Can't understand distant girlfriend

[Milu]

Wall of text, beware.

 

My gf almost never initiates anything and when we're with friends, she gets downright cold and distant.

When we're alone she almost never hugs or kisses me, only very rarely. When we're with friends she doesn't even stay next to me again, only very rarely.

 

I like to kiss and hug her a lot though, and she told me she loves to be kissed and hugged a lot. It's just weird for me because I always grab her, kiss her, hug her tightly but she almost never responds to any of that. She just lets herself be hugged and kissed like a sack of cloth.

 

A relationship takes 2 people and I feel like I'm putting too much emotion and effort and she doesn't respond.

 

Thing is, I'm falling for this girl. When she does show affection, it's so sweet and nice it blots out everything else. I'm usually aloof and disconnected from everyone else but barely a month with her, I already want to be with her.

 

Now here comes the bad part:

 

I got denied dinner today. Yesterday she herself suggested we go out to her favourite restaurant and get dinner.

Today she told me whether it's ok if she can't come today with me.

 

Like ****ing usual. She's done this for the past 2 weeks, ever since her accident. She told me she needs to meet with her boss for health vacation, then solve some stuff at work and she has many things to do today and can't come.

 

I got kinda angry and straight out asked her via text if she even enjoys spending time with me. **** all pretends, **** all social demands. I needed to ask her and I couldn't wait any longer.

 

I straight up told her she's been acting cold, refused invitations for drinks or dinner and I asked what the problem is.

 

She immediately went "oh nooo, I feel so bad now, please. Everything is fine, more than fine. It's just my injury and illness and job and all that"

 

I can understand that and I told her that, just that I feel like **** when she keeps refusing me. She insisted that everything is ok and it's just the inconvenience of her injuries and job.

 

Did I do right to confront her about this situation and stop being outright refused and ****ted on? I told her I'm not mad and I understand her situation, but I feel very bad for being always refused, her being so distant towards me, never showing any affection.

 

I feel better now but I feel like this ain't going anywhere until we find a good spot to just sit and talk about it in person.

And since she always ****ing refuses to go out with me, I had no other choice but tell her via text.

 

We talked and agreed from the start to be chill with one another, treat one another as we would like to be treated, always tell one another if something is not right.

I know that if I was in her situation, I would have wanted someone to take care of me as I take care of her.

 

And the thing is, I overheard her yesterday when she talked with a friend of her, told her they should meet. A girl friend, not a guy.

I didn't say anything and waited until today, ask her about her plans knowing full well she told me we should dine together, then her friend they should meet up.

 

And when she told me she has to go here and there and can't come and dine with me, I immediately got angry. I believe I'm in the right to be when she kept refusing me everything left and right.

 

She said she's glad I told her what's bothering me and I said I think it's fair to speak our minds.

No bye, no layers, no see ya, nothing else.

 

Now she came back to me herself a few minutes ago:

 

- :*

- what's up babe

- Getting ready to meet with my boss. You? Hanging in there?

- nah, it's boring at work today. Eating right now

- have a good meal :*

- going out so I don't fall asleep. Thanks. Write me when you're done with your boss

- yep:*

- :* layers

- oki :*

 

At this point should I ever bother to mention my freakout again? Should I apologise to her for being an ass earlier? Or should I let it slide like it never happened?

[bummer]

Buddy, really bad news. Based on your description I'd bet my dollar she's pulling away. Could be any number of reasons but the fall out will be straight forward regardless. In the next few weeks it will rollercoaster until it derails "out of the blue" and you're left picking up your heart from the dirt.

 

Best move, depending on how long you've been dating, is to pull back sharply. Let her initiate everything. If she doesn't, you have your answer.

 

Do not fall any harder for this unrequited love.

[Milu]

Hmm, I didn't mention it but she warned me from the start she's a little tomboyish, not at all lovey dovey, she doesn't like romantic stuff and she's straightforward.

 

Again, she insisted through the last texts that it's just her issues with injuries and illness + the fact that she's not lovey dovey at all, and there's no issue between us.

 

She called me today to tell me what's what with her health vacation and we talked pretty normally.

