Lovelorn00 Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 So. Apparently, we’re “just friends”. Or at least that’s what he told his friend when he introduced me. Him: Hey, this is Rebecca! [name has been changed to protect the innocent] Friend: Oh, hi! Is Rebecca a friend or your girlfriend?? Him: Um… um… Rebecca is a friend. Ouch. I know, I know… this is totally my bad. I made the mistake of thinking that we were something more due to the following: · We’ve been seeing each other for two months · I’ve met a large portion of his friends, including his best friends (he invites me almost everywhere) · I’ve met many of his co-workers at various events he’s invited me to · He claims he’s mentioned me to his mother · We see each other consistently – a few times every week, sometimes more · Almost every time we see each other, it’s a sleepover · He’s told me straight-up that he’s not seeing anyone else and actually got mad at me when I told him I assumed that he was. He said that when he dates someone, he likes to focus only on that person. I should’ve known better. I read enough blogs and books to know that if a dude isn’t calling you his girlfriend, you’re not his girlfriend. I also know that just because he treats me like a girlfriend, I’m not his girlfriend. This is the kind of confusing sh** that makes dating suck so hard. I mean, he cooked me dinner, for crying out loud. I don’t do that for my friends. I also don’t make out with my friends or sleep in their beds on a consistent basis. I would say that I’m shocked, but I kinda saw it coming. As usual, he’s starting to lose interest and pull the slow fade. It’s like clockwork… literally. I can almost set a watch to it. It happens precisely at the two-month mark EVERY. SINGLE. TIME, and it’s usually right around the time I start to really like them. I guess they can sense that I’m getting excited about them and that causes them to run away? I have no idea. Why do guys do this? Why is it so important to them to avoid labeling someone a girlfriend when it appears that she is in every other way?
CarrieT Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 Time to pull back - especially on the sleepovers - and let him chase you. He'll know why and if he actually feels something for you, he will fight for you. If he doesn't you know how you really stand. 6
salparadise Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 You're attaching too much meaning to this. If you two haven't agreed to be boyfriend/girlfriend, then he may have been afraid of overstepping by saying so and not knowing if you considered that to be the case. Why don't you just say to him that you were disappointed that he said friend and not girlfriend. I don't think this is indicative of how he feels about you. 4
preraph Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 So. Apparently, we’re “just friends”. Or at least that’s what he told his friend when he introduced me. Him: Hey, this is Rebecca! [name has been changed to protect the innocent] Friend: Oh, hi! Is Rebecca a friend or your girlfriend?? Him: Um… um… Rebecca is a friend. Ouch. I know, I know… this is totally my bad. I made the mistake of thinking that we were something more due to the following: · We’ve been seeing each other for two months · I’ve met a large portion of his friends, including his best friends (he invites me almost everywhere) · I’ve met many of his co-workers at various events he’s invited me to · He claims he’s mentioned me to his mother · We see each other consistently – a few times every week, sometimes more · Almost every time we see each other, it’s a sleepover · He’s told me straight-up that he’s not seeing anyone else and actually got mad at me when I told him I assumed that he was. He said that when he dates someone, he likes to focus only on that person. I should’ve known better. I read enough blogs and books to know that if a dude isn’t calling you his girlfriend, you’re not his girlfriend. I also know that just because he treats me like a girlfriend, I’m not his girlfriend. This is the kind of confusing sh** that makes dating suck so hard. I mean, he cooked me dinner, for crying out loud. I don’t do that for my friends. I also don’t make out with my friends or sleep in their beds on a consistent basis. I would say that I’m shocked, but I kinda saw it coming. As usual, he’s starting to lose interest and pull the slow fade. It’s like clockwork… literally. I can almost set a watch to it. It happens precisely at the two-month mark EVERY. SINGLE. TIME, and it’s usually right around the time I start to really like them. I guess they can sense that I’m getting excited about them and that causes them to run away? I have no idea. Why do guys do this? Why is it so important to them to avoid labeling someone a girlfriend when it appears that she is in every other way? Yep, that's it. That's when they know they're going to have to give up having sex with you or you will think you're the one they are going to marry, and then you get the "Got to end it because I don't want to hurt you," as if ending it isn't already hurting you, as if it's not supposed to hurt you as long as they discard you after leading you on for two months so they can have regular sex and pretending it's going somewhere. He may really like you but for one particular ideal feature in his head, not consider you "the one." You're the one who ought to do not the slow fade but the fast fade after he called you "just a friend" out loud right in front of you when the other option given to choose from was "a girlfriend." I mean, he could have at least said "A girlfriend" or "the woman I'm seeing" or "we've been seeing each other," but nooooo, he washed his hands of you in front of this friend and I bet at the bottom of it is that friend knows some girl he's hoping to get with who probably doesn't give two hoots about him. 5
