smellysocksuni Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 ...in depth about my most recent break up? I am really, really struggling. I have spoken to friends, but I am feeling really scared. 1
Author smellysocksuni Posted August 30, 2016 Author Posted August 30, 2016 (edited) Basically. I was broken up with two months ago, and we were in almost daily contact. She wanted to stay friends, and I agreed with this at first, because I thought I could handle it. But I couldn't, and the conversation would always turn to feelings, and then she'd shut down and either ignore me or tell me she didn't want to talk about it. Cut to tonight, and we've just argued because apparently I've trapped her, I've not let her move on, I've forced her to stay in contact with me. I've said to her that I have never said anything rude, anything to insult her - I've merely wanted to meet to talk or whatever. I haven't seen her for a while; she even broke up with over messages. Anyway. She's told me to stop contacting her. I am now feeling like **** and I have instantly changed my number. I just don't get why I have been removed from her life like that, and why she is so angry at me all the time. I'm also scared because I live alone and I don't have many distractions. I get a lot of obsessive thoughts, a lot of loneliness, a lot of anxiety. How can it be that she has no feelings at all? No matter what I said to her, she was completely cold and emotionless. Everything we did together seemed to have no impact on her, when it was mentioned. It hurts so much. I just don't know what to do next. Edited August 30, 2016 by smellysocksuni 1
BC1980 Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 Is this the same person that initially brought you here or someone else? 1
Author smellysocksuni Posted August 30, 2016 Author Posted August 30, 2016 Is this the same person that initially brought you here or someone else? It's someone else. 1
gracey123 Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 Oh lovely I'm so sorry it sounds as though she doesn't know what she wants, and she is conflicted as to whether she wants a relationship with you or not, that's why she is bottling up her feelings. Don't try to contact her, she will come to you when she is ready. It sounds to me she still has feelings for you. I'm going through something similar myself 1
Author smellysocksuni Posted August 30, 2016 Author Posted August 30, 2016 Oh lovely I'm so sorry it sounds as though she doesn't know what she wants, and she is conflicted as to whether she wants a relationship with you or not, that's why she is bottling up her feelings. Don't try to contact her, she will come to you when she is ready. It sounds to me she still has feelings for you. I'm going through something similar myself I appreciate your reply, thank you. I never got that vibe from her. Maybe she does have feelings - I would find it odd if they just disappeared overnight. But i just feel so horrible.
gracey123 Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 I appreciate your reply, thank you. I never got that vibe from her. Maybe she does have feelings - I would find it odd if they just disappeared overnight. But i just feel so horrible. Of course you are entitled to feel horrible, it is hurtful for her to do that to you. But maybe she feels pressured when you mention feelings, maybe she isn't ready to discuss it yet because she feels mixed up about you guys 1
Zahara Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 Basically. I was broken up with two months ago, and we were in almost daily contact. She wanted to stay friends, and I agreed with this at first, because I thought I could handle it. But I couldn't, and the conversation would always turn to feelings, and then she'd shut down and either ignore me or tell me she didn't want to talk about it. Cut to tonight, and we've just argued because apparently I've trapped her, I've not let her move on, I've forced her to stay in contact with me. I've said to her that I have never said anything rude, anything to insult her - I've merely wanted to meet to talk or whatever. I haven't seen her for a while; she even broke up with over messages. Anyway. She's told me to stop contacting her. I am now feeling like **** and I have instantly changed my number. I just don't get why I have been removed from her life like that, and why she is so angry at me all the time. I'm also scared because I live alone and I don't have many distractions. I get a lot of obsessive thoughts, a lot of loneliness, a lot of anxiety. How can it be that she has no feelings at all? No matter what I said to her, she was completely cold and emotionless. Everything we did together seemed to have no impact on her, when it was mentioned. It hurts so much. I just don't know what to do next. Smelly, I posted when you were having issues with the ex that brought you here. I am guessing this woman is a different woman and the one you posted some time ago that was exhibiting toxic behavior, which you "labeled" as BPD?
