smoothie2003 Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 Hi all, first time writer, long time reader. I guess I thought I managed my breakup but now I am really out of options and need some advice or maybe just some people to hear me out. This is a bit of a long story so here goes - in 2013, I met this girl who I fell in love with and we dated till summer of 2015. In that time, we fell in love we had pretty much a moved in situation but I was going through a lot of emotional turmoil. Mainly I was struggling in keeping a job even though I was getting top jobs (I was working at Goldman Sachs). This all resulted in me going to ER a couple of times due to panic attacks. At the same time, my younger sister got engaged and so did her younger one which also put a lot of pressure. Our relationship was far from perfect, we used to fight once a week (I used to call it thursday night special) about the random things. She broke up with me 3 times only to come back because I convinced her, and she sometimes felt I was moody and withheld information. But other than that... there was no cheating or jealousy. She always had more guy friends than girls.. and I never minded it. The event that broke the camel's back was on July 1st where she got angry at me for leaving her for 20 mins while I ate some food and I lost my mind because she kept fighting with me and a week before she had said to me "I have lost faith in this relationship" and I told her I am done with her. The next few months were terrible.. I wasn't ready to come back to her but I wasn't ready to date either. We used to have coffee once in a while, and I thought we could work it out, but every time I wanted to get back together, she would say something horrible which would just hurt more and therefore we stayed broken apart. The most hilarious part, one time she tried to get back together but not before telling me.. "I am not the one". That was the last time, and we were done. I felt bad for her but I needed to move on. I waited a few months, and I ended up meeting someone who kinda fits me perfectly.. I mean I really want to be with her. I fell in love with my new girlfriend or at least I believe so. And then the glass breaking moment came.. my ex moved to SF (I found out since she txted me) I am pretty sure why as well.. I think she has a bf there. And now.. its like I broke up my ex all over again. Every freaking day is a struggle. I have lost my appetite, my sleep. I am like what the hell man ? You have a girlfriend who in just about every way is a better fit but you are going through all this. I have had to go back to counseling, trying meditation. I mean like what is going on ? Any advice would be most appreciated. 2
wow123 Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 I had something very similar happen. I felt good for 3-4 months. Then, heard some info about my ex and saw her online dating. I'm back where I started if not worse. I think you just have to do the same things you did/are doing the first time you got over her. I know it sucks to have to do it again. You may also want to break up with your current gf since you're not over your ex. She will soon catch on and dump you. So you might as well come clean now. Feel better man! 1
Author smoothie2003 Posted August 30, 2016 Author Posted August 30, 2016 Thanks man, and I can't lose my current GF. The reason is.. I keep telling myself I wish I had met my current girlfriend before my ex. There is so much more to her. That's why it's a bigger mess. 1
Satu Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 snip I have had to go back to counseling, trying meditation. I mean like what is going on ? Any advice would be most appreciated. It's called 'recycling.' You are going through another, more basic level of healing. As Carl Jung said: "Always resolving, never resolved." You'll be fine. Take care. 2
Author smoothie2003 Posted August 30, 2016 Author Posted August 30, 2016 Hey satu ! Thanks for the support ! Does that mean this is just another form of healing ? As in, it's a reinjured part of me and needs to heal again ? And yes, trying to be good.. So hilarious in April after months of no contact, my ex texted me asking "hey you, what type of mop do you use in your bathroom ?" I mean come on.. We are not children here.. I just responded back with the brand and let it be.. Because I guessed she had a moment of weakness and didn't want her to hurt either.. 1
Satu Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 snipHey satu ! Thanks for the support ! *Does that mean this is just another form of healing ? As in, it's a reinjured part of me and needs to heal again ? *Yes, it means exactly that. You've uncovered a deeper layer, and you're healing it. Its nothing to worry about. Just keep on taking care of yourself, and you'll get through it ok. 4
doyathinkso Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 You worked at Goldman Sachs. You deserve pain, or worse. 1
Author smoothie2003 Posted August 30, 2016 Author Posted August 30, 2016 LOL, well I only worked there for a year and half because I wanted to see what the best are.. I am a software developer so there are plenty of worthwhile endeavors.. unfortunately, the best talent goes only where the money is the richest and the other problem is that to be the best you have to continue to work with the best. Therefore I worked at GS.. to go up against the best and learn from them and the eventually move on. 1