TXGuy Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 It seems like it would be presumptuous of him if he called you his girlfriend if you two had not discussed it and agreed that you were bf/Gf. Had you discussed it beforehand? Did you discuss it after? 7
sunshine2 Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 Uggh this happened to me too. I had a job working from home, but went to visit the company I worked for to meet the team. My then BF decided he would like to go with me since his brother lived there. He basically invited himself. So we go on a mini work/fun trip and actually had a great time together. BUT...we were on our way back to the airport when he received a call from a guy. He told him he was on vacation with a "friend" and introduced himself to a coworker as my friend too. It killed me! I was like wth, we were not just friends, but I guess thats how he felt. He turned out to be the worst BF I ever had, so that should of been my clue to exit the relationship.
katiegrl Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 LL, I am majorly confused. In your previous thread about this guy (a few weeks ago) you said HE was pulling the slow fade on you... he even completely blew you off at one point! Which should have been a dealbreaker right there, but whatevs, you chose to continue on. So why would you be surprised now that he's referring to you as just a friend? Why didn't you pull the fast fade on him a few weeks ago like we all advised? Why do you choose to remain in such hurtful situations with these guys? We all warned you but apparently you didn't listen... and now look what happened. I don't get it. 2
katiegrl Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 It seems like it would be presumptuous of him if he called you his girlfriend if you two had not discussed it and agreed that you were bf/Gf. Had you discussed it beforehand? Did you discuss it after? TXGuy, you make a fair point, but what he did say: "Um… um… Rebecca is a friend." Ouch, that was cold. As preraph said, he could have phrased it any other number of ways. "A girlfriend" or "the woman I'm seeing" or "we've been seeing each other." But no he chose to say "Rebecca is a friend." Again, cold. 1
Shining One Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 It seems like it would be presumptuous of him if he called you his girlfriend if you two had not discussed it and agreed that you were bf/Gf. Had you discussed it beforehand? Did you discuss it after?This was my thought as well. I've been burned in the past for "pre-labelling" a woman as girlfriend when introducing her. I never use it now until we've talked and agreed we are boyfriend/girlfriend. 3
katiegrl Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 (edited) Him: Hey, this is Rebecca! [name has been changed to protect the innocent] Friend: Oh, hi! Is Rebecca a friend or your girlfriend?? Him: Um… um… Rebecca is a friend. I just wanted to add that the friend asking him that question right in front of you was extremely tacky. He should have asked him in private. I mean, you're dating for two months, spending all this time together, having sex, meeting friends, etc etc etc etc.... which would certainly indicate you are more than 'friends'.... and as such, he should have known that saying what he did would be at least somewhat hurtful to you, geez. Regardless of whether you discussed it beforehand or not. Really insensitive IMO. Then again, perhaps he phrased it that way intentionally.... as some sort of covert message letting you know he's not, and probably never will be, serious with you. Who knows. LL, please just walk away from this guy. Between your last thread and this, you deserve better. Edited August 31, 2016 by katiegrl 1
Author Lovelorn00 Posted August 31, 2016 Author Posted August 31, 2016 It seems like it would be presumptuous of him if he called you his girlfriend if you two had not discussed it and agreed that you were bf/Gf. Had you discussed it beforehand? Did you discuss it after? No, we didn't discuss it after, but it has been brought up before. I’ll be honest here… I’ve made offhand comments before, proclaiming that I’m not his girlfriend, usually in a joking kind of way. I’ve done it twice, and the conversation goes something along the lines of: Me: Wow, your phone is really blowing up! Must be all those dating apps. Haha Him: No, take a look. It’s just my buddy Tom. Here, look. Me: I’m just kidding. You do whatever you want. I’m not your girlfriend. Him: [silence] I know I’m going to get blasted big time here for saying those things, and I honestly don’t know why crap like that comes out of my mouth during my interactions with him. To be fair, he’s made the same types of jokes with me before, but I'm definitely the one who started it. Maybe since I’ve actually said out loud twice that I’m not his girlfriend, he doesn’t think I want to be?