 

I will give her the benefit of the doubt. She's injured, she's ill, she can't sleep at all throughout the night and she's stressed about the job. She told me once she heals we'll do everything we want.

 

But I swear to god, if this cold and distant behaviour has not changed once she's back in shape, I'm out.

I don't have enough energy and will to crawl through ****.

[Gaeta]

Wall of text, beware.

 

My gf almost never initiates anything and when we're with friends, she gets downright cold and distant.

When we're alone she almost never hugs or kisses me, only very rarely. When we're with friends she doesn't even stay next to me again, only very rarely.

 

I like to kiss and hug her a lot though, and she told me she loves to be kissed and hugged a lot. It's just weird for me because I always grab her, kiss her, hug her tightly but she almost never responds to any of that. She just lets herself be hugged and kissed like a sack of cloth.

 

A relationship takes 2 people and I feel like I'm putting too much emotion and effort and she doesn't respond.

 

 

 

There is your own answer.

 

Dating is about finding someone we are compatible with and we both enhance each others life.

 

You and this girl are not compatible.

 

She isn't the affectionate type and you are finding yourself in a state of craving. It's not meant to be that way and you should not remain in a relationship keeping you craving for attention and affection.

 

You both are who you are, there is no compromising here, you are different at the core it's not like asking someone to quit putting their feet on your coffee table.

 

Time to move on.

[ExpatInItaly]

How long ago did she have this accident, and what happened?

 

This is something she herself has referenced, so it would be helpful to have more details that might give context to her current actions.

 

You said it's only been a month, so you may in fact just be seeing who she really is. You are naturally affectionate, while she might not be. This would be an incompatibility, if it bothers you. If she continues to refuse dates, I would say she's just lost interest.

[Milu]

About 2 weeks ago she had a bike accident in which she fractured her right elbow and shoulder. Before that, we had a vacation to the sea, we slept on the beach, we danced, it was awesome.

Anyway since the accident and since the vacation, she got very sick. Coughing, fever, can't sleep, right hand is bound, can't work. She also loves her job and was stressed about it.

 

And she herself told me at the beginning she's not lovey dovey and won't show much affection usually.

 

This is the main reason I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt still. She might simply be sick and I might have been too forward. The only reasons she ever used to refuse to come out with me were related to her injuries, lack of sleep and illness.

 

I'm wary. I've never known a girl I could fully trust before. I can't tell her that of course.

 

Anyway.... I took a decision. I'll wait until she has fully recovered, see how we fit then.

I've always known her as a fun loving girl, that's why I'm so distressed.

If she's distant and cold even weeks after recovery, then it's obvious **** don't work.

We planned to go to the gym together before her accident. We still want to go after the recovery.

 

What do you guys think?

[Gaeta]

And she herself told me at the beginning she's not lovey dovey and won't show much affection usually.

 

She told you straight out she is not the lovey dovey affection type of girl and there you are wanting to wait weeks to see if she will become 'affectionate".

 

I think you have an hearing problem.

[ExpatInItaly]

I would say to cut her a little slack for now, given her circumstances.

 

But keep in mind she told you she's not affectionate. So, don't expect that to change much.

 

In the meantime, I think you need to calm down a little. You seem to assume the worst of her and you've only been dating a month. You're still getting to know her. See how things go once she's feeling better.

[smackie9]

IMO you being childish, having temper tantrums. You cannot force someone to be something they are not. She is an unaffectionate cold person and she isn't going to be anything else. You need to mature up and realize that there is a thing call incompatibility....

 

Just because you are falling for her does NOT earn you the right to have her be passionate towards you. Face the reality, she is not the one for you.

 

Get a grip man and go find yourself a lovey lovely affectionate girl.

[preraph]

She sounds odd. You're not giving her money, are you? She sounds like someone who's doing the bare minimum to get money from a sucker. Hope that's not you.

[Milu]

How do I talk with my girlfriend about sex? How do I not drop spaghetti?

 

Yesterday I asked her to leave her hair unbound because she has awesome black, curly hair. As I ran my hand through her hair, I grabbed it and kissed her and kept doing that for a while.

