caligal11 Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 I went on my first female same-sex date this past weekend. She and I had very heavy communication prior to our date, like 3-4 hours per night. Long story short, after the date, she wanted to be friends and reduce our communication. Once I feel a sense of attachment, I find it very hard to detach. I thought about it and felt it was best to have no-contact/no communication for the foreseeable future because it would hurt too much, otherwise, considering how much we'd been communicating. Also being that this was my first same-sex experience of any kind, I felt like I needed to take a break and take stock. She and I made out, which was a very huge deal for me, and when I told her that it would be hard to be around her and not want to kiss her, she said, "Well, I never said you couldn't do that." That would just leave me more confused, though, and felt it was best to take a step back. I expressed to her that I was saddened, but that I understood her point of view and decision. I told her that I liked her very much, I wished her the best and truly hoped she'd find the girlfriend she was looking for because I think she's really cool. To the last part, she became a little upset. She said that it was "completely uncalled for and out of line" to say that part. My question is, what did I say/do wrong? Eventually, she wanted reassurance that this is what I wanted. I told her yes, it would be best for me this way. She said fine and told me that she hoped I'd find the girlfriend I was looking for and we bid goodbye. Later that night, she text messaged me despite me asking and us agreeing to no-contact. She was coy and vague, but that's something else altogether. My main question is what did I say wrong? I was being very sincere and wearing my heart on my sleeve. I truly want the best for her and if she just wanted to be friends, I don't get how telling her I hoped she'd find someone (because I think you're really cool) is out of line?
Toodaloo Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 Nothing. Bullet dodged. Don't worry about it. Sometimes you meet really highly strung people who just take offence to the slightest of things. Just walk away. Do not go back there. 5
ExpatInItaly Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 You did nothing wrong. She sounds a couple fries short of a Happy Meal if she got upset at you wishing her well after she told you she only wanted friendship. 3
smudge21 Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 She comes across as someone who likes to control the relationship and people around her. You took charge and walked away, which in turn bruised her ego and created those reactions - especially telling in how she kept getting in touch after being angry. Walk away. A new relationship should start off happy and wonderful, not full of doubt and anger. 4
Toodaloo Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 You did nothing wrong. She sounds a couple fries short of a Happy Meal if she got upset at you wishing her well after she told you she only wanted friendship. I really wanted that toy as well... Oh well Cali time to pick a meal that has a zombie or something this time. Keep marching on. 2
smackie9 Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 There are times you need to look past your feelings to truly see what the other person is like. You were sincere and showed vulnerability, she was just rude/lacked empathy. She would have been a not nice person in a relationship....everyone is right you dodged a bullet. I feel you made a very wise choice to back away from her. Remember date those who treat you the way you want to be treated.
Gaeta Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 You did nothing wrong and good on you for knowing what you want and not wasting your time with the wrong people. She is frustrated because she would have liked to have sex with you but with no dating or relationship. She didn't get what she wanted so she is being passive aggressive. Block her and move to next. Faster you drop these time wasters faster you'll meet the right one.
Author caligal11 Posted August 31, 2016 Author Posted August 31, 2016 (edited) Thanks guys. This just recently happened, so I wanted to be sure I didn't say or do anything wrong. Later that same night, despite my request for no-contact/no communication. She text messaged me anyways, saying that she had thought of my while out at a lounge with her sister and friends. She was coy and vague, mostly. She spent most of her time apologizing for reaching out because I had asked her not to contact me. The tone of her texts is scattered. From saying "I miss you silly" to "look woman, I had fun with you yesterday and we have been talking so much that it isn't easy for me to just cut off either." One of her texts said "I wanted to say and that I miss you. So there." At the end of our exchange, she's still being coy. She says I'm too black and white and that she's grey and would prefer to be friends, as she had mentioned earlier. I ended communication with her and have her blocked on my phone. Very confusing experience, as I am nearing my mid-30's and have only been with men. Thanks guys! You've certainly helped me!! Edited August 31, 2016 by caligal11
jen1447 Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 Haha ....female subtext never ceases to amaze me. Sorry I didn't see this sooner but I've been in these types of situations many times so I'll give you my take. First of all no, you didn't do anything "wrong" per se, but what you did wasn't 'right' for her so that's why she reacted. There's a mixture of truth here in what she said, what she implied, and what you can deduce, and very simply it's that she did indeed want more of a no-strings-attached thing where you could be friendly but not on the books so to speak. And prob most importantly so you could make out and have sex and all that. Women who are into women sometimes get overcome by the physical appeal of it and it can be hard to say no. (Like esp after you made out.) Anyway, she said that more or less ("grey") and implied that by saying not being official didn't mean you couldn't fool around, and her actions back it up by trying to pull you back in now. Personally I wouldn't be quite so condemning of her ....I think prob there was an element of trying to play you (a bit awkwardly) but eh, we all have desires and it's not exactly like she wants to straight up exploit you. Can I ask if you're looking for a romance specifically, i.e. physical only or physical w friends would be automatically off the table? I'd kinda urge you not to toss it so quickly bc the whole girl-girl thing is um ....not to be missed. (And that goes for physical and emotional. We can drive each other batty w the subext and all that but the rewards are amazing.)
preraph Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 God, she sounds just like a dude, telling you she only wants to barely be friends but you can kiss if you want. I thought being with women was supposed to be less hurtful. Honestly, who cares why she took offense? Probably because she's weird. And she probably misdirected her anger about you saying "Naw, thanks" to the barely friends offer after making out with you. Probably would have been better for her ego if you'd cried and begged. But you didn't and now she's disrespecting your no contact decision to see if she can convince herself you didn't really mean it and she can treat you like crap and you'll still let her come around and continue treating you like crap. Block her and leave her completely behind. She isn't very nice. I expect more from women.
