purplesoccer34 Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 (edited) Is it true that when a guy asks a girl to come over to his place in the very early stages of dating he is usually only after one thing? I met a guy online and we met up for coffee for the first date, but then on the second date he asked to come over to his place to watch a movie. I suggested we go out to dinner instead, and he agreed. I drove over to a restaurant close to where he lives (which is some 40 miles away from my place), we had an awesome time talking, and I paid for the dinner. For the third date, he's asked me to go over to his place again. I don't know what to think. We barely know each other, and he wants me to spend time at his place? Isn't it true that in the early stages of dating, it's ideal for the guy and girl to actually go out and get to know one another? In my past experience, I've never been asked over to a guy's place unless we had been dating for at least a month, so I'm not sure how to proceed. I'm very confused. I know that I've met this guy only twice so far, but both times, he seemed like an exceptionally friendly and sweet person, and just a gentleman. Both dates have lasted over three hours and we had such amazing, fun conversations--at least, that's how I felt. I felt comfortable with him in a way that I hadn't felt with anyone else before. I guess there might have been one or two red flags if I really examine the situation. For example, he told me about all of his crazy exes within the first hour of meeting me. I know they say that you shouldn't talk about your exes on a first date, but this didn't really bother me. Whenever we meet up, he is absolutely wonderful, but I'm starting to think that he's not looking for a real relationship. I guess I'm also just a little confused that he never really offered to drive to a place close to me--both times, he suggested a place that was only a mile away from him, and I agreed. I don't mind driving, but I'm starting to wonder if it's indicating a lack of effort on his part. What would you do in this situation? Edited August 31, 2016 by purplesoccer34 1
Poppyolive Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 Listen to your gut. It knows what's up. If this was my situation, I'd suggest meeting half way. And I wouldn't go to his house this early on. Talking about exes is definitely a red flag for me. Move forward with eyes open wide. 7
BaileyB Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 Yes, highly likely that he wants you to go to his place so that he can get more physical. And if you are not comfortable with that, just say No. And if I may, I think the second date after meeting for coffee is WAY too soon... I would never agree to this. You are at the stage of the relationship where you are trying to determine if he is interested in getting to know you, or if he wants sex. It's totally reasonable to wait for sex until you know him better and you are sure he's not dating anyone else. You can continue as you have been, just tell him that you would prefer to go somewhere public until you know him better. Or, just make an alternative suggestion - somewhere fun to go or something fun to do. If he is really interested in you, he will respect your decision and he will be fine with waiting. If he pressures you or does not wait... Well, then you have your answer. I would be suspect about the driving... A guy who is really interested will make the effort to come to you and make you comfortable. Don't write him off just yet, but don't invest more into the relationship than he does. Good luck. 3
Ami1uwant Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 90% of the time going over to the other persons house on date 2 or 3 implies hoping to have sex. 8
Author purplesoccer34 Posted August 31, 2016 Author Posted August 31, 2016 Oh my, all of these responses only confirmed what my instinct was trying to tell me. I'm glad the warning signs showed up early enough. 2
Miss Peach Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 I agree with the others. It seems he's being lazy and hoping for sex. It doesn't seem like he wants to put any effort into you. The other thing that bothers me is the comment you made about the 'crazy' exes. I know men often say women are crazy when they are out together but if he actually uses this word on a date it's actually a common trait of narcissists, abusers, etc. I don't know for sure he is but it's definitely a flag. At some point down the line you would just be another one of these 'crazy' women to him. IME the way he treated his exes is likely how he will treat you once the shiny wears off. 4
JoeSmith357-1 Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 So here's the thing, 3rd date, you 2 have chemistry... yeah, he's trying to sleep with you, what is the harm in having sex with him??? If he's the type of guy who is just after sex: 1. he's going to bang you and then maybe ghost you 2. he's going to bang you, and keep you around for a while 3. he's going to see that you aren't going to sleep with him, and is going to ghost you See where I am going with this? If he's genuinely interested in you, and the sex is good, he will keep you around. However, your playing hard to get, is frustrating even for guys looking for a relationship. It sometimes gets translated into lack of interest Just go over, bang and see where it goes... This is 2016, women's vaginas shouldn't be used as pawns in a game... 1
Gaeta Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 This guy is bad news. When a man is genuine about getting to know you he'd never risk making a bad impression by inviting you over for a 2nd date. A gentleman will wait for YOU to invite him over for dinner after a few dates. It's the woman that should give the 'go ahead' that it's ok to have a home-date. How much did he spend on your first date that you felt you should pay gas + dinner on second date? If all you had as a first meet is a coffee and you drove 40 miles to meet him over coffee than your second date should have him driving and you pay coffee and cake. And it slowly escalates that way. He spent what? $10 on your 1st date and you spent + $50 and gas on your second? From now go gradually. Please note that he invited you over to his place for a 3rd date so it means YOU are the one to again pay for gas! Not good enough. 4
Gaeta Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 If he's genuinely interested in you, and the sex is good, he will keep you around. However, your playing hard to get, I don't consider a woman driving TWICE 40 miles to meet a man that can't be bothered to drive outside his city + paying their dinner, a woman playing hard to get. She wants some efforts and respect in return. She drove 80 miles TWICE + grabbed dinner and now he wants her to AGAIN drive 80km round trip ?? 8
JoeSmith357-1 Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 I don't consider a woman driving TWICE 40 miles to meet a man that can't be bothered to drive outside his city + paying their dinner, a woman playing hard to get. She wants some efforts and respect in return. She drove 80 miles TWICE + grabbed dinner and now he wants her to AGAIN drive 80km round trip ?? She had an opportunity when she countered his initial proposal to come over to his place, that was an excellent opportunity for her to suggest dinner closer to her... She didn't So... apparently the 40 miles is a non-issue. So please don't bring it up. I'm assuming he paid for the dates too. So that's the part about effort About respect? Sounds like he's treating her well on the dates and she senses some chemistry, what more do you want? This cuts both ways here... I sense the OP is really inexperienced and shy to suggest something closer. Maybe im wrong, so I will ask the OP... why didn't you suggest something closer if you are going to complain about driving? Puzzled...
