SweetCharity Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 (edited) Hello everyone. As some of you have seen in my previous posts I have an atrocious history with dating. The closest I got to a long relationship was 2 years...but he was emotionally (and sometimes sexually) abusive. The second longest was 9 months but he was unaffectionate and never wanted sex. Now he won't even speak to me. My recent foray into dating...he cheated and couldn't even tell me himself. I was catatonic for three days. I felt like I had a fever. And in my weakest moment, I ended up hurting myself with a box cutter. I immediately felt pain and stupidity and stopped. And then, just like that I was fine. Or so I thought. Because I didn't feel hopeful anymore about dating. I felt dead inside. A couple nights ago I got drunk and messaged the guy (let’s call him Michael) who had convinced me to leave my drug addict bf for him. There's a post about it floating around here. Long story short: We met and he was smart and charming. And told me I could do better than my ex. Shortly after I left my bf for him, he left me because he found out I had HPV. A month and a half later he comes back and woos me all over again. Only this time I end up hooking up with him while I was seeing an actually pretty decent guy. I broke that guy’s heart. I moved to Orlando and wouldn’t you know it Michael was still all over me. We’d keep in contact. I even visited him at some point. We were in a good place, maybe not as bf and g, but FWB. But as time went on, the distance distanced us. And one day I got the call that he went back with his ex. It destroyed me and I flipped out on him. We didn’t speak after that. I saw him a year later and we hooked up but he went MIA for a year, though apparently he had contacted me and I just never received it. Then I reach out to him about a month ago and we hang out like old times and hook up. In the morning he gives me the “I don’t want to hurt you” spiel and promptly distant himself from me. I feel bad about it but don’t push him. But the truth is I never really got over him. Four years and each time I see him it’s like I love him even more than the last. It’s kind of why I went after Seth, the guy who cheated on me. I was trying to forget Michael and thought I could just hook up with a really hot guy and be done with it. NO. I was wrong. I ended up liking Seth and having the whole thing explode in my face. So a couple nights ago I reach out to Michael again saying I was sorry for how I screwed everything up and care about him and wish I could make things right. He responds with saying that he knows and he’s sorry too and was also sorry for being a dick. He also said he was sorry for confusing me and that’s why he distanced himself. And in my drunken state I get an idea. I thought if I saw him and had sex with him it would cancel out the pain I felt over Seth. So that’s exactly what I do. And it was really great seeing him again because it made me realize how shallow my relationship with Seth had been. I love hearing him talk. He's so confident and smart. I even tell him what I had done to myself. And he tells me he hopes it wasn’t because of him. I told him of course not. He makes me pinky promise him not to do it again. But once again in the morning he tells me “I don’t want to hurt you…I know I keep saying that.” But when we kiss good bye he tells me we should hang out again. Who am I kidding? He’s already distant. I probably scare him. And now I have clarity. I only love men who will never love me. And anyone else gets an apathetic response. I’m really depressed. I was diagnosed with PTSD and started therapy but Rome wasn’t built in the day. I’ve suffered too much trauma. All I want to do is sleep. I have no desire to do anything. I don’t know who I want to be, what I want to do with my life. I’m no one. I’m hollowed out and empty. And there are times when I do want to hurt myself again but I promised him I wouldn’t. Why would Michael really want me? I screwed things up and am not a real person. I see the girls on his fb page. They all have hobbies and interests and go places. I do nothing. And maybe I don’t really love him but what he represents to me. I don’t do anything because I’m depressed all the time and want to sleep instead. I had a date to just hook up with someone and he stood me up. And it devastated me because I can’t even get a measly hook up. I just feel so hopeless about dating now. It affects me too much. I know I need a break but I just get so restless and depressed. Like I have a fever. Thoughts? Edited August 31, 2016 by SweetCharity grammar
LostOnes05 Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 You seem to be attracted to unavailable and distant men. And I wouldn't call what you are doing dating at all. Running around just having hookups while simultaneously not healing from past hurts is going to keep you in your current state. Why not take time away from dating to evaluate why you keep running back to someone whose only tie to you is sex and your infatuation? And you sound like you need some hobbies. Find something that interests you even a little bit and go for it. Whether it's writing, drawing, gym time, or volunteering do something that makes you happy and doesn't depend on a "relationship" with a guy. Best of luck but only you can break the cycle. Remember if you accept the role of FWB then that's all you'll ever be. Relationships can be great, but it takes two complete people to commit to each other. Once you heal and are complete, you won't settle for someone who is only part time or convenient.
Larryville Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 The very reason why so many post here sometimes to just vent. Hobbies? Absolutely! You started therapy, awesome means you recognize you have a problem and you are not sitting on your hands. What worked for me, journal, writing, blogging about what is going on. Not writing for anyone else but for yourself and as you improve you can see your progress from your own perspective. Mostly an ongoing venting exercise. I did a blog many years ago, on occasion I go back and read and I think WTF, don't recognize that dude but was in a dark place Cool website I read every day, lots of cool life affirming stuff written by average people (not professional writers) Thought Catalog, Google great site. Good Luck
stillafool Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 I think you need to take a break from dating and drinking. Take 6 months to just work on yourself instead of having your mind fogged up by men. You'll be surprised at how better you will feel.
Author SweetCharity Posted August 31, 2016 Author Posted August 31, 2016 And you sound like you need some hobbies. Find something that interests you even a little bit and go for it. Whether it's writing, drawing, gym time, or volunteering do something that makes you happy and doesn't depend on a "relationship" with a guy. Best of luck but only you can break the cycle. Remember if you accept the role of FWB then that's all you'll ever be. Relationships can be great, but it takes two complete people to commit to each other. Once you heal and are complete, you won't settle for someone who is only part time or convenient. that's the problem. I used to have many hobbies and am actually a very talented artist. But I'm too depressed to enjoy anything anymore.
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