Author smoothie2003 Posted August 30, 2016 Author Posted August 30, 2016 I guess my question is, does yoga and meditation actually help with healing these wounds... In general for me, in the past, I forget my exs after a certain amount of time. But this one.. this one was my longest relationship and my realest relationship. So the intensity of pain is quite a bit more. 1
preraph Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 It just dredged up old feelings. This is why in your case, you just need to go no contact. Otherwise, you'll screw up any new relationships because she triggers these feelings in you. And stay in counseling to deal with it of course. 3
Author smoothie2003 Posted August 31, 2016 Author Posted August 31, 2016 After some soul searching last night, i just realized that I am really angry at her as well. For being a very difficult person.. and really angry at myself too for allowing such a person to be able to get in touch with me. I have to find the strength to forgive her and myself. I guess the part that angers me the most is how much she had grown in her career because of me... she might try to deny it but she achieved a lot because I was always available for her when she needed her career questions answered which were a lot and all I have to show for the last 2 years is an empty apartment. 1
Author smoothie2003 Posted September 5, 2016 Author Posted September 5, 2016 So continuing on this path. I am still angry at her, but very very slowly, the hurt and pain and constant thinking is starting to fade. Its not always there, but there sometimes. Yoga is helping and is the meditation. Just need to keep going on strong. 1
juniorrocha Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 Eventually it will all go away, as long as you're working towards it. The thing is you still have feelings for her, and the hatred you feel shows it. As much as you love your current girlfriend, you're not over your ex. You should consider blocking any form of contact with her. 2
Toodaloo Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 Thanks man, and I can't lose my current GF. The reason is.. I keep telling myself I wish I had met my current girlfriend before my ex. There is so much more to her. That's why it's a bigger mess. Then don't. Just stop. Take a look at what you have. Remember how awful it was with the ex, smile and thank God that time moves on. Also that as your ex has moved so now you don't have to see her. Getting over people is a mindset. You control your emotions. Block your ex. She is Voldermort. 3
Author smoothie2003 Posted September 5, 2016 Author Posted September 5, 2016 So I have her blocked on just about all forms of contact and just focusing on my current girlfriend. It's been about 3 weeks of NC. The first week was really bad.. Couldn't even go to work. 2nd week a bit better. This week more better. The fact is with my ex I rarely wanted to marry her and I want to marry my current gf. I think we would have a good life together. So want to get rid of these feelings. I have enrolled into a MBSR course as well. Starting next week. Let's see how it goes. 1
Satu Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 You've made some wise decisions. Things will work out well for you. Take care. 2
aloneinaz Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 In my case, the hardest relationships to get fully over where the toxic, dysfunctional ones. They are the ones that run your emotions all over the block. The R/S's where it ran its course and faded w/out drama and ended are easier in my experiences. This maybe why your struggling a bit. The facts are, you can't hit a switch and turn your thoughts of her off. You will always think of her, even though you're in a happy R/S now w/someone new. This is NORMAL. What will happen though is with absolutely NC, no spying on her social media, no viewing old photo's of her and blocking her everywhere; that will provide the out of sight out of mind you need. Then as each week passes, the frequency of you thinking about her will widen. Your mind might think of her but you can change the channel quickly and think of something else. It's like you're breaking a bad habit. People who quit smoking think about cigarettes every second of the day during the first few days. As each week passes, those thoughts ease. After a month, the main habit is broken and the thoughts of a cigarette don't come up nearly as much as the first week. They continue to fade with each passes week/month. I had a turbulent/toxic/dysfunctional R/S that brought me to this site in 2013. It's been 3.4 years since we ended. I'm happily engaged to someone else now. Do I still think of that ex? Sure do. When she pops in my brain, my mind almost ALWAYS says WTH was I thinking staying in the bad R/S for as long as I did. Then it's out of mind mind quickly. She married someone recently and my honest thought was "that poor bastard".. 3
Author smoothie2003 Posted September 6, 2016 Author Posted September 6, 2016 Thank you aloneinaz, your story gives me a bit of confidence. Every day seems like a new day to deal with emotions. In the past I have dealt with panic attacks primarily. The hardest thing is getting out of bed in the morning. There are certain things that helps.. when my gf comes over.. I just look at her and my pain resides. When I meeting some friends. So keeping the journey going.
