Hurting more than I can imagine

[Frozensushi]

In my case, the hardest relationships to get fully over where the toxic, dysfunctional ones. They are the ones that run your emotions all over the block. The R/S's where it ran its course and faded w/out drama and ended are easier in my experiences. This maybe why your struggling a bit.

 

The facts are, you can't hit a switch and turn your thoughts of her off. You will always think of her, even though you're in a happy R/S now w/someone new. This is NORMAL.

 

What will happen though is with absolutely NC, no spying on her social media, no viewing old photo's of her and blocking her everywhere; that will provide the out of sight out of mind you need. Then as each week passes, the frequency of you thinking about her will widen. Your mind might think of her but you can change the channel quickly and think of something else. It's like you're breaking a bad habit.

 

Thank you for this. I'm really struggling hard right now. As you know my R/S was extremely dysfunctional with a lot of drama and confusion. I think this is one of the hardest things I have ever been through. I'm trying my best not to spy or check social media sites.

 

I'm really in bad shape and even though I know this breakup is the best thing for me, there's a part of me that misses her extremely. I really hate it and feel like I'm too emotionally weak to deal with it. The breakup is constantly on my mind. I could be out doing something or preoccupied with a project, but those thoughts are just sitting there, waiting patiently underneath the surface.

 

This thread is very helpful with a lot of great advice. I'm very thankful for this forum. I've been through breakups in the past, but none of them have had such a major impact on my life as this one. Talking about it helps a lot.

[aloneinaz]

Thank you for this. I'm really struggling hard right now. As you know my R/S was extremely dysfunctional with a lot of drama and confusion. I think this is one of the hardest things I have ever been through. I'm trying my best not to spy or check social media sites.

 

I'm really in bad shape and even though I know this breakup is the best thing for me, there's a part of me that misses her extremely. I really hate it and feel like I'm too emotionally weak to deal with it. The breakup is constantly on my mind. I could be out doing something or preoccupied with a project, but those thoughts are just sitting there, waiting patiently underneath the surface.

 

This thread is very helpful with a lot of great advice. I'm very thankful for this forum. I've been through breakups in the past, but none of them have had such a major impact on my life as this one. Talking about it helps a lot.

 

Listen, I'm sorry you're struggling. Let me tell you. I've been where you are. I was a mess too. The good news? You will get through this. What you're feeling is VERY normal. You'll have some lousy days and then a good day will recharge your batteries. You simply have to push through them. Staying busy REALLY helps. NC, no spying, no viewing pictures, etc..

 

It's so very true that you're breaking a bad addiction to something that's not healthy for you. Addictions are tough to power through but people do it everyday. Each that passes, it will get a bit easier and easier. I promise.

 

You really have to have frequent talks w/yourself. Focus on the toxicity of that failed R/S. All the BS. All the stress/anxiety. Remind yourself that a healthy R/S should bring you happiness, love, contentment and happiness. Also remind yourself daily that she won't change, ever. People like that simply can't and they'll continue to bounce from dysfunctional R/S to the next.

 

What helped me? When I was at my worst, I really focused on my future. I told myself that my next love was out there, waiting to meet me. What did she look like? That really helped me for some reason. About 6 months after my horrible R/S ended, I met my now fiance. She was damaged and healing from her last R/S as well. So, it reinforced my opinion that when you're able to date again a few months later, do so. It helps us realize there are millions of healthy people out there who are looking for their next love too.

 

Pls keep posting as you need too! It really helps.

Stay strong!

[Frozensushi]

Listen, I'm sorry you're struggling. Let me tell you. I've been where you are. I was a mess too. The good news? You will get through this. What you're feeling is VERY normal. You'll have some lousy days and then a good day will recharge your batteries. You simply have to push through them. Staying busy REALLY helps. NC, no spying, no viewing pictures, etc..

 

Thank you aloneinaz. You're right. I've been moping around for 15 days. I need to stop procrastinating and get myself together. I spent 2 hours the other day deleting hundreds of pictures. That was really tough. Anything that reminds me of her I've been putting into a box. The social Media thing isn't that hard as we've both blocked each other.

 

I was helping a friend move on Saturday, little did I know her new place is a block away from my Ex's place and they drove by her Apartment, of course, I had to look. I realized I just need to stay away from that part of town. I need to avoid anything and everything that will remind me of her. I need to get busy and start doing instead of dwelling.

 

You really have to have frequent talks w/yourself. Focus on the toxicity of that failed R/S. All the BS. All the stress/anxiety. Remind yourself that a healthy R/S should bring you happiness, love, contentment and happiness. Also remind yourself daily that she won't change, ever. People like that simply can't and they'll continue to bounce from dysfunctional R/S to the next.

