Ady1974 Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 I need some help, guidance and impartiality please. Women are so confusing. I had a long term relationship end very badly some years ago and it took me a very long time to get over the girl. I had since resigned myself to the fact that I would be alone and single for the rest of my life and then I (42) met a stunning girl. She (33) lived about an hour drive from me and is 9 years younger than I am, but we just seemed to click from day one and she really just got me. Things were so awkward in the beginning between us physically; it took me a while to get the guts to kiss her. I know it was me. I hadn’t been with anyone for a long time and being with another woman, just made me nervous, but we got through it. We chatted all day, every day to the point where my cell phone battery wouldn’t last a full day. She became my first and last thought every day. We got to a point of being intimate and all was well. She started calling me love and baby and was always affectionate when we were together both in public and alone. She spoke one day about how our living arrangements would work out down the line. We progressed from texting to phoning each other every day and all seemed to be going well. I had to travel away for business for a few days and while I was away everything was normal but it got to a point where I could feel her pulling away from me. She became distant and didn’t talk to me in the same way. I spoke to her on a Monday morning and she said she doesn’t know what my plans for the future are. I saw her again on that Wednesday and she ended it with me. We ended it amicably and I know she cares for me. I put my cards on the table and told her I was developing feelings for her and that I would like to build a relationship with her in the future. From what I understood from past conversation we were on the same page. We were still planning weekends away up until the day before (Tuesday). She said she just doesn’t feel the spark between us anymore and said her best friend had told her the same thing. That she doesn’t see an excitement in her like in her previous relationships. She mentioned a previous relationship that was exciting, but I don’t know what she means by exciting. None the less that relationship ended in court with her ex owing her alot of money. This was one of the things she liked about me. I’m not clingy and I didn’t need to know where she was or who she was with every minute of the day. I would try and not bother her when she was at work. She works in hospitality and is dealing with people all day, but she would contact me and we would chat if she had a quiet moment. She would from time to time say she is going to travel with friends or her father. I don’t know if this was a ploy to get a reaction out of me because her planned trips away would never materialise. I asked her if there was anyone else and she said there isn’t. I know she has been hurt before. I feel that if I didn’t press the issue we would have carried on with whatever it was we had. When I would bring up feelings she would say she is happy with things the way they were. Did I pressure her when I mentioned feelings? Was she still mixed up with her feelings about me? Did I chase her away or scare her off? I asked if we could still be friends going forward and she agreed. Maybe I am wrong, but when I am heeled I would like to keep in contact with her. I felt a special connection with her that I haven’t felt with many other women and I don’t want to lose that. Perhaps we are just at different points in life at the moment. This has been the second time I have been through NC, but this time it just feels much much worse. I can’t get this girl out of my head. We have been apart for 22 days now. I initiated NC the next day after she broke it off. She sent me a FB message the following day and a text message two days later to find out how I am. I was polite, but I said I need some time and she has respected that and not contacted me since. I have come very close to reaching out, but I just know it will make me feel even worse again and undo all the work I have accomplished in the last 3 weeks. I have deleted her off my phone, deleted pics etc. I still check my phone and e-mail for a message from time to time, an old habit I suppose, I still think about her, I still want to be with her, I still want her in my life, I still want to love her, BUT she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me now and that’s the hard part that I have to get over. Her birthday is a few weeks away. That will be 44 days into my NC and I was thinking about reaching out then, depending on how I feel. Would I be silly trying to pursue something with her down the line when I have heeled after NC? Why would she go from hot to cold so quickly? After all the contact we had to NC, does she miss me and think of me to?
preraph Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 Just email her a happy birthday. I'm sorry. It just sounds like she started off excited about the relationship and then lost the spark. Don't beat yourself up about it. Some people go in feet first and burn out quickly (me) and others like you take a little more time to wade in. She was simply through before you really got started, sounds like. Different people.
