was expecting you to say the same back to him. Your silence was essentially taken an admission that you were seeing/banging other guys. That is why he repeated it so much and got loud.

 

And this came after you told him that you assumed he was seeing other women the first month(s?) of the relationship. The subtext there was you thought he was seeing other women, and you were banging other guys.

 

In neither case did you tell him (at least not in your posts here) that you were not banging other guys. You certainly gave the impression that you were.

 

The first sentence of the quoted post (and in other posts) you claim that "he said

'we' were exclusive". He was NOT saying 'we' were exclusive, he was saying 'he' was being exclusive with you. You apparently never said you were exclusive with him.

 

No man of any value is going to tolerate being exclusive if the woman isn't being exclusive back.

 

It's something to keep in mind for next time. If a man says he has been exclusive with you, you better tell him you have been exclusive with him (assuming that is true). Otherwise, you will certainly get dumped or permanently demoted.

 

I can totally see how that conclusion was reached, but I did definitely tell him that I wasn't seeing anyone else either. I just didn't include it in my summary of our conversation, though I should've. The first time he told me he wasn't seeing anyone else, I immediately told him I wasn't seeing anyone else either. I wanted him to know.

 

The reason he repeated himself was out of sheer frustration. He knows my trust issues, and we even had a conversation about it earlier on. His response was, “Man, I’m so sorry you’ve been through those horrible experiences. I’m not like those guys. I’ll show you.”

 

So when I foolishly assumed he was dating other girls, that was me basically throwing that (very sweet) statement out the window. I can totally see why he’d be frustrated in that situation, and that’s the general vibe he was putting out that night. He was trying to drill it into my head that he’s actually a decent dude, but I wasn’t listening. Therefore, he felt the need to repeat it.

[TXGuy]

I can totally see how that conclusion was reached, but I did definitely tell him that I wasn't seeing anyone else either. I just didn't include it in my summary of our conversation, though I should've. The first time he told me he wasn't seeing anyone else, I immediately told him I wasn't seeing anyone else either. I wanted him to know.

 

Ok. That's good to hear. At least it wasn't that.

 

I also should have couched my comment as 'he could have thought...' Without being so definitive.

[Lovelorn00]

LL, I am getting a bit annoyed with you now. lol

 

Lol You? Trust me, your level of annoyance isn’t anywhere near how annoyed I am with myself right now. I’m seriously sick of myself at this point.

 

He TOLD you he was looking for a "relationship," he was exclusively seeing you..... what more did you need? I am not understanding.

 

I’m not sure. Tons of guys can “say” they’re looking for a relationship. He told me that on the first date. I needed to see it over time in his actions. And he showed up. The last guy who told me that ghosted on me after 1.5 months of seeing each other, and that was fairly recent. I needed to be sure.

 

Yes you can be cool, go with the flow, what will be will be (I do!).... but also pay attention to what he tells you and his actions, how he is treating you .... and ask questions if you're confused.

 

Or if it's early on (first few months) and your intuition is telling you something isn't jiving or it doesn't feel right, just next him.

 

I’m not sure I can trust my intuition at this point. My intuition is being crushed and suffocated in the pit of my belly by gluttonous anxiety, gorging itself on fear. My intuition is the soft, squeaky voice that I can’t hear through the howls of my anxiety. When I think my intuition is telling me something, it’s actually my anxiety rearing its ugly head. Meds were suggested to me today by my therapist. I might look into it.

 

If you choose to stay, don't be afraid to ask the hard questions! You are walking on eggshells with these guys (not just him but all the ones before him).

 

If they screw up or do something that is hurtful (like blow you off), get mad!! You don't have to go ballistic, but don't let them get away with that crap and it's happened to you many times from what you've written in previous threads.

 

I will admit that, when this guy and I had our miscommunication about meeting up that one time, I let it be known that I was upset about it. I also didn’t mention this earlier, but after the “friend” incident, I made a joke about it in front of the friend who asked. Everyone thought it was funny (including my guy), but it still got my point across that I was irritated. All that to say, I’m not a total doormat, but I DO need to learn to communicate better.

[katiegrl]

LL, just wanted to make sure you read my post # 66.

[doyathinkso]

You know what I think? You're better off without this guy.

 

Don't sell yourself short, especially to some goof who just wants to use you.

 

Don't fret. One day you'll look up and ... son of a gun .... there he'll be ... the right man. It does happen.

[Lovelorn00]

LL... first off wanted to say I have been a little harsh with you on this thread... so my apologies. I am going through my own shyt this week .

 

I don't think you're being harsh. Everything that you're saying is totally true. Of all the dudes I've dated, THIS one is completely on ME - no excuses. I'm taking full ownership for mucking this one up. I deserve whatever harsh criticism I get.

 

I'm really sorry that you're going through your own shyt. I've been meaning to check out the recent threads of those who have posted on mine (I'm really bad about that), but I haven't had a chance to. I only come here when I'm in the throes of deep emotional turmoil, and I can't seem to look past my own problems/issues. It makes me sad that you're going through stuff too, though. I hope we both find our way through.

 

Not that that is any excuse, just an explanation.

 

Second, it's good you are able to talk all this out with a good trusting qualified professional.

 

I have a good one too and it really helps.

 

Third, did he give you any reason why he was ending it?

 

Did he sense you had anxiety issues you were hiding or did he become turned off by your anxiety?

 

Just curious he if gave you any feedback at all.

 

He actually gave me a lot of feedback. We talked for almost two hours. I told him that this happens to me often and that I wanted to give him an exit survey. Lol He cited "just not feeling it" as his major reason, and it's a reason I've heard many times before. This was my first indication that he was picking up on a vibe (fear, anxiety). Dudes are generally terrible at describing vibes. They just know that they don't feel all that great when they're hanging around me.