 

You mentioned bouncing from one failed relationship to the next. She has a history of that. She revealed it to me one day. I saw that as a challenge, to be honest. I thought I could win, I wouldn't just be another statistic in her love life. As you guys pointed out in my original thread, there was no winning. It was doomed from the beginning. I was stubborn and refused to take no for an answer.

 

I have talked to myself about it. I'm beginning to believe my EX had checked out of the R/S very early on and only stayed with me out of loneliness. This realization really upset me. I'm trying to keep all that in mind. All the bad stuff.

 

What helped me? When I was at my worst, I really focused on my future. I told myself that my next love was out there, waiting to meet me. What did she look like? That really helped me for some reason. About 6 months after my horrible R/S ended, I met my now fiance. She was damaged and healing from her last R/S as well. So, it reinforced my opinion that when you're able to date again a few months later, do so. It helps us realize there are millions of healthy people out there who are looking for their next love too.

 

Pls keep posting as you need too! It really helps.

Stay strong!

I appreciate the advice. That is very encouraging to hear. I can't give up. I'm definitely stuck in my head too much these days. I have to really push myself out of this and stop being so weak. I was so strong before I met her. It's like I had to lower myself just to coexist on her level. I was trying to adapt and doing so I became a lap dog. Pathetic. Rebuilding my self-respect is probably crucial at this point.

 

Thanks so much for the support and guidance. It really does help.

[aloneinaz]

Don't beat yourself up Frozen, it does NO good. YES, you do have to push yourself through it. FORCE yourself to stay busy and out of your head. Working out is a good thing as it burns frustrations and dumps feel good chemicals. I wish there was an easy way through it but there simply isn't.

 

The expression "time heals all wounds" is accurate. I can't stress that enough. I hope you've blocked her number or changed yours. You don't need her to contact you though I'm not suggesting she will. Out of sight, out of mind. Out of sight, out of mind..

 

I "cleansed" my phone, computer, house of anything that reminded me of her. It felt SSOO good when I was done. I SWORE to myself I'd never date her again.. EVER.. They daily affirmation helped as well.

 

I think we told you on the other thread that she won't change and you can't fix her. She's not your problem, she's someone else's now. You learned that "trying again" is futile. You'll only suffer further and have the same outcome.

 

I kept reminding myself that my ex didn't change. After the honeymoon phase, her "real" self showed and like you experienced, it was horrible. I kept reminding myself of that again, and again. I think I shared that I learned she got engaged to a guy after dating 6 months and married him at a year. Do you think she suddenly changed? Oh hell no. I truly feel sorry for the guy she's with. I'm 100% sure he's living a life of hell that no one deserves.

 

Focus on you, not her. You normal, healthy girl is out there waiting to meet you. NC, no spying, out of sight, out of mind. You'll feel better in the next month or two and will want to get out and try again.

[Frozensushi]

The expression "time heals all wounds" is accurate. I can't stress that enough. I hope you've blocked her number or changed yours. You don't need her to contact you though I'm not suggesting she will. Out of sight, out of mind. Out of sight, out of mind..

 

Yes, I should change my phone number. I'll have to do that. Yes, time is ultimately the only cure for this.

I think we told you on the other thread that she won't change and you can't fix her. She's not your problem, she's someone else's now. You learned that "trying again" is futile. You'll only suffer further and have the same outcome.

I realize this. I realized it a long time ago. Either I'm a gluten for punishment or a masochist because I kept going back for more knowing how it would end. I really don't want to go back. I'm too exhausted when I think about reentering that situation.

I kept reminding myself that my ex didn't change. After the honeymoon phase, her "real" self showed and like you experienced, it was horrible. I kept reminding myself of that again, and again. I think I shared that I learned she got engaged to a guy after dating 6 months and married him at a year. Do you think she suddenly changed? Oh hell no. I truly feel sorry for the guy she's with. I'm 100% sure he's living a life of hell that no one deserves.

Yeah, the "real" self. It took me a long time to realize that it wasn't just the winter blues. Horrible is a perfect word to describe it. I need to remember that's who she is. That other awesome girl does not exist. :\

 

Yes, you did mention she found someone else and got married. No, I don't believe these women have the capacity to change that fast. I think they are hardwired in their ways. I always had an aching suspicion there was something "big" that my Ex was not telling me about. Ah, who knows and who cares. Like you said she's not my problem any longer. I need to focus on me. It's kinda scary moving on.

 

Thank you again. Your insight and advice have helped me greatly. It's been enlightening for me. I can't tell you that enough!

[smoothie2003]

@Frozensushi I am so sorry to pain. I am there with you as well. The tips are the standard it seems -

 

1. Sleep

2. Good Food (Not comfort, fruits, salads)

3. Gym (Just do it. Go there and no nothing if you don't feel like but go.)

4. No Contact

 

After those 4 basics, there is a variation of meditation, yoga, martial arts, partying that people will say.