ChickiePops Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 Basically. I was broken up with two months ago, and we were in almost daily contact. She wanted to stay friends, and I agreed with this at first, because I thought I could handle it. But I couldn't, and the conversation would always turn to feelings, and then she'd shut down and either ignore me or tell me she didn't want to talk about it. Cut to tonight, and we've just argued because apparently I've trapped her, I've not let her move on, I've forced her to stay in contact with me. I've said to her that I have never said anything rude, anything to insult her - I've merely wanted to meet to talk or whatever. I haven't seen her for a while; she even broke up with over messages. Anyway. She's told me to stop contacting her. I am now feeling like **** and I have instantly changed my number. I just don't get why I have been removed from her life like that, and why she is so angry at me all the time. I'm also scared because I live alone and I don't have many distractions. I get a lot of obsessive thoughts, a lot of loneliness, a lot of anxiety. How can it be that she has no feelings at all? No matter what I said to her, she was completely cold and emotionless. Everything we did together seemed to have no impact on her, when it was mentioned. It hurts so much. I just don't know what to do next. It kind of sounds like she was using you to help her get over the break up..which is not very nice. I know being removed from her life feels like the end of the world now but in the long run, it's the very best thing for you. You yourself admitted that you couldn't handle just being friends and that she would continuously shoot you down when feelings came up. That couldn't have been pleasant! Now you won't have to go through that daily torture anymore. As for the loneliness..well there are definitely ways to fix that. When you get over the hysterically crying and throwing comfort food at any happy person you see on TV phase of your break up, scrape yourself out of bed, wash your tearstained face, and get out of the house! The misery doesn't last forever. That much I can promise. It hurts like a beast but in a week, you'll wake up and go..hmm..I can actually have coherent thoughts that don't involve my ex. In a month, you'll be sad but it'll be tolerable. In a year, maybe you'll have yourself and brand new girlfriend and you'll be thinking..wtf was I thinking with that last chick?? It DOES get better. 2
gracey123 Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 It kind of sounds like she was using you to help her get over the break up..which is not very nice. I know being removed from her life feels like the end of the world now but in the long run, it's the very best thing for you. You yourself admitted that you couldn't handle just being friends and that she would continuously shoot you down when feelings came up. That couldn't have been pleasant! Now you won't have to go through that daily torture anymore. As for the loneliness..well there are definitely ways to fix that. When you get over the hysterically crying and throwing comfort food at any happy person you see on TV phase of your break up, scrape yourself out of bed, wash your tearstained face, and get out of the house! The misery doesn't last forever. That much I can promise. It hurts like a beast but in a week, you'll wake up and go..hmm..I can actually have coherent thoughts that don't involve my ex. In a month, you'll be sad but it'll be tolerable. In a year, maybe you'll have yourself and brand new girlfriend and you'll be thinking..wtf was I thinking with that last chick?? It DOES get better. Preach it!!! 1
Author smellysocksuni Posted August 30, 2016 Author Posted August 30, 2016 Smelly, I posted when you were having issues with the ex that brought you here. I am guessing this woman is a different woman and the one you posted some time ago that was exhibiting toxic behavior, which you "labeled" as BPD? Yes, exactly her. I feel embarrassed because I didn't really want to come back here so soon after the initial one, and have to report on another failed relationship... but here we are. She's been acting so cold, and like she doesn't know me. I haven't been harrassing her, or being insulting, or anything. But she just exploded at me tonight, saying I was keeping her stuck and that she wants to move on and live her life. And I am left wondering what the hell I did that made her feel like this towards me, and how the hell I am going to get through this.
preraph Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 Just because you had some fun times doesn't mean that isn't outweighed, as far as she is concerned, with the not so fun times. To me it sounds like she became disinterested in you romantically and you stayed around under the "friend" condition, which was a lie. You were never going to be satisfied with that. And so that was a betrayal to her because you misled her into thinking you could just relax and be friends. But you couldn't, so she's done with you. And it no longer matters what fun things you did. You can enjoy the memories, but it is over. I'm sorry. And yes, you are acting obsessively, which is scary to people. She feels she needs to cut you off completely because you are not in control of yourself. Better luck next time.