Gaeta Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 I'm assuming he paid for the dates too. Your assuming wrong. She drove 80 miles round trip for their 2nd date and SHE paid for dinner. I'd be surprised he tried to grab the bill from her! 6
JoeSmith357-1 Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 This guy is bad news. When a man is genuine about getting to know you he'd never risk making a bad impression by inviting you over for a 2nd date. A gentleman will wait for YOU to invite him over for dinner after a few dates. It's the woman that should give the 'go ahead' that it's ok to have a home-date. This is crazy talk. Bad news because he's trying to "netflix and chill" after 2 dates? And that the woman should initiate it? Crazy... I will say, 2 dates is before I would personally do that. But date 3 or 4, it's within the realm of possibility How much did he spend on your first date that you felt you should pay gas + dinner on second date? If all you had as a first meet is a coffee and you drove 40 miles to meet him over coffee than your second date should have him driving and you pay coffee and cake. And it slowly escalates that way. He spent what? $10 on your 1st date and you spent + $50 and gas on your second? From now go gradually. Please note that he invited you over to his place for a 3rd date so it means YOU are the one to again pay for gas! Not good enough. Yeah, and some of you wonder why guys get so frustrated... do you really look at dates at this micro economic level? lol!
JoeSmith357-1 Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 Your assuming wrong. She drove 80 miles round trip for their 2nd date and SHE paid for dinner. I'd be surprised he tried to grab the bill from her! Ok, well the guy is cheap... not sure that's a red flag or anything. You know, womens lib and all? lol
joseb Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 So here's the thing, 3rd date, you 2 have chemistry... yeah, he's trying to sleep with you, what is the harm in having sex with him??? If he's the type of guy who is just after sex: 1. he's going to bang you and then maybe ghost you 2. he's going to bang you, and keep you around for a while 3. he's going to see that you aren't going to sleep with him, and is going to ghost you See where I am going with this? If he's genuinely interested in you, and the sex is good, he will keep you around. However, your playing hard to get, is frustrating even for guys looking for a relationship. It sometimes gets translated into lack of interest Just go over, bang and see where it goes... Well, I agree with this in principle. In this case though, the OP does seem to be making all the effort - driving to him, AND paying for dinner, so maybe it's less likely to go much beyond a FB situation. Which is fine if the OP is OK with that.. 1
JoeSmith357-1 Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 Well, I agree with this in principle. In this case though, the OP does seem to be making all the effort - driving to him, AND paying for dinner, so maybe it's less likely to go much beyond a FB situation. Which is fine if the OP is OK with that.. Honestly I missed the part about the OP paying for dinner. I was just responding to what I see all the time as the typical slaying of dudes making a move early.