She said it hurts but it a playful laughing manner, and I said something like "I know you like it" and she kept asking me what/how do I know. I said I just know she likes me to grab her by the hair, she laughed and said she never allowed anyone to play with her hair.

It was a very good moment.

 

At this point I freaked out internally and though I kept kissing her and playing with her hair, I could not bring myself to talk to her about sexier stuff.

 

I do like her a lot and I want to make this relationship true and honest, and I believe a healthy relationship also includes sex.

How do I bring sex into discussion during one of our intimate make out times?

We were in the park so it's not like we could have done it there and then.

 

I do plan to bring her to my place next week but I want to talk to her about this topic first.

[basil67]

There are different approaches depending on your ages and how long you've been dating.

 

So, how old are you and how long have you been dating? Are you both virgins? Have you gotten to the stage of touching each other intimately?

[Milu]

We've been dating for about 3 weeks though we're a bit inexperienced when it comes to relationships. She's only had 2 boyfriends before and I've only had 1 long term relationship and a few short ones.

 

I'm 24, she's 23. I've only had sex with my ex and she was madly in love with me, borderline obsessed and she gave her to me herself. I've never had to actually initiate sex myself.

 

My current girlfriend only had 2 relationships before and I don't know anything about her sex life. But she's 23, fairly beautiful so my bet is she's not virgin, though she probably didn't have to initiate sex herself either. She seems insecure and sometimes childish when it comes to romance and love.

 

And touching ourselves intimately? We do kiss a lot, my hand goes on her thigh or the small of her back.

I've never put my hand on her breasts, butt. Not sure how to do it without being awkward. When we make out my hand is usually on her thigh or back or shoulder...

[smudge21]

Why the rush? You said your ex was obsessed and was always up for it, but where did that end up? It's only been 3 weeks so just carry on as you are, maybe taking things a bit further each time but being aware of what she wants. It's not just about you getting your end away. Her past relationships may have moved too fast and now she wants to be sure before taking it that far. I'd give it more time, unless the sex is the only reason you're with her.

[Arieswoman]

Milu,

 

3 weeks?? gee whizz!

 

IMO far too soon to get into sex stuff or even talking about it.

 

Why not enjoy the time together, go bowling, go for walks, pictures/movies, pizzas, art galleries, craft fairs - just find out what you each like to do, what your interests are?

 

Talk about politics, sport, current events etc etc and find out who each other is.

 

And - you don't just need common interests, you need common values.

What if shes Republican and you're Demoncrat? ( In UK Labour v Conservative)

 

What if she's Roman Catholic and you're an Atheist?

 

Lot's of information to find out here before you get into the rumpy-pumpy.

 

I do plan to bring her to my place next week

 

Oh really? Does she know about your "plan"?

 

Just slow this down and find out if this is someone you really want a relationship with. You do want a relationship, don't you ?

[Milu]

Why the rush? You said your ex was obsessed and was always up for it, but where did that end up? It's only been 3 weeks so just carry on as you are, maybe taking things a bit further each time but being aware of what she wants. It's not just about you getting your end away. Her past relationships may have moved too fast and now she wants to be sure before taking it that far. I'd give it more time, unless the sex is the only reason you're with her.

 

Sex is not the only reason I'm with her, but I want to make sure everything is OK. I don't want to wait too long only to have the spark of our relationship fade away because I didn't make a move.

 

"You must talk to her about it" you might say.

 

And I agree, communication is the KEY to a successful relationship.

 

That's why I'm asking:

 

How do I talk to her about sex, what should we do, when, how, what to expect, etc etc?

[Arieswoman]

Milu,

 

I don't want to wait too long only to have the spark of our relationship fade away because I didn't make a move.

 

Uhhh?

 

I don't get this.

 

Why would you think this ???

 

And IMO it's way too soon to talk about sex.

[Milu]

Milu,

 

 

 

Uhhh?

 

I don't get this.

 

Why would you think this ???

 

And IMO it's way too soon to talk about sex.

 

Past experiences, and ****ty experiences at that. And I heard way too much gossip.

One of the bad experiences was when I wanted to build something serious and I didn't immediately jump on sex. She eventually left me because I wasn't "man enough" to just **** her.