Author smellysocksuni Posted August 30, 2016 Author Posted August 30, 2016 Just because you had some fun times doesn't mean that isn't outweighed, as far as she is concerned, with the not so fun times. To me it sounds like she became disinterested in you romantically and you stayed around under the "friend" condition, which was a lie. You were never going to be satisfied with that. And so that was a betrayal to her because you misled her into thinking you could just relax and be friends. But you couldn't, so she's done with you. And it no longer matters what fun things you did. You can enjoy the memories, but it is over. I'm sorry. And yes, you are acting obsessively, which is scary to people. She feels she needs to cut you off completely because you are not in control of yourself. Better luck next time. As much as it hurts to see that written - I was acting slightly obsessive, yes. More so out of extreme fear of having to face the pain of a break up, not because I wasn't in control of myself. There were days we didn't speak, and she would also initiate a lot of the conversation - at some points even suggesting we meet up and get in bed together to watch films. But yeah. Never mind, eh. 1
Zahara Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 Yes, exactly her. I feel embarrassed because I didn't really want to come back here so soon after the initial one, and have to report on another failed relationship... but here we are. She's been acting so cold, and like she doesn't know me. I haven't been harrassing her, or being insulting, or anything. But she just exploded at me tonight, saying I was keeping her stuck and that she wants to move on and live her life. And I am left wondering what the hell I did that made her feel like this towards me, and how the hell I am going to get through this. Go back and read what you posted about her. Just as you had difficulty with relationship #1, you're repeating patterns with #2 and what's striking is the comment you made about your inability to end a relationship when it's bad for you. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/561736-how-do-i-know-if-my-gf-has-bpd What are you fighting for? I hardly believe she's done a 180 -- so what is the objective to keep her in your life other than your intense need to hold on because you fear abandonment? You need to work on the latter and not pursue her in hopes that she can heal your pain. 3
ChickiePops Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 Yes, exactly her. I feel embarrassed because I didn't really want to come back here so soon after the initial one, and have to report on another failed relationship... but here we are. She's been acting so cold, and like she doesn't know me. I haven't been harrassing her, or being insulting, or anything. But she just exploded at me tonight, saying I was keeping her stuck and that she wants to move on and live her life. And I am left wondering what the hell I did that made her feel like this towards me, and how the hell I am going to get through this. Oh that's just silly! Who cares what a bunch of randos on the internet think of you? Nothing to be embarrassed about. Read Zahara's post..she's absolutely right. You are repeating the same patterns as last time..so the fact that you came here and 'embarrassed' yourself by posting about this one might actually help you in the long run. Hopefully you can recognize the pattern you're developing and try to change it before it goes from pattern to unbreakable habit. 1
Author smellysocksuni Posted August 30, 2016 Author Posted August 30, 2016 Go back and read what you posted about her. Just as you had difficulty with relationship #1, you're repeating patterns with #2 and what's striking is the comment you made about your inability to end a relationship when it's bad for you. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/561736-how-do-i-know-if-my-gf-has-bpd What are you fighting for? I hardly believe she's done a 180 -- so what is the objective to keep her in your life other than your intense need to hold on because you fear abandonment? You need to work on the latter and not pursue her in hopes that she can heal your pain. I really appreciate and value the honesty. I have had issues with relationships and abandonment since my mother passed away, and that is something I am getting help for. She hasn't done a 180, of course. She's the same person. I won't be pursuing her, any longer.
basil67 Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 Basically. I was broken up with two months ago, and we were in almost daily contact. She wanted to stay friends, and I agreed with this at first, because I thought I could handle it. But I couldn't, and the conversation would always turn to feelings, and then she'd shut down and either ignore me or tell me she didn't want to talk about it. Cut to tonight, and we've just argued because apparently I've trapped her, I've not let her move on, I've forced her to stay in contact with me. I've said to her that I have never said anything rude, anything to insult her - I've merely wanted to meet to talk or whatever. I haven't seen her for a while; she even broke up with over messages. Anyway. She's told me to stop contacting her. I am now feeling like **** and I have instantly changed my number. I just don't get why I have been removed from her life like that, and why she is so angry at me all the time. I'm also scared because I live alone and I don't have many distractions. I get a lot of obsessive thoughts, a lot of loneliness, a lot of anxiety. How can it be that she has no feelings at all? No matter what I said to her, she was completely cold and emotionless. Everything we did together seemed to have no impact on her, when it was mentioned. It hurts so much. I just don't know what to do next. OK, here's what happened: She broke up, but wanted to stay friends because she had this irrational idea that you'd be fine with the break up and just be regular friends as if there had never been a relationship. But reality was that you were heartbroken. You leaned on her with your feelings about how hard it was to get over the relationship. And now she's tired of having a friend who her actions hurt so much. She can't understand why you just didn't *poof* get over it instantly. The stuff about you trapping her and not letting her move on is bollocks. She was the one who wanted to be "friends". But she prefers to blame you than take responsibility for her own decision to be friends. This is why No Contact is so important after a breakup. 5
Author smellysocksuni Posted August 30, 2016 Author Posted August 30, 2016 I think I knew within the first couple of weeks that I wasn't really into this person, but I carried on with it. I just need to know how to get through this the right way. I really have little support around me physically, and to be honest, LS is the only place I can really turn to about things like this.