Author Lovelorn00 Posted August 31, 2016 Author Posted August 31, 2016 Uggh this happened to me too. I had a job working from home, but went to visit the company I worked for to meet the team. My then BF decided he would like to go with me since his brother lived there. He basically invited himself. So we go on a mini work/fun trip and actually had a great time together. BUT...we were on our way back to the airport when he received a call from a guy. He told him he was on vacation with a "friend" and introduced himself to a coworker as my friend too. It killed me! I was like wth, we were not just friends, but I guess thats how he felt. He turned out to be the worst BF I ever had, so that should of been my clue to exit the relationship. Ugh. It really stings, doesn't it?
katiegrl Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 No, we didn't discuss it after, but it has been brought up before. I’ll be honest here… I’ve made offhand comments before, proclaiming that I’m not his girlfriend, usually in a joking kind of way. I’ve done it twice, and the conversation goes something along the lines of: Me: Wow, your phone is really blowing up! Must be all those dating apps. Haha Him: No, take a look. It’s just my buddy Tom. Here, look. Me: I’m just kidding. You do whatever you want. I’m not your girlfriend. Him: [silence] Oh good gawd well this certainly puts a different spin on things, doesn't it. I'm sorry but I am out.... best of luck LL, I hope you can figure this all out one day. 2
Author Lovelorn00 Posted August 31, 2016 Author Posted August 31, 2016 LL, I am majorly confused. In your previous thread about this guy (a few weeks ago) you said HE was pulling the slow fade on you... he even completely blew you off at one point! Which should have been a dealbreaker right there, but whatevs, you chose to continue on. So why would you be surprised now that he's referring to you as just a friend? Why didn't you pull the fast fade on him a few weeks ago like we all advised? Why do you choose to remain in such hurtful situations with these guys? We all warned you but apparently you didn't listen... and now look what happened. I don't get it. He didn't completely blow me off. We ended up talking about what happened, and he apologized profusely. We came to the conclusion that there was a miscommunication when it came to making our plans for that night. I actually told him that I assumed he was on another date, and he told me he wasn't - that he usually doesn't look at his phone that much when he's hanging out with friends. I've witnessed this to be true. He has since invited me to every other event/hangout he's had since then, though I haven't been able to make all of them, because I've tried to stay busy in my own life, doing the things I enjoy. Either way, I can sense the pullback from him. Not necessarily during the time we spend together, but he doesn't contact me as much anymore.
Author Lovelorn00 Posted August 31, 2016 Author Posted August 31, 2016 TXGuy, you make a fair point, but what he did say: "Um… um… Rebecca is a friend." Ouch, that was cold. As preraph said, he could have phrased it any other number of ways. "A girlfriend" or "the woman I'm seeing" or "we've been seeing each other." But no he chose to say "Rebecca is a friend." Again, cold. Yes, it was cold. One of my girlfriends even suggested a response like, “Rebecca is awesome. That’s what Rebecca is.”
Author Lovelorn00 Posted August 31, 2016 Author Posted August 31, 2016 I just wanted to add that the friend asking him that question right in front of you was extremely tacky. Yeah, we were both really shocked when he said it. Like, really? THAT's the first thing you're going to ask when you meet someone? He later told me that this guy had a habit of being kind of a jerk sometimes, and I can totally see it. I think he gets a kick out of making people uncomfortable. Mission accomplished.