 

It was a heavy blow to my self-esteem and felt like **** because I know I'm not good at talking about sex or initiating sex, and I'm fairly inexperienced.

I just want to know how to openly talk about sex with her, expectations, what do we like, things like that.

[Arieswoman]

Milu,

 

One of the bad experiences was when I wanted to build something serious and I didn't immediately jump on sex. She eventually left me because I wasn't "man enough" to just **** her.

 

Well then, you're best rid of that girl. That was a really nasty put-down. Don't take it to heart.

 

If she'd wanted to build something serious then she'd have taken some time to do just that. She didn't.

 

Move on and don't judge all women by some horny female with itchy f@nny.

 

Just take it slow and build.

[Milu]

Thanks. Deep in my heart I know you're right about it.

 

I still want to eventually progress the relationship. Hugging is nice, kissing is also nice. So how do I talk to her about more intimate stuff?

I don't mean right now, but in the future. There will come a time when we'll want to become more intimate, and I want to talk to her about it.

 

Obviously I can't just go all like "hey do you like sex?". When we make out we get fairly intimate and I want to strike a conversation with her about sez without being awkward.

 

How do I do it?

[Arieswoman]

Milu,

I just said .... take it slow... let it develop.... get to know each other as individuals... do you want the same thing for the future... does she even want a LTR ??

 

Stop worrying and enjoy this girls company ......

[BaileyB]

Agreed, you are moving way too fast. If she is inexperienced, you will scare her away. You need to SLOW DOWN. Keep talking with her, have fun with her. Hold her hand, kiss her, touch her, but read her cues and do what she is comfortable with. Your comment about grabbing her hair freaks me out a little bit - I would have hated if a guy was that presumptuous with me. It really shows that you are pushy, not respecting her cues. Dare I say it, maybe you should wait for her to bring it up and definitely, go at her pace.

 

Slow it down...

[Milu]

She told me herself she only allowed me to put my hand through her hair because her hair is too precious, and I told her many times I like her hair.

 

I have long hair myself and my hair is definitely my greatest asset and my pride. I love my hair and I complimented her many times about her hair, how long it is, how full and black.

 

Last night she had her hair tied as usual, we kissed and told her how nice it smells. She asked me if I wanted her to untie her hair, and I said of course.

 

She already knows in a bit weird. I told her I like her hair, eyes and nose. We joke about it because she says her nose is too long and ugly.

 

It's just playful banter. And I think we were both in the heat of the moment. I mean we kissed long and hard last night. I felt like making sexy remarks.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Sorry but I'm not sure I agree with some of the posters here who are telling you that it's too soon. You're not children and you're an adult relationship and three weeks is NOT too short to start having the sex talk.

 

If anything, you NEED the sex talk or at least begin the conversation even if it doesn't come to fruition any time soon.

 

How to start it? The best time is probably when you're alone and making out. Intimate moments are often the best times to share things. At the same time, you might want to be refrain from coming off like a horny desperate teenager unless she likes that of course.

 

Tell her that you're crazy about her, that you love spending time with her, how beautiful she is, how much you love kissing her and tasting her on your lips, etc. You appear to already be doing some of that anyway so just build on that. Make sure that whatever you say it's sincere and something you truly feel and believe. Nothing worse than a guy delivering some cheezy movie quote just to get in a girl's pants.

 

You can then try and open up the lines of communication by asking her things like what makes for a great kiss, what's her idea of romance, and even what kind of fantasies does she have, is there anything she's always wanted to try but hasn't etc.

 

I guess it all depends on your girlfriend too. You can ask all the "right" questions and the right time but if she's shy and inhibited in some way because of inexperience or past experience it will be more challenging. Seeing as how you're both NOT virgins and have some experience in relationships it shouldn't be as big of a problem as you're making it out to be. You're overthinking it so just understand that sometimes it just takes that one person to start the conversation.

 

Good luck.

Edited September 2, 2016 by Michelle ma Belle

[basil67]

I've never really talked about when to have sex. Instead, it's something which we just organically progressed to.

 

When you're passionately kissing, and she's obviously aroused, it's your cue to touch her breasts. If she enjoys that, take it further. It's about reading her level of desire and acting on it.