 

But there is something that I wanted to share with you which is helping me -

 

1. Your relationship was real. Nobody can you tell you otherwise, you actually did attract her. She found something attractive in you, thus the honeymoon phase. Attraction isn't a choice.

 

2. Your relationship was unique, nobody else can have the same relationship. Nobody, there might have some similarity but not what you had.

 

3. Your heartbreak is unique, nobody can have the same heartbreak.

 

4. Although attraction isn't a choice, you are 100% likely to attract someone else who will be a better person. You won't know, during the honeymoon phase but most likely you will know a bit better.

 

5. Your heartbreak while draining... will actually make you a finer person.. if you let it. If you are into sports.. read any of the books by your favorite sports person.. and see how many times they have had to rebuild but to rebuild you have clean up. As hard as it is believe, your heartbreak will reveal something about you that you never knew. For me.. it revealed to me that I am really hard on myself.. and failing is never an option. Also, I have some really strong morals. {Here is why, I tried everything in my relationship to fix things, but towards the end, I was about to cross the line, but instead of crossing the line, I chose to end the relationship because there was no going back when it comes to crossing that line.}

 

6. Don't lose hope... like seriously.

[smoothie2003]

Day 5 of the following -

1. prayers

2. workout

3. meditation

 

Day 15 of NC (I actually blocked her out on all forms of social media)

 

It seems like as long as I am not under stress or if I am spending time with friends, my girlfriend etc. I am fine but in the quiet time it becomes a bit hard and I always have to tune my thoughts out.

 

Additionally, in a very quizzical way, I am actually missing the intimacy a lot although I specifically remember the last 2 months of our relationship not wanting to initiate any physical contact because I was so repulsed by her and her bad BO. The one thing I would say is that she had a amazing body but that is all I remember.

 

Lastly, after our breakup, she tried to initiate a post breakup intimacy meet up twice and both times I kindly rejected.. because I always felt ex-intimacy only allows for more confusion.

 

Anyway, After reading this forum, seems like everyone is going through the same issues.

[smoothie2003]

Day 6 of the following -

1. prayers

2. workout

3. meditation

 

Day 16 of NC

 

I know I am using this forum as journal, and if that is incorrect, let me know and I will stop. I am just hoping to keep track of my journey to remember how to get through it and maybe help other people as well.

 

Yesterday, when I got home all I wanted to do was pass out but I pushed myself to do 15 laps in the pool. It certainly helped to sleep.

 

this morning was a mess, I had intense pain in my hands and I think its because while I sleep I am having panic attacks. I guess thats part of life.

 

My MBSR course starts today so I am hoping that helps battle some of my panic attacks and also make peace with my ex.

 

I know it has nothing to do with her because she has moved on with her life and so have I. Its a jealousy problem which I need to address and I am hoping a combination of prayers, working out, meditation will make it go away.

[Redhead14]

Hi all,

 

first time writer, long time reader. I guess I thought I managed my breakup but now I am really out of options and need some advice or maybe just some people to hear me out. This is a bit of a long story so here goes -

 

in 2013, I met this girl who I fell in love with and we dated till summer of 2015. In that time, we fell in love we had pretty much a moved in situation but I was going through a lot of emotional turmoil. Mainly I was struggling in keeping a job even though I was getting top jobs (I was working at Goldman Sachs). This all resulted in me going to ER a couple of times due to panic attacks. At the same time, my younger sister got engaged and so did her younger one which also put a lot of pressure.

 

Our relationship was far from perfect, we used to fight once a week (I used to call it thursday night special) about the random things. She broke up with me 3 times only to come back because I convinced her, and she sometimes felt I was moody and withheld information. But other than that... there was no cheating or jealousy. She always had more guy friends than girls.. and I never minded it.

 

The event that broke the camel's back was on July 1st where she got angry at me for leaving her for 20 mins while I ate some food and I lost my mind because she kept fighting with me and a week before she had said to me "I have lost faith in this relationship" and I told her I am done with her.

 

The next few months were terrible.. I wasn't ready to come back to her but I wasn't ready to date either. We used to have coffee once in a while, and I thought we could work it out, but every time I wanted to get back together, she would say something horrible which would just hurt more and therefore we stayed broken apart. The most hilarious part, one time she tried to get back together but not before telling me.. "I am not the one".

 

That was the last time, and we were done. I felt bad for her but I needed to move on. I waited a few months, and I ended up meeting someone who kinda fits me perfectly.. I mean I really want to be with her.

 

I fell in love with my new girlfriend or at least I believe so.

 

And then the glass breaking moment came.. my ex moved to SF (I found out since she txted me) I am pretty sure why as well.. I think she has a bf there.

 

And now.. its like I broke up my ex all over again. Every freaking day is a struggle. I have lost my appetite, my sleep. I am like what the hell man ? You have a girlfriend who in just about every way is a better fit but you are going through all this.