marky00 Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 Im about 25 days NC as well. But in my case, it was more case of trying to re-kindle with an ex that obviously failed as like 25 days ago or so, she just disappeared. Personally, if someone breaks up with you, I'm not keen on the idea of sending them Bday wishes. They might send u one which is normally just a guilt thing, i.e. pretend they care. If you think about it, if u don't send a bday wish, you are probably more likely to get a gauge on how she feels than if u do send a wish. E.g. You: Happy Bday: Her: Thanks or You: Nothing Her: Its my birthday u know? A simple thanks or no response to you wishing happy bday gives u little or no knowledge of her feelings (if any). So yeh, ironically not sending the bday wish probably is more likely to give you a better idea as to whether she cares at all.
aloneinaz Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 You'll probably never know exactly why she chose to end it with you. There's no need to do mental gymnastics trying to "figure it out" either. The important thing to understand is she didn't feel it and ended the R/S. We've all ended R/S's in our lives and we learn from them what we can. In your case, keep your pride and self esteem. There's NO REASON to ever contact her again. You contacting her at all will only stroke her ego. She didn't want you in her life any longer so why on earth would you wish her a happy birthday? Don't contact her again. You also should go strict NC and block her on FB and anywhere else. She wanted you gone from her life so give it to her. You need to worry about you and not give a flying hoot what this ex thinks again. NC and out of sight, out of mind will help you heal from this the quickest. Once you're feeling better, get back on the horse and stick your toes back into the dating pool. My Momma always said you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your princess. How right she was.
buddy825 Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 You need to continue the course and work on being busy. Contacting her will not be a benefit to you. Really, do you think if you contact her she may respond by dancing around thanking the stars you called? Nope. You want certain things from a relationship and that person decided to change the dynamics. It doesn't work for you so you need to let it go. It is hard but you will be glad in the end that you stayed the course. If she really misses you she will contact you but don't sit by the phone. One more thing, if you do get a message from her like a birthday or holiday wish please don't go into they want me back mode. It is best to reply with a short "thank you" and leave it at that. They dumped you and any hard lifting on rekindling a relationship is on them not you. Stay strong.
Author Ady1974 Posted September 1, 2016 Author Posted September 1, 2016 Thank you all for your replies and putting things into perspective for me. I am starting to realise that some things just aren't meant to be, not matter how much you want them to work out, they just wont.
mg4514 Posted September 3, 2016 Posted September 3, 2016 You'll be fine. This is all a process that you have to go through. I'm 11 mos. NC, and I STILL have bad days. But as time goes by, things get a little bit easier. You have to seriously commit yourself. You'll have weak days. You'll bargain with yourself. Some days you'll have soul crushing emotions. ITS NORMAL. Women aren't like men, period. You'll want answers, you'll want to apply logic as to why the break up happened. You'll never get those answers, or be satisfied. Just accept that she changed her mind, pick up the pieces, and be patient. Fight the urge to bargain or reestablish contact. And DO NOT fall for the vreadcrumbs, they are sure to happen.
aloneinaz Posted September 3, 2016 Posted September 3, 2016 (edited) I am struggling today Then get ANGRY at yourself my friend. Why long for someone who doesn't want you in their life? F-that. Understand that EVERYONE has the right to end a R/S and most people have or will in their life time. It's life. Hell, even rich, beautiful celebrities get dumped. You need to reach the anger stage which you will quickly if you stay NC. You mind needs to go to "you don't want me in your life, you got it".. Then vanish from hers. Personally, many folks get there and rationalize that getting dumped is part of life. Pick yourself up and dust yourself off. Stay NC. Delete or get rid of her pictures or anything else that reminds you of her. "Cleanse your place". That does help. Instead of your mind wondering to this ex, let it wander to your future. Just think, right now, your next great significant other is out there waiting to meet you. What does she look like? What's her personality like? Where will you take her? Have positive self dialogue with yourself. There's a lot of truth in "this too shall pass". You're breaking an addiction. It's going to take a month to feel really better if you stay NC. Each day after that get's easier and easier. Edited September 3, 2016 by aloneinaz 2
Author Ady1974 Posted September 4, 2016 Author Posted September 4, 2016 You guys all rock! Thank you for the pep talk. It is nice getting things into perspective from people that are impartial but understand what i'm going through.
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