Author caligal11 Posted August 31, 2016 Author Posted August 31, 2016 I really liked her, but there were many red flags before this to the point, weeks ago, when I think to myself "if I don't walk away at this point and I get hurt further down the line, I'm going to remember this and think I should have walked away in this moment." And that's what happened, lol. Honestly, I don't know what I'm looking for. I've never been with a woman before, she was my first kiss, but I felt the overall situation wasn't a heathy one. Haha ....female subtext never ceases to amaze me. Sorry I didn't see this sooner but I've been in these types of situations many times so I'll give you my take. First of all no, you didn't do anything "wrong" per se, but what you did wasn't 'right' for her so that's why she reacted. There's a mixture of truth here in what she said, what she implied, and what you can deduce, and very simply it's that she did indeed want more of a no-strings-attached thing where you could be friendly but not on the books so to speak. And prob most importantly so you could make out and have sex and all that. Women who are into women sometimes get overcome by the physical appeal of it and it can be hard to say no. (Like esp after you made out.) Anyway, she said that more or less ("grey") and implied that by saying not being official didn't mean you couldn't fool around, and her actions back it up by trying to pull you back in now. Personally I wouldn't be quite so condemning of her ....I think prob there was an element of trying to play you (a bit awkwardly) but eh, we all have desires and it's not exactly like she wants to straight up exploit you. Can I ask if you're looking for a romance specifically, i.e. physical only or physical w friends would be automatically off the table? I'd kinda urge you not to toss it so quickly bc the whole girl-girl thing is um ....not to be missed. (And that goes for physical and emotional. We can drive each other batty w the subext and all that but the rewards are amazing.)
Author caligal11 Posted August 31, 2016 Author Posted August 31, 2016 Yes, I didn't like how she stepped on my boundaries of the no contact, which we had just agreed to. She's deleted and blocked. Thank you for your input. God, she sounds just like a dude, telling you she only wants to barely be friends but you can kiss if you want. I thought being with women was supposed to be less hurtful. Honestly, who cares why she took offense? Probably because she's weird. And she probably misdirected her anger about you saying "Naw, thanks" to the barely friends offer after making out with you. Probably would have been better for her ego if you'd cried and begged. But you didn't and now she's disrespecting your no contact decision to see if she can convince herself you didn't really mean it and she can treat you like crap and you'll still let her come around and continue treating you like crap. Block her and leave her completely behind. She isn't very nice. I expect more from women. 1
jen1447 Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 I really liked her, but there were many red flags before this to the point, weeks ago, when I think to myself "if I don't walk away at this point and I get hurt further down the line, I'm going to remember this and think I should have walked away in this moment." And that's what happened, lol. Honestly, I don't know what I'm looking for. I've never been with a woman before, she was my first kiss, but I felt the overall situation wasn't a heathy one. Fair enough. Just pls understand it's not likely to get any less confusing w women ....that's just how we roll and it's easy not to see it in ourselves when we only deal w guys. Quite an eye opener.
CarrieT Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 She and I had very heavy communication prior to our date, like 3-4 hours per night. Long story short, after the date, she wanted to be friends and reduce our communication. Once I feel a sense of attachment, I find it very hard to detach. This is what you did wrong. You spent so much time communicating, that you started to attach to a person that you wanted whom you had essentially created in your head. You admitted it yourself: You started to feel a sense of attachment, but what/who were you attaching to if you hadn't physically met in person? It doesn't matter that it was a same-sex meeting or not. Men and women are equally as guilty of doing this when doing OLD. I have done it a number of times. The trick in the future is to try and meet in person sooner, rather than later, before heading into heavy, in-depth and personal conversations.
Author caligal11 Posted August 31, 2016 Author Posted August 31, 2016 I agree. I wouldn't take the same approach the next time around. Mind you, I had been a married woman (to a man) for over a decade. This foray into OLD is certainly...different. LOL. This is what you did wrong. You spent so much time communicating, that you started to attach to a person that you wanted whom you had essentially created in your head.
Author caligal11 Posted August 31, 2016 Author Posted August 31, 2016 You're right on the money. I ignored many things and it probably shouldn't have even got to the point of meeting up. I'm so different when it comes to women vs. men. I have such a blind spot for them. Once I like a woman, I make many consolations. I'm learning to walk away quicker, but still, it's a process. There are times you need to look past your feelings to truly see what the other person is like. You were sincere and showed vulnerability, she was just rude/lacked empathy. She would have been a not nice person in a relationship....everyone is right you dodged a bullet. I feel you made a very wise choice to back away from her. Remember date those who treat you the way you want to be treated.
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