 

I have had to go back to counseling, trying meditation. I mean like what is going on ? Any advice would be most appreciated.

 

It called being "triggered". It's very similar to PTSD, although, it would not be clinically classified that way.

 

This one reason that NO CONTACT after a break up is important. For you own sake, please block and delete your ex right now. You owe her nothing and yourself everything!

 

You need to give yourself a little bit of time to grieve again. Do it in little bits. Some people find it useful to set aside some time each day, say 15 minutes to 1/2 an hour (not more than that), to sit with and process emotions. Let them come to the surface a little and release them. And, at the end of that time, force yourself to do something else, anything else to distract yourself from it for the rest of the day. Over time, you'll find you need/want less and less time for that.

 

In the end though, it's about resolve. Wouldn't you rather be happy and look forward to the future, than be miserable about something over which you have no control. Why waste another minute of precious life being unhappy and miserable? Don't give your ex that kind of power over you. You're being unfair to yourself and the new woman in your life. Pay attention to what's in front of you instead of looking in your rearview mirror . . . In other words, don't let the past, trash your future.

[smoothie2003]

Day 7 of the following -

1. prayers

2. workout

3. meditation

 

Day 17 of NC

 

Working from home today. Still struggle to get out of bed most of the days. That being said, the MBSR course seems to be helpful. The thoughts and memories are a constant flow which is kinda stupid.

 

What I have noticed as the week goes on I struggle more and more and then on the weekend i get rejuvenated. lets see how it goes.

[smoothie2003]

Day 10 of the following (1/6th way of there) -

1. prayers

2. workout

3. meditation

 

Day 20 of NC

 

Had a great weekend, spent time with friends and my girlfriend. The feel is very slowly fading away.

 

I actually realized.. that part of me feel inadequate all the time. And a huge piece of the puzzle is my ex. But it is not my ex, its the image of her in my head.

 

Continuing to move down this path.

[stillafool]

Today's is the day of pedestal. Seems like this comes every once in a while, which is very interesting.

 

She was all that, with a hot body and blah blah. Nevermind that the bad BO, and disaster the apartment was, the screaming, and slapping (Yeah, she slapped me twice... I never lifted my hand.. I quietly just walked out of my apartment)... Its almost like I want to be tortured.

 

Today will be a tougher day.. but thats fine.. will just keep moving and get it out of my system.

 

What exactly did you see in your ex? Why do/did you love her so much? Okay so you say she has a hot body, blah, blah. Does your new gf not have a hot body? I'm starting to think you are using your new grf as a rebound and as someone to help you get over your ex. Your new gf sounds like a wonderful person and deserves to have a man love her and not be thinking about his terrible ex gf all of the time. I think you need to be honest with her about what is on your mind 70% of the time - your ex.

[smoothie2003]

What exactly did you see in your ex? Why do/did you love her so much? Okay so you say she has a hot body, blah, blah. Does your new gf not have a hot body? I'm starting to think you are using your new grf as a rebound and as someone to help you get over your ex. Your new gf sounds like a wonderful person and deserves to have a man love her and not be thinking about his terrible ex gf all of the time. I think you need to be honest with her about what is on your mind 70% of the time - your ex.

 

Sorry it took sometime for me to reply, been working a bit extra time. Anyway, I am not 100% sure to be honest. Thus here, I don't understand these feelings. The history of the relationship shows that we were just not compatible the actual facts but the feelings of the relationship were very real. After we broke up I waited a while before dating and then finding my new girlfriend and I honestly do love her. My ex and I broke up in jun, and I found my new girlfriend in nov. From nov to dec was us getting to know each other and dec to jun I rarely, if ever thought of my ex. Once she moved, everything came back.

 

That being said, meditation, exercise etc. is helping a lot. I have dealt with anxiety in the past so maybe that is another reason.

[smoothie2003]

Day 35 of the following (little over halfway of there) -

1. prayers

2. workout

3. meditation

 

I have definitely fallen off working out although been very active with my prayers and meditation.

 

I know its been a while since I have written, but its because I have been happier.

 

I am no expert, but I have been much happier, I genuinely look forward to eating and sleeping and seeing my gf and friends.

 

There are some memories that are still stuck on me, and I do see these thoughts come and go. In MBSR course they talk about not giving your thoughts too much power, but lets see.

 

One thing I want to share with people on the forum and it is a bit of revelation to me as well, we as humans are problem solvers. We consciously or unconsciously will always solve problems. If we see our past as a problem, we will try to solve it, or at least that is what I have done.

 

It takes time to heal from these things, and I am no where close to fully healed but I do see a small white light at the end of the tunnel.

 

When and where I get there, I will go ahead and close these thread out. I like to think of it as a story and if anyone out there reads this thread, my biggest wish is that my story would give you hope as well.