 

Later in the conversation, he said that he wished I opened up more, and I took this to mean both physically and emotionally. I might've mentioned earlier in the thread, but this guy is extremely touchy feely. I'm not. We are on opposite ends of the spectrum, and my lack of affection has caused issues before. I grew up in a household without a dad, so I was never exposed to a man and a woman being affectionate to each other. However, it's something that I know I need to work on, because touch is extremely important when forming bonds with someone. This guy always had his arm around me. Always wanted to hold my hand. Always wanted to kiss. When we're out with his friends, he always found some way to touch me, even if it was just a finger on my leg. I told him up front that this was different for me, but that I was willing to work on it, and I did. I just don't usually open up the affection floodgates until I'm really, really into someone. Towards the end, I felt like I was getting really close to matching his level of affection, but it was too late. I guess I wasn't coming around fast enough for him. After explaining my anxiety issues and whatnot, he almost considered the possibility that he might've been jumping the gun on ending it. Ultimately, though, his mind was made up.

 

Emotionally, I think the fact that I wouldn't just accept that he was a good guy bothered him, and I get it. It's exhausting to constantly have to reassure someone. I don't think he liked my self-deprecating humor either and saw it as a thinly-veiled attempt at reassurance. Even when I was clearly making a joke at my own expense, he would respond with an exasperated sigh and shake his head. "You're great. Stop saying that." Or something along those lines.

 

Our whole (short) dating history absolutely reeks of insecurity on my end. Moreso than any other guy I've dated, because I usually attempt to hide it. He encouraged me to open up and be myself, and I mistakenly thought that meant putting all of my insecurities on display. My bad. Too soon. I know that now.

 

This is why, for me, the advice to "just be yourself" doesn't work. My "self" is a neurotic, insecure little girl riddled with anxiety. After years of self-work, nothing has changed, and this experience has shown me that. So now I must seriously consider the possibility that I'm simply undateable and raise my white flag (for real this time).

[Lovelorn00]

You know what I think? You're better off without this guy.

 

Don't sell yourself short, especially to some goof who just wants to use you.

 

Don't fret. One day you'll look up and ... son of a gun .... there he'll be ... the right man. It does happen.

 

Thanks, doyathinkso. How do you think he was using me? I saw him as a pretty great guy.

[katiegrl]

 

I'm really sorry that you're going through your own shyt. I've been meaning to check out the recent threads of those who have posted on mine (I'm really bad about that), but I haven't had a chance to. I only come here when I'm in the throes of deep emotional turmoil, and I can't seem to look past my own problems/issues. It makes me sad that you're going through stuff too, though. I hope we both find our way through.

 

 

 

Thanks girlfriend! My **** isn't so much related to dating though... although I am finding that a bit discouraging too at the moment.

 

Dating has changed so much since last I had to do this.... but I'm pretty resilient so I just plow through and carry on.

[katiegrl]

He actually gave me a lot of feedback. We talked for almost two hours. I told him that this happens to me often and that I wanted to give him an exit survey. Lol He cited "just not feeling it" as his major reason, and it's a reason I've heard many times before. This was my first indication that he was picking up on a vibe (fear, anxiety). Dudes are generally terrible at describing vibes. They just know that they don't feel all that great when they're hanging around me.

 

Later in the conversation, he said that he wished I opened up more, and I took this to mean both physically and emotionally. I might've mentioned earlier in the thread, but this guy is extremely touchy feely. I'm not. We are on opposite ends of the spectrum, and my lack of affection has caused issues before. I grew up in a household without a dad, so I was never exposed to a man and a woman being affectionate to each other. However, it's something that I know I need to work on, because touch is extremely important when forming bonds with someone. This guy always had his arm around me. Always wanted to hold my hand. Always wanted to kiss. When we're out with his friends, he always found some way to touch me, even if it was just a finger on my leg. I told him up front that this was different for me, but that I was willing to work on it, and I did. I just don't usually open up the affection floodgates until I'm really, really into someone. Towards the end, I felt like I was getting really close to matching his level of affection, but it was too late. I guess I wasn't coming around fast enough for him. After explaining my anxiety issues and whatnot, he almost considered the possibility that he might've been jumping the gun on ending it. Ultimately, though, his mind was made up.

 

Emotionally, I think the fact that I wouldn't just accept that he was a good guy bothered him, and I get it. It's exhausting to constantly have to reassure someone. I don't think he liked my self-deprecating humor either and saw it as a thinly-veiled attempt at reassurance. Even when I was clearly making a joke at my own expense, he would respond with an exasperated sigh and shake his head. "You're great. Stop saying that." Or something along those lines.

 

Our whole (short) dating history absolutely reeks of insecurity on my end. Moreso than any other guy I've dated, because I usually attempt to hide it. He encouraged me to open up and be myself, and I mistakenly thought that meant putting all of my insecurities on display. My bad. Too soon. I know that now.

 

This is why, for me, the advice to "just be yourself" doesn't work. My "self" is a neurotic, insecure little girl riddled with anxiety. After years of self-work, nothing has changed, and this experience has shown me that. So now I must seriously consider the possibility that I'm simply undateable and raise my white flag (for real this time).

 

Wow that is some pretty great feedback! Good for you that he was able to be so honest with you .... and you so gracious in receiving it!

 

I can only imagine that hearing that someone we like just isn't feeling it is a hard pill to swallow.... ouch!

 

He sounds very in touch with his feelings and what he wants/needs too which is rare.

 

Never think you are "undateable" LL. You are only what, 32? You have many years ahead.

 

Continue with your therapy if it's helping and try to work through the anxiety.

 

I used to suffer from bad anxiety too.... which I manage now through running, yoga and healthy eating.

 

It really helps!!!

Edited September 2, 2016 by katiegrl