CarrieT Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 Lovelorn, between these two comments: We came to the conclusion that there was a miscommunication when it came to making our plans for that night. I actually told him that I assumed he was on another date, and he told me he wasn't - that he usually doesn't look at his phone that much when he's hanging out with friends. and: Me: Wow, your phone is really blowing up! Must be all those dating apps. Haha It shows you to be extremely insecure that passive aggressive. Either way, I can sense the pullback from him. Not necessarily during the time we spend together, but he doesn't contact me as much anymore. I don't blame him. You were so anxious to label the relationship, that you threw out those comments about him dating others. This is very unattractive in a relationship and would force him to pull back. You couldn't accept what you had without forcing him to define it... 5
katiegrl Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 Yes, it was cold. One of my girlfriends even suggested a response like, “Rebecca is awesome. That’s what Rebecca is.” I said I was out, but felt compelled to respond to this. I take that previous message (about the comment being cold) back. What did you expect? YOU were the one who deemed yourself NOT his girlfriend, NOT him. He was just following your lead and responding in kind. And no offense but I don't blame him for pulling back. You send a lot of mixed messages... which probably confuses the heck out of him and the other men you date, and which they consider game playing on your part. I would if they did that to me. If you want to be his 'girlfriend' then for the love of all things beautiful, tell him or discuss it. DON'T be saying "I’m just kidding. You do whatever you want. I’m not your girlfriend." That's game playing and silly. 3
Author Lovelorn00 Posted August 31, 2016 Author Posted August 31, 2016 Oh good gawd well this certainly puts a different spin on things, doesn't it. I'm sorry but I am out.... best of luck LL, I hope you can figure this all out one day. Ha! Fair enough. Curious.. have you?
Author Lovelorn00 Posted August 31, 2016 Author Posted August 31, 2016 Lovelorn, between these two comments: and: It shows you to be extremely insecure that passive aggressive. I don't blame him. You were so anxious to label the relationship, that you threw out those comments about him dating others. This is very unattractive in a relationship and would force him to pull back. You couldn't accept what you had without forcing him to define it... I ALWAYS assume that the guys I'm seeing are seeing other people until we talk about exclusivity. It's not something I should say out loud, but I can be blunt like that sometimes. The comments about him dating others came immediately after I said I assumed he was on another date.
katiegrl Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 Ha! Fair enough. Curious.. have you? No but I don't play games LL. I am honest, straight and REAL with the men I date. They, on the other hand, play a lot of games with me (at least the ones I have dated after my breakup) which is a turn off and causes me NEXT them.
Author Lovelorn00 Posted August 31, 2016 Author Posted August 31, 2016 If you want to be his 'girlfriend' then for the love of all things beautiful, tell him or discuss it. How, exactly, do you tell a guy that you want to be his girlfriend without him running away? I've always heard that's a big no-no in the dating world. 1
katiegrl Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 How, exactly, do you tell a guy that you want to be his girlfriend without him running away? I've always heard that's a big no-no in the dating world. You discuss your feelings about it with him and if he runs away.... SO BE IT! And good riddance. And for the record, I have never even had to discuss this in any of my long term relationships. In time, it was just a given we were bf/gf. I have never had a guy run away when I have called myself his girlfriend. And if he did, then again, good riddance. 5
katiegrl Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 My guess is, with all the time you were spending together, him introducing you to friends and family, this guy already considered you his girlfriend, BEFORE you made your off-handed remark about "you can do whatever you want, I am not your girlfriend." You just sent him a VERY strong message there. And not a very good one either.
GemmaUK Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 No, we didn't discuss it after, but it has been brought up before. I’ll be honest here… I’ve made offhand comments before, proclaiming that I’m not his girlfriend, usually in a joking kind of way. I’ve done it twice, and the conversation goes something along the lines of: Me: Wow, your phone is really blowing up! Must be all those dating apps. Haha Him: No, take a look. It’s just my buddy Tom. Here, look. Me: I’m just kidding. You do whatever you want. I’m not your girlfriend. Him: [silence] I know I’m going to get blasted big time here for saying those things, and I honestly don’t know why crap like that comes out of my mouth during my interactions with him. To be fair, he’s made the same types of jokes with me before, but I'm definitely the one who started it. Maybe since I’ve actually said out loud twice that I’m not his girlfriend, he doesn’t think I want to be? Oh good grief!! Take responsibility for things you said and stop sulking over the consequences! It's ridiculous! Do him a favour and quit this. 1
Recommended Posts