bedwarrior2016 Posted September 6, 2016 Posted September 6, 2016 Oh boy... I totally get it. Not that it will make you any happier, I know. But I was in 2 years relationship, and the last few months were horrible. We would fight nearly everyday. Then we broke up (still leaving together for the next two months) and we tried to be friends. Then she met a new guy and she was dating and apparently in love. The problem is, she wanted to break up, not me. So she said we need to think, see how we feel apart. When she met a new guy, I lost it, and said what about fixing it all? And she said she never said it and didn't want to be with me anymore. I then later met a new girl I was dating and it was fun and nice, but I would stalk my ex and see her pics with that new guy. I was happy myself, but I wouldn't let it go and I was all the time angry and jealous, because she was with that new guy, who apparently could give her much more than me. It took me many more months to get over it. She then got another boyfriend and they started travelling together, and I kinda started feeling much more involved with my own girlfriend to care. But the pain was horrible at first. I still remember when we broke up, the first two weeks I got really skinny, stressed, unhappy and unmotivated. It didn't affect my job, but my well-being. You will get over it at some point, but it's a long and difficult way. 1
Author smoothie2003 Posted September 6, 2016 Author Posted September 6, 2016 Thanks BedWarrior! We all have our own demons that we have to deal with. For me, I am on a strict NC now (been a hard week), and I slowly getting into meditation.. not to heal anything.. but just to understand the flow of my thoughts to work it. There are better and worse days. Have to keep moving forward. I think your ex kinda proved her point. She is jumping from one rebound to the next, and if you have a new gf focus on her if its the real thing. For me, I know my new gf is the real deal and I just want to make her as happy as possible but I can't do that without first cleaning this mess up.
bedwarrior2016 Posted September 6, 2016 Posted September 6, 2016 Totally agreed. I am no longer seeing anyone anymore, the story is from more than 2 years ago, but I just wanted to say I went through that myself and know the struggle. After failed relationships I let myself rest a bit and went into casual dating (and casual sex as well). I am exploring new things, checking up sites and my mind is very clear at this moment. It took quite some time for me to let go though. I really hope you will get it all right and will be able to give your best to your gf!
Author smoothie2003 Posted September 7, 2016 Author Posted September 7, 2016 Today's is the day of pedestal. Seems like this comes every once in a while, which is very interesting. She was all that, with a hot body and blah blah. Nevermind that the bad BO, and disaster the apartment was, the screaming, and slapping (Yeah, she slapped me twice... I never lifted my hand.. I quietly just walked out of my apartment)... Its almost like I want to be tortured. Today will be a tougher day.. but thats fine.. will just keep moving and get it out of my system.
Author smoothie2003 Posted September 9, 2016 Author Posted September 9, 2016 The last couple of days have actually been depressing for some reason. I am slowly starting to become depressed with life with low energy. Lot of this seems so abnormal and frustrating that i feel that this will never end. I also feel shameful about the way things ended but I am not able to reconcile.
marky00 Posted September 9, 2016 Posted September 9, 2016 Yep, I hear you. 35 days NC. Feel like breaking it just to burn all my bridges completely. It really sucks when you know you screwed up but you have no right of reply, no warnings.
Author smoothie2003 Posted September 12, 2016 Author Posted September 12, 2016 So, today was one those days that I actually felt.. Fine. I am sure it's just a glimpse of what is coming but a glimpse alone helps. Things I did (even though it felt impossible) 1. Gym 2. Prayers 3. Salad (my gf made some super healthy salad) I was actually laughing. Anyway wanted to share with people. 2
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