gracey123 Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 I feel like I'm getting the impression that she is doing this because she knows that you will be the one to contact her, as I presume you have mentioned having feelings for her still? (Please correct me if I'm wrong lol) Give her that short sharp shock and kick up the bum by showing her you can be away from her, you don't need her and that you're better off without you! "Grow tall, grow strong, so it won't destroy you when things go wrong" 2
Author smellysocksuni Posted August 30, 2016 Author Posted August 30, 2016 OK, here's what happened: She broke up, but wanted to stay friends because she had this irrational idea that you'd be fine with the break up and just be regular friends as if there had never been a relationship. But reality was that you were heartbroken. You leaned on her with your feelings about how hard it was to get over the relationship. And now she's tired of having a friend who her actions hurt so much. She can't understand why you just didn't *poof* get over it instantly. The stuff about you trapping her and not letting her move on is bollocks. She was the one who wanted to be "friends". But she prefers to blame you than take responsibility for her own decision to be friends. This is why No Contact is so important after a breakup. You have got it SPOT ON. This is exactly what happened. I WAS confiding in her, and telling her how hard I found it. She got tired of hearing this, and then started getting funny with me until what happened tonight happened. Even today she said that friends rubbish. I wasn't trapping anyone, or forcing her to do anything. She wanted to come over today to 'chill out' - huh? Chill out? With someone you've just broken up with? Who clearly isn't over it? And she even warned me not to mention anything about 'us' otherwise she'd go home. Is that even fair? I'm so glad someone gets what was going on. I thought I was going mad.
gracey123 Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 I think I knew within the first couple of weeks that I wasn't really into this person, but I carried on with it. I just need to know how to get through this the right way. I really have little support around me physically, and to be honest, LS is the only place I can really turn to about things like this. Always here to chat:) you have a LS friend lol 1
Zahara Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 I really appreciate and value the honesty. I have had issues with relationships and abandonment since my mother passed away, and that is something I am getting help for. She hasn't done a 180, of course. She's the same person. I won't be pursuing her, any longer. And that is why I believe I mentioned when you were struggling with #1, to invest the time on healing yourself. You can't cope and deal with your issues if you keep getting involved with people that only magnify and feed into those issues. It's best to stay single for awhile, work on your co-dependence and your fear of abandonment and invest your time and energy cultivating a relationship with yourself. I know you are hurting but the best thing to do is to block her and stay away. You received good advice in your last post about her and it all remains the same -- regardless of whether she is BPD or not -- she isn't a good and healthy addition to your life. Go through the pain and withdrawals. Seek a professional for help so that you can start focusing on you. Post here. Lean on your friends and family (I hope you have mended fences with them now that she is out of your life?) and know that it's going to be okay. It's going to take time but you'll get through this. 3
Author smellysocksuni Posted August 30, 2016 Author Posted August 30, 2016 I feel like I'm getting the impression that she is doing this because she knows that you will be the one to contact her, as I presume you have mentioned having feelings for her still? (Please correct me if I'm wrong lol) Give her that short sharp shock and kick up the bum by showing her you can be away from her, you don't need her and that you're better off without you! "Grow tall, grow strong, so it won't destroy you when things go wrong" Yes, grace. That's exactly what happened. I have always gone back after a few days and messaged her. She has never once after a few days got in touch with me. She has done that throughout the r'ship - argued with me, said horrible things.. .never apologised and never been the one to contact me first.
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