Gaeta Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 This is crazy talk. Bad news because he's trying to "netflix and chill" after 2 dates? And that the woman should initiate it? Crazy... Yeah, and some of you wonder why guys get so frustrated... do you really look at dates at this micro economic level? lol! Yes he is bad news because he is trying to netflix and chill. When you first meet someone you need to show some efforts and you need to stay out of each others house on 2nd date. They are strangers. She has no clue what type of man he is, he can turn on her in a split second and she finds herself 40 miles away from home in a stranger's house. Common sense!! You need to remember that women are the vulnerable ones when dealing with strangers. I look at dates in level of efforts. I also look at dates in terms of common sense. If a man spent $10 on our first date I ain't gonna spend $100 on our second!! majority of of new dates don't make it to 3rd date!! You keep your money for when you still want to see each other after 3 dates. 8
salparadise Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 Yea, I just disagree with all of the crap about him not respecting you because he's not showing enough effort. 40 miles isn't that big a deal, and he is probably more familiar with the restaurants near him. Alls you have to do is suggest you meet at a restaurant near you! That's it. Asking you to his place doesn't have any meaning in and of itself. Does he want sex––probably. Men like sex, generally speaking, and that is one of the reasons they take women on dates. That doesn't mean he isn't interested in a relationship. And it doesn't mean you're agreeing to sex if you go to his house. You get to decide when you're ready, regardless of any and all other circumstances. I will say though, that many guys are ready to move beyond polite conversation by a third date. Many women too. If you're thinking it's going to be three months and official status declared before you get physical with him... you might want to give him a hint so he can lower expectations if he has any. I think you should feel more confident and in control and quit second guessing every little detail. Go with the flow, or determine the flow, and have a good time. If necessary, communicate your thoughts on abstinence in the early phase of dating and see if he's on the same page. It doesn't have to be such a game. Just be real and communicate. 1
SwordofFlame Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 Well he definitely wants to have sex with you. Is this guy really good looking? After all, you met him online. If so, maybe that's why he thinks he can just get laid after taking you out for coffee? Was there a lot of physical contact and making out on the first date? Is he broke? What does he do for a living? 2
Author purplesoccer34 Posted August 31, 2016 Author Posted August 31, 2016 She had an opportunity when she countered his initial proposal to come over to his place, that was an excellent opportunity for her to suggest dinner closer to her... She didn't So... apparently the 40 miles is a non-issue. So please don't bring it up. I'm assuming he paid for the dates too. So that's the part about effort About respect? Sounds like he's treating her well on the dates and she senses some chemistry, what more do you want? This cuts both ways here... I sense the OP is really inexperienced and shy to suggest something closer. Maybe im wrong, so I will ask the OP... why didn't you suggest something closer if you are going to complain about driving? Puzzled... Like some of the other posters said, it's all about making the effort. Driving 40 miles is indeed a non-issue for me, but that's not the point is it? Isn't it strange that he didn't even bring up the idea of driving to a place close to me? All three times, he has suggested that I go over to him. He paid for the first coffee date, and I paid for the second dinner date--which did end up being more expensive than the coffee. I went over to him for the first 2 dates, but now I am definitely going to suggest something closer to me and see how he responds. 2
Gaeta Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 Like some of the other posters said, it's all about making the effort. Driving 40 miles is indeed a non-issue for me, but that's not the point is it? Isn't it strange that he didn't even bring up the idea of driving to a place close to me? All three times, he has suggested that I go over to him. He paid for the first coffee date, and I paid for the second dinner date--which did end up being more expensive than the coffee. I went over to him for the first 2 dates, but now I am definitely going to suggest something closer to me and see how he responds. Let me ask you. When you grabbed the dinner bill, did he try in anyway to pay? It was the least he could do after you drove there for the 2nd time. 1
Author purplesoccer34 Posted August 31, 2016 Author Posted August 31, 2016 I agree with the others. It seems he's being lazy and hoping for sex. It doesn't seem like he wants to put any effort into you. The other thing that bothers me is the comment you made about the 'crazy' exes. I know men often say women are crazy when they are out together but if he actually uses this word on a date it's actually a common trait of narcissists, abusers, etc. I don't know for sure he is but it's definitely a flag. At some point down the line you would just be another one of these 'crazy' women to him. IME the way he treated his exes is likely how he will treat you once the shiny wears off. Yeah haha he did actually use the word "crazy" to describe all of his exes. And apparently he had a lot of past relationships...surely not all of his exes could be that crazy, right? Wow, only two dates and so many red flags! I appreciate everyone's input here 1
Author purplesoccer34 Posted August 31, 2016 Author Posted August 31, 2016 Let me ask you. When you grabbed the dinner bill, did he try in anyway to pay? It was the least he could do after you drove there for the 2nd time. Okay, I will say he tried, but I just happened to reach for the bill first. I then looked at him, decided to be nice and said, "I got this." And he let me pay. 1
Author purplesoccer34 Posted August 31, 2016 Author Posted August 31, 2016 Well he definitely wants to have sex with you. Is this guy really good looking? After all, you met him online. If so, maybe that's why he thinks he can just get laid after taking you out for coffee? Was there a lot of physical contact and making out on the first date? Is he broke? What does he do for a living? I thought he was good-looking. The only physical contact we had was holding hands and some making out at the end. He is a project manager at a large corporation and has been working there for several years, so I'm assuming he isn't broke.
Gaeta Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 Okay, I will say he tried, but I just happened to reach for the bill first. I then looked at him, decided to be nice and said, "I got this." And he let me pay. Ok, so the lesson here is? It's welcomed to be nice when the niceness is reciprocated. You did a big nice gesture when he had done 0. Right? 5
Better Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 I've asked a woman over to my home for dinner on a second date exactly one time but it was a completely different situation. We had been friends for more than ten years so knew and trusted each other. We decided to move it to a romantic relationship and went out to dinner. We immediately knew that we had chemistry on the first date so it wasn't awkward to ask her over for the second. In this case, the "getting to know you" period was done over the course of the decade so we didn't have to go through that again during the first stages of true dating. I can't think of another situation where I would do the same. 1
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